Frustrated

I am frustrated as I sit at a red light on Sawmill and 161.

I had gone out to get gas, driving to a station I thought had cheap gas but had raised their prices. Then I drove to Target and realize just as I pull into the parking lot that I didn't know everything I needed to know for the purchase I wanted to make there. Now, on my way back, my stomach is grumbling too much to make my final stop — reading and enjoying a venti six-pump chai with soy. With so many choices and a stomach now growling, I decide to go home. But these are not the reasons why I am upset.

Confusion like this is normal for me, especially while I'm stressed but these are the reasons why I'm frustrated. I am frustrated for several reasons — all of which I feel I have little if any control over.

Yesterday, I traveled to Logan with a long-time friend named Sara. We were driving to visit Mike, a good friend of both of ours who lives in Japan but had come home for the Holidays. It was a good time and I miss Mike. Sara and I have a lot in common, especially when it comes to wounding. Last night I took time to pray for her because I believe God desires to bring healing into our lives. God showed up and that was cool. She thanked me for being one of the very few people she knows who cares enough about her to take the time to pray.

This all comes within hours of a complaint session in the car about how I struggle to trust my church, my small group, and especially my douche-bag friends. Like most nights of the week, I am sitting in my home alone. (A roommate is playing games up stairs so yes, alone.) I feel like I'm stuck in this church, this group, this network of friends who do not understand what friendship, what life together really means. This is why I am frustrated.

The friends I care about, who I want to be in relationship with never call me. And now my phone rings . . . and it's another friend of mine - also named Mike. Mike noticed that I put something on my Facebook about being bored tonight so we're meeting up at Starbucks.

How I proceed with my discontentment is something I am starting to see will be a test for my life. Do I take it to the Lord, do I try to find my own answer, or do I do nothing. In general, my response is do nothing (... that is I talk to people about it — while not necessarily being as honoring or respectful as I should be).

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My meeting at Starbucks with Mike was, well, along such lines and we have yet to come to any conclusions as for how we should respond. While sipping my Chai, we pondered whether a discussion with a Pastor about such things may be helpful. I remain pessimistic but may give it a try. In spite of the desire to work things out, I'm starting to think that joining a multi-generational church or small group (of which has a high view of Jesus and the Authority of the Scriptures) may be prudent step. Though I don't want to claim that my church doesn't have a high view of Jesus or the Authority of the Scriptures, saying (statements of belief) one does and acting (actions of the church, theological framework and subject of preaching) as if one does are two different things. Such things are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.