The fickle heart

I wish I could say that my heart was forever true, forever loyal, forever seeking out the heart of God but I can't. I am an adulterous believer and certainly one who needs the Grace of a Father who loves me like nothing else in the world.

But how do we respond when we realize we've been living in a period of sin and emotional rejection of the Father? First, repent! Second, ask the Father to change your heart and help us be conformed to Jesus!

I know we all struggle with this but putting my struggle into words, it's like I'm fighting my very sense of self because the sin and the desires of the flesh seem to be the entirety of my existence when I am not close to God. The enemy uses all that is bad that I love and uses it to slip a wedge between me and God and I've got to realize this more and be unrelenting in my desire to be connected back to the Father — to trust Him, to seek Him, to live by Him.

Repeatedly crawling back to the Father seems to be a faux pas in the Christian world (that believes you are to have your life together always) but in reality, it is one of the things that separates us from the rest of the world. We are to live our lives by Christ and as he instructed, we must repent and turn toward the Father. Faith and the Christian life is hard, messy, and sometimes an emotionally difficult and sometimes even a sad venture but it is the only way to find and experience true life. Such is the life of someone who endures dying to one's self in order to find life in Christ. The answer is to be humble and submitted to Christ and count every blessing as a gift of God, Salvation being the most amazing and life-filled gift you could ever receive! When I figure out how to do this completely, I'll share the secret with the World!

Notice:

Like Paul, I am not ashamed of the Gospel. Where Jesus will lead, he will only know. In response to his call, I will go, I will say "yes" to him, his call on my life — whatever it shall be. If he calls me, I will leave my fishing nets, my computer and my degree and I will follow after him. I died to this world so that I may find life in Christ, to be completed upon my final breath.

This time is now stoppage time and I will fight still harder to serve my master and help our team to win the game. I know not when the ref will blow his whistle but I will not stop serving my master until I hear that sound, "child come home."

I am not ashamed of the Gospel, the Gospel that gives me life. Without I am damned to death now and death in an existence without God where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. I am a sinner and this is what I deserve for failing to uphold either the Law of which I know about or even the law as it was written on my conscious. Jesus invited me to die to sin and this world and I have. In Jesus, the source of true life, I find refuge and I find a reason to live, to love, to fight for the oppressed and the lonely. In Jesus I find the reason to life its self and no one shall take this away from me. My destiny is hid with Christ Jesus and I am forever thankful.



Romans 8:

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:

"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Need for Jesus

Can I just say that it's cool to know that people from India and Brazil (or Portugal) are reading my blog. Maybe it's isolated and maybe these are people who know me somehow but I still think that's really cool.

GIFT OF PROBLEM SOLVING?
I'll also comment about the last blog. I am a problem solver, this is one of the things God has blessed me with, and I am really interested in planning. I love figuring out how to fix things, all things including broken laptops, highway congestion, wasted energy, etc. It's a blessing and I am thankful for it. I write this explanation because I'm sure people may wonder why I'm writing about such things.

RECONCILIATION OF CREATION AND HOW I FIT INTO THIS
My pastor, Rich Nathan, talked about how he believed that Jesus didn't just come to reconcile man to God but to reconcile Creation to God (of which includes mankind) and I think this is true. Christ is the one who does this but I believe he has called Christians to help him achieve this task in whatever capacity we can and in this vein, if I can help house homeless people, feed hungry people, and improve the quality of life for those who are suffering or even just normal people, that's awesome. If that's as a planner, that will be a pretty cool thing, to be able to be used by God to bless people like that.

I do wish to point out that I don't believe all of the power to change things is in our hands. Planners want to think that they can change four or more things and thus fix the world or a large problem in it. Certainly planners can help the situation by illuminating problems and recommending action but our ability to help is limited by our knowledge of the situation, position to implement change and power to make it work. In other words, we're not God. Don't be deceived — mankind, including planners and many other pompously prideful professions (like medical doctors), are weak and by definition lack the knowledge and power to fix all (or even some) of the world's problems. Man is weak and must depend upon God, namely Jesus, for strength.

Certainly under the concept of universal goodwill (e.g. both the sun shines and the rain pours on those who believe and those who don't, etc.) of God we can achieve somethings but we must recognize at the beginning of the day, not at the end, that "every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights..." - James 1:17. If real change is going to come, it will be initiated and empowered by Jesus.

TANGENT ON NAZISM, WWII, AND THE ANSWER TO TYRANNY
This is not where I will say vote republican or democrat. I could care less who you vote for as long as they aren't dictators who believe it's okay to persecute Christians or other groups (of which to my knowledge does not include any of the candidates). On this...

I just watched Louis Malle's Au revoir les enfants and it is stellar. This comes just a month since I finished reading Elle Weisel's Night. The movie (au revoir) is about a children who attend a Catholic boarding school in France during the Nazi occupation of WWII. It's a powerful movie and having Jewish heritage, it's something personally significant to me. I read Night and I watch this movie and I question, is this going to happen to me? Will I be persecuted like the Jews were? Could I be someone who helps starts a government or revolution that ushers in the kind of tyranny that we see from the Nazis. Furthremore, would I have the resolve to follow in Dietrich Bonhoeffer's footsteps and join the resistance even if it means I'll die in a concentration camp next to those who are oppressed? It's hard to understand how WWII happened just over sixty, sixty-five years ago — the world seems to be a much different place now!

The answer to tyranny and the fear of it is Jesus and the perfect love he brings to a world that seems, at least in America, to not want it. I would pray that all would come to know Jesus for who he is and what he has done in our lives but I doubt this will happen in my lifetime, if ever. Similar to Hitler, there will be a man who comes to power and will resolve to break moral and civil authority like no others have before him. He will demand worship as he believes himself to be God and will produce counterfeit miracles, signs and wonders. Many people will worship him as God, even Christians of who many will fall away from the Faith. Rich Nathan says we need to ask ourselves and more importantly ask God "could I be this man?" The only way we stand a chance of staying loyal to God through this is to become a lover of Truth and a lover of God - the father, son, and holy ghost!

FINALLY, ON THE MATTER OF SIN AND THE NEED FOR A SAVIOR
Do you lie, do you lust? Do you hate, do you use the Father's name in vain? Certainly we are all guilty of at least one trespass and as such, we are law breakers (aka sinners). As the penalty and result of sin is death and since we all sin, we all will die for our sins. Please know this - everyone sins, especially the Christian. In an act of love, Jesus died on a cross as an atonement for this sin and this is "The Gospel."

Our sin is atoned for when we place our faith in and follow Jesus. In this, faith in Jesus allows/leads us to die to our sin now, rather than when our bodies die here on the earth. In dying to our sin now, leaving our life of sin and death and turning toward the Father, the Christian embrace the life and eternal destiny that belongs to whose lives are being hid with Jesus Christ. To embrace this life, Jesus begins a process of the transformation of our hearts to make us more like Him. In this, Jesus may heal or help us look past our temporal problems such as sickness, sin habbits, or troubles and this is certainly a great thing but not the most important being that he is first and foremost the ONLY atonement for our sin. This is why he is know as the the Savior.

When we place our faith in him, we are to die to our own lives and to the ways of the world and live as new creations! In this, we must recognize others as new creations as well as Paul says this is what Jesus has done in reconciling the world to himself through his death, 2 Corinthians, chapter 5:

14 For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
16 So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20 We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. 21 God made him who had no sin to be sin[a] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Friday Freedom

Today I upgraded to 10.5 Leopard, finished some work, did some laundry, cleaned up, and wrote this blog. Yes, that's right. I did nothing today and it was great!

What to write about? Yesterday, I was thinking about some of the reasons why people are leaving Ohio. Certainly our state is a nice place - it's cheap, there's fresh food in the summer and some snow in the winter. The people are generally friendly and it's a pretty good place to raise a family - what do people dislike?

Well, as a twentysomething here, I'm thinking about where I'll get a job and though my graduate school degree choice will help me stay in Ohio, I still might not have a choice. In order to stay, we need jobs and you must remember, young people need jobs because they're paying more than ever for college - one of the largest factors working to increase inflation in the US and certainly in Ohio.

ALL WE WANT ARE JOBS AND SOME WALKABLE, SAFE PLACES!
Second, and related to planning, there really aren't a lot of walkable places and young people seem to like dense, walkable places as opposed to the suburbia they grew up in. People ask me, would I ever move back to my hometown, Dayton, Ohio and the answer is always "no" because there are no jobs and it is so alien a place from the wealthy, diverse, and walkable Columbus, Ohio I am familiar with. Columbus is great becasue there is more choice in where you shop, you eat, you find entertainment, and the best part is that you could decide to take it all in on foot or with the help of the bus system. It is civilization and it is ours.

EASTON - SHRINE TO COMMERCE
One of the best (or worst) parts of Columbus is Easton Town Center. Easton is a fake small town made up of top 100 retailers, restaurants, and "Snow Village" like street-scapes, storefronts, public spaces and fountains. I love it and I hate it. It's fun, it's cool, it's different but it is a mall just the same. Easton is the definitive shrine to commerce, patrolled by security and devoid of graffiti. Parking, aided by two 1,000 space parking structures, is difficult during peak times but once you've parked, you can walk throughout the serene landscape and enjoy - even perhaps without buying anything.

THE GREENE - A MINI EASTON
When I heard someone was building a new mall in Dayton, I freaked. There are too many malls in Dayton, why the hell would someone finance more retail in a place like that. Then I heard it was going to be a copy of Easton. Some said no one would like it but it has actually been a great hit from what I've heard and I'm not surprised. It's walkable and it has choices, new choices. Unfortunately, these "choices" are just new and different brands making their way to Dayton from the hundred-plus other markets they've already entered. The reasons why they are successful are that they're different, they're creative, they give people what they want and this is verified by their success and of course, this kills local businesses and ships income to corporate offices in New York, Chicago, and California.

I want to shop at the entrepreneur's business and eat at the local food place - and in Columbus, I can. When I'm in Dayton or other places, it's more difficult. Why? Because good places are really hard to find in Dayton and some of them are either too expensive or down-right horrible and I guess people there can't tell the difference. This gives you a bad rap and makes people like me think you are not living in "civilization." The entrepreneurial spirit is a great thing and we'll need more of it if Ohio is ever going to come back from it's current decline. Creativity and ingenuity is what made our state an industrial powerhouse and now we are in decline. Something must be done and it starts with entrepreneurs and it can't succeed without solid planning from planning professionals.

Planners need to create walkable places that are friendly to entrepreneurs. Do this and there will be jobs, walkable places and Ohio's money will stay in Ohio! Cities need to think outside the (big) box (store model) and consider themselves players in the local marketplace. When companies go out of business and close their doors, the city is left holding the bag and citizens are left with the burden. Governments need to take steps move us back toward a more economically and environmentally sustainable model toward crafting retail experiences. We need downtowns, parks, fountains, plazas, etc. To achieve this, we need lawmakers and we need local government to cooperate or MSA regional governments. Something has to change because no one will want to live in horrible inner-cities ensnared by endless suburbia. How could have our lawmakers allowed this to happen?

Final Tuesday - AU07 IS OVER!

Well, minutes from my last final, I take a few minutes to recap the quarter. I do this to hopefully decompress my mind from all of the stuff rattling around up there.


LIGHT RAIL IN COLUMBUS? - a GIS project

For the past four days, I've spent a combined 30 to 40 hours in a computer lab trying to finish a way to ambitious ArcGIS analysis of where to site a fixed-guideway transit project in Columbus. It was crazy because I was dealing with a parcel map for Franklin County with over 100,000 parcels connected to database file with over 20 attributes and I attempted to spatially join these into a census block map. After I figured out how to do this without crashing the lab PC I was using (which took about 3 or 4 hours), I finally was able to get the simplified map for analysis - this lab was like six in one. The worst part was that it was due last Friday and I just turned it in today! I am so freaking numb from days of starring into a computer monitor.

The project result is the product of really rough research but it basically favored adding transit to dense, cheap and blighted neighborhoods near downtown. This will help them gentrify, be rehabilitated with pockets of large scale, dense redevelopment around station sites. The concept driving the proposal was a desire to increase the efficiency of people moving between office jobs and the entertainment and commerce opportunities downtown. Though a percent of the housing could be subsidized, such a proposal would likely raise the cost of living in Columbus as a whole and further marginalize and isolate the city's poor to neighborhoods that were in decline or are already blighted. This isn't an okay side-effect however, if enough areas are available for redevelopment, banks will probably not drop enough credit into the market to facilitate the massive gentrification effects that could force the displacement of tens of thousands in the city. Phasing may help reduce the sudden jolt on the cost of living, specifically rent, in the areas serviced by the system.

The increase in efficiency and walkability would hopefully reduce the need and cost of automobile ownership, saving people as well as the city, state, and federal government money in maintaining and expanding automobile infrastructure. Housing and transportation usually account for 50% of one's expenses so paying more for housing in an area that is walkable and connected to mass transit may be preferable to some. In most cities, it wouldn't necessarily cost a lot but because Columbus has such a low density, the success of Light Rail, Streetcar, or BRT service would be dependent upon creating pockets of high density residential and commercial activity near station sites — an expensive proposition on top of the $1B investment of the first phase of a Light Rail transit system. But in the tradition of land speculation and speculative development, a possible development for the future of Columbus.

Finals Week and Stoppage Time

LIFE: unscripted
Hey friends, it's Eric and this is the last weekend before Finals Week. I should study today but instead I'm finishing a project that was due yesterday. Why? Because I procrastinate and I have a more clear understanding of what is important in my life. That doesn't mean I follow it but it does mean I understand what is not important and this gives false justification to not get a project done on time. Well, what is done is now done and no sense stressing over it now as the events of yesterday are now recorded into the history of man.

The project, for GIS class, was one where we make up a question and try to use GIS to answer it. I didn't realize how much time this was going to take so I worked a little on the project throughout the week but really started yesterday, when I felt like coming in to work on it. Needing more data, I went downtown to the Tower of Justice to get more data and came back only to find out that the data wouldn't work and then later to find out that we already had the data on our server that no one really told us about. Anyway, I didn't eat lunch and languished away in a lab with noisy people and bad music - yes, bad music. Somehow I survived and left for a birthday party then a going away party and got home last night and went to bed. I know you love the detail of my life - j/k

LIVING LIFE IN STOPPAGE TIME
For those who care, life is okay. I'm breathing and I praise God for it. I'm not really being inspired by the Word, probably because I'm not reading it. Same for spending time with God... and this is because I am still distracted by several key things: 1) An addiction to using technology, 2) porn, and 3) my loneliness.

So where does this leave me? Certainly my life, in fact, isn't much better than it was when I wasn't a Christian. ...Thoughts like why do I try and why do I care run about, doing laps in my mind... and this is now a fundamental problem for the frame of which I try to understand my faith within.

Jesus will eventually change me and be patient and be persistent in seeking the change and seeking Jesus... but this is only part of the Gospel! Certainly it is a big thing that Jesus will reconcile creation (including me) but the biggest part of that is that he answers for the Law on our lives. Concerning the law, I am a sinful creature - destitute and rotten sinner who breaks commandments, who is an idolater, who is a bad steward, who does not take Jesus' death and resurrection seriously. There isn't now and there never has really been a sense of death on my life and so the question should be asked — how will I really value Christ for who he is, the one who saves me from an eternity away from the Father!

This is the question that must be reconciled. I came to the faith with a vague understanding of this and yet as I grow in the faith and fall into sin (or become more conscious of it when it happens), I have to reevaluate what is this faith really about? I was wooed to the father by the hope that he would reconcile me with creation but I had no idea of what that meant. Now, seemingly someone who acknowledges Christ but can't be completely faithful and is not remorseful enough about my transgression is left with this question, what is my faith in?

1) Is my faith in a get out of hell free card that doesn't really exist?
2) Is my faith in a God who will be patient with me abusing his Grace?
3) Is my faith in a Father who is a hard master who expects me to get it or else he will punish me for eternity?
No, I think my faith is in the second example... as the other two are not biblical.

Everyone (but Jesus and God) has made mistakes, has sinned as recorded in the Bible and so do I — so I know I am with good company! Just as many of them were asked, I am asked the same: do I still want to consciously try to screw up or do I want to now make even more of a conscious effort to try to abstain from breaking the law as much as I can with a heart condition that effectively says "sin is abhorrent to the Father and I want to be more like Jesus!"

Sin leads to death and I think I keep forgetting this. Is it any wonder that when I sin, especially deliberately, that it leads to death. Is it any wonder that I feel disconnected and with a heavy sense of malaise over my life. Maybe I'm more aware of it now but I think that just may be a taste of what it's like to be away from the Father and it is uncomfortable. Ultimately sin leads to death, spiritually and often physically in this world. To revel in sin is to revel in death and this causes me less of a pause than it should.

Jesus is the answer to reconciling you of sin that leads to death in the current life, though this won't be completed until you die, and he is the answer death sentence I have been given as a law breaker.



How does one respond (of which includes me)?

1) Take stock of your life and realize you are a law breaker, one who lies and hates and lusts and realize that these things are not pleasing to God. Realize these things, sins, will eventually lead to death.

2) If you're not a Christian, place you faith in Jesus who died on a cross so that those who that those who would die from their sins could find life in him, eternal life with the Father in Heaven. Jesus is the way, truth and light to a dark and dying world.

3) Pray that God would change your heart — help you fall more and more in love with Jesus and the Truth that He is God. Placing your faith in Jesus, your old self and its desires are to die and you are to find life in Jesus, and eagerly submit to His authority, instruction, and Word. From experience, this is difficult but it is worth it because Jesus' "yoke" (a harness animals use to pull things) is lighter than any other, especially considering the weight of sin and the challenge of trying to uphold God's law in our lives without the help of God.

4) Live every day as if you'll die that day - we are living in stoppage time*. With the sense of time fleeing, try to live a Jesus centered life as much as possible. This is easier (possible) when you try to do this as a part of a group of other Christians, i.e. church, as the Christian life has been lived for over 2000 years. Certainly, you'll make mistakes in your life but realize you are following a good God who knows you better than you know yourself (you sin more often than you realize) and yet He will still love you and extend his Grace to those who's destinies are hidden with Christ! Praise Jesus for his Goodness!

*Stoppage Time (soccer): The referee is the official timekeeper for the match, and may make an allowance for time lost through substitutions, injured players requiring attention, or other stoppages. This added time is commonly referred to as stoppage time or injury time, and is at the sole discretion of the referee.


Mighty To Save

Everyone needs compassion / A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me / Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior / The hope of nations

My Savior / He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save / He is Mighty to save
Forever / Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave / Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me / All my fears and failures
Fill my life again / I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in / Now I surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

Why Church Membership?

JESUS HEART NOLA
Friends, I just started a facebook group for trying to get people together for a NOLA trip called "Jesus Heart NOLA: Columbus/OSU missions group" If you're interested, join up or shoot me an email, message on facebook, or comment on this post.


WHY CHURCH MEMBERSHIP?
I think a lot of college students and young people in general struggle with the question of whether or not to join a local church or join the church they attend. As this is a concept that is not necessarily addressed in the scriptures and of which there are a wide variety of opinions, the answer isn't easy.

As described by a leader at my church, church membership helps make a believer more committed and accountable to a local body of believers.

Why is this important? Quintessentially because young people do not like to be bound to any choice, especially a specific church body. Church membership implies that one give up on church shopping for the perfect pastor, service or programming. It means that you settle down, for better or worse with a community and become a part of it, invest, sacrifice, volunteer, submit, and tithe to it.

Being bound to a church body makes it easier for a body of believers to help refine you in that way only community can. We call it "holy sandpaper," this concept that the believers around us, especially through conflict, help us to become more holy by helping to reconcile our hearts to Christ. If we choose to pick up our bags and move on every time a storm comes, how will God use community to help shape us? How will we help bring the Kingdom of God into other people's lives (and our own) if we run every time we aren't satisfied with the church? If the drought is precisely where God increases our faith in Him, how does always seeking that greener grass affect our walk with Christ?

Maybe you found greener grass but watch still, even "seemingly perfect" churches will let you down! The key is realizing our faith is in Jesus, not his church. Though our faith is in Jesus, he calls us to be a part of his Bride, the Church.

WHY THE BRIDE?
Though Jesus' Bride (Church) is made up of imperfect people (like us) and hence the church will make mistakes, God continues to move through imperfect churches and helps them accomplish crazy things that can only be credited to the Father. Just as they (we) make mistakes, will we stay and initiate the process of forgiveness and reconciliation? In your qualms, should you throw out the baby with the bathwater, you naturally loose the baby! Certainly we don't want to lose the baby, but we should also deal with the bathwater correctly as doing so will help us grow as believers. If one is not committed to a congregation of believers, one will probably leave that fellowship, essentially tossing the baby and the bathwater and any possibility of growth.

You may say — "I've got my act together, I don't have issues with anyone and I feel like I'm a mature Christian, why do I need to submit to a community?" Certainly there can be times that God calls you to be alone but these are few and far between. You should not be deceived, faith in the Father is best practiced as a community, as it was in Acts and as people have been recreating for two millennia. I have some questions for you to ponder:
— What do you think has change over the past 2000 years?
— How did Jesus live his life?
— How will you love others and allow yourself to be loved by others if you isolate yourself? How will this help you "love your neighbor" or reach, baptize and disciple the nations without being in relationship with others?
— Furthermore, how will your renegade tendencies affect any future marriage you may enter into?
— Ultimately, if we can't submit to a church body, how will we submit to Jesus?

BOTTOM LINE
I strongly encourage people, regardless of age or position, to join their church or at least make a commitment to a single church, even for a limited period of time. This commitment should read something like For the foreseeable future, as lead by God, I will attend and participate in a worship service, small group, as well as a ministry or area of service and will submit (obey in action and heart condition) to church authorities and I will submit (a.k.a. lovingly commit or give) my time, energy, and money for the service of the Kingdom of God, first through my local church and second through other groups and ministries.

Going to a service at one church, a small group in another, and serving in a third is cool maybe but it negates the point of submitting to a single church and whatever God would choose to teach you and/or have you help others through that experience. If this is what you really REALLY think God is calling you to do right now - that's cool, serve away.

In the absence of a clear Word from God instructing you to split or limit your involvement with a bonafide church, you really shouldn't. Because, there is a reason why God instructs us to do this and it is to help make and mold us/others to be more like Christ as well as to help us reach the lost and help the needy. When we submit (obeying of mind and heart and hence lovingly sacrificing and giving) ourselves to one community, it sets the stage for transformation of our souls. This doesn't mean that if you have extra time, you could not participate/serve in a ministry with another church... but it does require that your first priority is to loving your congregation - short of a word from God to do otherwise. God has placed you in that church with certain gifts to help that church achieve the vision and mission God has set aside for them. When you subtract your heart or yourself from that, you mess with God's plan and this isn't a good place to be in. We want to be in his plan, not running from it. If you've given up hope on your local congregation, recommit! Look for ways you can bless one's current body (especially as they reach outward) and then look for other organizations to serve through.

How do we move toward reconciliation?

The case for reconciliation with my roommates will be a difficult one. Why? Because I hold grudges and I'm judgmental and because recent experience has said that they do not like conflict or know how to properly deal with it.

The past month has been a cold detente - I have avoided them and they have not talked to me. There are reasons for this and I won't go into it here other than to say that we are all at fault. I will say this, there will be a resolution to the conflict and how I act and try to resolve it will have a significant impact on whether or not these people will still be my friends.

... and for a while over the past month, the decision stood that I was not and did not want to be friends with people like these and that I didn't care what happened as long as I got out of the apartment. In my mind, things could not change enough to make me want to stay and there still is doubt that they will change enough for me to want to stay. Whether I stay or leave is another matter though - one that is complicated and filled with questions about costs, inconveniences, and other issues.

DELINEATION OF TWO ISSUES:
At the end of the day, there are two issues here - 1) the people and my relationships with them, and 2) whether or not I'm going to continue living here.

1) LOVING THESE PEOPLE
On first issue, it's clear where I need to stand — like myself, these are imperfect people who loved by God and who need Him to intervene in their lives. That being said, we're all imperfect and will make mistakes and though they may not choose to resolve their errs in a biblically correct way, that doesn't preclude me from trying. This means that I should start talking again and start working stuff out with them as individuals and as a group. The way I act needs to uphold their personal dignity and show that I respect them. In other words, the way I act needs to reflect the love I should have for them. There is room for improvement here and most of it is between me and God.

2) LIVING WITH THESE PEOPLE:
On the second issue, I have to be a steward of myself and my property as well as for these people. On the issue of myself, the most important things to me right now are the pursuit of God, the love and company of friends, the pursuit of academic success, the comfort of home, and my personal happiness. I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that my domicile should be a place where these things can happen but as of now, several functions are interrupted. For my property, it has to be cared for properly by myself and others and some of it has not been and future actions that will damage or destroy should be brought to a stop. For my roomies, I should not enable them in there actions to hurt myself or others. There have been infringements on all of these and to be fair, I have infringed on other people in a similar manor.

What does this say? Well, first of all we all make mistakes and do things that piss off our roomies. Second, some people are more sensitive than others, some other people are also more annoying and more disrespectful than most. I am probably one of those few people who are both and for someone like myself, the question is, where does one draw the line and how does someone decide to move on?

For the Christian, as I am, this is a hard issue. Short of a Word from God on whether or not to move on, I say you approach and try to resolve the issue and if this doesn't work, you move on. I think, if things appear unresolvable, then you have to question whether or not you simply don't have faith that they are resolvable or that you're simply not willing to wait. Regardless, in this resolution, love for the person is a mute point — Jesus says to love them, period.

Loving someone, however, has nothing to do with living with them, and in some cases you need to move. Showing tough love is kicking the addict out of your house because you're kindness and generosity is enabling their negative behavior. Though we'd like to say this accounts for many situations, it really doesn't. The most common problem is not that black and white of an issue and this is where I am at with my roomies. Time will tell if we can find a common ground and build a house on it or if we'll push each other away in our disdain.

How do I respond. First I pray. Second, I thank God for a house and I thank him for all of the great roomies I've had in the past, our friendships, our memories. I praise Jesus for he is good and that just as he rescued me from a life of death and evil, he will help me get through this time in my life — even if it means things get worse and I have to stay here for the next six months. Jesus will be my light, Jesus will be my salvation and I must not get bitter. I must remember the heart of the man I follow who, while he was being prepared to be crucified, said — "Forgive them Father for they don't know what they are doing." Regardless of what happens, grace and love must be on my lips as I proceed on this slippery slope.

Crazy Times

I wish I could sit here and write about how God has dictated to me every step I should take. Obviously there's a lot going on here and yet, I haven't taken the time to listen intently and God isn't yelling loud enough yet. My friend is concerned that my decision making is based more on emotion than listening to God and to be honest, this is probably true. My actions are based on the following:

— My memory of past wounds
— Words I have received in the past
— My passions and my heart
— My judgements and assumptions, and
— My fears and lack of faith.

Other than Words that God has given me - sometimes through other people, there is a lot of "me" in this decision making process... and I need more of God in here. I rely on his people, his church, his presence, and to a small degree his Word - His love letter to me - but not enough with his still small voice.

In the midst of my troubles, I question whether I am to be in grad school at all or pursue ministry as I feel a call at some point in my life to plant and pastor churches. I worry about debt, about not getting a job and I think that I have to go back to school because there will not be provision for me. A lesson God is leading me toward now is that he will bring provision for those who are following his plan, his leading and this is hard in a society on the brink of recession or even depression.

As the church decision is resolved and in two weeks my aunt's situation will be resolved, I will be left to try to scramble as hard as possible to pull out what I can from this quarter. The class that I have skipped lectures from all quarter is of particular concern - will I pass the final with enough points to end well in the course? Something in the "B" territory would be great! In another course, a professor told us that the first quarter is always the hardest and as soon as the requirements are done, we get to take fun electives of our choice and life will be better.

Though I appear to have my life together, it is in fact a mess. I counsel people all the time to try to make sure their hearts are in the right place and I tell people that I am fine with what is going on in my life and for the most part, this is true. There are three areas of deviation though — where my heart is not focused on Jesus.


1) I struggle with fear and try to stay in control to mitigate the possible results of failure. This was evident as perfectionism, now visible as OCD hording tendancies and making decisions based on fear of bad consequences rather than the hope of good outcomes. I'm not saying we optimally should hope for the best and ignore the rest. I'm saying that with God, all things are possible and we won't learn this unless he leads us down a path that will test our faith. I try to not to get into those kinds of "teachable moments" because I usually fail and they're painful!

2) I struggle with fantasy and lust as I desire an emotional escape that robs my soul and Jesus of the very times I need to trust in him the most. Then I either doubt or don't desire God to take it away because it is my precious. Everything else is what I do for people and for God but this is what I do for myself. There is no room for people who live like this in the Kingdom of God and I know this.

3) I struggle with bitterness and anger. When people do something I don't like, I get angry and this turns to bitterness. It is usually never resolved properly and so judge people and lack compassion and grace toward those who cross me, for those who cross others who I care about, for those who don't know any better. You're either with me or you're against me and this is not really the way of Jesus.


In all of these, and surely more that I won't mention (pride probably being one of them), I miss the standard - I sin. Only God can change me, with a heart that desires his change, and so I must keep praying. I must also process more of this before God and not before my shrine of a computer or at the foot of my brothers. There's a place for both but none are as important as the Father and his council and I must get back to a place where we are best friends and inseparable. He has done so much to bring my heart into alignment with his but there is still so many strongholds, so many terror cells of the enemy - Satan - that hope to see me sacrifice everything for those secret wants.

I intimately know that Satan uses our divided hearts, offering to trade us our hearts desires (that are not Jesus) in order to get us to compromise on our values, to sin, etc. He uses this to kill us, creating an underground resistance in our souls that seeks to oust God from our hearts. We must identify those areas of the heart that are rebelling and we've got to sanctify those areas, reconciling them to Jesus. I want to live a life that completely dangerously and obsessively about one thing and that is Jesus. I pray that He would hold those powers at bay and work to destroy them in my soul.

Revolving Door Church

This post refers to the following, previously published post


I struggled to find a functional definition for a church to missionally reach a specific community in a way that would be significantly different, i.e. healthier, than the way para-church ministries do this. While talking with friends, we have recognized the concept as the "revolving door church." Most people who enter will be pushed back out into the world to go, make disciples and other churches and their training and releasing is enabled by an established and dedicated community of believers and the pastors and staff who help facilitate this.

In this definition, it's necessary to point out that (a) everyone would be able to become members of the community and accepted as such. Beyond acceptance, (b) the target population trying to be reached is able to stay or leave as they feel God is leading them so no one has to tell you to leave. I write this and realize that this is a great definition of Joshua House.

These two points, (a) and (b), are both beautiful. Point "a" means that the community can be diverse, can be inclusive no matter what, and reflects that after we accept Christ - no matter our status, race, situation (such as being a student at OSU or not) we are united in the fact that we are citizens of the blood of Christ, redeemed by him. In this realization, we share more in common with these new brothers and sisters than with anyone at any time in the history of the world. Point "b" also is equally encouraging because it allows people freedom and room for God to call them to unique callings and places, including the possibility of staying in a revolving door church for as long as you feel led - and you won't be the only one.

Not all churches function in a way where both of these points are satisfied and I think that if a church wants to reach, they've got to try to satisfy both. This would be necessary requirements for a healthy, revolving door church.

Walking Away / Church Decision - #2

On the church choice issue, I feel as if I am more okay with this decision - to not go back. The best description that I can express is a feeling of people shooting themselves in the foot and there's nothing I can or should do about this. This whole situation is sad, horrible, and counterproductive to spreading the Gospel at OSU and I'm not going to submit myself under their authority. I am going to stop talking about their church and this situation as I know feel it may be counterproductive for them and it could cause descension and that's something I know I should avoid.

Making Choices / Church Decision #1

CHURCH CHOICE DILEMMA EXPOUNDED
I write to provide insight for those who read this about the situation I am in trying to figure out what church I am to become a part of for the next two years of my life. A lot of people may ask — Eric, why do you have to try to figure these things out and make a big deal about this stuff. Here's what I'll say...

I view the decision of submitting myself to and being a part of a church as being one of the most important decisions and things in my life. From Jesus and in part through the church, I experience joy, purpose, healing, strength, and a lot of other intangibles that I can't get from anywhere else. This is my life, my faith, my focus.

On this issue, the question of what church should I be a part of is a heavy question and one that is first of all flawed. I am a part of two bodies of believers, Mosaic and Vineyard Church of Columbus and even if I made a decision, I must realize that Iam a part of both and that this will not change.

Second, there are differences in the churches and I will not be able to affect either - they are, for the most part, static and seemingly monolithic organizations that move because God collectively directs their members to action. This is actually a good thing. Both churches have unique goals and purposes and I've got to realize this.

MOVING TOWARD CONSENSUS? - part 1
In realizing this, I am now thinking that it is not wise for me to submit myself under the leadership of Mosaic because I share vastly more in common with the Vineyard as a movement, a church, a community. In other words, their vision is guiding my life right now. Even if I tried to align myself under Mosaic, I don't know if I could. Not to question God's provision, if it is God's will that I return, I don't think it would be possible for me to "box" the things Vineyard has done to me. I'd have to do this because they have changed the way I think and the way I act and in this, some of my actions would be what I have to submit to my leadership and would become, maybe, a subject of scrutiny. I could try but I'd fail and this would maybe help but probably more likely hurt Mosaic by creating descension.

HOW DIFFERENT ARE CHURCHES?
As I talk with friends about this, it's important to note that most churches are 98% the same but the 2% are things that people can spend a lifetime battling over if they wanted to. My beef in this situation is probably a "me-being-stupid" issue over being a "2%" kind of issue and I'm not casting judgment on anyone or any church but I'll just say here and now, if it is not exclusively God's will that I go to Mosaic, I don't think I will. At the end of the day, God's will is obviously the key thing but I'm not really sure this is an area where he has a specific desired direction for me.

GODLY DECISION MAKING
Most of life's decisions are like stupid like "to eat honey-glazed ham or hickory-smoked ham?" These are situations where a right answer is not easy to discern (because obviously hickory-smoked ham is sinful - note the sarcasm). In those kinds of situations, as well as the serious ones, I think God cares about the condition of our heart and whether we are trusting Him over the outcome of the actual decision.

For those worried about God's will, don't fret as God is God and when he wants to change our minds, he can and sometimes he does. (I don't think this interferes with free choice but that's besides the point). This situation regarding the changing of church membership seems large but to my amazement has been devoid of God throwing the big neon light sign out there to tell me what to do. It has been something that I've had to explore with the help of many - thank you - and certainly a question that won't be answered easily.

MOVING TOWARD CONSENSUS - part 2
Considering this lack of neon lighted sign and the difficulty of me trying to align myself under Mosaic's leadership, I have to find some other way of making a decision. As I sit here, analyzing at least four lines of argument for or against, I realize the array of the matrix of issues is larger than I have the desire to blog about, or that you probably want to ready about. Summarizing my thoughts, here, I will try.

1. — I could probably be fruitful at both churches.
2. — There would seemingly be less discomfort and trouble at Vineyard because I'm there and I already know people.
3. — I believe I could be obedient to God regardless of what church I am ultimately at.
4. — I think I would be more happy at Vineyard.
5. — I have more faith in what God is doing at Vineyard than I do at Mosaic. I have some faith and tons of hope for what God is and could do through Mosaic and it is exciting for me but as for now, this is but hope and faith for what could be and has yet to be completed.
6. — It seems unwise for me to try to insert myself into someone else's organization and vision if I am not in 100% agreement with what they think and how they choose to do it. We will probably never be 100% in agreement but we should try to submit as best we can.
7. — I need to learn how to respect what God is leading other people to do, especially when that leading is different than the one he has given me.
8. — I need a community of people to help me with the struggles of my life. I've tried to shelf this issue as much as possible but I can't.
9. — Regardless of whether I stay or go, God has used this time to change me and grow me in my faith in him. I know I am still to take risks, still to look for better ways to invest what He has given me and this is something to focus on after this period of time.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
This may seem pretty obvious by now but please pray that if it is God's will that I return, I would do so obediently and with the right frame of mind.

For those praying for me and my aunt, she has now slipped officially into a coma and is sliding away. Please pray for all of this.

Also, I just finished reading Night by Elie Wiesel and you need to read this book - it will change your life.

Please Pray

Please pray for me for this time between now and through this weekend. At this hour, I have a complicated project that is due by 5:30pm tomorrow of which I will probably have difficulty finishing. Inside this hour, I've just found out that my aunt, who has been very ill and recently living in a nursing home somehow fell and hit her head and now she is virtually unconscious and expected to die within days if not hours. I had hoped to see her this weekend to spend time with her one last time but I will probably be spending the time cleaning up her apartment and grieving.

Please pray that I would have the strength to get through the next 24 hours as well as to deal with her impending death and to be able to cope through this time of brokenness. God has really been moving in me, leading me through a period of brokenness over the past two weeks and two months and I need him more than ever. Please pray.

In the past month, I have felt God's calling to possibly switch churches and I am meeting with a pastor on Friday at 11:30am. Please pray for this meeting as this is going to be emotionally difficult and a test of whether God's providence is really with me in following up on this leading to help invest and grow this ministry. I love Vineyard and I know if things don't work out, I'll be back at JH in no time but I feel like God's calling me to take a risk and I'm acting on it. Please pray for wisdom and for God to increase discernment in my life, especially over these issues.

Muslims and Christians Agree: To Love God Is To Love One Another

Praise Jesus! Muslims and Christians may be closer to a state of peace than we all thought!

...and the Christian Response!

I cannot move mountains

I cannot move mountains. I can't - but there are mountains in the way. Only God can move mountains and so we pray, or at least I should. And here's a revelation, I'm bad about making sure to consult God on stuff, on trying to discern his will, praying about things, etc.

These mountains are the situations and people around me, I have no control over the fact that my aunt is dying and will be dead within a couple months. I have no control over the fact that there are some pretty f-ed up things going on at the church I feel like God is calling me too. I can't control the fact that I have lust issues. I can't control the fact that I don't really have a lot of friends and can't get along with my roomies. I can't control anything and in this state of brokenness there is Jesus.

Jesus has big eyes and he stares at me from across the hallway and says, "come here son, come here." I am so occupied and distraught with the politics and the drama of church and friends. I am so overwhelmed and yet running away from the fact my aunt is dying one of the most painful and cruel deaths I can think of - beyond the cross. I have little patience for any and all of this and on most days, if I could move away to the countryside and live alone in a small trailer, I would. This is where the depression sets in.

I know that following Jesus is a hard road. Every time my aunt screams in pain, I wince and become nauseous. I wonder, is this how Jesus' disciples felt when they saw him being put on the cross? This life is fleeing from us and all around us will burn in the days of judgment.

This sounds harsh and it is supposed to be. Some of you reading this may think I'm crazy but the truth is, even if you don't believe in God, all of the money and things in the world will mean nothing to you when you are dead. You can't bring them with you and the second truth is that all of the money and things in the world should not mean a thing to you when you are alive either because money can't by you love - or happiness. I digress but I guess as I realize life is short and resources to get an education are limited, this leads me to start making decisions toward things that are important in my life and I hope I consult the Lord.

Regarding the church, I am realizing I cannot save the day and this was a really naive thought I had within the last few months. Lesson learned - check! So now I must ask, am I still to stay at this new church home? I'm not in community, I don't feel welcomed, I don't feel like this is a good idea and yet the question that people keep peppering me with is "do you feel led to be here?"


And there is silence.

I don't know.

I would have said yes a few days ago but I feel like if I come back, the whole world will be against me from the pastor to the lay people, minus a friend or two. I don't want to be somewhere where I'm not welcomed, loved, desired, a part of the community. Yes, it takes time to become a part of this but it can't be all one sided, one sided relationships never work out. If it is just too hard, I will leave because I am not a rock, I am not strong, I am not invincible. There are churches that work here in Columbus and I guess you realize their value when you step into other communities for a while. I have a feeling that there will be a season of crying over the next few months. Maybe its because I am reading Elie Wiesel's Night and with the pervasiveness of death and evil around me, I long for God's Kingdom to break through and for the Lord to rescue me.

Lord, Father I ask - how did I find myself here in midst of so much death and decay - please help me find my way back to the light of your people, I miss them so much!

Entrapped?

"The dividing line between good and evil was not between peoples but right down the middle of every human heart."
- Aleksander Solzhenitsyn.


So one of my closest friends tells me today, clearer than I've heard him speak in a while, be careful because I don't want you to be like the White Knight who saves the day and then gets stabbed in the back. He tells me this because I have made a serious error. I have just dived off the side of the pool and while in mid air and unable to do anything about what I have done up to this point, realize that I am diving into the shallow end of the pool. Ahead of me is first a few feet of water followed by an instrument of discipline - the concrete bottom of the pool. I could be paralyzed, I could die. In this moment, I have to realize that God works all things for the greater glory and that he disciplines the ones he loves. The bottom of the pool may appear to be impending doom but in reality, it is his grace for without correction, we would not be able to call ourselves sons and daughters and, in this, we would most likely fall away from the Lord.

My motives and my desires fall within two categories, good and evil. In this situation, God has given me the desire to help those in need and bless them with what he has blessed me with. Unfortunately, the desires and giftings God has given me also lead to sin, especially pride and self-sufficiency. The worst combination of the two is something my friend calls the savior complex - the desire to always come into a situation and fix it regardless of whether or not it's God's will - or even the desire of the people who you want to help. This may be for God's Glory or for my glory but because you did not wait for God's timing, you are not doing this in God's power or of God's blessing and like walking down the up escalator, it will be difficult to accomplish your goals.

God calls us to pick up his easy yoke, pick up his cross and follow him - not chart our own course or to try to find out how much we can do without Him. If it is without Him, it will be fruitless and will burn like the rest of the things of this world. I must desire and ultimately need to be aligned with and following God's will and the shocker today is that I am not necessarily submitting in this.

Certainly I have desires that are not his and even if I say they are his, I know they're not. Of all of my desires, some of those are in line with the heart and will of the Father but when I jump ahead, fill in blanks, don't wait patiently, don't take enough time to listen in the silence - I fail to wait, actively, and do what I think is best which of course is not best and not God's will things blow up in my face (surprise, surprise).... By the time God comes back, I've got a golden calf ready and I'm worshiping it and then — He speaks.

I am the way the truth and the light. Come follow me for my burden is easy and my yoke is light. I am salvation. Choose what is better and it will not be taken away from you. I love you. I died for your sins: past, present, and future. Don't fret for the joy of the Father is found in placing the sheep on his father's shoulders and carrying it all the way home. He disciplines the ones who he loves. He who began a good work in you will carry it to completion.

I must learn what it means to actively wait for God to move and when I know more about this, I'll certainly put it down here.

Paradox

So here's the gist of what is complicating my life this fall.
- One year or so ago, I feel as if God is telling me "be a part of a body of believers near where you live." Simple enough - I went to small group and church services in Westerville, 20 minutes by freeway from my campus area apartment. I love my church but yeah sure, I could change small groups. Nine months, one month ago later I finally do and, well, it was an okay experience.
- Within the last eight months, I felt as if God gave me a burden for a church I used to attend and he did this by a) placing them on my heart, b) by keeping relationships with people there fresh, c) by having them tell me of the crazy stuff going on, and d) by giving me a hope that he could change the things that seemed wrong there.
- Last summer, four months ago, I wanted to go back but then I realized it wasn't the right timing and that I'd be placing myself in the middle of temptation.
- Now, I believe I am to return but events in the short run have me second guessing. (Does this sound like a "previously on Alias" run-down?).

My question now is - would God lead me somewhere that I would disagree with their vision to the point that I would confront the pastor? If God would lead me somewhere like that, why would he do this - either because God wants me to act/confront or because God wants me to pray (or both)? If God's will is for me to share what God has placed on my heart, why do I fear I will be rejected and loose relationships if I follow God's leading. How do I follow God's will and stay true to what he has for me as well as communicate what I need to in a way that is both encouraging and edifying to the Body? Simply put, I don't know how I'm going to survive this and I need your help Lord! For my friends, brothers and sisters in Jesus - please pray for me!

I have a dream - church redefined V1.2

I have a dream of church - the passion God has placed on my life. Here, the functional definition God has brought me to desire...

A healthy, multi-generational church that strives to reach those in its local community - especially the under-served and under-reached.


Healthy - the church must functionally be a whole unit of fellowship which means that beyond God, the church in question requires no outside help from others and could functionally survive and thrive in isolation from other bodies of believers. This doesn't require that it separate its self from other churches but just says that it would still be possible that this church could survive on its own. In addition, the church must preach the Word with its actions and words as well as be true to the Gospel and Jesus Christ. This means the church has a heart for the least, the last, and the lonely and views it as a priority to love people where they're at, helping those in need in real and tangible ways.

Multi-generational - the church has a variety of members who are of different phases of life from youth, young adults, singles, married folk, married folk with kids, grandparents, etc. Knowledge and passion flows between the age groups and people use their gifts to build up their generation and especially the next and those going through transition.

Reach the local community - a church that focuses on the area and the people around it as being a part of the mission field and reduces the unhealthy practice of people leaving their community and driving all over town to go to their church of choice (this is debatable). This is based on the assumption that it is healthier to live lives with others and live in community with them 7 days a week over simply Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. If moving towards an Acts 2 style church is a goal, how will this happen if we all commute to church from different places, etc. How will we know/respond appropriately to those in need in our community if we don't have a community?

Under-served and under-reached - a church that does not value those who are difficult to reach, those who have turned away from God, those who seem indifferent to God, is a church that has turned its back on a population of those God wants to reach and one that has lost faith in God to still do His work here. In this situation, it becomes easy to stereotype a generation and give up on them and this is especially true of twenty-somethings. Here's the truth though - twenty-somethings are looking for God and some churches are helping them find Him! The local church must strive to reach people in its local population - most especially those who are under-served and under-reached by the church at large. The church should make it a strong priority to accomplish these goals in sharing with and eventually discipling new believers but in this task, we must know that the church cannot neglect its other responsibilities to accomplish only this one - most especially neglecting the core membership and leadership of the church.

In order to reach those who are outside of the church, there must be common ground and their must be an attempt to reach them where they're at and allow them to be who God has made them to be. We can't expect them to change overnight or to value all of the things we hold so dear, especially those things that are not biblically required.


Accomplishing The Task: We Need Strong Church Cores That Will Help Us Survive Persecution and Death
Furthermore, just as an athlete needs a lot of core body strength, the church needs a solid core in order to over-extend and reach people. If it doesn't have a strong core, it will pull muscles - effectively wounding people - and long-term neglect could ultimately lead to a church dying. This is of course if God does not intervene and we must realize that God does not always intervene in these situations. If we want to have churches that can stand up to the world, the attacks of the enemy, to rape and abuse, porn and depression, and even great persecutions that some feel are near - it is critical that we build believers and churches that have strong cores, churches that are thriving (in closeness with the Lord) through and through.

We live in a world where the attractive nature of sin that pulls members from the congregation either in whole or in part. We live in a society where as followers of Jesus, we are assured we will carry a cross. We live in a world where it is more than a possibility that we will be tortured and killed for our faith. This is the world we live in. In light of this, as individual believers and as a church body, the question is "do we really believe this whole Jesus thing and if so, will you dedicate 100% of your life toward this cause?" In other words, is this worth dying for? If we really believe these things, we will follow Jesus completely and we will build churches that can help people survive persecution of the World and judgment of the Father.

For the individual, this means living in close communion with God and being willing to do dangerous things for the Lord. For the church, this means giving to the church of time, energy, and heart - seeking to build the church up and to see it radically start changing the lives of its members and reaching the world around it. From this core (of people and faith), the church is built up in the economy of love and grace, creating a place where the wounded can be healed and be released to free other captives (and they will!). A place where the Gospel and the world are reconciled through Jesus. Jesus in his love and compassion is the bridge, we are his saints attending to his desires and being extensions of his love so that his Holy Spirit can come. He works through us to release other believers from bondage and in doing so, he makes us more like himself. Without people going through this change, the glory and the love of Christ cannot be fully shown to the world around us.

Conflict of Focus?
For those afraid that an inward focus on making the church more healthy would detract from the church's evangelical focus, some words.
- First, a healthy church where God moves and frees people from bondage is attractive to most, especially the broken. Jesus said he came to heal the sick and in this, the broken are welcome.
- Second, a thriving church where people really connect with God and see their lives changed by Him will create passionate witnesses out of many. These are people who feel as if Jesus has not only saved them from death but that Jesus is showing them His love and transforming them now. These people, who are truly changed and feel free, are naturally evangelical because these are the people who just can't hold back this secret any longer. In a world that doubts the goodness and even existence of God, there is not a stronger witness than a person who says they have been CHANGED by God.
- Third, a passionate and healthy church with a strong core will keep members, unless they feel called to leave or have to move out of town, allowing for more net ministry as leaders and empowered core people can stay longer, get more training, and have more of an impact. Churches are either growing or dying and in this light, church practices are either sustainable or unsustainable. Passionate believers want to be a part of a church that they believe will have a return for the Kingdom and if the church appears to be dying and involved in unsustainable practices, they'll leave.





Beyond this working, living definition, I guess I'm struggling to come up with a similar, healthy definition for a church that is trying to be a missional outreach toward a specific group of the under-reached. I am struggling to find a counter example with does not fall under the definition of the para-church organization of which I am firmly convinced is not a church, nor healthy or self-sustainable organism. When I finally make the distinction, I'll post it.


11/10/07: This concept will be defined as the "revolving door church." Though it is a concept that is good for reaching people in transient societies, there still seems to be a need for a critical mass of community to help the body continue maturing and seeking after God as well as to help individuals and the church survive the valleys and mountaintops of life.

Sober Up

song: Jason Upton / Faith / "Gideon (Valley/Victory)" & "Freedom Reigns"


There's nothing more sobering than the news a doctor gives you - to go home and prepare to die, there's nothing we can do. They gave that prognosis to my aunt 15 months ago and now, she is finally at the door, the doctors say. Constant pain, infection, and a situation where operating would likely hasten death so she is go home and prepare to die.

And this brings me to a place where I am relatively healthy and yet in bondage to sin, not living fully alive and free in the Lord and it seems pathetic. Furthermore, this is the time where I'm tempted to doubt the Lord and his goodness but I have to remember, and remember I do, that she will be joining Jesus and all of the saints in Heaven. Victory is yours Lord, victory is yours Lord, victory is yours Lord - all of Heaven rejoices.

So I pray God, please bring me strength to see you at work in what seems to be something so horrible and to trust that you will work through this to bring her closer to you as well as the rest of us. I pray that it is the desire of my heart to draw nearer to you and really find the Freedom of the Lord, water to quench my eternal thirst, an end to addiction to porn and need to rely on myself. God change me, change my heart, make me more like you - I pray you'd reign in my heart Father, you'd change me from the inside out, for good. I pray for the day where the wrong becomes right and we can bask in your glory and praise you in the way we were meant to, I pray that you'd continue to win my heart and seal it for you Lord, prepare me for this day... and help me have an desire to stay on fire for you, to trust you, to love you Jesus.

I pray it'd be more than a song but that it would be real...

Whatever you're burdened with tonight, Whatever you struggle with tonight, There is Freedom, There is freedom. Nobody is looking at you tonight. Nobody is looking at you tonight, The eyes of the Lord is moving to and fro throughout the Earth, Seeking an heart that's completely his. Jesus you reign in this place, Showers of mercy and grace, Falling on ev'ry face, There is freedom. (from Freedom Reigns)


And I must keep telling myself that God is saying it now as he was saying it three years ago and will continue saying it:

Don't let anyone, don't let anything hold you back
Don't let anything hold you back, Don't let anything hold you back
Father is calling you. (Come up here (John on the Isle of Patmos version)

Jesus, Have mercy on me! Deliver me from this continual state of running from you and running back to you - change me, take away my addictions and make me more like you - help me find peace, joy, and satisfaction in following you, in serving you - please Lord! Help me follow your word and not let stupid things get in the way between me and you - you want my heart and you want all of it and help me desire to give you all of it! This life is fleeing from me too - help me see that my days are numbered too - help me to make the most of them Lord!

Life as I know it

I am broken like a vase that fell off the top shelf, like a window just after the baseball flies through it, like a building just imploded for demolition.

Without Jesus there would be no hope. I would be known by who I am - a depressed, compulsive, codependent, socially awkward, control freak guy who is addicted to porn and questions his faith daily, sometimes hourly. There would be no hope. My future would be to fall further into a life of sexual brokenness and isolation until I do unthinkable things - I must stop here. I must stop because one, it is sad and two, on some level I already feel condemned.

I must trust that Jesus was the son of God, was born to Mary, revealed himself as the Savior of the world, was chosen by God and that Jesus, himself, freely chose to die on a cross for my sins (of which are very numerous) and rose from the dead to sit on the right hand of God, in heaven and that so by believing, trusting, and living in him and accepting the Holy Spirit, I might find solace in the fact that though I am depraved, though this is a depressing and evil world, I have been redeemed by grace and no longer have to be chained to the evil of this world or of my heart. That I at any time, just as I did the first time, can repent from the evil, embrace Jesus and start anew. This could be daily, it probably needs to be hourly yet we feel like turning toward the Lord less often. This its self is a source of pain in my life.

Less obvious than to the average person, the one who struggles with an addiction is constantly choosing between Christ and his or her desire. The addiction attempts to destroy your soul and turn you from the one who can heal you, who can oust the evil that defies your attempts to free yourself. The words I heard today to inspire me to write on this - we must admit as we live our lives that we are at war. I am at war with evil in my life and at this time in my life, I feel like I'm losing battle after battle but I know that Jesus will be victorious, I will be healed and one day dwell with the saints in heaven, worshiping the Father because he is good and for all of the good things he has done. Believing this requires faith, of which the conviction never seems strong enough to thwart the temptation to sin.

The solace here is Jesus knows where I am at, who I am in him, still loves me, still has a plan and a desire to see me healed and brought home and is actively working to free me from web of evil that has infected my heart, life, mind, soul. In Jesus there is no condemnation and in him there is hope in the faith that he will complete the work, bring healing to my life, will make me like Jesus more and more and in this hope, I am thankful! This doesn't null my desires for evil but it provides a bright point of light in a dark time - my aunt dying of liver failure, my parents struggling to keep up on their own power as well as me dealing with friends who do not act as brothers, churches who continue to fall short and sin against people I love, and myself - dealing with issues that rock my core: selfishness, lust, anger, addiction, depression.

In the eight years I've known Jesus, there has been no other time in my life where I needed Jesus more than today. I have no proof for the existence of God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit but I have experienced them moving in my life and in the lives of those around me in the last eight years. They have testified to their presence and I cry out now, Jesus, have mercy on me! Change my heart Lord, make me more like you, make me more whole, make me love with reckless abandon, allow me to have joy again and prosper in your ways Lord. Jesus, have mercy on me.

First

This isn't my first blog - the first was bitchy, the second was raw, and this one will be something else, I hope. When I made such a bold comment the last time I switched it up, a friend commented that he thought I was aspiring for something else and well, I now wish to say that I don't want to make any promises that I can't keep. These are my ramblings, feelings, place in life. I want to be real and I want you to realize that some of this will be ugly and some of it will bring a smile to your face. I now understand that blogging is not a substitute for real quality time with friends and family, brothers and sisters in Christ. If you want to be one of these people, contact me.

The Christian life is about sharing life together and here is an attempt to share my life with readers who don't know me and of course those who do yet don't get a chance to talk to me very often - more than I would wish but what can you do about this? For those who feel I may be saying too much about you or others, please contact me and we will resolve this. I don't want to rumor, to spread inaccurate ideas or concepts, etc. Because of that, I have to watch myself and shield this site from those kinds of discussions and if I don't, call me out - please.