Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics
My favorite quote from Stats 145. Anyways...
Yeah, so there's this lie I believe. I feel like I am sin, or like I am my sin or like I am the wrath of my sin. The sin of course is SSA and I think I feel so much like I am it is because in many ways, the sin carries an identity that is very strong and seems at times to be, well, me. Of course when I said this in a prayer group time tonight, I was challenged by a leader — "you do realize what you just said?" "yes, I know what I said and I'm not saying it's true but that at many times I feel as if I am my sin or as if I am sin."
Driving home just a few minutes later, I felt like all of these things started being spoken — perhaps as if this is the wrath of something I've done like in how the biblical-era Israelites were assumed to be sinful (or their parents or parent's parents) if they struggled with an infirmity. This is, in many ways, how I feel about my struggles and this feeling does not reflect the truth of the matter.
The truth of the matter is that the sin has been atoned for and I need not walk in it any longer. It has no power over me for Christ has broken its bond over me. Knowing this, I can't but think that I must be welcoming it or not actively rejecting it and that this must be a reason why my battle for freedom seems to be so easily stymied. I even desire to indulge the lust even right now despite all of the truth and knowledge that I know, though perhaps do not embrace or perhaps cannot accept with my heart.
The lie is that I am my sin, that Christ is not able to separate it from me, not able to purify or rip off the flesh from my body, remove the evil-desiring portions of my heart, etc. Most feel shameful or guilty that they can't get with the program and stop sinning. I guess, for the time-being, do not feel like I get that line of attack from the enemy because he'd rather make me feel like I have no choice as, perhaps he claims that I am but one thing, a sinner who desires to be comforted by what I know, my state living in sin, without hope, without desire for freedom. In essence, if the sin is removed, I will cease to exist. Two words: Scare Tactics.
There is a choice, I can choose Christ and to accept the TRUTH that I am not my sin, that Christ has atoned for these sins and for me, a sinful person, and that I am now a new creation, being transformed to be like Christ. Even-though I may be afflicted with SSA and even-though it seems as if it is me, it is not and I must reject it to put on the clothes of Christ. Furthermore, I must reject self-hatred and self-condemnation and put on the clothes of Christ, a son who is fully known and fully loved by the Father. One who is justified by the Father through Christ and needs not to condemn one's self.
If we embrace the lies, it will not cancel out the truth but it will make it damn near impossible to live as if the truth is true for us. Our knowledge is not defined by Truth but by feelings and the lies we embrace and, well, we will be sinning against God for we are refusing to believe who we are in him, who we are as the Word declares and the wrath, the result of this sin is a lack of hope and faith in the promises we have essentially rejected. For the time being, we may be saved by Jesus but we are not fully aware of the depth of saving and redemption that Christ is going to accomplish. Yes, even if we can't fathom the depths of our sins and disbelief, Christ intimately knows it all and permits us grace and mercy especially for the things we know not of and have little if any power to do anything about. In application, I may not be able personally stop my SSA but I can be striving to seek out more of God and some of those root issues and theology issues and I can be praying, confessing and repenting... Christ role is to change my heart and my role is to ask him, partner with him, and let him do as he will.
Lord, have your way.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Depths
So I know a pastor who questions whether David was like schizophrenic because of his psalms which some give great praise for God being near and then cry out, where are you God in the same song and verse even.
So I write tonight, perhaps in good company, that life is hard. Certainly there are many who would agree but tonight was especially hard. I sit in Church and feel like I'm being bombarded with thoughts that are depressing at best. I eagerly desire friends but this group I think I'm joining seems to be full of people who, well, could care less about whether or not I'm there. Maybe it's true but for someone who has been in situation after situation where they've felt rejected or were convinced they were rejected, it's hard to even dare to dream of something different. I decided during the service to talk to someone in the group and ask them, "do you think that the people in your group are people who desire to build friendships and relationships with new people?"
The answer I got was less than I could hope for and more along the lines of "building friendships is something you have to initiate and invest in and if you're not willing to do what you need to to build into a friendship, you're not going to find it." Also that "it could take six months to develop friendships in a group" and that you just have to stick with it." Again, disheartening because six months is a long time and because I'm lonely now. I asked him from his perspective as someone in the group and he thinks people are open to friendships but that they follow more than they initiate. This is not what I want to hear.
I hate feeling like I have to justify to others why it is worth their time to get to know me, to value me, to find worth in me. I hate feeling like I'm going head to head with relationships where the people I want to get to know make the easy decision to hang out with the guy they've been in friendship with since elementary school, junior high or high school. I hate having to deal with the enemy who continues to point to the obvious to say that I'm not loved, valued, desired, worth time, etc. Jesus so loves me and desires so much for me and yet I feel so far from him. I just feel like I have horrible secrets that I need to dump and people who I just wish could be there to help me. These secrets, this depression - it all feels like my soul, mind and heart is being ripped apart, limb by limb.
In the midst of this, I have the joy and freedom to be able to look up and pray and find peace, joy, and love from Jesus. Yes, this Jesus who is inviting me to take off my robes of pain, lust, evil, depravity, rejection and put on his robes of grace, love, righteousness, innocence and truth. Yes, this Jesus who brings freedom from the situations, flesh, and principalities that desire to see me take glory from the father and self-destruct. I want to be with people who desire this, who so eagerly desire this that it is evident in who they are and what they do. I haven't found these people yet or at least the Lord hasn't illuminated this for me yet.
And I don't want to say that I'm trying to find perfect people or something. This is something that's been suggested (accused) of my motivations. I just don't want another situation where I am in a group where I can't build relationships with men in the group because 1) they're too busy, 2) they could care less about the bible or pursuing Jesus, or 3) don't really appear to value me and/or our friendship to the point that they'd want to get to know me, meet regularly or hang out all that much, etc. ...And now I think I understand why so many people start drinking alone, they just don't have other people to drink with or really anything of value worth not being drunk for. God, I pray that I won't be a loner for long now!!!!!
And in this, I guess I see the codependency pop to the surface. But as I told my counselor, I'd rather have codependent relationships than no relationships at all. For the time being, unless I really try to connect with some of these people in my new group, I think I'll probably feel like I'll have neither. And in the dark places where I'm driving my car home or getting ready to go to bed at 9pm because I've got nothing going on.... in those places I get depressed and in those places, I start to lust after things and in that kind of a place, I so desperately fear that I will seek to have a one night stand or otherwise do something that I will regret. Of course you can't say this to anyone because there are far to few people who are mature enough to know how to deal with this and such seems to be my lot.
Lord, I desire friends, buddies who I can hang out with, enjoy time with. People who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and who I desire to see Him glorified in theirs. People who seek after truth and enjoy talking about truth, praying, moving as they would be led. People who actually call about hanging out and doing this or whatever. People who I don't feel like I have to justify my worth to or why they should like me, love me, etc. People who I can be completely real with and who are fine with that. Lord, I desire people who are like this.... Jesus, make me one of these people and help me find the others you're transforming to be like this. Jesus, help me to not feel entrapped in my loneliness, depression, and lust.
So I write tonight, perhaps in good company, that life is hard. Certainly there are many who would agree but tonight was especially hard. I sit in Church and feel like I'm being bombarded with thoughts that are depressing at best. I eagerly desire friends but this group I think I'm joining seems to be full of people who, well, could care less about whether or not I'm there. Maybe it's true but for someone who has been in situation after situation where they've felt rejected or were convinced they were rejected, it's hard to even dare to dream of something different. I decided during the service to talk to someone in the group and ask them, "do you think that the people in your group are people who desire to build friendships and relationships with new people?"
The answer I got was less than I could hope for and more along the lines of "building friendships is something you have to initiate and invest in and if you're not willing to do what you need to to build into a friendship, you're not going to find it." Also that "it could take six months to develop friendships in a group" and that you just have to stick with it." Again, disheartening because six months is a long time and because I'm lonely now. I asked him from his perspective as someone in the group and he thinks people are open to friendships but that they follow more than they initiate. This is not what I want to hear.
I hate feeling like I have to justify to others why it is worth their time to get to know me, to value me, to find worth in me. I hate feeling like I'm going head to head with relationships where the people I want to get to know make the easy decision to hang out with the guy they've been in friendship with since elementary school, junior high or high school. I hate having to deal with the enemy who continues to point to the obvious to say that I'm not loved, valued, desired, worth time, etc. Jesus so loves me and desires so much for me and yet I feel so far from him. I just feel like I have horrible secrets that I need to dump and people who I just wish could be there to help me. These secrets, this depression - it all feels like my soul, mind and heart is being ripped apart, limb by limb.
In the midst of this, I have the joy and freedom to be able to look up and pray and find peace, joy, and love from Jesus. Yes, this Jesus who is inviting me to take off my robes of pain, lust, evil, depravity, rejection and put on his robes of grace, love, righteousness, innocence and truth. Yes, this Jesus who brings freedom from the situations, flesh, and principalities that desire to see me take glory from the father and self-destruct. I want to be with people who desire this, who so eagerly desire this that it is evident in who they are and what they do. I haven't found these people yet or at least the Lord hasn't illuminated this for me yet.
And I don't want to say that I'm trying to find perfect people or something. This is something that's been suggested (accused) of my motivations. I just don't want another situation where I am in a group where I can't build relationships with men in the group because 1) they're too busy, 2) they could care less about the bible or pursuing Jesus, or 3) don't really appear to value me and/or our friendship to the point that they'd want to get to know me, meet regularly or hang out all that much, etc. ...And now I think I understand why so many people start drinking alone, they just don't have other people to drink with or really anything of value worth not being drunk for. God, I pray that I won't be a loner for long now!!!!!
And in this, I guess I see the codependency pop to the surface. But as I told my counselor, I'd rather have codependent relationships than no relationships at all. For the time being, unless I really try to connect with some of these people in my new group, I think I'll probably feel like I'll have neither. And in the dark places where I'm driving my car home or getting ready to go to bed at 9pm because I've got nothing going on.... in those places I get depressed and in those places, I start to lust after things and in that kind of a place, I so desperately fear that I will seek to have a one night stand or otherwise do something that I will regret. Of course you can't say this to anyone because there are far to few people who are mature enough to know how to deal with this and such seems to be my lot.
Lord, I desire friends, buddies who I can hang out with, enjoy time with. People who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and who I desire to see Him glorified in theirs. People who seek after truth and enjoy talking about truth, praying, moving as they would be led. People who actually call about hanging out and doing this or whatever. People who I don't feel like I have to justify my worth to or why they should like me, love me, etc. People who I can be completely real with and who are fine with that. Lord, I desire people who are like this.... Jesus, make me one of these people and help me find the others you're transforming to be like this. Jesus, help me to not feel entrapped in my loneliness, depression, and lust.
Monday, September 15, 2008
The Power IS OUT!!!! Are You Prepared?!?
So the power has been out since 3pm Sunday. I've got just one question for you -- are you prepared?!? Find out here.
Of course we've got power at work and while I enjoy my salt and vinegar potato chips, I write some words. One, it was a bad idea to go grocery shopping during the power outage somehow thinking - oh yeah, we'll have power sometime this evening and the food will not spoil. I guess I wasted a $15 on perishables.... Then I got Chinese late last night thinking I'll save it for lunch today but then realizing today that, oh crap, the power didn't go on so that means my food is probably spoiled so I can't eat it today (unless I desire to get sick of course).
Anyway, so like a typical blogger, it's time to spill the deep dark secrets. I'll write more about this later after I have more time to pray and think about this but the revolution in thought is this simple understanding that no matter what I do, Jesus loves me. I don't have to do anything to merit his love, his presence, his comfort. I could choose to do things my way, do worse and yet Jesus loves me just as I am. I don't have to seek after him or do religious things to get approval because I've already got it. There is real freedom in Christ to do as I desire and be loved just the same. In this freedom, there's room to love and worship Christ back for who he is and what he has done, is doing, and will do in my life. What a revolutionary concept -- that love could simply be based on who you are and not what you do! Some of the people I've talked to seem to get this but I'll just say that it is so much harder to get it and to let it sustain you when you deal with extreme levels of self-hatred. When one needs to learn how to love others, love themselves and love God all over again. It's like I'm hearing the Gospel for the very first time and I've been "trying" to follow Christ for eight years.
More on this later,
ttyl,
eric
Of course we've got power at work and while I enjoy my salt and vinegar potato chips, I write some words. One, it was a bad idea to go grocery shopping during the power outage somehow thinking - oh yeah, we'll have power sometime this evening and the food will not spoil. I guess I wasted a $15 on perishables.... Then I got Chinese late last night thinking I'll save it for lunch today but then realizing today that, oh crap, the power didn't go on so that means my food is probably spoiled so I can't eat it today (unless I desire to get sick of course).
Anyway, so like a typical blogger, it's time to spill the deep dark secrets. I'll write more about this later after I have more time to pray and think about this but the revolution in thought is this simple understanding that no matter what I do, Jesus loves me. I don't have to do anything to merit his love, his presence, his comfort. I could choose to do things my way, do worse and yet Jesus loves me just as I am. I don't have to seek after him or do religious things to get approval because I've already got it. There is real freedom in Christ to do as I desire and be loved just the same. In this freedom, there's room to love and worship Christ back for who he is and what he has done, is doing, and will do in my life. What a revolutionary concept -- that love could simply be based on who you are and not what you do! Some of the people I've talked to seem to get this but I'll just say that it is so much harder to get it and to let it sustain you when you deal with extreme levels of self-hatred. When one needs to learn how to love others, love themselves and love God all over again. It's like I'm hearing the Gospel for the very first time and I've been "trying" to follow Christ for eight years.
ttyl,
eric
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Hope Shines
The depression broke by Monday morning, like a fever letting up. Things are okay now.
I've been listening to some conference tapes of Brennan Manning in '93 from a college in Washington and it is, well, excellent. Not because I learn but because God is communicating something through those tapes. Simply God loves me as I am and nothing I do will change that. He'd love me to become more like Christ and find life in him but he still loves me now more than ever, more than anything.
Today's session went well until I was asked the question "how do I know God? As Father, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit." I blanked and tried to answer the question but maybe deflected. I recommitted my life today but for some reason I felt like there was a wall, like I could not think or feel.... it was weird. With prompting for what to say from my counselor with words like "repent" and "express your thankfulness," I tried to get through that prayer. Something is wrong in me, that I do not understand the cross, Jesus and what he had to go through. I do not feel like I know God though I know he fully knows and fully loves me. I eagerly ask God to do things but I seldom listen to hear what he has to say to me, look to see what he looks like, listen to hear how he sounds like, etc. Either I fail or Satan is eff-ing with me or something.
So I'll be going to a new small group if - if possible - tomorrow. Not because I so desperately need to or was justified by my counselor but because there's no harm in looking and seeing what's out there and if I feel like God is calling me to another group, then so be it. If not, I'll be back in a jiffy....
I should place more of an effort to get to know who this God guy is — go on a trip with him, read his word, listen to his voice, etc. I pray I'll make this a priority soon.
I must go soon....
Please pray that God will continue to show me Himself, especially his heart of compassion.
Please pray that I will be moved and changed.
Please pray that I will find some friends who I can live life with.
Please pray that I will eagerly pursue him and then healing.
Please pray that I will find lasting joy and peace in the Lord soon.
I've been listening to some conference tapes of Brennan Manning in '93 from a college in Washington and it is, well, excellent. Not because I learn but because God is communicating something through those tapes. Simply God loves me as I am and nothing I do will change that. He'd love me to become more like Christ and find life in him but he still loves me now more than ever, more than anything.
Today's session went well until I was asked the question "how do I know God? As Father, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit." I blanked and tried to answer the question but maybe deflected. I recommitted my life today but for some reason I felt like there was a wall, like I could not think or feel.... it was weird. With prompting for what to say from my counselor with words like "repent" and "express your thankfulness," I tried to get through that prayer. Something is wrong in me, that I do not understand the cross, Jesus and what he had to go through. I do not feel like I know God though I know he fully knows and fully loves me. I eagerly ask God to do things but I seldom listen to hear what he has to say to me, look to see what he looks like, listen to hear how he sounds like, etc. Either I fail or Satan is eff-ing with me or something.
So I'll be going to a new small group if - if possible - tomorrow. Not because I so desperately need to or was justified by my counselor but because there's no harm in looking and seeing what's out there and if I feel like God is calling me to another group, then so be it. If not, I'll be back in a jiffy....
I should place more of an effort to get to know who this God guy is — go on a trip with him, read his word, listen to his voice, etc. I pray I'll make this a priority soon.
I must go soon....
Please pray that God will continue to show me Himself, especially his heart of compassion.
Please pray that I will be moved and changed.
Please pray that I will find some friends who I can live life with.
Please pray that I will eagerly pursue him and then healing.
Please pray that I will find lasting joy and peace in the Lord soon.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Numbness and Apathy Continues
So today is Saturday the 6th. Again, I had nothing to do on a Friday night. Yes, I spent some time with a friend earlier in the evening but nothing in the evening. I thought I was going to hang out with friends, maybe smoke some hookah (flavored tobacco) with friends but that didn't pan out. I ended up going to bed around 9pm because I was really tired and also because I was quite lonely. Compounding the loneliness were a couple actions that were meant to rest my lustful desires and yet one still feels lonely, still feels down.
I wonder about the effect of people who are addicted to sex, porn and masturbation. A cnn.com article mentioned about how these people are addicted to the high you get when you do these things and that most find it difficult overcome. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a part of the 3 to 6 percent of America that is thought to suffer from this. Sometimes I wonder if 3 to 6 percent is a really low estimate.
I think I am realizing more that the needs of my community and my own needs are really different. Like, I'd like friends but most the people in my group already have friends. Like, I want to significantly grow in my knowledge and relationship with Christ yet either other people already have or have other priorities like work or relationships that are getting in the way (at least for us to have this bond). I really want a community where others are challenging me and pushing me on to run the race, to be active but instead, I'm usually standing still and seemingly quite numb in my faith walk. I know I'll get busier but this is a priority I want to make (though current decisions and lifestyle choices say otherwise - i.e. not praying or reading the word as much as I should, if ever).
Certainly, I cannot blame my group for everything and I can't. I am personally accountable before Jesus for what I do with my life. The question is, can I reasonably expect to be able to change the culture of my group or not? And the answer is quite simply "no." Not because they're not changeable but because only God can change our hearts and that's what we need. My understanding is this, if we as a group don't desire to change our hearts on these things then we will most likely not see the Lord breaking in and changing our hearts. God can do whatever he wants but Jesus wants us to ask him to help us.
As for me though, I started a support group for my sexual issues and have started to go see a counselor. Regarding the group, I am starting to dread the fact that they'll want me to share what I'm struggling with in deep detail and that I should share that at no points this week have I been repentant and tried to stop acting on my lust. More than that, I'll have to share the content of my lust with people who I fear will not understand, will not have the grace and love of Christ. At times I feel like this is not a safe place to cry, a safe place to heal.
In many ways right now, I'm upset about the things going on around me. I hate the idea that I'm starting to work (despite the fact that not working makes you feel so worthless) and not able to have the freedom to hang out with people, etc. Work adds so much structure to your life, as if 2/3rds of my week are now gone and that things will now move so much slower until, well, I die. Again, not realistic. I could also say I'm upset that I'm not more repentant about my sin, not more grieved by the Spirit. I should have hope that I will have more Joy as these were words given to me and yet for some reason, Words from the Lord feel useless to me. Parts of me feel like at times that I am beyond the cross — a lie from the enemy but when you don't feel condemnation from the Spirit when you're in open opposition, there's not much else I can think of to explain it.
As for what to do... I've got this paper taped to my computer with something written on it. Words of wisdom from a friend's counselor. "If it doesn't work, try something else, try a different way." Secondly, "Push people, tell them what you want and if they balk, move on." Perhaps it's time to start applying these concepts.
I wonder about the effect of people who are addicted to sex, porn and masturbation. A cnn.com article mentioned about how these people are addicted to the high you get when you do these things and that most find it difficult overcome. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a part of the 3 to 6 percent of America that is thought to suffer from this. Sometimes I wonder if 3 to 6 percent is a really low estimate.
I think I am realizing more that the needs of my community and my own needs are really different. Like, I'd like friends but most the people in my group already have friends. Like, I want to significantly grow in my knowledge and relationship with Christ yet either other people already have or have other priorities like work or relationships that are getting in the way (at least for us to have this bond). I really want a community where others are challenging me and pushing me on to run the race, to be active but instead, I'm usually standing still and seemingly quite numb in my faith walk. I know I'll get busier but this is a priority I want to make (though current decisions and lifestyle choices say otherwise - i.e. not praying or reading the word as much as I should, if ever).
Certainly, I cannot blame my group for everything and I can't. I am personally accountable before Jesus for what I do with my life. The question is, can I reasonably expect to be able to change the culture of my group or not? And the answer is quite simply "no." Not because they're not changeable but because only God can change our hearts and that's what we need. My understanding is this, if we as a group don't desire to change our hearts on these things then we will most likely not see the Lord breaking in and changing our hearts. God can do whatever he wants but Jesus wants us to ask him to help us.
As for me though, I started a support group for my sexual issues and have started to go see a counselor. Regarding the group, I am starting to dread the fact that they'll want me to share what I'm struggling with in deep detail and that I should share that at no points this week have I been repentant and tried to stop acting on my lust. More than that, I'll have to share the content of my lust with people who I fear will not understand, will not have the grace and love of Christ. At times I feel like this is not a safe place to cry, a safe place to heal.
In many ways right now, I'm upset about the things going on around me. I hate the idea that I'm starting to work (despite the fact that not working makes you feel so worthless) and not able to have the freedom to hang out with people, etc. Work adds so much structure to your life, as if 2/3rds of my week are now gone and that things will now move so much slower until, well, I die. Again, not realistic. I could also say I'm upset that I'm not more repentant about my sin, not more grieved by the Spirit. I should have hope that I will have more Joy as these were words given to me and yet for some reason, Words from the Lord feel useless to me. Parts of me feel like at times that I am beyond the cross — a lie from the enemy but when you don't feel condemnation from the Spirit when you're in open opposition, there's not much else I can think of to explain it.
As for what to do... I've got this paper taped to my computer with something written on it. Words of wisdom from a friend's counselor. "If it doesn't work, try something else, try a different way." Secondly, "Push people, tell them what you want and if they balk, move on." Perhaps it's time to start applying these concepts.
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