Things are blah and I still feel like I'm trying to live apart from Jesus. It doesn't work well but I try anyway. The sin isn't really worth it but when you're stuck in malaise, it is so hard to break out. Jesus is with me and forgiveness and restoration is a prayer away. God knows I am sorry and sad but obedience and a desire to fellowship seems beyond me — a lie of the enemy that still rings true with my heart.
As a friend said, just tell God that you love him and want him to do as he will so here it is. Lord, I love you and so desperately desire that you would change my heart and make me want to glorify you with my all of my mind, body, soul and strength, that I in my entirety and everything that I would do bring you Glory and that, in your grace, I would have relationship. Lord, I love you and need you to save me from this death spiral I find myself in — I know that your grace is for the sake of relationship and permission to do whatever I desire, something that I know is blasphemy.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Backsliding
Jesus, please have mercy on me a sinner.
Father, the past two weeks have seen me grow colder and number to you and your quiet voice. I've sought to worship other things — I've been absorbed by compulsion and false hopes. I've been distracted by the illusion of satisfaction in anything other than you Father. As horrible as it always seems, today is the first Sunday of the month so Communion is being prepared as I contemplate my sin and ask for forgiveness and yet seemingly never really change the way I act, never really try to be obedient. Father, you know where I'm at and you know it isn't my fault that I'm in this world that is so sexualized, that is so full of distractions. Yet, I am accountable for how I respond to this world, how I choose to reject or embrace the traps and the enemy that seeks to entangle me. I do not heed your warnings, I do not try to stay away from the thoughts, the things, the demons that lead me to death and destruction.
For all of this and more, I'm sorry Lord. I don't know what I do, I don't know how I desecrate my soul, I don't know how much I pain you when I sin, and sin, and sin some more just in a day. If I'm not overtly sinning by over-spending, over-eating, masturbating, entertaining lustful thoughts, and the like, then I'm being judgmental, prideful, and bearing false witness. Seldom O' Father, do I simply run to you and try to be in your arms, hear what you would have to say to me, retreat into your Word. Seldom O' Lord, do I seek to walk in obedience, service, and friendship. Change me Lord, make my heart bend toward you, may I realize a deep relationship in you where I surrender my whole heart, mind, body, and strength to your will and purposes, to obedience and love of you and your ways. Have your way O' Lord — may it not be about me but may it be completely and totally about you, about your glory, about seeing me lowered and you raised up.... From dust I have come and to dust I shall return, until that day that you shall call me to serve and worship you forever Lord.
Father, the past two weeks have seen me grow colder and number to you and your quiet voice. I've sought to worship other things — I've been absorbed by compulsion and false hopes. I've been distracted by the illusion of satisfaction in anything other than you Father. As horrible as it always seems, today is the first Sunday of the month so Communion is being prepared as I contemplate my sin and ask for forgiveness and yet seemingly never really change the way I act, never really try to be obedient. Father, you know where I'm at and you know it isn't my fault that I'm in this world that is so sexualized, that is so full of distractions. Yet, I am accountable for how I respond to this world, how I choose to reject or embrace the traps and the enemy that seeks to entangle me. I do not heed your warnings, I do not try to stay away from the thoughts, the things, the demons that lead me to death and destruction.
For all of this and more, I'm sorry Lord. I don't know what I do, I don't know how I desecrate my soul, I don't know how much I pain you when I sin, and sin, and sin some more just in a day. If I'm not overtly sinning by over-spending, over-eating, masturbating, entertaining lustful thoughts, and the like, then I'm being judgmental, prideful, and bearing false witness. Seldom O' Father, do I simply run to you and try to be in your arms, hear what you would have to say to me, retreat into your Word. Seldom O' Lord, do I seek to walk in obedience, service, and friendship. Change me Lord, make my heart bend toward you, may I realize a deep relationship in you where I surrender my whole heart, mind, body, and strength to your will and purposes, to obedience and love of you and your ways. Have your way O' Lord — may it not be about me but may it be completely and totally about you, about your glory, about seeing me lowered and you raised up.... From dust I have come and to dust I shall return, until that day that you shall call me to serve and worship you forever Lord.
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