Who am I?

I don't really know who I am. I don't.

I don't know what I need, what I want, who I am friends with, what I like, what I hate.... Things are messed up and like a guy in a snow globe, how do you tell what way is up? I read the things I write and they either don't make sense or don't seem to really apply. I think "how could I think that," "how could I say that," etc. Crazy....

A friend says I need to read a book — "A testament of devotion" by Thomas Kelly and after he read some of it to me, I agree. At this point, I question whether I've really tasted the fruit of the faith and personal relationship and connection with Jesus. Certainly there have been moments but the kinds of lifestyle explained in this book and by friends, pastors and others I know - the more they talk, the less I feel like I have a close and tight relationship with Jesus.

People tell me to pray and listen for an answer, listen for the voice of God. I've heard it before but I've never lived my life by its direction and I'm not sure that I know how one does this to be honest. I need to be humble here - I need God.

There's a temptation to say that I need mentoring and teaching and community and other things but the truth is that I need God. This seems simple but how often do we (I) get bogged down and complain about how this isn't right or that isn't right or that it's just not good enough.... For me, it's all the time..... There's nothing more valuable than God and yet every way I live my (as I can tell) seems to reflect that I really don't understand this and that I haven't achieved this. A close, tight and personal relationship with Jesus appears to be an illusive thing that I chase because I want it to be true. I have hope and faith that it is all true but at the same time, I clinch things that are not of Jesus - idols everywhere!

At this time in my life, I need to stop worrying about where I'm going and what I'm doing and who I'm talking to, etc.... I need to start spending more time with God, with Jesus and discover what it means to live a life directed and empowered by God. This is what I'll really need if I'm going to overcome the things I have trouble with, overcome lust and depression, overcome co-dependency and loneliness, overcome the worship of idols and the addictions that entraps me. What I need is Jesus - pure and simple.