I am frustrated as I sit at a red light on Sawmill and 161.
I had gone out to get gas, driving to a station I thought had cheap gas but had raised their prices. Then I drove to Target and realize just as I pull into the parking lot that I didn't know everything I needed to know for the purchase I wanted to make there. Now, on my way back, my stomach is grumbling too much to make my final stop — reading and enjoying a venti six-pump chai with soy. With so many choices and a stomach now growling, I decide to go home. But these are not the reasons why I am upset.
Confusion like this is normal for me, especially while I'm stressed but these are the reasons why I'm frustrated. I am frustrated for several reasons — all of which I feel I have little if any control over.
Yesterday, I traveled to Logan with a long-time friend named Sara. We were driving to visit Mike, a good friend of both of ours who lives in Japan but had come home for the Holidays. It was a good time and I miss Mike. Sara and I have a lot in common, especially when it comes to wounding. Last night I took time to pray for her because I believe God desires to bring healing into our lives. God showed up and that was cool. She thanked me for being one of the very few people she knows who cares enough about her to take the time to pray.
This all comes within hours of a complaint session in the car about how I struggle to trust my church, my small group, and especially my douche-bag friends. Like most nights of the week, I am sitting in my home alone. (A roommate is playing games up stairs so yes, alone.) I feel like I'm stuck in this church, this group, this network of friends who do not understand what friendship, what life together really means. This is why I am frustrated.
The friends I care about, who I want to be in relationship with never call me. And now my phone rings . . . and it's another friend of mine - also named Mike. Mike noticed that I put something on my Facebook about being bored tonight so we're meeting up at Starbucks.
How I proceed with my discontentment is something I am starting to see will be a test for my life. Do I take it to the Lord, do I try to find my own answer, or do I do nothing. In general, my response is do nothing (... that is I talk to people about it — while not necessarily being as honoring or respectful as I should be).
My meeting at Starbucks with Mike was, well, along such lines and we have yet to come to any conclusions as for how we should respond. While sipping my Chai, we pondered whether a discussion with a Pastor about such things may be helpful. I remain pessimistic but may give it a try. In spite of the desire to work things out, I'm starting to think that joining a multi-generational church or small group (of which has a high view of Jesus and the Authority of the Scriptures) may be prudent step. Though I don't want to claim that my church doesn't have a high view of Jesus or the Authority of the Scriptures, saying (statements of belief) one does and acting (actions of the church, theological framework and subject of preaching) as if one does are two different things. Such things are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Matt Chandler messed my life up
God, please help me. I am adulterous — seemingly always chasing the greener grass. I am not satisfied with what others find sufficient. I feel disillusioned and confused. Please help me.
Yes, Matt Chandler of the Village Church messed my life up. This is what a friend of mine told me last Tuesday and this is what I type this morning. For this I am very thankful for if he didn't mess my life up, I would probably still be stuck where I was just 9 months ago.
In short, here are my thoughts. I now believe I have a greater understanding of the affect of bad theology and teaching on the church. I also feel as if my theological construction has been changed. Now, in loose terms, I feel as if it is centered around a theology of God cares most about his Glory and that our response is to realize our place in creation and give him the glory he deserves and desires.
This theology isn't a product of my church, it's a product of listening to Chandler's podcasts and conversations that I have with two friends of mine, Brandon and Michael. What I get from my church is, well, not as crisp and clean and clear as I would hope and this makes me pause and ask why. I don't want to make sweeping allegations and condemn a host of people, including myself, to some label but I can say that this kind of state of conflict between what I believe and what my church preaches causes inner strife.
My response has been "I can't podcast friendships." In essence, I believe that being a part of a local community of believers - be that a small group or small church - is where one and others get to use Gifts to build each other up and to glorify Christ, to dive into scripture, to exercise discipline, to admonish and encourage, to pray and to fast. One can't podcast that. So, I attend a local fellowship of believers and the church of which they belong to.
This local fellowship of believers is a small group. A group with leaders that I have a hard time trusting for two reasons: 1) I have trust issues, and 2) I sometimes object to what I see happening and what I hear spoken out of their leadership. My response is to try to be faithful (which is why I'm cutting them down here?) and give grace but it weighs on me. I don't want to be the judge. In fact feeling the way I do and trying to faithful is hard! As for the people, they're cool and they're on fire but I still feel separated and I've been there for more than three months. Fridays and Saturdays I sit at home unless I'm invited by my roommate to tag along, i.e. play the third wheel with a group of people. It is not always like this but my hope of something better is slowly dying. I've got to drop my expectations for these people because, like myself, they're sinful people.... That doesn't mean giving up the dream and it doesn't mean that I stop being proactive... but it may mean that I stop viewing these things as expectations of others.
This local church is one of the largest in Columbus and does many great things. They strive to really impact our city in a number of great ways and there are lofty goals for seeing Justice, but I am vigilante. I won't claim that we are Justice focused to the point that it supplants the Gospel. It isn't as overt. It is as if the correct theological angle (Glory first) is assumed but not proclaimed. As a result, there are many with varying opinions who suffer the affects of what I'd call "bad theology"* in their lives. I would suspect that a pastor would notice and preach to dispel the bad theology or stumbling block but this has yet to occur. So how do I respond? Do I hurdle stones, cause dissension? I guess I should pray.
Can I say it is hard to have faith in such matters? I am a member and I tithe and yet I would prefer to assume that our young adult ministry is not a part of the mother church, I would prefer to wear rose colored glasses and be ignorant of the things I see and hear but usually I can't and judgmentalism, cynicism, and bitterness take hold. I find it hard to trust almost all. Where does one draw the line and say, "that's it, I will no longer support this organization of which I am a member of!"
Jesus, Believers, please respond. On one hand, I don't want to church hop for the rest of my life. I don't want to be that guy who sits above from the seer's tower to judge the rest. Yet, I see and hear (rumors) things that if I had a viable alternative church and I knew I'd be staying in this city for more than a year, I'd change churches. To me, some of these things are that big of a deal but for some reason (sin), I can't find it in me to offer grace.
So when a friend of mine, who I'd describe as a near Christian automaton**, told me she likes to listen to podcasted sermons, I gave her the gift of Chandler. A few weeks later, she said that Jesus called her a Pharisee and that she was going to try to ditch the need to do things because she felt like she should. Last Tuesday, my follow up advice sounded like this.
Pray and ask God to tell you what to do. Don't just do stuff because you felt like you should or because you felt like it was right or that it was what was expected of you. Cling to Jesus and the Scriptures, not the twisted expectations of sinful people and their perception of what is righteousness.... Though you feel like you're not being fed at your small group, be faithful to your small group and your commitments and look for how Christ is working through you and is working through them. There are no perfect small groups but you have a choice as for how you will respond and whether that response will bring honor or dishonor to the Father.
As for myself, I hope that my response has not given dishonor to the Father but I don't know if there's ever been a church that I've been a part of that I have honored. I am critical, very critical. Lord, how should I respond when I see things that I don't like, things that give me the willies, things that scream unacceptable and wrong. I will not offer a list but the things that have happened to make me feel the way I have include weak small groups, worshiping community, weak and sometimes incorrect teaching on core issues, bad treatment of several church employees, etc. Is this par for the course regarding mega-churches? How do I respond? How do I avoid falling into sin by judging them? How do I change the organization? Is changing the organization something I can do, should do, have a responsibility to do? Is such an action a threat to leadership, is it dissension worthy?
I want to be faithful with what the Lord has given me so for now, this is what I try to do. I stay in my small group; I continue tithing; I love, encourage, admonish my brothers and sisters; I stay away from those who appear to have a lack of respect for God, the Scriptures, and the Church. I should pray more for my church and pray that I will find people and a community that gets it better.
*Bad Theology: Theology that isn't true. Sounds simple but it's complicated from my perspective. I am surrounded by many who in Western fashion view their theology as the way things are and when they encounter things that are sinful, they abstract issues in their life and try to focus on these things. This causes shame and anguish and makes people feel like they're a bad witness. If they "do it right" then they look pretty and can be accepted. This seems to be an outgrowth of self-righteousness rather than a faith that wells up from the work Christ is doing in one's heart. A more correct theology is realizing who God is, that he desires his Glory above all else, a realization of who we are and a realization that growing in and being transformed by Christ gives him Glory and that he is a much better leader than we are when it comes to life transformation. This requires a significant leaning in on Christ and the Scriptures, of which cannot be changed (or interpreted) to allow the sinful issues or acts to appear to be acceptable in the Scriptures.
**Christian Automaton: again, the christian automaton is one who is obsessed with doing it right, following the rules, being accepted, and who doesn't know why they do the things they do and always feels guilty about not doing the things they know they should. The desire and guilt do not come from the Father but rather from the Flesh or other demons. These people are locked into an autopilot state where they just do what's expected, being too busy for God. When they fail to do what's expected, it can become a cycle of self-hatred especially when the issues are related to sexual addition.
Yes, Matt Chandler of the Village Church messed my life up. This is what a friend of mine told me last Tuesday and this is what I type this morning. For this I am very thankful for if he didn't mess my life up, I would probably still be stuck where I was just 9 months ago.
In short, here are my thoughts. I now believe I have a greater understanding of the affect of bad theology and teaching on the church. I also feel as if my theological construction has been changed. Now, in loose terms, I feel as if it is centered around a theology of God cares most about his Glory and that our response is to realize our place in creation and give him the glory he deserves and desires.
This theology isn't a product of my church, it's a product of listening to Chandler's podcasts and conversations that I have with two friends of mine, Brandon and Michael. What I get from my church is, well, not as crisp and clean and clear as I would hope and this makes me pause and ask why. I don't want to make sweeping allegations and condemn a host of people, including myself, to some label but I can say that this kind of state of conflict between what I believe and what my church preaches causes inner strife.
My response has been "I can't podcast friendships." In essence, I believe that being a part of a local community of believers - be that a small group or small church - is where one and others get to use Gifts to build each other up and to glorify Christ, to dive into scripture, to exercise discipline, to admonish and encourage, to pray and to fast. One can't podcast that. So, I attend a local fellowship of believers and the church of which they belong to.
This local fellowship of believers is a small group. A group with leaders that I have a hard time trusting for two reasons: 1) I have trust issues, and 2) I sometimes object to what I see happening and what I hear spoken out of their leadership. My response is to try to be faithful (which is why I'm cutting them down here?) and give grace but it weighs on me. I don't want to be the judge. In fact feeling the way I do and trying to faithful is hard! As for the people, they're cool and they're on fire but I still feel separated and I've been there for more than three months. Fridays and Saturdays I sit at home unless I'm invited by my roommate to tag along, i.e. play the third wheel with a group of people. It is not always like this but my hope of something better is slowly dying. I've got to drop my expectations for these people because, like myself, they're sinful people.... That doesn't mean giving up the dream and it doesn't mean that I stop being proactive... but it may mean that I stop viewing these things as expectations of others.
This local church is one of the largest in Columbus and does many great things. They strive to really impact our city in a number of great ways and there are lofty goals for seeing Justice, but I am vigilante. I won't claim that we are Justice focused to the point that it supplants the Gospel. It isn't as overt. It is as if the correct theological angle (Glory first) is assumed but not proclaimed. As a result, there are many with varying opinions who suffer the affects of what I'd call "bad theology"* in their lives. I would suspect that a pastor would notice and preach to dispel the bad theology or stumbling block but this has yet to occur. So how do I respond? Do I hurdle stones, cause dissension? I guess I should pray.
Can I say it is hard to have faith in such matters? I am a member and I tithe and yet I would prefer to assume that our young adult ministry is not a part of the mother church, I would prefer to wear rose colored glasses and be ignorant of the things I see and hear but usually I can't and judgmentalism, cynicism, and bitterness take hold. I find it hard to trust almost all. Where does one draw the line and say, "that's it, I will no longer support this organization of which I am a member of!"
Jesus, Believers, please respond. On one hand, I don't want to church hop for the rest of my life. I don't want to be that guy who sits above from the seer's tower to judge the rest. Yet, I see and hear (rumors) things that if I had a viable alternative church and I knew I'd be staying in this city for more than a year, I'd change churches. To me, some of these things are that big of a deal but for some reason (sin), I can't find it in me to offer grace.
So when a friend of mine, who I'd describe as a near Christian automaton**, told me she likes to listen to podcasted sermons, I gave her the gift of Chandler. A few weeks later, she said that Jesus called her a Pharisee and that she was going to try to ditch the need to do things because she felt like she should. Last Tuesday, my follow up advice sounded like this.
Pray and ask God to tell you what to do. Don't just do stuff because you felt like you should or because you felt like it was right or that it was what was expected of you. Cling to Jesus and the Scriptures, not the twisted expectations of sinful people and their perception of what is righteousness.... Though you feel like you're not being fed at your small group, be faithful to your small group and your commitments and look for how Christ is working through you and is working through them. There are no perfect small groups but you have a choice as for how you will respond and whether that response will bring honor or dishonor to the Father.
As for myself, I hope that my response has not given dishonor to the Father but I don't know if there's ever been a church that I've been a part of that I have honored. I am critical, very critical. Lord, how should I respond when I see things that I don't like, things that give me the willies, things that scream unacceptable and wrong. I will not offer a list but the things that have happened to make me feel the way I have include weak small groups, worshiping community, weak and sometimes incorrect teaching on core issues, bad treatment of several church employees, etc. Is this par for the course regarding mega-churches? How do I respond? How do I avoid falling into sin by judging them? How do I change the organization? Is changing the organization something I can do, should do, have a responsibility to do? Is such an action a threat to leadership, is it dissension worthy?
I want to be faithful with what the Lord has given me so for now, this is what I try to do. I stay in my small group; I continue tithing; I love, encourage, admonish my brothers and sisters; I stay away from those who appear to have a lack of respect for God, the Scriptures, and the Church. I should pray more for my church and pray that I will find people and a community that gets it better.
*Bad Theology: Theology that isn't true. Sounds simple but it's complicated from my perspective. I am surrounded by many who in Western fashion view their theology as the way things are and when they encounter things that are sinful, they abstract issues in their life and try to focus on these things. This causes shame and anguish and makes people feel like they're a bad witness. If they "do it right" then they look pretty and can be accepted. This seems to be an outgrowth of self-righteousness rather than a faith that wells up from the work Christ is doing in one's heart. A more correct theology is realizing who God is, that he desires his Glory above all else, a realization of who we are and a realization that growing in and being transformed by Christ gives him Glory and that he is a much better leader than we are when it comes to life transformation. This requires a significant leaning in on Christ and the Scriptures, of which cannot be changed (or interpreted) to allow the sinful issues or acts to appear to be acceptable in the Scriptures.
**Christian Automaton: again, the christian automaton is one who is obsessed with doing it right, following the rules, being accepted, and who doesn't know why they do the things they do and always feels guilty about not doing the things they know they should. The desire and guilt do not come from the Father but rather from the Flesh or other demons. These people are locked into an autopilot state where they just do what's expected, being too busy for God. When they fail to do what's expected, it can become a cycle of self-hatred especially when the issues are related to sexual addition.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Reject the West, Embrace the Truth
Well, I'm done with this quarter. Yes, I frequently update this blog!
Some thoughts before I go to bed.
1) I don't always feel like it but the feeling is slowly returning, a feeling of joy and thankfulness that Jesus Christ died for me too and that he loves me and that he is going to see me through this time in my life — of which I can only really describe as a re-hardening of my heart.
2) Christians and the Church need to drop this Western view of self, purpose, vision, church and other people. Notions like making projects out of people, being purposeful about sharing Jesus with people, pushing one's self to advance particular aspects of who Jesus is or what the church is about... it is unnatural and it can make others feel un-human. In short, there are other ways to be true to who God is and be true to Jesus, the Savior we love so much. In short, the West believes in the division of roles and occupations for individuals such as "I am a teacher" or "I am a police officer." This may be how the West works but one can't say about (for lack of better words) the economy of Christian Faith, I'm the pastor and I fulfill my role to take care of your spiritual needs and because you are the CEO, you pay me back with tithes. There is some division of gifting and roles but no "outsourcing" of the faith. Further in this construction, you don't exist to make people projects or to walk into a room and tell the Lord, "this is what I will do for you here, I am so thankful that you're using me as a tool (or accepting my work) to bring you Glory and advance your Kingdom." This paradigm is folly and heretical and must stop.
3) Flipping the West upside down — Christ transforms us and flips everything upside down — the Western perspective of 'now I'll do something purposeful for God' is naive, misguided, and can be damaging to you and others. It isn't so much about what I should "do" but it is more about seeking and following Jesus and watching as the rest follows. To do this, you must destroy all preconceived notions of what seeking and following Jesus are supposed to look like. Don't seek to hatch plans about how we'll now purposefully strive to do X, Y, and Z and then ask God to bless it — this is so Western, this is so deceitful! Instead, pursue Jesus and move as he leads you, period.
4) Preaching the Gospel: without words - If you want a heart for others, start praying for them secretly. If you want to reach people, start by being friends. Have no more expectation than to be friends. Share what Jesus has done in your life only if asked. Share how Jesus thinks of them only if asked. People are not projects, they're people. Don't insert your life into others just to share Jesus with them — this is hypocritical, a bad witness, and will bring defame the Father. Live a life transformed that brings no shame or disgrace to the Father but rather that is a life of thankfulness, a life of Honor and service to the Lord. In the words of St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words."
5) Preaching the Gospel: with words - Be bold with the Gospel when such time presents its self and in places where it is acceptable but do not push the Gospel onto people when the time is not right. Good times to be bold are in situations where people come to you wanting to know more and perhaps at other opportune times. Examples include offering prayer for people in a park or on campus, and even preaching about Jesus in a public place so long as you're preaching about the goodness of Jesus, not Jesus and something else (i.e. conservatism, doctrine, dogma, etc.).
6) Things have their place... The Church: a true witness of the Lord, declaring Truth by scripture and deed, through relationships and charity. Preaching nothing short of the Truth, nothing short of Jesus. Seeking to chase after everything God would have for us. Seeking to display the full manifold wisdom of God!
7) We live in such a narcissistic generation. Columbus, this city I reside in, is full of up and coming young people who are clamoring to be more attractive, desirable, educated, and get their butts out of this city to pursue greener grass somewhere else. I am one of these prideful, narcissistic people. There is no love, no time to listen, to desire to pray, no desire to make room for the new people... none of these things unless we think we have something to gain such as brownie points with God, acceptance in our groups, or some other vain desire. Our lives, our churches and our small groups need to be places where there is room for new people. We need to always be down a few relationships, a few hobbies (computer games are such a waste of time) and the like so there's space for those new people as the Lord brings them. Pray for a heart to want to seek out and love new people, all new people including the uncomfortable, the outcast, the unattractive. Pray for the eyes of Jesus, to see them for who God sees them. If you're heart doesn't want to do this, doesn't want to love the undesirable then do nothing else but start to pray about your heart..., etc.
If we want to lose the narcissism, we must start living lives where we are denying it. If we want churches that exude God's love, we've got to start being those people. Do not argue with people, but love them into a place where they can choose Christ — should they desire. It is there choice from our perspective, regardless of your views on predestination, so let it be their choice. Don't make it for them, don't force it for them, don't push Christ on to people. Let them see the Savior and decide that He is what they desire. I'm tired of feeling like I go to a narcissistic church full of narcissistic people. My church isn't either of these things but in a society like ours, we have to try extra hard to be a true witness and my prayer is that Christ develops that love for others in our hearts and transforms our community. I can try to explain to people about what it looks like to have a loving and hospitable community (that is a group of people who are loving and hospitable and unified in Christ) but what good would it be for me to tell those who don't desire it in their hearts as a natural expression of Love for the Father? When we try to do it on our own, by our own leading, what will that self-righteousness look like, smell like, and be like to the Father, to others, to ourselves. Deceit is a strong word that may not be strong enough. Remember, your self-righteous works are like dirty rags to me.
Let us seek Jesus and all else will find its place.
Some thoughts before I go to bed.
1) I don't always feel like it but the feeling is slowly returning, a feeling of joy and thankfulness that Jesus Christ died for me too and that he loves me and that he is going to see me through this time in my life — of which I can only really describe as a re-hardening of my heart.
2) Christians and the Church need to drop this Western view of self, purpose, vision, church and other people. Notions like making projects out of people, being purposeful about sharing Jesus with people, pushing one's self to advance particular aspects of who Jesus is or what the church is about... it is unnatural and it can make others feel un-human. In short, there are other ways to be true to who God is and be true to Jesus, the Savior we love so much. In short, the West believes in the division of roles and occupations for individuals such as "I am a teacher" or "I am a police officer." This may be how the West works but one can't say about (for lack of better words) the economy of Christian Faith, I'm the pastor and I fulfill my role to take care of your spiritual needs and because you are the CEO, you pay me back with tithes. There is some division of gifting and roles but no "outsourcing" of the faith. Further in this construction, you don't exist to make people projects or to walk into a room and tell the Lord, "this is what I will do for you here, I am so thankful that you're using me as a tool (or accepting my work) to bring you Glory and advance your Kingdom." This paradigm is folly and heretical and must stop.
3) Flipping the West upside down — Christ transforms us and flips everything upside down — the Western perspective of 'now I'll do something purposeful for God' is naive, misguided, and can be damaging to you and others. It isn't so much about what I should "do" but it is more about seeking and following Jesus and watching as the rest follows. To do this, you must destroy all preconceived notions of what seeking and following Jesus are supposed to look like. Don't seek to hatch plans about how we'll now purposefully strive to do X, Y, and Z and then ask God to bless it — this is so Western, this is so deceitful! Instead, pursue Jesus and move as he leads you, period.
4) Preaching the Gospel: without words - If you want a heart for others, start praying for them secretly. If you want to reach people, start by being friends. Have no more expectation than to be friends. Share what Jesus has done in your life only if asked. Share how Jesus thinks of them only if asked. People are not projects, they're people. Don't insert your life into others just to share Jesus with them — this is hypocritical, a bad witness, and will bring defame the Father. Live a life transformed that brings no shame or disgrace to the Father but rather that is a life of thankfulness, a life of Honor and service to the Lord. In the words of St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words."
5) Preaching the Gospel: with words - Be bold with the Gospel when such time presents its self and in places where it is acceptable but do not push the Gospel onto people when the time is not right. Good times to be bold are in situations where people come to you wanting to know more and perhaps at other opportune times. Examples include offering prayer for people in a park or on campus, and even preaching about Jesus in a public place so long as you're preaching about the goodness of Jesus, not Jesus and something else (i.e. conservatism, doctrine, dogma, etc.).
6) Things have their place... The Church: a true witness of the Lord, declaring Truth by scripture and deed, through relationships and charity. Preaching nothing short of the Truth, nothing short of Jesus. Seeking to chase after everything God would have for us. Seeking to display the full manifold wisdom of God!
7) We live in such a narcissistic generation. Columbus, this city I reside in, is full of up and coming young people who are clamoring to be more attractive, desirable, educated, and get their butts out of this city to pursue greener grass somewhere else. I am one of these prideful, narcissistic people. There is no love, no time to listen, to desire to pray, no desire to make room for the new people... none of these things unless we think we have something to gain such as brownie points with God, acceptance in our groups, or some other vain desire. Our lives, our churches and our small groups need to be places where there is room for new people. We need to always be down a few relationships, a few hobbies (computer games are such a waste of time) and the like so there's space for those new people as the Lord brings them. Pray for a heart to want to seek out and love new people, all new people including the uncomfortable, the outcast, the unattractive. Pray for the eyes of Jesus, to see them for who God sees them. If you're heart doesn't want to do this, doesn't want to love the undesirable then do nothing else but start to pray about your heart..., etc.
If we want to lose the narcissism, we must start living lives where we are denying it. If we want churches that exude God's love, we've got to start being those people. Do not argue with people, but love them into a place where they can choose Christ — should they desire. It is there choice from our perspective, regardless of your views on predestination, so let it be their choice. Don't make it for them, don't force it for them, don't push Christ on to people. Let them see the Savior and decide that He is what they desire. I'm tired of feeling like I go to a narcissistic church full of narcissistic people. My church isn't either of these things but in a society like ours, we have to try extra hard to be a true witness and my prayer is that Christ develops that love for others in our hearts and transforms our community. I can try to explain to people about what it looks like to have a loving and hospitable community (that is a group of people who are loving and hospitable and unified in Christ) but what good would it be for me to tell those who don't desire it in their hearts as a natural expression of Love for the Father? When we try to do it on our own, by our own leading, what will that self-righteousness look like, smell like, and be like to the Father, to others, to ourselves. Deceit is a strong word that may not be strong enough. Remember, your self-righteous works are like dirty rags to me.
Let us seek Jesus and all else will find its place.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Of the things I hate about grad school....
I felt like I needed to vent. Of the things I hate about grad school, there are fewer and fewer people who know anything about what you're researching or writing about. I have a question about something that was done like 38 years ago and despite 1. talking to the local agency director, 2. talking to a few folks who work for the state of Ohio, and 3. searching on Google for probably an hour - I have yet to find what I'm looking for.
Not because anyone will be able to help but for your enjoyment. So why are Newark, Lancaster, and some other city in Ohio classified as CDBG (community development block grant) entitlement cities? Entitlement communities have to have pops over 50,000 or be the central cities of a metropolitan area and well, neither are either. They may have been in the 1970s (and if I could find a map of MSAs from the 1970 census...grrr). Libraries have these kinds of things but it may be on microfiche and probably isn't readily available or indexed (you don't search for a map of MSAs to find what you're looking for if you know what I mean). Anyway, none of this is really all that important for my paper as I keep getting distracted from working on it.
Two paragraphs of six pages now done and it's 8pm on Saturday. I've still got about 36 hours before it's due but I have a cold and I plan on going to two church services tomorrow and to work Monday morning. Will I get done? Will I have to skip work again? Will I arrive late, find the last parking spot at the top of the parking garage adjacent to our building (a faith enhancing experience!)? Stay tuned I guess. Maybe not as exciting as James Bond but I've got one thing up on 007, my life is real.
Meanwhile, I'm getting laid off at the end of December and haven't taken the time to apply for another job yet. All I can say is that I like Ohio but I think I'm going to do everyone (fellow unemployed job seekers) a favor when I graduate and leave this sorry, jobless state in search for another. If I read one more brain-drain article in the Columbus Dispatch, I'm going to freak out....
Not because anyone will be able to help but for your enjoyment. So why are Newark, Lancaster, and some other city in Ohio classified as CDBG (community development block grant) entitlement cities? Entitlement communities have to have pops over 50,000 or be the central cities of a metropolitan area and well, neither are either. They may have been in the 1970s (and if I could find a map of MSAs from the 1970 census...grrr). Libraries have these kinds of things but it may be on microfiche and probably isn't readily available or indexed (you don't search for a map of MSAs to find what you're looking for if you know what I mean). Anyway, none of this is really all that important for my paper as I keep getting distracted from working on it.
Two paragraphs of six pages now done and it's 8pm on Saturday. I've still got about 36 hours before it's due but I have a cold and I plan on going to two church services tomorrow and to work Monday morning. Will I get done? Will I have to skip work again? Will I arrive late, find the last parking spot at the top of the parking garage adjacent to our building (a faith enhancing experience!)? Stay tuned I guess. Maybe not as exciting as James Bond but I've got one thing up on 007, my life is real.
Meanwhile, I'm getting laid off at the end of December and haven't taken the time to apply for another job yet. All I can say is that I like Ohio but I think I'm going to do everyone (fellow unemployed job seekers) a favor when I graduate and leave this sorry, jobless state in search for another. If I read one more brain-drain article in the Columbus Dispatch, I'm going to freak out....
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thankfulness
So why a picture of Rich and Marlene? The first excuse is that it was a test to try to see if I could get the html for a photo hosted on another web site to work in the signature section of gmail (for a friend). The answer to that one is, no it doesn't work - you have to add a picture to the signature manually on each email so oh well....
So why a picture of Rich and Marlene? So why did I go to the annual congregational meeting (me and 50 other people, over half on staff with the church)? Can I say that I am glad, thankful, happy that they chose to obey God and fulfill His plan in using them at our church. Though I have not always been thrilled with my church and at times angered, hurt and disillusioned, without it there would be nothing. I am thankful for this man's obedience to God of which I say is greater than mine and I am thankful that I get to receive some of those blessings that have flowed out of their toil. Certainly there are others who should be thanked and for you, thank you for your work, your obedience, your sacrifice.
I have dreams.
I have hopes.
...and these are of me.
Certainly I have counselors, friends, and pastors who would say that our dreams, our hopes are of the Lord, that he gives them to us and this is true but I want to lay these down for such dreams, such hopes are not to be raised up, not to be idolized, not to be pursued.
Instead we are to pray.
More than my dreams, my hope, my desire, my dream is that I will live the life I am called to live, according to the plan and provision of the Father. I pray I would be obedient and only worship and seek after the Father.
My hope, my dream is that I will some day get to plant churches and pastor a congregation, I desire to be used and to see people released from their chains to do the work of the Kingdom, to see revival, to see redemption. The church, in many respects, has been emasculated (literally and figuratively) and it is because we are trying to do the wrong things under our power when we should be trying to do the right things with His Power. I want to be a part of a community that is seeking after the Lord fervently and pursuing all that he'd have for us, obeying all that he would instruct us to do. I have a lot of that now but it is only in part, limited by the fickle nature of adulterous hearts, namely mine. I have a desire to communicate truth, especially through the arts and through speech and writing.
And even if I am to do this and more, it would be for nothing if it was not God calling me to do this so I say here — Lord have your way with me, guide my steps, guide my thoughts, guide my soul. All I am is yours, do as you will....
All honor, glory, and power is yours Lord, even if I am to be a prisoner, a martyr, a fool, if it brings you Glory and it is what you call me to do, may it be Father.
And I pray Father that you will heal me, build me up, teach me in your ways, discipline me Lord. Father, I pray and I ask that I will live a life pleasing to you, that you would be glorified, that I would know you ever so intimately, Father.
Monday, October 27, 2008
What's wrong with this picture
What's wrong with this picture?
I was shocked when I found this gem on our GIS satellite imagery. Of course, this is a local live bird's eye shot but you get the picture. You're looking at two roads that could join, eliminating a cul-de-sac effectively allowing more vehicular access for auto drivers and cyclists alike. For some reason — and historians will speculate for the next 100 years — these roads were never connected. Somehow, this is all too typical in the American urban landscape.
Of course there are reasons why this is the way it is. The first being, most-likely a regulation that required or allowed the construction of a cul-de-sac to terminate at the edge of a subdivided parcel. The second and final lynch-pin came when the city, who owned the right-of-way of the original cul-de-sac, did not require the later development (with larger cul-de-sac loop on right) to tie into the original loop. Whether it was a lack of foresight, a lacking of a desire to require high connectivity standards or a combination of these two factors, this legacy will continue to impact our nation's for decades to come. The costs of which will be hard to define, especially because we have yet to fully realize what we've actually lost?
Though multiple friends of mine love suburbia, I do not. They love suburbia because they argue that it isn't as crowded as the city and that they are happy to live at a distance from the problems of our society. Hopefully in neighborhoods without drugs or at least the crime that comes with them. I understand their concerns and though I may emphasize more when I am raising children, it is also fair to say that such a lifestyle is for those who can afford it in terms of its cost of living and its societal costs of centralizing poverty in urban cores.
Now, I won't say that if we just move people that things will get better and I am certainly not suggesting that we should just redistribute income or resources to "fix" the inequality problem. I guess my first concerns are what are the costs of continual sprawl, of increased social class separation, and the loss of most of the benefits of urban living because we're afraid of being an unlikely victim of urban crime.
Undoubtedly matters like education and crime need to be dealt with to allow urban neighborhoods to be desirable family neighborhoods again and hopefully we'll see progress on both of these fronts in our lifetimes but to call suburbia a desirable substitute seems to be, well, not well received.
Living in suburbia out of necessity, I can tell you that I miss walking to local restaurants, shops, and transit. I certainly do not miss taking the bus — which is usually early, crowded, and generally inconvenient for where one wants to go. Cracked sidewalks, graffiti, old brick blocks, neon-lighted businesses and most importantly pedestrians help make the neighborhood into a vibrant place. To say this place is safe is, well, a stretch as crimereports.com show it is not "safe" but if you take precautions, you'll most likely not be mugged, burglarized or otherwise inconvenienced by the mostly petty crime in this neighborhood.
In the burbs, there is no such thing as "neighborhood retail." One must get in a car and drive to a strip center made of asphalt, vista-walls, flat roofs, and if you're lucky, some brick fascia. The local coffee shop closes at 10 P.M. though you're in luck if you're in the mood for a burger, some fries or a taco as several fast food restaurants stay open late. There is no place for the public to interact — except while complaining that there is always a shortage of cashiers at the local grocery or while waving a variety of hand signs at each other while sitting in rush hour traffic. For those who desire it, one could try to be social at a bar or perhaps at a church but both carry stigmas.
Essentially, if you don't want to associate with others and if that's why you moved to suburbia, this place is perfect. But if you're like me and you like people, you'll quickly find that something dies inside of us when we move into such an impersonable place. There are no public gardens, public spaces, public anythings. And as for the crime, drugs and homeless — it's all in suburbia but it's hidden. The buildings may only last 30 years but that's okay because by that time, those same developers are turning out new commercial zoning the next highway exit down. Blight starts to form — first Wal-Mart moves and then everyone who occupies the strip-mall surrounding the Wal-Mart. Yes my friends, even Dublin Ohio has blighted commercial property but lucky for the most over-planned community in central Ohio, growing trees and extremely strict signage standards allow Dublin Village Center and probably a few other places to be "hidden" from our view. If we can drive past it, we can pretend it isn't there. That's our response to blight, to neighbors in need, to poverty, to our fellow human. The Midwest values of succeed so you can take care of your self and help others have been stolen by greed, by gangs, by crack, and by the fear of violence.
Though I'd love to be able to do something about this, to improve people's lives and though I may be able to do something about things like this in future jobs — there's a limit to what I can do to fix this. Building a new society of cul-de-sac neighborhoods and vast seas of asphalt parking lots may seem like a way to escape the problems of urban America but these problems are able to spread just as fast. Certainly we've tried to segregate for hundreds of years and I won't claim that this is a new phenomena, the fact that we can now travel in vehicles as blink-of-an-eye speed from suburban house to suburban office park or an urban parking garage without coming into close contact with the poor marks a change in our society. We still live in a story, a tale of two cities despite all of the reform. Perhaps they may not live in absolute poverty but it is poverty none the less. I won't argue that our nation should try to stop this as perhaps a culture of being owed a "handout" just might represent one of the worst things in our society. I just wonder what this affect of near complete separation between the rich and poor will have on our society in the decades to come. Smart money is on the fact that some suburbs will become blighted and may become the face of the 21st century ghetto. It will be interesting to see how this happens - or doesn't.
Short of government policies to restrict or encourage particular patterns of growth and renewal, it's unclear what will happen except that there will be an increasing amount of separation between the wealthy and poor and that society will adapt. Inflexible real estate will decay and or be demolished. Zoning codes with the aim of separating uses will be loosened as vacancy and blight become more and more of a reality. Hopefully communities will cooperate and stop leap-frog development that is so costly for all but this creates its own negative consequences. In short, the answers we seek will reflect the things we value. Solutions will be fragmented and range in effectiveness from maybe effective to extremely not effective. The future will be what we make of it — and hopefully there will be things we can choose that actually help better our society as a whole.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Making it quick
First of all, I heart Matt Chandler. Listen to this piece of beautiful gospel manure.
Second, counseling is probably the best thing I've decided to do other than embrace Jesus. I have a sister in Christ who wants to help fight for me to get healing and it's really sweet to have someone who sees what Christ wants to do in our lives and wants to help us fight for it. I wish we could all do that and I pray that this is one of the things I'll get to do for the rest of my life, helping fight for the kingdom, for redemption, for the gospel in people's lives, in their hearts, in their souls....
Third, things are okay and from time to time feel like they're getting better. This is a painful process (counseling, healing, recovery, life...) but through it Christ will be Glorified and I will eventually be healed. It will take my whole life but hitting a lot of the stuff that's on me now will really help me see healing sooner rather than later and I praise God that he's working to help bring this about.
Fourth, I'm finding people in my group who are sweet and who like to hang out and enjoy quality time. It's a slow process but it's going to happen.
and Fifth, I'm still way to critical about people and situations. I have high standards but know that I am, in some situations, lacking in mercy and grace for those who are making mistakes. To simply try to ignore it may still be the wrong answer though and figuring out what to do, is well, an act of faith that I'm going to have to significantly explore. To do nothing is to discount the fact God is showing you stuff and maybe wants you to do something (appropriate) about it. To pray is to trust God will do what he needs to do, including use you to do something (appropriate) about it. To do something about it as in to approach and to talk about it would be to help preserve the glory and character of Christ, would be to (maybe) rebuke a brother who's (maybe) making an error but to do so wrongly will hurt, wound, and potentially show the judgementalism in my heart. As for now, the choice must be to pray and trust God to show me what I should do with and in the full character of Christ.
Please continue to pray that God will do great things in my life, bringing about healing and using me for the Kingdom - to help bring Glory, Honor, and Praise to the name of Jesus Christ.
Second, counseling is probably the best thing I've decided to do other than embrace Jesus. I have a sister in Christ who wants to help fight for me to get healing and it's really sweet to have someone who sees what Christ wants to do in our lives and wants to help us fight for it. I wish we could all do that and I pray that this is one of the things I'll get to do for the rest of my life, helping fight for the kingdom, for redemption, for the gospel in people's lives, in their hearts, in their souls....
Third, things are okay and from time to time feel like they're getting better. This is a painful process (counseling, healing, recovery, life...) but through it Christ will be Glorified and I will eventually be healed. It will take my whole life but hitting a lot of the stuff that's on me now will really help me see healing sooner rather than later and I praise God that he's working to help bring this about.
Fourth, I'm finding people in my group who are sweet and who like to hang out and enjoy quality time. It's a slow process but it's going to happen.
and Fifth, I'm still way to critical about people and situations. I have high standards but know that I am, in some situations, lacking in mercy and grace for those who are making mistakes. To simply try to ignore it may still be the wrong answer though and figuring out what to do, is well, an act of faith that I'm going to have to significantly explore. To do nothing is to discount the fact God is showing you stuff and maybe wants you to do something (appropriate) about it. To pray is to trust God will do what he needs to do, including use you to do something (appropriate) about it. To do something about it as in to approach and to talk about it would be to help preserve the glory and character of Christ, would be to (maybe) rebuke a brother who's (maybe) making an error but to do so wrongly will hurt, wound, and potentially show the judgementalism in my heart. As for now, the choice must be to pray and trust God to show me what I should do with and in the full character of Christ.
Please continue to pray that God will do great things in my life, bringing about healing and using me for the Kingdom - to help bring Glory, Honor, and Praise to the name of Jesus Christ.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Exchanging Truth for lies
Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics
My favorite quote from Stats 145. Anyways...
Yeah, so there's this lie I believe. I feel like I am sin, or like I am my sin or like I am the wrath of my sin. The sin of course is SSA and I think I feel so much like I am it is because in many ways, the sin carries an identity that is very strong and seems at times to be, well, me. Of course when I said this in a prayer group time tonight, I was challenged by a leader — "you do realize what you just said?" "yes, I know what I said and I'm not saying it's true but that at many times I feel as if I am my sin or as if I am sin."
Driving home just a few minutes later, I felt like all of these things started being spoken — perhaps as if this is the wrath of something I've done like in how the biblical-era Israelites were assumed to be sinful (or their parents or parent's parents) if they struggled with an infirmity. This is, in many ways, how I feel about my struggles and this feeling does not reflect the truth of the matter.
The truth of the matter is that the sin has been atoned for and I need not walk in it any longer. It has no power over me for Christ has broken its bond over me. Knowing this, I can't but think that I must be welcoming it or not actively rejecting it and that this must be a reason why my battle for freedom seems to be so easily stymied. I even desire to indulge the lust even right now despite all of the truth and knowledge that I know, though perhaps do not embrace or perhaps cannot accept with my heart.
The lie is that I am my sin, that Christ is not able to separate it from me, not able to purify or rip off the flesh from my body, remove the evil-desiring portions of my heart, etc. Most feel shameful or guilty that they can't get with the program and stop sinning. I guess, for the time-being, do not feel like I get that line of attack from the enemy because he'd rather make me feel like I have no choice as, perhaps he claims that I am but one thing, a sinner who desires to be comforted by what I know, my state living in sin, without hope, without desire for freedom. In essence, if the sin is removed, I will cease to exist. Two words: Scare Tactics.
There is a choice, I can choose Christ and to accept the TRUTH that I am not my sin, that Christ has atoned for these sins and for me, a sinful person, and that I am now a new creation, being transformed to be like Christ. Even-though I may be afflicted with SSA and even-though it seems as if it is me, it is not and I must reject it to put on the clothes of Christ. Furthermore, I must reject self-hatred and self-condemnation and put on the clothes of Christ, a son who is fully known and fully loved by the Father. One who is justified by the Father through Christ and needs not to condemn one's self.
If we embrace the lies, it will not cancel out the truth but it will make it damn near impossible to live as if the truth is true for us. Our knowledge is not defined by Truth but by feelings and the lies we embrace and, well, we will be sinning against God for we are refusing to believe who we are in him, who we are as the Word declares and the wrath, the result of this sin is a lack of hope and faith in the promises we have essentially rejected. For the time being, we may be saved by Jesus but we are not fully aware of the depth of saving and redemption that Christ is going to accomplish. Yes, even if we can't fathom the depths of our sins and disbelief, Christ intimately knows it all and permits us grace and mercy especially for the things we know not of and have little if any power to do anything about. In application, I may not be able personally stop my SSA but I can be striving to seek out more of God and some of those root issues and theology issues and I can be praying, confessing and repenting... Christ role is to change my heart and my role is to ask him, partner with him, and let him do as he will.
Lord, have your way.
My favorite quote from Stats 145. Anyways...
Yeah, so there's this lie I believe. I feel like I am sin, or like I am my sin or like I am the wrath of my sin. The sin of course is SSA and I think I feel so much like I am it is because in many ways, the sin carries an identity that is very strong and seems at times to be, well, me. Of course when I said this in a prayer group time tonight, I was challenged by a leader — "you do realize what you just said?" "yes, I know what I said and I'm not saying it's true but that at many times I feel as if I am my sin or as if I am sin."
Driving home just a few minutes later, I felt like all of these things started being spoken — perhaps as if this is the wrath of something I've done like in how the biblical-era Israelites were assumed to be sinful (or their parents or parent's parents) if they struggled with an infirmity. This is, in many ways, how I feel about my struggles and this feeling does not reflect the truth of the matter.
The truth of the matter is that the sin has been atoned for and I need not walk in it any longer. It has no power over me for Christ has broken its bond over me. Knowing this, I can't but think that I must be welcoming it or not actively rejecting it and that this must be a reason why my battle for freedom seems to be so easily stymied. I even desire to indulge the lust even right now despite all of the truth and knowledge that I know, though perhaps do not embrace or perhaps cannot accept with my heart.
The lie is that I am my sin, that Christ is not able to separate it from me, not able to purify or rip off the flesh from my body, remove the evil-desiring portions of my heart, etc. Most feel shameful or guilty that they can't get with the program and stop sinning. I guess, for the time-being, do not feel like I get that line of attack from the enemy because he'd rather make me feel like I have no choice as, perhaps he claims that I am but one thing, a sinner who desires to be comforted by what I know, my state living in sin, without hope, without desire for freedom. In essence, if the sin is removed, I will cease to exist. Two words: Scare Tactics.
There is a choice, I can choose Christ and to accept the TRUTH that I am not my sin, that Christ has atoned for these sins and for me, a sinful person, and that I am now a new creation, being transformed to be like Christ. Even-though I may be afflicted with SSA and even-though it seems as if it is me, it is not and I must reject it to put on the clothes of Christ. Furthermore, I must reject self-hatred and self-condemnation and put on the clothes of Christ, a son who is fully known and fully loved by the Father. One who is justified by the Father through Christ and needs not to condemn one's self.
If we embrace the lies, it will not cancel out the truth but it will make it damn near impossible to live as if the truth is true for us. Our knowledge is not defined by Truth but by feelings and the lies we embrace and, well, we will be sinning against God for we are refusing to believe who we are in him, who we are as the Word declares and the wrath, the result of this sin is a lack of hope and faith in the promises we have essentially rejected. For the time being, we may be saved by Jesus but we are not fully aware of the depth of saving and redemption that Christ is going to accomplish. Yes, even if we can't fathom the depths of our sins and disbelief, Christ intimately knows it all and permits us grace and mercy especially for the things we know not of and have little if any power to do anything about. In application, I may not be able personally stop my SSA but I can be striving to seek out more of God and some of those root issues and theology issues and I can be praying, confessing and repenting... Christ role is to change my heart and my role is to ask him, partner with him, and let him do as he will.
Lord, have your way.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Depths
So I know a pastor who questions whether David was like schizophrenic because of his psalms which some give great praise for God being near and then cry out, where are you God in the same song and verse even.
So I write tonight, perhaps in good company, that life is hard. Certainly there are many who would agree but tonight was especially hard. I sit in Church and feel like I'm being bombarded with thoughts that are depressing at best. I eagerly desire friends but this group I think I'm joining seems to be full of people who, well, could care less about whether or not I'm there. Maybe it's true but for someone who has been in situation after situation where they've felt rejected or were convinced they were rejected, it's hard to even dare to dream of something different. I decided during the service to talk to someone in the group and ask them, "do you think that the people in your group are people who desire to build friendships and relationships with new people?"
The answer I got was less than I could hope for and more along the lines of "building friendships is something you have to initiate and invest in and if you're not willing to do what you need to to build into a friendship, you're not going to find it." Also that "it could take six months to develop friendships in a group" and that you just have to stick with it." Again, disheartening because six months is a long time and because I'm lonely now. I asked him from his perspective as someone in the group and he thinks people are open to friendships but that they follow more than they initiate. This is not what I want to hear.
I hate feeling like I have to justify to others why it is worth their time to get to know me, to value me, to find worth in me. I hate feeling like I'm going head to head with relationships where the people I want to get to know make the easy decision to hang out with the guy they've been in friendship with since elementary school, junior high or high school. I hate having to deal with the enemy who continues to point to the obvious to say that I'm not loved, valued, desired, worth time, etc. Jesus so loves me and desires so much for me and yet I feel so far from him. I just feel like I have horrible secrets that I need to dump and people who I just wish could be there to help me. These secrets, this depression - it all feels like my soul, mind and heart is being ripped apart, limb by limb.
In the midst of this, I have the joy and freedom to be able to look up and pray and find peace, joy, and love from Jesus. Yes, this Jesus who is inviting me to take off my robes of pain, lust, evil, depravity, rejection and put on his robes of grace, love, righteousness, innocence and truth. Yes, this Jesus who brings freedom from the situations, flesh, and principalities that desire to see me take glory from the father and self-destruct. I want to be with people who desire this, who so eagerly desire this that it is evident in who they are and what they do. I haven't found these people yet or at least the Lord hasn't illuminated this for me yet.
And I don't want to say that I'm trying to find perfect people or something. This is something that's been suggested (accused) of my motivations. I just don't want another situation where I am in a group where I can't build relationships with men in the group because 1) they're too busy, 2) they could care less about the bible or pursuing Jesus, or 3) don't really appear to value me and/or our friendship to the point that they'd want to get to know me, meet regularly or hang out all that much, etc. ...And now I think I understand why so many people start drinking alone, they just don't have other people to drink with or really anything of value worth not being drunk for. God, I pray that I won't be a loner for long now!!!!!
And in this, I guess I see the codependency pop to the surface. But as I told my counselor, I'd rather have codependent relationships than no relationships at all. For the time being, unless I really try to connect with some of these people in my new group, I think I'll probably feel like I'll have neither. And in the dark places where I'm driving my car home or getting ready to go to bed at 9pm because I've got nothing going on.... in those places I get depressed and in those places, I start to lust after things and in that kind of a place, I so desperately fear that I will seek to have a one night stand or otherwise do something that I will regret. Of course you can't say this to anyone because there are far to few people who are mature enough to know how to deal with this and such seems to be my lot.
Lord, I desire friends, buddies who I can hang out with, enjoy time with. People who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and who I desire to see Him glorified in theirs. People who seek after truth and enjoy talking about truth, praying, moving as they would be led. People who actually call about hanging out and doing this or whatever. People who I don't feel like I have to justify my worth to or why they should like me, love me, etc. People who I can be completely real with and who are fine with that. Lord, I desire people who are like this.... Jesus, make me one of these people and help me find the others you're transforming to be like this. Jesus, help me to not feel entrapped in my loneliness, depression, and lust.
So I write tonight, perhaps in good company, that life is hard. Certainly there are many who would agree but tonight was especially hard. I sit in Church and feel like I'm being bombarded with thoughts that are depressing at best. I eagerly desire friends but this group I think I'm joining seems to be full of people who, well, could care less about whether or not I'm there. Maybe it's true but for someone who has been in situation after situation where they've felt rejected or were convinced they were rejected, it's hard to even dare to dream of something different. I decided during the service to talk to someone in the group and ask them, "do you think that the people in your group are people who desire to build friendships and relationships with new people?"
The answer I got was less than I could hope for and more along the lines of "building friendships is something you have to initiate and invest in and if you're not willing to do what you need to to build into a friendship, you're not going to find it." Also that "it could take six months to develop friendships in a group" and that you just have to stick with it." Again, disheartening because six months is a long time and because I'm lonely now. I asked him from his perspective as someone in the group and he thinks people are open to friendships but that they follow more than they initiate. This is not what I want to hear.
I hate feeling like I have to justify to others why it is worth their time to get to know me, to value me, to find worth in me. I hate feeling like I'm going head to head with relationships where the people I want to get to know make the easy decision to hang out with the guy they've been in friendship with since elementary school, junior high or high school. I hate having to deal with the enemy who continues to point to the obvious to say that I'm not loved, valued, desired, worth time, etc. Jesus so loves me and desires so much for me and yet I feel so far from him. I just feel like I have horrible secrets that I need to dump and people who I just wish could be there to help me. These secrets, this depression - it all feels like my soul, mind and heart is being ripped apart, limb by limb.
In the midst of this, I have the joy and freedom to be able to look up and pray and find peace, joy, and love from Jesus. Yes, this Jesus who is inviting me to take off my robes of pain, lust, evil, depravity, rejection and put on his robes of grace, love, righteousness, innocence and truth. Yes, this Jesus who brings freedom from the situations, flesh, and principalities that desire to see me take glory from the father and self-destruct. I want to be with people who desire this, who so eagerly desire this that it is evident in who they are and what they do. I haven't found these people yet or at least the Lord hasn't illuminated this for me yet.
And I don't want to say that I'm trying to find perfect people or something. This is something that's been suggested (accused) of my motivations. I just don't want another situation where I am in a group where I can't build relationships with men in the group because 1) they're too busy, 2) they could care less about the bible or pursuing Jesus, or 3) don't really appear to value me and/or our friendship to the point that they'd want to get to know me, meet regularly or hang out all that much, etc. ...And now I think I understand why so many people start drinking alone, they just don't have other people to drink with or really anything of value worth not being drunk for. God, I pray that I won't be a loner for long now!!!!!
And in this, I guess I see the codependency pop to the surface. But as I told my counselor, I'd rather have codependent relationships than no relationships at all. For the time being, unless I really try to connect with some of these people in my new group, I think I'll probably feel like I'll have neither. And in the dark places where I'm driving my car home or getting ready to go to bed at 9pm because I've got nothing going on.... in those places I get depressed and in those places, I start to lust after things and in that kind of a place, I so desperately fear that I will seek to have a one night stand or otherwise do something that I will regret. Of course you can't say this to anyone because there are far to few people who are mature enough to know how to deal with this and such seems to be my lot.
Lord, I desire friends, buddies who I can hang out with, enjoy time with. People who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and who I desire to see Him glorified in theirs. People who seek after truth and enjoy talking about truth, praying, moving as they would be led. People who actually call about hanging out and doing this or whatever. People who I don't feel like I have to justify my worth to or why they should like me, love me, etc. People who I can be completely real with and who are fine with that. Lord, I desire people who are like this.... Jesus, make me one of these people and help me find the others you're transforming to be like this. Jesus, help me to not feel entrapped in my loneliness, depression, and lust.
Monday, September 15, 2008
The Power IS OUT!!!! Are You Prepared?!?
So the power has been out since 3pm Sunday. I've got just one question for you -- are you prepared?!? Find out here.
Of course we've got power at work and while I enjoy my salt and vinegar potato chips, I write some words. One, it was a bad idea to go grocery shopping during the power outage somehow thinking - oh yeah, we'll have power sometime this evening and the food will not spoil. I guess I wasted a $15 on perishables.... Then I got Chinese late last night thinking I'll save it for lunch today but then realizing today that, oh crap, the power didn't go on so that means my food is probably spoiled so I can't eat it today (unless I desire to get sick of course).
Anyway, so like a typical blogger, it's time to spill the deep dark secrets. I'll write more about this later after I have more time to pray and think about this but the revolution in thought is this simple understanding that no matter what I do, Jesus loves me. I don't have to do anything to merit his love, his presence, his comfort. I could choose to do things my way, do worse and yet Jesus loves me just as I am. I don't have to seek after him or do religious things to get approval because I've already got it. There is real freedom in Christ to do as I desire and be loved just the same. In this freedom, there's room to love and worship Christ back for who he is and what he has done, is doing, and will do in my life. What a revolutionary concept -- that love could simply be based on who you are and not what you do! Some of the people I've talked to seem to get this but I'll just say that it is so much harder to get it and to let it sustain you when you deal with extreme levels of self-hatred. When one needs to learn how to love others, love themselves and love God all over again. It's like I'm hearing the Gospel for the very first time and I've been "trying" to follow Christ for eight years.
More on this later,
ttyl,
eric
Of course we've got power at work and while I enjoy my salt and vinegar potato chips, I write some words. One, it was a bad idea to go grocery shopping during the power outage somehow thinking - oh yeah, we'll have power sometime this evening and the food will not spoil. I guess I wasted a $15 on perishables.... Then I got Chinese late last night thinking I'll save it for lunch today but then realizing today that, oh crap, the power didn't go on so that means my food is probably spoiled so I can't eat it today (unless I desire to get sick of course).
Anyway, so like a typical blogger, it's time to spill the deep dark secrets. I'll write more about this later after I have more time to pray and think about this but the revolution in thought is this simple understanding that no matter what I do, Jesus loves me. I don't have to do anything to merit his love, his presence, his comfort. I could choose to do things my way, do worse and yet Jesus loves me just as I am. I don't have to seek after him or do religious things to get approval because I've already got it. There is real freedom in Christ to do as I desire and be loved just the same. In this freedom, there's room to love and worship Christ back for who he is and what he has done, is doing, and will do in my life. What a revolutionary concept -- that love could simply be based on who you are and not what you do! Some of the people I've talked to seem to get this but I'll just say that it is so much harder to get it and to let it sustain you when you deal with extreme levels of self-hatred. When one needs to learn how to love others, love themselves and love God all over again. It's like I'm hearing the Gospel for the very first time and I've been "trying" to follow Christ for eight years.
ttyl,
eric
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Hope Shines
The depression broke by Monday morning, like a fever letting up. Things are okay now.
I've been listening to some conference tapes of Brennan Manning in '93 from a college in Washington and it is, well, excellent. Not because I learn but because God is communicating something through those tapes. Simply God loves me as I am and nothing I do will change that. He'd love me to become more like Christ and find life in him but he still loves me now more than ever, more than anything.
Today's session went well until I was asked the question "how do I know God? As Father, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit." I blanked and tried to answer the question but maybe deflected. I recommitted my life today but for some reason I felt like there was a wall, like I could not think or feel.... it was weird. With prompting for what to say from my counselor with words like "repent" and "express your thankfulness," I tried to get through that prayer. Something is wrong in me, that I do not understand the cross, Jesus and what he had to go through. I do not feel like I know God though I know he fully knows and fully loves me. I eagerly ask God to do things but I seldom listen to hear what he has to say to me, look to see what he looks like, listen to hear how he sounds like, etc. Either I fail or Satan is eff-ing with me or something.
So I'll be going to a new small group if - if possible - tomorrow. Not because I so desperately need to or was justified by my counselor but because there's no harm in looking and seeing what's out there and if I feel like God is calling me to another group, then so be it. If not, I'll be back in a jiffy....
I should place more of an effort to get to know who this God guy is — go on a trip with him, read his word, listen to his voice, etc. I pray I'll make this a priority soon.
I must go soon....
Please pray that God will continue to show me Himself, especially his heart of compassion.
Please pray that I will be moved and changed.
Please pray that I will find some friends who I can live life with.
Please pray that I will eagerly pursue him and then healing.
Please pray that I will find lasting joy and peace in the Lord soon.
I've been listening to some conference tapes of Brennan Manning in '93 from a college in Washington and it is, well, excellent. Not because I learn but because God is communicating something through those tapes. Simply God loves me as I am and nothing I do will change that. He'd love me to become more like Christ and find life in him but he still loves me now more than ever, more than anything.
Today's session went well until I was asked the question "how do I know God? As Father, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit." I blanked and tried to answer the question but maybe deflected. I recommitted my life today but for some reason I felt like there was a wall, like I could not think or feel.... it was weird. With prompting for what to say from my counselor with words like "repent" and "express your thankfulness," I tried to get through that prayer. Something is wrong in me, that I do not understand the cross, Jesus and what he had to go through. I do not feel like I know God though I know he fully knows and fully loves me. I eagerly ask God to do things but I seldom listen to hear what he has to say to me, look to see what he looks like, listen to hear how he sounds like, etc. Either I fail or Satan is eff-ing with me or something.
So I'll be going to a new small group if - if possible - tomorrow. Not because I so desperately need to or was justified by my counselor but because there's no harm in looking and seeing what's out there and if I feel like God is calling me to another group, then so be it. If not, I'll be back in a jiffy....
I should place more of an effort to get to know who this God guy is — go on a trip with him, read his word, listen to his voice, etc. I pray I'll make this a priority soon.
I must go soon....
Please pray that God will continue to show me Himself, especially his heart of compassion.
Please pray that I will be moved and changed.
Please pray that I will find some friends who I can live life with.
Please pray that I will eagerly pursue him and then healing.
Please pray that I will find lasting joy and peace in the Lord soon.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Numbness and Apathy Continues
So today is Saturday the 6th. Again, I had nothing to do on a Friday night. Yes, I spent some time with a friend earlier in the evening but nothing in the evening. I thought I was going to hang out with friends, maybe smoke some hookah (flavored tobacco) with friends but that didn't pan out. I ended up going to bed around 9pm because I was really tired and also because I was quite lonely. Compounding the loneliness were a couple actions that were meant to rest my lustful desires and yet one still feels lonely, still feels down.
I wonder about the effect of people who are addicted to sex, porn and masturbation. A cnn.com article mentioned about how these people are addicted to the high you get when you do these things and that most find it difficult overcome. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a part of the 3 to 6 percent of America that is thought to suffer from this. Sometimes I wonder if 3 to 6 percent is a really low estimate.
I think I am realizing more that the needs of my community and my own needs are really different. Like, I'd like friends but most the people in my group already have friends. Like, I want to significantly grow in my knowledge and relationship with Christ yet either other people already have or have other priorities like work or relationships that are getting in the way (at least for us to have this bond). I really want a community where others are challenging me and pushing me on to run the race, to be active but instead, I'm usually standing still and seemingly quite numb in my faith walk. I know I'll get busier but this is a priority I want to make (though current decisions and lifestyle choices say otherwise - i.e. not praying or reading the word as much as I should, if ever).
Certainly, I cannot blame my group for everything and I can't. I am personally accountable before Jesus for what I do with my life. The question is, can I reasonably expect to be able to change the culture of my group or not? And the answer is quite simply "no." Not because they're not changeable but because only God can change our hearts and that's what we need. My understanding is this, if we as a group don't desire to change our hearts on these things then we will most likely not see the Lord breaking in and changing our hearts. God can do whatever he wants but Jesus wants us to ask him to help us.
As for me though, I started a support group for my sexual issues and have started to go see a counselor. Regarding the group, I am starting to dread the fact that they'll want me to share what I'm struggling with in deep detail and that I should share that at no points this week have I been repentant and tried to stop acting on my lust. More than that, I'll have to share the content of my lust with people who I fear will not understand, will not have the grace and love of Christ. At times I feel like this is not a safe place to cry, a safe place to heal.
In many ways right now, I'm upset about the things going on around me. I hate the idea that I'm starting to work (despite the fact that not working makes you feel so worthless) and not able to have the freedom to hang out with people, etc. Work adds so much structure to your life, as if 2/3rds of my week are now gone and that things will now move so much slower until, well, I die. Again, not realistic. I could also say I'm upset that I'm not more repentant about my sin, not more grieved by the Spirit. I should have hope that I will have more Joy as these were words given to me and yet for some reason, Words from the Lord feel useless to me. Parts of me feel like at times that I am beyond the cross — a lie from the enemy but when you don't feel condemnation from the Spirit when you're in open opposition, there's not much else I can think of to explain it.
As for what to do... I've got this paper taped to my computer with something written on it. Words of wisdom from a friend's counselor. "If it doesn't work, try something else, try a different way." Secondly, "Push people, tell them what you want and if they balk, move on." Perhaps it's time to start applying these concepts.
I wonder about the effect of people who are addicted to sex, porn and masturbation. A cnn.com article mentioned about how these people are addicted to the high you get when you do these things and that most find it difficult overcome. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a part of the 3 to 6 percent of America that is thought to suffer from this. Sometimes I wonder if 3 to 6 percent is a really low estimate.
I think I am realizing more that the needs of my community and my own needs are really different. Like, I'd like friends but most the people in my group already have friends. Like, I want to significantly grow in my knowledge and relationship with Christ yet either other people already have or have other priorities like work or relationships that are getting in the way (at least for us to have this bond). I really want a community where others are challenging me and pushing me on to run the race, to be active but instead, I'm usually standing still and seemingly quite numb in my faith walk. I know I'll get busier but this is a priority I want to make (though current decisions and lifestyle choices say otherwise - i.e. not praying or reading the word as much as I should, if ever).
Certainly, I cannot blame my group for everything and I can't. I am personally accountable before Jesus for what I do with my life. The question is, can I reasonably expect to be able to change the culture of my group or not? And the answer is quite simply "no." Not because they're not changeable but because only God can change our hearts and that's what we need. My understanding is this, if we as a group don't desire to change our hearts on these things then we will most likely not see the Lord breaking in and changing our hearts. God can do whatever he wants but Jesus wants us to ask him to help us.
As for me though, I started a support group for my sexual issues and have started to go see a counselor. Regarding the group, I am starting to dread the fact that they'll want me to share what I'm struggling with in deep detail and that I should share that at no points this week have I been repentant and tried to stop acting on my lust. More than that, I'll have to share the content of my lust with people who I fear will not understand, will not have the grace and love of Christ. At times I feel like this is not a safe place to cry, a safe place to heal.
In many ways right now, I'm upset about the things going on around me. I hate the idea that I'm starting to work (despite the fact that not working makes you feel so worthless) and not able to have the freedom to hang out with people, etc. Work adds so much structure to your life, as if 2/3rds of my week are now gone and that things will now move so much slower until, well, I die. Again, not realistic. I could also say I'm upset that I'm not more repentant about my sin, not more grieved by the Spirit. I should have hope that I will have more Joy as these were words given to me and yet for some reason, Words from the Lord feel useless to me. Parts of me feel like at times that I am beyond the cross — a lie from the enemy but when you don't feel condemnation from the Spirit when you're in open opposition, there's not much else I can think of to explain it.
As for what to do... I've got this paper taped to my computer with something written on it. Words of wisdom from a friend's counselor. "If it doesn't work, try something else, try a different way." Secondly, "Push people, tell them what you want and if they balk, move on." Perhaps it's time to start applying these concepts.
Monday, August 25, 2008
New Start
I write this from the dining room of my new place. Thanks to the graciousness of my roommate, landlord and friend, I can have my computer and desk in the dining room. I am thankful because without this I would be typing in a stuffy basement away from the view of those who could comfort, encourage, and hold me accountable. A year of being a recluse may soon be worked out of me.
I am thankful to the Lord that he has provided this house for me to live in, to enjoy with some great roommates. These are great roommates that I will quarrel with, celebrate with, and pursue You with. I am so rough around the edges, so jealous, so greedy, so envious, so depraved and yet now I live in someone else's house of who I need to respect, love, follow, and bless. I will fail but from my failure will come grace and lessons learned, this will be a good year.
And yet at work today, by far the worst day yet, I really question whether I want to continue pursuing planning or really anything else like that. This one internship can't reflect on what all of planning must be like but I'll say that I don't want to spend the rest of my working years (or even just one more year) sifting through development text, making plans, working with the public, babying developers to make sure they implement the changes you required, etc. Oh the work required to help shape a city into the gem that everyone hopes for — the work must be rewarding (still trying to get that feeling) but perhaps not for me.
I would rather help shape individuals and communities of believers over cities and nations. These things will crumble and burn but building up people and churches, that work will stand for eternity. And in no way is this more evident than this stupid bikeway project I'm working on. The trails without maintenance will just fall a part and though the city required developers to build them, there's no money to maintain them. In our rough economic times, few are worried about taking care of bikepaths that run next to superior neighborhood streets for one's riding pleasure. I'm trying to be conservative regarding my approach but it really isn't my decision. And paths built just 15 to 10 years ago are already breaking apart and will require gobs of money to fix.
Compare this with the fruit of one's labor in teaching and preaching, in praying and building up fellow believers. Today I felt like my slow computer was eating my soul and leading me toward death and yet, last night while praying for a friend and possibly helping to heal her of a painful fall, I felt alive and with purpose. Doing the work of the Kingdom is my hope for a career and if I'm supposed to get out of this, I pray God would do something soon.
And that something may have little if anything to do with getting me out of the program or workplace. In fact, who am I to say that this wandering path will not lead directly to where I feel like God's eventually leading me. Planning teaches you a lot about how not to lead, plan, etc. and this will lead to blessing for the church. Certainly the career path matches my skills but just not my desire for a more vibrant, more faithful, more alive church. And as I write this, I am reminded again that it is Christ who does all of this and yet so much more — I have no power to make any of these things happen yet we know Christ uses people to bring about his will, his purpose, his Kingdom. I wish to be one of those people.
So tomorrow I'm eating left over Chipotlé stored in one of our two fridges. Maybe I'll get some significant GIS work done tomorrow, maybe I'll feel better about using my skills to improve people's lives even in a seemingly insignificant way. In this time, God is moving to change me, to mold me, to make me more like Him. Who knew the awkward times trying to figure out what to do at work, trying to be honest, trying to deal with rush hour traffic could, perhaps, build character? Could be used to help us understand that we are not the center of the universe (from Matt Chandler).
Jesus, you're the center of the universe and I want you more than everything else and if I have to loose my life (abandon my degree, career, etc.) to follow you, I will.
I love you Dad,
All Glory, Honor, and Power is yours Amen!
I am thankful to the Lord that he has provided this house for me to live in, to enjoy with some great roommates. These are great roommates that I will quarrel with, celebrate with, and pursue You with. I am so rough around the edges, so jealous, so greedy, so envious, so depraved and yet now I live in someone else's house of who I need to respect, love, follow, and bless. I will fail but from my failure will come grace and lessons learned, this will be a good year.
And yet at work today, by far the worst day yet, I really question whether I want to continue pursuing planning or really anything else like that. This one internship can't reflect on what all of planning must be like but I'll say that I don't want to spend the rest of my working years (or even just one more year) sifting through development text, making plans, working with the public, babying developers to make sure they implement the changes you required, etc. Oh the work required to help shape a city into the gem that everyone hopes for — the work must be rewarding (still trying to get that feeling) but perhaps not for me.
I would rather help shape individuals and communities of believers over cities and nations. These things will crumble and burn but building up people and churches, that work will stand for eternity. And in no way is this more evident than this stupid bikeway project I'm working on. The trails without maintenance will just fall a part and though the city required developers to build them, there's no money to maintain them. In our rough economic times, few are worried about taking care of bikepaths that run next to superior neighborhood streets for one's riding pleasure. I'm trying to be conservative regarding my approach but it really isn't my decision. And paths built just 15 to 10 years ago are already breaking apart and will require gobs of money to fix.
Compare this with the fruit of one's labor in teaching and preaching, in praying and building up fellow believers. Today I felt like my slow computer was eating my soul and leading me toward death and yet, last night while praying for a friend and possibly helping to heal her of a painful fall, I felt alive and with purpose. Doing the work of the Kingdom is my hope for a career and if I'm supposed to get out of this, I pray God would do something soon.
And that something may have little if anything to do with getting me out of the program or workplace. In fact, who am I to say that this wandering path will not lead directly to where I feel like God's eventually leading me. Planning teaches you a lot about how not to lead, plan, etc. and this will lead to blessing for the church. Certainly the career path matches my skills but just not my desire for a more vibrant, more faithful, more alive church. And as I write this, I am reminded again that it is Christ who does all of this and yet so much more — I have no power to make any of these things happen yet we know Christ uses people to bring about his will, his purpose, his Kingdom. I wish to be one of those people.
So tomorrow I'm eating left over Chipotlé stored in one of our two fridges. Maybe I'll get some significant GIS work done tomorrow, maybe I'll feel better about using my skills to improve people's lives even in a seemingly insignificant way. In this time, God is moving to change me, to mold me, to make me more like Him. Who knew the awkward times trying to figure out what to do at work, trying to be honest, trying to deal with rush hour traffic could, perhaps, build character? Could be used to help us understand that we are not the center of the universe (from Matt Chandler).
Jesus, you're the center of the universe and I want you more than everything else and if I have to loose my life (abandon my degree, career, etc.) to follow you, I will.
I love you Dad,
All Glory, Honor, and Power is yours Amen!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Where I'm at
I just want to jot a few things down on this night. I move tomorrow to a new house with new roommates and in many ways a new life. I started a job last week and can I say that dressing pretty and shaving every day so that you can stare into a computer monitor sucks? I start counseling next Wednesday and a support group on the 2nd. Things are changing and I hope that they will be for the better.
At the end of a long night, the sky starts to get blue from black, eventually you see rays of sun through the sky. A day is being born. A sunrise that may rival any sunset is forming while you can still see your breath; feel what it's like to be alive.
I've got so much more to pack and I think to myself, why do I have so much? It is such a burden, it is such a waste. When boxes haven't been unpacked for two moves now, is not now the time to throw things out? To give them away? To sell them?
But the sky seems still to be dark. Lust, pride, and depression have formed a thick blanket of clouds and I feel smothered. How do you help people who don't want to help themselves? How do you tell a numb person to feel, to think, to decide, to act, to destroy what binds them to death? How does one change one's self? Well there's an answer there — one cannot change one's self. Lord, Father, Dad — please help me as I fell, I hurt, I don't know what to do.
I am a saint, twice bought and owned by Christ, who has a sin problem, who is paranoid, who is a control freak, who hates one's self, who has little hope, who feels like they're living two lives. The one they want to live in Christ and the one on the fast track, careening into an eternity of death and destruction, perversion and pain. Oh I just wish this night could be over and that I, once again, could feel the joy and peace of being in the presence of my Father, who deeply loves me and will be forever praised, Amen.
At the end of a long night, the sky starts to get blue from black, eventually you see rays of sun through the sky. A day is being born. A sunrise that may rival any sunset is forming while you can still see your breath; feel what it's like to be alive.
I've got so much more to pack and I think to myself, why do I have so much? It is such a burden, it is such a waste. When boxes haven't been unpacked for two moves now, is not now the time to throw things out? To give them away? To sell them?
But the sky seems still to be dark. Lust, pride, and depression have formed a thick blanket of clouds and I feel smothered. How do you help people who don't want to help themselves? How do you tell a numb person to feel, to think, to decide, to act, to destroy what binds them to death? How does one change one's self? Well there's an answer there — one cannot change one's self. Lord, Father, Dad — please help me as I fell, I hurt, I don't know what to do.
I am a saint, twice bought and owned by Christ, who has a sin problem, who is paranoid, who is a control freak, who hates one's self, who has little hope, who feels like they're living two lives. The one they want to live in Christ and the one on the fast track, careening into an eternity of death and destruction, perversion and pain. Oh I just wish this night could be over and that I, once again, could feel the joy and peace of being in the presence of my Father, who deeply loves me and will be forever praised, Amen.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Who and what are we worshiping?
"'Hosanah Save Us' on Monday, 'Crucify him' on Friday.
"They did not love him for him (who he was) but rather for what he had done."
—Matt Chandler
More on this soon
"They did not love him for him (who he was) but rather for what he had done."
—Matt Chandler
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Funny posting - maybe?
I thought this was funny but I'm not sure why
3 guys need one more roommate for 08-09! - $247
Posted: Tue Aug 5 Expires in 90 days Report as inappropriate Share
We have 4 bedrooms and only 3 are filled. We are a bunch of regualar guys; one english major, one business major and one special education major. What we are looking for is Cory Matthews on the weekdays and Shawn Hunter on the weekends. We like playstation, movies and sports. The apartment is across the street from Jesse Owens South, one block from campus and two short blocks from the South Campus Gateway. The apartment is 3 stories and really cool. Email Kevin at balogh.28@osu.edu if you are interested. We are scheduled to move in on September 16, and the lease goes until September 2, 2009.
Location
1586 Worthington Ave. @ 10th Ave., Columbus, OH
3 guys need one more roommate for 08-09! - $247
Posted: Tue Aug 5 Expires in 90 days Report as inappropriate Share
We have 4 bedrooms and only 3 are filled. We are a bunch of regualar guys; one english major, one business major and one special education major. What we are looking for is Cory Matthews on the weekdays and Shawn Hunter on the weekends. We like playstation, movies and sports. The apartment is across the street from Jesse Owens South, one block from campus and two short blocks from the South Campus Gateway. The apartment is 3 stories and really cool. Email Kevin at balogh.28@osu.edu if you are interested. We are scheduled to move in on September 16, and the lease goes until September 2, 2009.
Location
1586 Worthington Ave. @ 10th Ave., Columbus, OH
Friday, August 1, 2008
Relationships, Transformation, and Some Thoughts
Relationships
Dan and I try to get lunch once a week, maybe every other week at the latest. We've been friends for five years this fall and he is one of the few friends in my life that I would describe as an Oak tree. Beyond Dan, there are a few other solid trees in my garden of friends but as I described to him, I lack these significant friendships in the context of my group and really my church. The kind of friendships that will last, people who will do what is needed to protect you from the evil one, who will confront you when you do wrong, who will endure suffering to help you when you need help. Oh, I am thankful for Dan and I wish I had more friendships with people who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and eagerly desire to see me grow in devotion and likeness to Him! Oh Lord, please show me who these people are.
Transformation
God is doing stuff in my life and this is sweet yet I am not necessarily all smiles. Here's some of the stuff that God is doing:
1) Showing me that he desires good and perfect gifts (discerned in prayer at Breathe, July 19th). In so doing, He is providing what I need. I've got an internship, a roommate, soon an apartment and perhaps some other stuff in the works.
2) Telling me not to worry about the call to be a pastor or a leader because at this time, these are not things that he's calling me to in this season. (discerned at Breathe, July 19th)
2b) The pursuit of trying to figure out these things grew to an obsession and I think the desire to possibly become a pastor was simply not from God and could probably be labeled idolatry. (discerned during ministry time at the close of Joshua House on July 27th).
3) Telling me that I need to focus on knowing who I am in Christ (a repeating theme, perhaps solidified on Sunday, July 27th and Thursday, July 31th). God has a specific plan and purpose for my life and I need to stop pursuing things that he hasn't called me to. Knowing that idolatry is a problem, repenting and focusing on Christ.
4) Idolatry in Kingdom Stuff, and potential rewards of the Kingdom. Realizing that I place too much of a focus on trying to get freedom from sexual sin, in becoming a leader, in fixing my small group, in using my gifts to do great stuff, in seeing the church renewed, in feeling the presence of God, in receiving the gifts of God. My desire for all of these things pulls my worship and adoration away from Christ for Christ's sake to worshiping Christ for he is the one who can deliver me. Worship in this state of idolatry is based on my level of success in reaching what I desire, not based on the divinity and thankfulness of Christ as Lord! (discerned over the past month, Tuesday, July 29 and Thursday, July 31).
5) And finally, maybe not a positive change in the area of lust and sexual brokenness — I was tempted by an ad I read on Craigslist for someone seeking a place to live in exchange for cooking, chores, and whatever else someone might need detailing this person's age, weight and features. I fell fast, just a couple days later and it was hard to get past that but I have to remember that those wells are dry, that they don't quench my thirst and that only Christ can do that. I wasn't even trying to find such an ad but simply looking for people who needed roommates.... Lesson learned: I am weak and I am very able to slip and fall and be dragged into temptation and the schemes of the evil one. I need to know, trust and celebrate the Truth that Jesus is sufficient, that Jesus loves me, that Jesus will eventually transform my heart and bring freedom from sexual brokenness, that someday I'll live in a world where I don't have to struggle with this anymore. I must seek out this Jesus and die to the world so that I can find Life in Him.
Some thoughts as I proceed forward.
1) I need to stop thinking I can fix other people, my group, etc. Either I like my group and I'm going to stay or I'm going to leave because I don't feel like I want to wait for something to happen. I think about group outside of group and I feel like we don't get along, we don't really do anything together, like we're not compatible... "it's not you, it's me — thing...." I think I'll give it a week or two more and see how things change, or don't change. Maybe I'll like say something, who knows.
2) I need to work on my dating relationship with Jesus. I know this sounds retarded^2 because Jesus is a dude and dating God is crazy. Anyways, this would be a metaphor for purposefully making time for us to hang out (me, alone without distractions and with God... time to pray and listen, time to read the Word and listen, time to commune with God. I'd love to do this everyday but I can't so maybe I'll start with one or two several hour dates during the week. Perhaps this fall I'll have an evening and/or a morning for time between me and God.
3) Why do I hide who I am; fake who I am?
- I am a saint
- (yet) I sin
- I struggle with the affects of sexual brokenness
- I am hurting
- I am vulnerable
- I am weak but in Christ I am strong.
- I can't change hearts
- I can't fix people
- I can't fix groups
- I can't fix churches
- I must seek wholly after Jesus
- I must increase my knowledge of the Truth, theology.
- I must surround myself with more people who care enough to try to understand what I'm going through and who are open to be used by God to help me find healing.
- I must not be deceived, I cannot do this on my own
- I must find more friends who desire to be oaks of faith in my life.
- I must wait until God calls me out of this season to move as he would have me move.
Dan and I try to get lunch once a week, maybe every other week at the latest. We've been friends for five years this fall and he is one of the few friends in my life that I would describe as an Oak tree. Beyond Dan, there are a few other solid trees in my garden of friends but as I described to him, I lack these significant friendships in the context of my group and really my church. The kind of friendships that will last, people who will do what is needed to protect you from the evil one, who will confront you when you do wrong, who will endure suffering to help you when you need help. Oh, I am thankful for Dan and I wish I had more friendships with people who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and eagerly desire to see me grow in devotion and likeness to Him! Oh Lord, please show me who these people are.
Transformation
God is doing stuff in my life and this is sweet yet I am not necessarily all smiles. Here's some of the stuff that God is doing:
1) Showing me that he desires good and perfect gifts (discerned in prayer at Breathe, July 19th). In so doing, He is providing what I need. I've got an internship, a roommate, soon an apartment and perhaps some other stuff in the works.
2) Telling me not to worry about the call to be a pastor or a leader because at this time, these are not things that he's calling me to in this season. (discerned at Breathe, July 19th)
2b) The pursuit of trying to figure out these things grew to an obsession and I think the desire to possibly become a pastor was simply not from God and could probably be labeled idolatry. (discerned during ministry time at the close of Joshua House on July 27th).
3) Telling me that I need to focus on knowing who I am in Christ (a repeating theme, perhaps solidified on Sunday, July 27th and Thursday, July 31th). God has a specific plan and purpose for my life and I need to stop pursuing things that he hasn't called me to. Knowing that idolatry is a problem, repenting and focusing on Christ.
4) Idolatry in Kingdom Stuff, and potential rewards of the Kingdom. Realizing that I place too much of a focus on trying to get freedom from sexual sin, in becoming a leader, in fixing my small group, in using my gifts to do great stuff, in seeing the church renewed, in feeling the presence of God, in receiving the gifts of God. My desire for all of these things pulls my worship and adoration away from Christ for Christ's sake to worshiping Christ for he is the one who can deliver me. Worship in this state of idolatry is based on my level of success in reaching what I desire, not based on the divinity and thankfulness of Christ as Lord! (discerned over the past month, Tuesday, July 29 and Thursday, July 31).
5) And finally, maybe not a positive change in the area of lust and sexual brokenness — I was tempted by an ad I read on Craigslist for someone seeking a place to live in exchange for cooking, chores, and whatever else someone might need detailing this person's age, weight and features. I fell fast, just a couple days later and it was hard to get past that but I have to remember that those wells are dry, that they don't quench my thirst and that only Christ can do that. I wasn't even trying to find such an ad but simply looking for people who needed roommates.... Lesson learned: I am weak and I am very able to slip and fall and be dragged into temptation and the schemes of the evil one. I need to know, trust and celebrate the Truth that Jesus is sufficient, that Jesus loves me, that Jesus will eventually transform my heart and bring freedom from sexual brokenness, that someday I'll live in a world where I don't have to struggle with this anymore. I must seek out this Jesus and die to the world so that I can find Life in Him.
Some thoughts as I proceed forward.
1) I need to stop thinking I can fix other people, my group, etc. Either I like my group and I'm going to stay or I'm going to leave because I don't feel like I want to wait for something to happen. I think about group outside of group and I feel like we don't get along, we don't really do anything together, like we're not compatible... "it's not you, it's me — thing...." I think I'll give it a week or two more and see how things change, or don't change. Maybe I'll like say something, who knows.
2) I need to work on my dating relationship with Jesus. I know this sounds retarded^2 because Jesus is a dude and dating God is crazy. Anyways, this would be a metaphor for purposefully making time for us to hang out (me, alone without distractions and with God... time to pray and listen, time to read the Word and listen, time to commune with God. I'd love to do this everyday but I can't so maybe I'll start with one or two several hour dates during the week. Perhaps this fall I'll have an evening and/or a morning for time between me and God.
3) Why do I hide who I am; fake who I am?
- I am a saint
- (yet) I sin
- I struggle with the affects of sexual brokenness
- I am hurting
- I am vulnerable
- I am weak but in Christ I am strong.
- I can't change hearts
- I can't fix people
- I can't fix groups
- I can't fix churches
- I must seek wholly after Jesus
- I must increase my knowledge of the Truth, theology.
- I must surround myself with more people who care enough to try to understand what I'm going through and who are open to be used by God to help me find healing.
- I must not be deceived, I cannot do this on my own
- I must find more friends who desire to be oaks of faith in my life.
- I must wait until God calls me out of this season to move as he would have me move.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Not so profound
So I write this post. I know no one will probably find it (in time) but I write it because I feel like I must.
God I love you and I so struggle to believe that you have good and perfect gifts for me, your son. You've given me a job — praise you and Amen! — but now I need a place to live, people to live with and so much more importantly, I so desperately desire friends. Friends who want to spend time with you, friends who want to know about you, friends who you can tell secrets to. Yes, friends who you can enjoy Christ with and morn life with, yes friends who desire to live lives together. Oh Lord, I really want friends.
Why is this so hard? I am sad. Why? Could it be because I don't know if people understand what it is like to deal with this, to live through this? Tonight is a night that I don't have very often — those kinds of days where I'm at a low. Yes, Today I ate with two friends, helped another take care of some things today. This evening, I passed going to a bar with roomies to, well, eat at home and watch tv. Now, almost 1 A.M., I feel like I'm in a spiral again; I sit at the computer trying to explain what I think I see below the surface.
Oh Lord, I need you but oh Lord, I would so desperately like to have friends who can help keep me company and help me draw closer to you. People to live life with. I need to find a new group, I need to find these people. Oh Lord, please help me.
Yes, you've given me people to talk with from time to time, people who claim they carry the sword and will defend me — oh thank you for them — but these people are few and far between and they are busy Lord, seemingly too busy for me. This is a lie but it is a lie with a shade of truth and oh how the shade of truth can be so convincing. Am I crazy, do I expect too much or am I more real than I've ever been, more in touch with what I need? Am I a relationship addict, is this idolatry? Or is this genuine, something you're putting me through? Regardless Lord, I pray this test would be over with and that life would flow again to my relationships, that I'd be blessed with great people placed in my life so that I could love them and that they could love me. Lord thank you for your gifts and I pray that you will give me gifts in people, especially in the coming days and weeks.
Praise you and may I worship you and do your will all the days of my life, Amen.
God I love you and I so struggle to believe that you have good and perfect gifts for me, your son. You've given me a job — praise you and Amen! — but now I need a place to live, people to live with and so much more importantly, I so desperately desire friends. Friends who want to spend time with you, friends who want to know about you, friends who you can tell secrets to. Yes, friends who you can enjoy Christ with and morn life with, yes friends who desire to live lives together. Oh Lord, I really want friends.
Why is this so hard? I am sad. Why? Could it be because I don't know if people understand what it is like to deal with this, to live through this? Tonight is a night that I don't have very often — those kinds of days where I'm at a low. Yes, Today I ate with two friends, helped another take care of some things today. This evening, I passed going to a bar with roomies to, well, eat at home and watch tv. Now, almost 1 A.M., I feel like I'm in a spiral again; I sit at the computer trying to explain what I think I see below the surface.
Oh Lord, I need you but oh Lord, I would so desperately like to have friends who can help keep me company and help me draw closer to you. People to live life with. I need to find a new group, I need to find these people. Oh Lord, please help me.
Yes, you've given me people to talk with from time to time, people who claim they carry the sword and will defend me — oh thank you for them — but these people are few and far between and they are busy Lord, seemingly too busy for me. This is a lie but it is a lie with a shade of truth and oh how the shade of truth can be so convincing. Am I crazy, do I expect too much or am I more real than I've ever been, more in touch with what I need? Am I a relationship addict, is this idolatry? Or is this genuine, something you're putting me through? Regardless Lord, I pray this test would be over with and that life would flow again to my relationships, that I'd be blessed with great people placed in my life so that I could love them and that they could love me. Lord thank you for your gifts and I pray that you will give me gifts in people, especially in the coming days and weeks.
Praise you and may I worship you and do your will all the days of my life, Amen.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Breathe 08 — God is good!
Breathe went by really fast this year but here are some good things that happened:
— God reminded me that he loves me, wants the best for me, and will do great stuff in my life and give me perfect gifts.
— God is pleased with my open and soft heart, and my heart of service.
— God has plans for my life, plans to prosper me, plans to use me and increase the gift of leadership in me.
— God likes to surprise us (see story below).
— God may trying to develop a gifting to help bring healing to the sick.
Prayer with the Pickerills
So, as previous mentioned here, I am wondering about pastoring as a calling and profession. I was talking to a friend, Grace, after the service that maybe I should have Eric Pickerill pray with me as he's leaving to plant a church in Amsterdam. I don't really know if pastoring is something that is being placed on me and maybe God will give him discernment. So I decide to ask Eric to pray for me (after weeks of being prodded by Patrick, another friend). At the end of the session, I see Eric but he's busy — about to dismiss the session and then later on a cell phone. Talking to Grace, I notice him leaving on a bike and think "Oh crap, he's leaving and now we won't be able to pray."
I then meet up with Patrick, who has been harassing me for weeks to pray with this guy. Patrick's like, "every time you see him, you walk near and then look around and walk away..." and I didn't realize that I do this but I guess I do — Anyway. Walking out of the tent, I think that God doesn't have to speak through this guy as much as he could speak through any one of us or just directly to me. I think, "why do I need him to pray for me anyway, it's not really a big deal, etc."
In the pitch dark walking away from the main tent, I notice Eric and his wife walking toward the tent. I stop them and ask if they could pray with me about my calling and what may be a desire God is giving me to be a church planter and maybe a pastor. They pray and they discern a lot of the things God's doing with me and the passions he's place on my heart.
They pray and say they don't think the call is on me now but that it could be later. Mainly though, they say that they believe God is very pleased with me and how I am choosing do the things in front of me today and that he's pleased and happy with my soft heart and desire to be used. For now, the call may be to act as a deacon — watching after and caring for the community, serving the church, etc — all in line with what God is doing/moving me toward.
It was good to pray with them and I can say that I'll miss them. All along this time, Patrick standing a few feet away, is just extremely floored that God would choose to do this, it was such a sweet morsel of his goodness. Thinking back on it, I didn't have to pray with the Pickerills about this stuff but God made it possible and that was pretty sweet!
Disappointment and Doubt?
Like I said before, the weekend felt so freaking short but I did get to spend some good times with friends and meet some new folks. I guess I had hoped that like last year, I'd get lit up by the Spirit. Sometimes I wonder if I worship that or something but anyway I didn't really get lit up this year. I had hoped that God would release a desire and addiction for some stuff but I don't really feel like that happened. I know I'm loved and this should floor me but for some reason, it seems like an old message. "Yeah, so what God, I know you love me, etc..."
Maybe I need to know that God loves me even though he isn't giving me what I want, when I want it. God, maybe, telling me that he hears my prayers and the prayers of others but that it isn't time for some of these things to happen. Can I be at peace with this? I pray yes.
I think this boils down to idols of security and pride. I want to be secure in my possessions, job, relationships, groups, church and stuff and you know what — I'm so far from that, it's crazy. On pride, I want what God will give me (gifts, presence, experience) — sometimes more than my desire to want to praise God and give him what he deserves, what he desires — Glory! Again, at home now, I feel like I'm a bit in a daze, finding it hard to just settle down and pray, worship, etc. Am I upset? Am I tired? How long can one worship the Father through music and song. Eventually one can lose interest in both but yet God is still worthy of worship even when I don't feel like it. How am I to respond when I am tired? I even saw the Spirit come on people and maybe even heal them and for some reason I don't rejoice, praise God, etc. These are signs and wonders and yet I feel dry — why?
To wrap this up, it wasn't what I thought it would be and God did some good stuff but I'm still in a bit of a down mood. Maybe I need to take some time to connect with God, to get away and be with Him.... Maybe I just need to commit these things to Him and deal with it for this time.
— God reminded me that he loves me, wants the best for me, and will do great stuff in my life and give me perfect gifts.
— God is pleased with my open and soft heart, and my heart of service.
— God has plans for my life, plans to prosper me, plans to use me and increase the gift of leadership in me.
— God likes to surprise us (see story below).
— God may trying to develop a gifting to help bring healing to the sick.
Prayer with the Pickerills
So, as previous mentioned here, I am wondering about pastoring as a calling and profession. I was talking to a friend, Grace, after the service that maybe I should have Eric Pickerill pray with me as he's leaving to plant a church in Amsterdam. I don't really know if pastoring is something that is being placed on me and maybe God will give him discernment. So I decide to ask Eric to pray for me (after weeks of being prodded by Patrick, another friend). At the end of the session, I see Eric but he's busy — about to dismiss the session and then later on a cell phone. Talking to Grace, I notice him leaving on a bike and think "Oh crap, he's leaving and now we won't be able to pray."
I then meet up with Patrick, who has been harassing me for weeks to pray with this guy. Patrick's like, "every time you see him, you walk near and then look around and walk away..." and I didn't realize that I do this but I guess I do — Anyway. Walking out of the tent, I think that God doesn't have to speak through this guy as much as he could speak through any one of us or just directly to me. I think, "why do I need him to pray for me anyway, it's not really a big deal, etc."
In the pitch dark walking away from the main tent, I notice Eric and his wife walking toward the tent. I stop them and ask if they could pray with me about my calling and what may be a desire God is giving me to be a church planter and maybe a pastor. They pray and they discern a lot of the things God's doing with me and the passions he's place on my heart.
They pray and say they don't think the call is on me now but that it could be later. Mainly though, they say that they believe God is very pleased with me and how I am choosing do the things in front of me today and that he's pleased and happy with my soft heart and desire to be used. For now, the call may be to act as a deacon — watching after and caring for the community, serving the church, etc — all in line with what God is doing/moving me toward.
It was good to pray with them and I can say that I'll miss them. All along this time, Patrick standing a few feet away, is just extremely floored that God would choose to do this, it was such a sweet morsel of his goodness. Thinking back on it, I didn't have to pray with the Pickerills about this stuff but God made it possible and that was pretty sweet!
Disappointment and Doubt?
Like I said before, the weekend felt so freaking short but I did get to spend some good times with friends and meet some new folks. I guess I had hoped that like last year, I'd get lit up by the Spirit. Sometimes I wonder if I worship that or something but anyway I didn't really get lit up this year. I had hoped that God would release a desire and addiction for some stuff but I don't really feel like that happened. I know I'm loved and this should floor me but for some reason, it seems like an old message. "Yeah, so what God, I know you love me, etc..."
Maybe I need to know that God loves me even though he isn't giving me what I want, when I want it. God, maybe, telling me that he hears my prayers and the prayers of others but that it isn't time for some of these things to happen. Can I be at peace with this? I pray yes.
I think this boils down to idols of security and pride. I want to be secure in my possessions, job, relationships, groups, church and stuff and you know what — I'm so far from that, it's crazy. On pride, I want what God will give me (gifts, presence, experience) — sometimes more than my desire to want to praise God and give him what he deserves, what he desires — Glory! Again, at home now, I feel like I'm a bit in a daze, finding it hard to just settle down and pray, worship, etc. Am I upset? Am I tired? How long can one worship the Father through music and song. Eventually one can lose interest in both but yet God is still worthy of worship even when I don't feel like it. How am I to respond when I am tired? I even saw the Spirit come on people and maybe even heal them and for some reason I don't rejoice, praise God, etc. These are signs and wonders and yet I feel dry — why?
To wrap this up, it wasn't what I thought it would be and God did some good stuff but I'm still in a bit of a down mood. Maybe I need to take some time to connect with God, to get away and be with Him.... Maybe I just need to commit these things to Him and deal with it for this time.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Discerning the "right" course of action
Discerning is not something that I am especially good at. I would like to think I have wisdom and good discernment and that's why I've lived with some interesting people including a compulsive lier and thief, a deadbeat poker player who slept on my couch for over a month, and perhaps some others that it may be best to say we just never really got each other.
So, now I am at a time where I feel not very satisfied with my decision to pursue a masters, mostly because a few friends question whether it was really God's will for me to do it. I thought it was and now I wonder if I want to be a pastor (this has been a reoccurring theme btw) and not a planner. Quite simply, a friend pointed out to me today, there are a lot of starving pastors and few actually get to do it for their full time job. Realizing this, I feel more comfortable in pursuing a direction that God can call me out of whenever he wants to. Maybe this is a bad perspective but I have few other options. Grad school is my choice because I want a good job so I can be productive and I don't think there's much wrong with that. I realize I won't find satisfaction there, I won't find security there, I won't find salvation there and as long as my job does not become my god, I should be O.K.
On to other matters though — I want some things at this point in my life:
— First, I want to be free of sexual sin. I think the vast majority struggle with it and I need God to continue to give me a heart after him, the strength to fight urges and the desire to be righteous in this area of my life.
— Second, I want to be in community with people who will watch my back, who will be Jesus to me when I need it, who will help me fight the good fight.
— Third, I want to have chances to use my gifts in leadership and to develop gifts in teaching and communicating the Gospel. Help me be more loving and extend more grace.
— Fourth, I want opportunities to mentor and be mentored. I don't know what this looks like and I struggle to find examples but this is something I desire — to have people who can speak into my life and help guide my walk and I desire to do the same for others.
— Fifth, I want to be a part of a real, thriving, vibrant small group that knows why it exists and is actually functional for more of a purpose than simply to build community.
— Sixth and most importantly, I want to draw closer to God than I ever have. I want more of a need to spend time with him, worshiping and praying, reading His Word, etc. My desire is to say yes to Him more in my life.
In response, I'm going to start chasing after these things. When I describe to a friend that my life feels like I'm just waiting on a bed to die in a nursing home — with nothing really asked or expected of me from my group and my friends... I've got to realize something is wrong. It may not be my group but then again I desire relationships where people care who I am, what I struggle with, what I need prayer for. With these desires unsatisfied, it may be that I need to get out of this group. This is a group seemingly without vision or purpose, a group that acts as if prayer, pushing into God, and pushing each other toward Christ to be optional functions. Passion instills passion and right now, I need fellow passionate Believers to live life with. I'm going to challenge my leaders and if I don't get the response I want, I'm moving on.
And describing some of this for a friend, she wondered if I'd start a new group. My response was simply that it is not my goal or desire to further splinter the church. I don't want power or position to pursue my ideals... I just want Biblical community that earnestly strives to seek, worship, and love the Father and do his will here on earth. I guess the difference is that if I can't find that group, I have few qualms about trying to start that group.
As for me, I want to six things above. I also desperately need people who will help me learn what love is and how to love more. I need people who will help push me to learn the Word so that every time I open my mouth it isn't just Eric's sinful, post-modern perspective / opinion spewing fourth. I want to know the Truth, to move by the leading of the Spirit, to preach with power and authority, to love like Jesus loves.
If this is what I want, I've got to go for it. I've got to start communicating this, making moves toward this... and Lord knows that if I am to keep any integrity, it will try to do it within the church. I will respect my leadership and do as they ask no matter how screwed up things seem. I am a member, I am under pastoral leadership and will submit to it until God tells me to go. I realize that God uses imperfect people and imperfect churches to display His spender, glory, and grace because he wants us to know that it is Him and not these people doing the good work. I want to be where I'm called and for now, this is here in this time and place. I will be faithful with what is in front of me. I pray that as God calls me, I will move.
So, now I am at a time where I feel not very satisfied with my decision to pursue a masters, mostly because a few friends question whether it was really God's will for me to do it. I thought it was and now I wonder if I want to be a pastor (this has been a reoccurring theme btw) and not a planner. Quite simply, a friend pointed out to me today, there are a lot of starving pastors and few actually get to do it for their full time job. Realizing this, I feel more comfortable in pursuing a direction that God can call me out of whenever he wants to. Maybe this is a bad perspective but I have few other options. Grad school is my choice because I want a good job so I can be productive and I don't think there's much wrong with that. I realize I won't find satisfaction there, I won't find security there, I won't find salvation there and as long as my job does not become my god, I should be O.K.
On to other matters though — I want some things at this point in my life:
— First, I want to be free of sexual sin. I think the vast majority struggle with it and I need God to continue to give me a heart after him, the strength to fight urges and the desire to be righteous in this area of my life.
— Second, I want to be in community with people who will watch my back, who will be Jesus to me when I need it, who will help me fight the good fight.
— Third, I want to have chances to use my gifts in leadership and to develop gifts in teaching and communicating the Gospel. Help me be more loving and extend more grace.
— Fourth, I want opportunities to mentor and be mentored. I don't know what this looks like and I struggle to find examples but this is something I desire — to have people who can speak into my life and help guide my walk and I desire to do the same for others.
— Fifth, I want to be a part of a real, thriving, vibrant small group that knows why it exists and is actually functional for more of a purpose than simply to build community.
— Sixth and most importantly, I want to draw closer to God than I ever have. I want more of a need to spend time with him, worshiping and praying, reading His Word, etc. My desire is to say yes to Him more in my life.
In response, I'm going to start chasing after these things. When I describe to a friend that my life feels like I'm just waiting on a bed to die in a nursing home — with nothing really asked or expected of me from my group and my friends... I've got to realize something is wrong. It may not be my group but then again I desire relationships where people care who I am, what I struggle with, what I need prayer for. With these desires unsatisfied, it may be that I need to get out of this group. This is a group seemingly without vision or purpose, a group that acts as if prayer, pushing into God, and pushing each other toward Christ to be optional functions. Passion instills passion and right now, I need fellow passionate Believers to live life with. I'm going to challenge my leaders and if I don't get the response I want, I'm moving on.
And describing some of this for a friend, she wondered if I'd start a new group. My response was simply that it is not my goal or desire to further splinter the church. I don't want power or position to pursue my ideals... I just want Biblical community that earnestly strives to seek, worship, and love the Father and do his will here on earth. I guess the difference is that if I can't find that group, I have few qualms about trying to start that group.
As for me, I want to six things above. I also desperately need people who will help me learn what love is and how to love more. I need people who will help push me to learn the Word so that every time I open my mouth it isn't just Eric's sinful, post-modern perspective / opinion spewing fourth. I want to know the Truth, to move by the leading of the Spirit, to preach with power and authority, to love like Jesus loves.
If this is what I want, I've got to go for it. I've got to start communicating this, making moves toward this... and Lord knows that if I am to keep any integrity, it will try to do it within the church. I will respect my leadership and do as they ask no matter how screwed up things seem. I am a member, I am under pastoral leadership and will submit to it until God tells me to go. I realize that God uses imperfect people and imperfect churches to display His spender, glory, and grace because he wants us to know that it is Him and not these people doing the good work. I want to be where I'm called and for now, this is here in this time and place. I will be faithful with what is in front of me. I pray that as God calls me, I will move.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Five Months Later, on the path
I had told my self that I wouldn't blog for a while. Not because blogging is bad or anything but that one can spend too much time doing it and that it may be just a distraction from the real world. I still think this but I'm lonely this hot Friday night in July and just after eating, why not reflect on what's going on in my life. Some friends read this or may if I prompt with an email explaining a post is up that explains what's up in my life, what I'm thinking about today — maybe they'll read.
— —— —— —— —
First, I didn't switch churches and found a new small group. Some of the older posts may eventually be hidden because they either aren't relevant or say inflammatory things that I'm not sure I support anymore. The best thing I can say about this is that I think I have relied to heavily on post modernity to provide a basis for opinions and this is at expense of the Gospel that is more than sufficient than anything I could try to spout off. In the end, my words are just simply opinions and are meaningless unless God speaks through them. In my estimation, some posts just don't smell right if you know what I mean and they may go. If you read further back, please know this.
Secondly, I'm in a different place now — starting to have my quarter life crisis as I'm looking for my first non-campus apartment with someone who may or may not be going to live with me. At this time I'm trying to figure out who my friends are when more people are graduating, moving away and those I do know are sometimes distant or too busy to be friends. Also, I though I found a small group but at this point, I think I may be looking for another so yeah. One week to Breathe 08 and, well, it's time to spend time with God and let him give me a name, let him figure out my madness.
While cleaning my room, in preparation for that move where I've got no clue where I'm going, I found a letter from a brother of mine — Wes. As Wes was admonished, I think I will take time to do the same soon. In the mean time, can I say that I am incredibly thankful for my friendship with Wes and also Dan, Dustin, Blake, RH, Mike Sch., Eric A., Brandon, Michael, and Patrick M. These brothers in Christ help me understand things that I have trouble with and most importantly, I believe they love me as a brother and I know that several will be there for me when I need a brother to intervene. I also want to thank my other friends including Ben who has more patience for me than most Christians and my fellow CRPers who help me cut loose every once in a while. There are others but there are only so many ASCII characters to express one's feelings. I hope to write letters to some of these people and I hope they will be encouraging.
For the rest, this is a general letter explaining what's up in my life. If you want to know more, come talk to me rather than stalking my internet blog.
— —— —— —— —
God is Good. Things can suck but I know that the Lord is good to all who call on his name and this is the same for me. And to help make the most of next weekend at Breathe, I'm going to try to take some time to get away and really draw close to God this next week. At this time in my life, it is so important to know who I am in Christ and this has been echoed by several in my life and I need to take the time so I will do so next week and I pray that God shows up!
At this point, I'm unemployed and waiting for interviews for internships that I may not get. I'm about one half to two thirds through a masters degree in something I'm not sure I really want to do for the rest of my life. I think I'm starting to realize that God may be placing calls on my life and I guess I'm not sure when and what they will entail. Does this mean I should drop out, does this mean I should study something else. What does this all mean? At about $7,000 a quarter, it is expensive to keep going unless I'll work long enough to pay off these loans — maybe 5 to 8 years if I live a very simple life and get a fair salary. Of course in this economy, getting a job may be the real battle.
I enjoy planning (my masters degree). Going to Mississippi to help a county prepare a physical plan for a beach was a fun and rewarding task. Future projects I hope to work on appear to be good uses of my time as well. I can see myself working for a city helping to plan for development, neighborhoods, and maybe feeling good about what I do. Lots of things interest me so I'm sure that I'd find my niche. The problem is that I also want to be involved at the church.
To be involved is maybe an understatement. I have a desire to be used by God for whatever he's calling me toward. For now, this is blurry, but I think church planting is something he's giving me a passion for. Also, he's giving me a passion for the church as a whole and for the lost — trying to understand God, theology, culture, philosophy, and so much more. In the mean time, I want to use my gifts and do what God is calling me to do now — which I think is finish my degree and try to dig in a lot deeper regarding some personal issues and maybe get a chance to use those gifts he's giving me.
Regardless of all of this, I know God loves me and that he's being patient with me and I am thankful for this. I know that righteousness is something God is calling me to fight for right now and this is hard! I fail at times but it's more of a priority, seeking to live rightly as a follower of Jesus. This doesn't mean moralism, it means learning how to live as a follower of Jesus, walking in his ways and in his Grace.
To this end, I'm looking for mentorship and discipleship and I hope to be able to mentor and/or disciple others and use my other gifts to build up the church. I'm also looking for people who can help me figure out the Gospel beyond what seems to be dry, dogmatic and offensive theology. I know the Gospel is offensive but God calls us to love and I know to share the Gospel is a part of that. I want to share that message in a way that communicates love and makes sense. Maybe a good place to start is what Jesus' has done in my life, but I also know that things like the Word, Orthodoxy and Theology are so very important yet some of these are they very things that turn friends off to Jesus. They are things that give me peace and reassurance yet point to a singular truth that is opposed by post modernists. Maybe this is why Paul says he "suffers" for the Gospel, why he begs people to consider it.
Away from this for a few minutes, at this time in my life I'm going to take more of an interest in trying to seek what I want — a closer relationship with Jesus, close relationships, vibrant community, friends, opportunities to use gifts as well as mentor and be mentored. Most importantly to know who I am in Christ and to be a better follower — one who goes where he is led. Other things may seem daunting but Christ will provide and if it is God's will, I will be able to do everything he is calling me to do. I pray and hope that his Will will be my own and that I will be faithful.
As for my dreams and the kinds of things I think Christ may be putting on me, I want to see Christians of my age and generation awake and be alive in Christ. I pray that many would come to know Him and that they would not languish in the Church but that they'd be alive in Christ and respond to the calls he will place on their lives. I pray the lost would be found, the hurt would be healed, the disbelieving would fall at the foot of the cross. I pray faith would be something this generation talks about and that our world would be changed because of it. I pray that many would come to know Jesus and that regeneration and revival would fill the earth. In the midst of this, it's my prayer that Jesus will use me to bring His Kingdom! It is my prayer that Jesus will use me to help wake his Church.
For now, this is the path I'm on but Lord, I will continue to seek you out and pursue you — even if my dreams must die to realize your more perfect and awesome dreams for my life. It's just hard to keep doing what I'm doing in school if this is my destiny. For all I know, I could die tomorrow or in just a few years and may miss my calling (despite the fact that my days are numbered and that Christ knows my calling). So why am I wasting my time on my "Plan B" if this isn't what I really want to do? Yes, this is a good question and I only wish I knew the answer God was giving me on this.
— —— —— —— —
First, I didn't switch churches and found a new small group. Some of the older posts may eventually be hidden because they either aren't relevant or say inflammatory things that I'm not sure I support anymore. The best thing I can say about this is that I think I have relied to heavily on post modernity to provide a basis for opinions and this is at expense of the Gospel that is more than sufficient than anything I could try to spout off. In the end, my words are just simply opinions and are meaningless unless God speaks through them. In my estimation, some posts just don't smell right if you know what I mean and they may go. If you read further back, please know this.
Secondly, I'm in a different place now — starting to have my quarter life crisis as I'm looking for my first non-campus apartment with someone who may or may not be going to live with me. At this time I'm trying to figure out who my friends are when more people are graduating, moving away and those I do know are sometimes distant or too busy to be friends. Also, I though I found a small group but at this point, I think I may be looking for another so yeah. One week to Breathe 08 and, well, it's time to spend time with God and let him give me a name, let him figure out my madness.
While cleaning my room, in preparation for that move where I've got no clue where I'm going, I found a letter from a brother of mine — Wes. As Wes was admonished, I think I will take time to do the same soon. In the mean time, can I say that I am incredibly thankful for my friendship with Wes and also Dan, Dustin, Blake, RH, Mike Sch., Eric A., Brandon, Michael, and Patrick M. These brothers in Christ help me understand things that I have trouble with and most importantly, I believe they love me as a brother and I know that several will be there for me when I need a brother to intervene. I also want to thank my other friends including Ben who has more patience for me than most Christians and my fellow CRPers who help me cut loose every once in a while. There are others but there are only so many ASCII characters to express one's feelings. I hope to write letters to some of these people and I hope they will be encouraging.
For the rest, this is a general letter explaining what's up in my life. If you want to know more, come talk to me rather than stalking my internet blog.
— —— —— —— —
God is Good. Things can suck but I know that the Lord is good to all who call on his name and this is the same for me. And to help make the most of next weekend at Breathe, I'm going to try to take some time to get away and really draw close to God this next week. At this time in my life, it is so important to know who I am in Christ and this has been echoed by several in my life and I need to take the time so I will do so next week and I pray that God shows up!
At this point, I'm unemployed and waiting for interviews for internships that I may not get. I'm about one half to two thirds through a masters degree in something I'm not sure I really want to do for the rest of my life. I think I'm starting to realize that God may be placing calls on my life and I guess I'm not sure when and what they will entail. Does this mean I should drop out, does this mean I should study something else. What does this all mean? At about $7,000 a quarter, it is expensive to keep going unless I'll work long enough to pay off these loans — maybe 5 to 8 years if I live a very simple life and get a fair salary. Of course in this economy, getting a job may be the real battle.
I enjoy planning (my masters degree). Going to Mississippi to help a county prepare a physical plan for a beach was a fun and rewarding task. Future projects I hope to work on appear to be good uses of my time as well. I can see myself working for a city helping to plan for development, neighborhoods, and maybe feeling good about what I do. Lots of things interest me so I'm sure that I'd find my niche. The problem is that I also want to be involved at the church.
To be involved is maybe an understatement. I have a desire to be used by God for whatever he's calling me toward. For now, this is blurry, but I think church planting is something he's giving me a passion for. Also, he's giving me a passion for the church as a whole and for the lost — trying to understand God, theology, culture, philosophy, and so much more. In the mean time, I want to use my gifts and do what God is calling me to do now — which I think is finish my degree and try to dig in a lot deeper regarding some personal issues and maybe get a chance to use those gifts he's giving me.
Regardless of all of this, I know God loves me and that he's being patient with me and I am thankful for this. I know that righteousness is something God is calling me to fight for right now and this is hard! I fail at times but it's more of a priority, seeking to live rightly as a follower of Jesus. This doesn't mean moralism, it means learning how to live as a follower of Jesus, walking in his ways and in his Grace.
To this end, I'm looking for mentorship and discipleship and I hope to be able to mentor and/or disciple others and use my other gifts to build up the church. I'm also looking for people who can help me figure out the Gospel beyond what seems to be dry, dogmatic and offensive theology. I know the Gospel is offensive but God calls us to love and I know to share the Gospel is a part of that. I want to share that message in a way that communicates love and makes sense. Maybe a good place to start is what Jesus' has done in my life, but I also know that things like the Word, Orthodoxy and Theology are so very important yet some of these are they very things that turn friends off to Jesus. They are things that give me peace and reassurance yet point to a singular truth that is opposed by post modernists. Maybe this is why Paul says he "suffers" for the Gospel, why he begs people to consider it.
Away from this for a few minutes, at this time in my life I'm going to take more of an interest in trying to seek what I want — a closer relationship with Jesus, close relationships, vibrant community, friends, opportunities to use gifts as well as mentor and be mentored. Most importantly to know who I am in Christ and to be a better follower — one who goes where he is led. Other things may seem daunting but Christ will provide and if it is God's will, I will be able to do everything he is calling me to do. I pray and hope that his Will will be my own and that I will be faithful.
As for my dreams and the kinds of things I think Christ may be putting on me, I want to see Christians of my age and generation awake and be alive in Christ. I pray that many would come to know Him and that they would not languish in the Church but that they'd be alive in Christ and respond to the calls he will place on their lives. I pray the lost would be found, the hurt would be healed, the disbelieving would fall at the foot of the cross. I pray faith would be something this generation talks about and that our world would be changed because of it. I pray that many would come to know Jesus and that regeneration and revival would fill the earth. In the midst of this, it's my prayer that Jesus will use me to bring His Kingdom! It is my prayer that Jesus will use me to help wake his Church.
For now, this is the path I'm on but Lord, I will continue to seek you out and pursue you — even if my dreams must die to realize your more perfect and awesome dreams for my life. It's just hard to keep doing what I'm doing in school if this is my destiny. For all I know, I could die tomorrow or in just a few years and may miss my calling (despite the fact that my days are numbered and that Christ knows my calling). So why am I wasting my time on my "Plan B" if this isn't what I really want to do? Yes, this is a good question and I only wish I knew the answer God was giving me on this.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
One can't relive the past!
ON THE LAST POST:
I really should stop fixating on what could be because it distracts me from where God may be leading me to go (or perhaps stay). This is all a mute point until I have the meeting with the pastor and until I feel as if God is actually leading me to start over at this church — something that would be quite hard for me as I have about a year to a year and a half before I graduate and potentially move away.
I can't relive the years that I lost when I left my former church. If I'd remember things at least a year ago, I loved my current church and life was really good. Perhaps things go up and down but we must persevere in spite of such disruptions because God will help us through trials. This phase in my life is nothing more or less than a large trial in my life — even if it encompasses the fact that I have to interface with an imperfect church. Yes, even this is a trial that one would need to overcome with the help of God rather than to simply just pick-up and move every time something bad happens. At 24, I should know this.
Though I can't relive the past, this new phase in my life (regardless of what community I am a part of) will require that I really learn how to trust God, live my life by His leading, and rely on him to provide my peace and joy. It's time to take my hands off the wheel and allow God to steer my life in the direction he wants to lead me. If that doesn't involve leading a group or switching churches, praise be to the Father for such details are insignificant compared to the greatness of the one we follow.
Certainly if I can trust such a God with my past and present, I can trust him with my future! I have a whole lifetime to lead groups and start churches — why rush what God has planned in his good timing?
I really should stop fixating on what could be because it distracts me from where God may be leading me to go (or perhaps stay). This is all a mute point until I have the meeting with the pastor and until I feel as if God is actually leading me to start over at this church — something that would be quite hard for me as I have about a year to a year and a half before I graduate and potentially move away.
I can't relive the years that I lost when I left my former church. If I'd remember things at least a year ago, I loved my current church and life was really good. Perhaps things go up and down but we must persevere in spite of such disruptions because God will help us through trials. This phase in my life is nothing more or less than a large trial in my life — even if it encompasses the fact that I have to interface with an imperfect church. Yes, even this is a trial that one would need to overcome with the help of God rather than to simply just pick-up and move every time something bad happens. At 24, I should know this.
Though I can't relive the past, this new phase in my life (regardless of what community I am a part of) will require that I really learn how to trust God, live my life by His leading, and rely on him to provide my peace and joy. It's time to take my hands off the wheel and allow God to steer my life in the direction he wants to lead me. If that doesn't involve leading a group or switching churches, praise be to the Father for such details are insignificant compared to the greatness of the one we follow.
Certainly if I can trust such a God with my past and present, I can trust him with my future! I have a whole lifetime to lead groups and start churches — why rush what God has planned in his good timing?
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Can I tell you that I am excited?
As much as I can be excited at this point in time, I am.
Tonight, into the night, I'm working on a new t-shirt design — this time on a hoodie. The design, "hope is rooted in faith" should be ready by early next week. More exciting than this, are my friends at New Life Church in Ann Arbor, Michigan. For those who don't know, they're sending a church plant to Ohio State in June to start a service in September to reach out to students.
I listen to messages and the more and more I listen, the more and more they sound like they have been Vineyard-ized! I'm a excited because I've never heard of or seen a GCM church that has embraced charismaticism or Kingdom theology like these people have and I am excited about this!
Why? Because I believe that with the Power of the Spirit, God will lead them to start a revival at Ohio State and I want to be a part of it. I pray that it would be available to all but I'm most excited because I really hope and want to be part of what they're going to do here!
This is nothing against my church, a Vineyard with many people who are feverishly praying for revival and trying to work to make it happen. My church is a good church but in this time I don't necessarily feel needed or wanted as someone trying to help bring about what's going on here. They've got their people and they will be used by God to do something awesome as well... but my hope and prayer is that I will be able to co-labor with my best friend Dan and we'll be able to see a multitude come to the Lord and be empowered by God!
I know that I have reasons for searching for something other than what seems to be the dead grass on my side of the fence but there is something romantic about this, something good about this and I think I want to be a part of it. I don't know if they want me to be a part of them but I think I want to be apart of it.
Why? Because I get to serve with my friend, under leaders who want to support me and see me grow. Because I'll get to get my hands dirty again, trying to help make things happen and blessing others lives. Because I'll have plenty of people to get to know and be friends with, people who I pray will want to be my friend. Because I'll be in contact with people who will help push me on toward the higher goal. In my lethargy, I want a challenge, I want people who will help me see God in my life, I need to experience the real God in a real way — I pray that this can be!
Tonight, into the night, I'm working on a new t-shirt design — this time on a hoodie. The design, "hope is rooted in faith" should be ready by early next week. More exciting than this, are my friends at New Life Church in Ann Arbor, Michigan. For those who don't know, they're sending a church plant to Ohio State in June to start a service in September to reach out to students.
I listen to messages and the more and more I listen, the more and more they sound like they have been Vineyard-ized! I'm a excited because I've never heard of or seen a GCM church that has embraced charismaticism or Kingdom theology like these people have and I am excited about this!
Why? Because I believe that with the Power of the Spirit, God will lead them to start a revival at Ohio State and I want to be a part of it. I pray that it would be available to all but I'm most excited because I really hope and want to be part of what they're going to do here!
This is nothing against my church, a Vineyard with many people who are feverishly praying for revival and trying to work to make it happen. My church is a good church but in this time I don't necessarily feel needed or wanted as someone trying to help bring about what's going on here. They've got their people and they will be used by God to do something awesome as well... but my hope and prayer is that I will be able to co-labor with my best friend Dan and we'll be able to see a multitude come to the Lord and be empowered by God!
I know that I have reasons for searching for something other than what seems to be the dead grass on my side of the fence but there is something romantic about this, something good about this and I think I want to be a part of it. I don't know if they want me to be a part of them but I think I want to be apart of it.
Why? Because I get to serve with my friend, under leaders who want to support me and see me grow. Because I'll get to get my hands dirty again, trying to help make things happen and blessing others lives. Because I'll have plenty of people to get to know and be friends with, people who I pray will want to be my friend. Because I'll be in contact with people who will help push me on toward the higher goal. In my lethargy, I want a challenge, I want people who will help me see God in my life, I need to experience the real God in a real way — I pray that this can be!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Who am I?
I don't really know who I am. I don't.
I don't know what I need, what I want, who I am friends with, what I like, what I hate.... Things are messed up and like a guy in a snow globe, how do you tell what way is up? I read the things I write and they either don't make sense or don't seem to really apply. I think "how could I think that," "how could I say that," etc. Crazy....
A friend says I need to read a book — "A testament of devotion" by Thomas Kelly and after he read some of it to me, I agree. At this point, I question whether I've really tasted the fruit of the faith and personal relationship and connection with Jesus. Certainly there have been moments but the kinds of lifestyle explained in this book and by friends, pastors and others I know - the more they talk, the less I feel like I have a close and tight relationship with Jesus.
People tell me to pray and listen for an answer, listen for the voice of God. I've heard it before but I've never lived my life by its direction and I'm not sure that I know how one does this to be honest. I need to be humble here - I need God.
There's a temptation to say that I need mentoring and teaching and community and other things but the truth is that I need God. This seems simple but how often do we (I) get bogged down and complain about how this isn't right or that isn't right or that it's just not good enough.... For me, it's all the time..... There's nothing more valuable than God and yet every way I live my (as I can tell) seems to reflect that I really don't understand this and that I haven't achieved this. A close, tight and personal relationship with Jesus appears to be an illusive thing that I chase because I want it to be true. I have hope and faith that it is all true but at the same time, I clinch things that are not of Jesus - idols everywhere!
At this time in my life, I need to stop worrying about where I'm going and what I'm doing and who I'm talking to, etc.... I need to start spending more time with God, with Jesus and discover what it means to live a life directed and empowered by God. This is what I'll really need if I'm going to overcome the things I have trouble with, overcome lust and depression, overcome co-dependency and loneliness, overcome the worship of idols and the addictions that entraps me. What I need is Jesus - pure and simple.
I don't know what I need, what I want, who I am friends with, what I like, what I hate.... Things are messed up and like a guy in a snow globe, how do you tell what way is up? I read the things I write and they either don't make sense or don't seem to really apply. I think "how could I think that," "how could I say that," etc. Crazy....
A friend says I need to read a book — "A testament of devotion" by Thomas Kelly and after he read some of it to me, I agree. At this point, I question whether I've really tasted the fruit of the faith and personal relationship and connection with Jesus. Certainly there have been moments but the kinds of lifestyle explained in this book and by friends, pastors and others I know - the more they talk, the less I feel like I have a close and tight relationship with Jesus.
People tell me to pray and listen for an answer, listen for the voice of God. I've heard it before but I've never lived my life by its direction and I'm not sure that I know how one does this to be honest. I need to be humble here - I need God.
There's a temptation to say that I need mentoring and teaching and community and other things but the truth is that I need God. This seems simple but how often do we (I) get bogged down and complain about how this isn't right or that isn't right or that it's just not good enough.... For me, it's all the time..... There's nothing more valuable than God and yet every way I live my (as I can tell) seems to reflect that I really don't understand this and that I haven't achieved this. A close, tight and personal relationship with Jesus appears to be an illusive thing that I chase because I want it to be true. I have hope and faith that it is all true but at the same time, I clinch things that are not of Jesus - idols everywhere!
At this time in my life, I need to stop worrying about where I'm going and what I'm doing and who I'm talking to, etc.... I need to start spending more time with God, with Jesus and discover what it means to live a life directed and empowered by God. This is what I'll really need if I'm going to overcome the things I have trouble with, overcome lust and depression, overcome co-dependency and loneliness, overcome the worship of idols and the addictions that entraps me. What I need is Jesus - pure and simple.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Planning or Pastoring?
Is planning for me?
I find it interesting but in the midst of studying for my planning law midterm, I have to stop and think for a few minutes. This is all very interesting, very important and I could go into great detail but the issue is the same as it is with most every job, career, etc. Even if we manage to do great things in the name of this world, the result will still be the same - at the end of the ages it will all burn. Everything in this world is meaningless!
In contrast, the things that matter are the concerns of God - helping the suffering, the lost, the least, the lonely, the maimed, the widows and orphans, etc. Their plight is a foreshadowing of the end of the time. This world will eventually die, we will die. There is one way out of this and it is the thing of most significance. It is the miracle of salvation, accessible to all through faith in Jesus Christ! knowing this truth, shouldn't I do everything I can to advance the Gospel? Maybe planning is how God will use me to do this but I long for more... (below)
Of course, if I placed all of my stock into my study or my career, certainly people could be helped and certainly plight could be improved all things working out to the best. The more I study planning, the more seldom this seems to happen but who knows, maybe something I will do will really help people. Think of the impact of one of the earliest planners - Joseph. After prophetically hearing from God of a coming famine, he planned to have the country increase production and store it so that the country (and region) would survive seven years of drought and famine! Certainly this was important!
In today's capitalistic society with occupational specialization of the workforce, (training us to be machines and experts, etc.) there is seemingly little room for people like me with a variety of interests, let alone a dualism. The problem (if it really is a problem) is that I think it's safe to say that I'd rather be a pastor than a planner if the following things could be true:
1. I'd be certain that I could pay off my debt and make a living being a pastor... or otherwise being a pastor and have a career on the side (if this is possible in our society). This boils down to a fear of a lack of God's provision.
2. I'd be able to trust that if I got education in this field, I'd be able to use it. This is a fear that I'd be wasting time if I wasn't to use the education I'd be paying for and spending time on.
3. That I would be permanently rejected as a pastor (or believer) because of something I'd do, say, think, etc. This is a fear of rejection.
Does this lead me to drop out of school? No, but it's hard to consider the effect of being in school forever because I feel like I should live each day as if it's my last and that Jesus is coming.... If I really believed this, I'd live my life very differently but just because I don't live my life differently doesn't mean that I shouldn't. The point being that I have to keep Jesus central in my life - no career, education, person, relationship, wife, parent, friend, government, or anything else should come between me and God. Additionally and most importantly, no idol, no demon, no power on heaven or on earth can or should separate me from God! Regardless of my career - planner or pastor or anything else, I am a follower of my savior Jesus Christ first and foremost! I can never forget this (or to live like this)!
The laborers are always going to be few and there are always going to be planning problems to solve - the micro-econ phrases come back to me... "we live in an environment of scarcity." The question becomes do I become a laborer to help advance solid planning and help people for the time being or do I work to be a laborer for the Gospel, become a fisher of men and work to help people seek and find their Father and worship him for Eternity! Certainly I can help share Jesus with people where ever I work but there is something going on in the church these days that requires God to move and requires people who want to be used by God to help make it all happen.
This is the age of broken city walls, an age where God is calling Nehemiahs to rebuild the temple, rebuild the church and help stymie the rise of a Godless Western Civilization. If America become post-Christian, many will suffer, many will die. If there's any greater cause to help end the reign of tyranny and evil that is materialism and secular humanism as it enslaves people to a hopeless existence, I don't know it yet. Someone must carry the banner high, someone must persevere, we need pastors and men of God and I want to be one of those people - with or without the call to explicitly be a pastor.
I've had dreams about being persecuted and going to prison for my faith and my role in actively spreading it - in being a paul. There's a peace about this because I know that in whatever suffering I experience, Christ will be with me, even in prison God forbid. Certainly if I would be willing to go to prison, I'd be willing to live in poverty? in debt? in the realization that God loves me for who I am - my life is an open book to him and he will help me in my current and future plight. Any rejection will be met by a Father with his arms open to me — I've got to believe all of these truths and be comfortable in the nature of the God I love and follow. We believe in a Good God! He will provide provision for those who he has called, we must have faith!
I find it interesting but in the midst of studying for my planning law midterm, I have to stop and think for a few minutes. This is all very interesting, very important and I could go into great detail but the issue is the same as it is with most every job, career, etc. Even if we manage to do great things in the name of this world, the result will still be the same - at the end of the ages it will all burn. Everything in this world is meaningless!
In contrast, the things that matter are the concerns of God - helping the suffering, the lost, the least, the lonely, the maimed, the widows and orphans, etc. Their plight is a foreshadowing of the end of the time. This world will eventually die, we will die. There is one way out of this and it is the thing of most significance. It is the miracle of salvation, accessible to all through faith in Jesus Christ! knowing this truth, shouldn't I do everything I can to advance the Gospel? Maybe planning is how God will use me to do this but I long for more... (below)
Of course, if I placed all of my stock into my study or my career, certainly people could be helped and certainly plight could be improved all things working out to the best. The more I study planning, the more seldom this seems to happen but who knows, maybe something I will do will really help people. Think of the impact of one of the earliest planners - Joseph. After prophetically hearing from God of a coming famine, he planned to have the country increase production and store it so that the country (and region) would survive seven years of drought and famine! Certainly this was important!
In today's capitalistic society with occupational specialization of the workforce, (training us to be machines and experts, etc.) there is seemingly little room for people like me with a variety of interests, let alone a dualism. The problem (if it really is a problem) is that I think it's safe to say that I'd rather be a pastor than a planner if the following things could be true:
1. I'd be certain that I could pay off my debt and make a living being a pastor... or otherwise being a pastor and have a career on the side (if this is possible in our society). This boils down to a fear of a lack of God's provision.
2. I'd be able to trust that if I got education in this field, I'd be able to use it. This is a fear that I'd be wasting time if I wasn't to use the education I'd be paying for and spending time on.
3. That I would be permanently rejected as a pastor (or believer) because of something I'd do, say, think, etc. This is a fear of rejection.
Does this lead me to drop out of school? No, but it's hard to consider the effect of being in school forever because I feel like I should live each day as if it's my last and that Jesus is coming.... If I really believed this, I'd live my life very differently but just because I don't live my life differently doesn't mean that I shouldn't. The point being that I have to keep Jesus central in my life - no career, education, person, relationship, wife, parent, friend, government, or anything else should come between me and God. Additionally and most importantly, no idol, no demon, no power on heaven or on earth can or should separate me from God! Regardless of my career - planner or pastor or anything else, I am a follower of my savior Jesus Christ first and foremost! I can never forget this (or to live like this)!
The laborers are always going to be few and there are always going to be planning problems to solve - the micro-econ phrases come back to me... "we live in an environment of scarcity." The question becomes do I become a laborer to help advance solid planning and help people for the time being or do I work to be a laborer for the Gospel, become a fisher of men and work to help people seek and find their Father and worship him for Eternity! Certainly I can help share Jesus with people where ever I work but there is something going on in the church these days that requires God to move and requires people who want to be used by God to help make it all happen.
This is the age of broken city walls, an age where God is calling Nehemiahs to rebuild the temple, rebuild the church and help stymie the rise of a Godless Western Civilization. If America become post-Christian, many will suffer, many will die. If there's any greater cause to help end the reign of tyranny and evil that is materialism and secular humanism as it enslaves people to a hopeless existence, I don't know it yet. Someone must carry the banner high, someone must persevere, we need pastors and men of God and I want to be one of those people - with or without the call to explicitly be a pastor.
I've had dreams about being persecuted and going to prison for my faith and my role in actively spreading it - in being a paul. There's a peace about this because I know that in whatever suffering I experience, Christ will be with me, even in prison God forbid. Certainly if I would be willing to go to prison, I'd be willing to live in poverty? in debt? in the realization that God loves me for who I am - my life is an open book to him and he will help me in my current and future plight. Any rejection will be met by a Father with his arms open to me — I've got to believe all of these truths and be comfortable in the nature of the God I love and follow. We believe in a Good God! He will provide provision for those who he has called, we must have faith!
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