Depths

So I know a pastor who questions whether David was like schizophrenic because of his psalms which some give great praise for God being near and then cry out, where are you God in the same song and verse even.

So I write tonight, perhaps in good company, that life is hard. Certainly there are many who would agree but tonight was especially hard. I sit in Church and feel like I'm being bombarded with thoughts that are depressing at best. I eagerly desire friends but this group I think I'm joining seems to be full of people who, well, could care less about whether or not I'm there. Maybe it's true but for someone who has been in situation after situation where they've felt rejected or were convinced they were rejected, it's hard to even dare to dream of something different. I decided during the service to talk to someone in the group and ask them, "do you think that the people in your group are people who desire to build friendships and relationships with new people?"

The answer I got was less than I could hope for and more along the lines of "building friendships is something you have to initiate and invest in and if you're not willing to do what you need to to build into a friendship, you're not going to find it." Also that "it could take six months to develop friendships in a group" and that you just have to stick with it." Again, disheartening because six months is a long time and because I'm lonely now. I asked him from his perspective as someone in the group and he thinks people are open to friendships but that they follow more than they initiate. This is not what I want to hear.

I hate feeling like I have to justify to others why it is worth their time to get to know me, to value me, to find worth in me. I hate feeling like I'm going head to head with relationships where the people I want to get to know make the easy decision to hang out with the guy they've been in friendship with since elementary school, junior high or high school. I hate having to deal with the enemy who continues to point to the obvious to say that I'm not loved, valued, desired, worth time, etc. Jesus so loves me and desires so much for me and yet I feel so far from him. I just feel like I have horrible secrets that I need to dump and people who I just wish could be there to help me. These secrets, this depression - it all feels like my soul, mind and heart is being ripped apart, limb by limb.

In the midst of this, I have the joy and freedom to be able to look up and pray and find peace, joy, and love from Jesus. Yes, this Jesus who is inviting me to take off my robes of pain, lust, evil, depravity, rejection and put on his robes of grace, love, righteousness, innocence and truth. Yes, this Jesus who brings freedom from the situations, flesh, and principalities that desire to see me take glory from the father and self-destruct. I want to be with people who desire this, who so eagerly desire this that it is evident in who they are and what they do. I haven't found these people yet or at least the Lord hasn't illuminated this for me yet.

And I don't want to say that I'm trying to find perfect people or something. This is something that's been suggested (accused) of my motivations. I just don't want another situation where I am in a group where I can't build relationships with men in the group because 1) they're too busy, 2) they could care less about the bible or pursuing Jesus, or 3) don't really appear to value me and/or our friendship to the point that they'd want to get to know me, meet regularly or hang out all that much, etc. ...And now I think I understand why so many people start drinking alone, they just don't have other people to drink with or really anything of value worth not being drunk for. God, I pray that I won't be a loner for long now!!!!!

And in this, I guess I see the codependency pop to the surface. But as I told my counselor, I'd rather have codependent relationships than no relationships at all. For the time being, unless I really try to connect with some of these people in my new group, I think I'll probably feel like I'll have neither. And in the dark places where I'm driving my car home or getting ready to go to bed at 9pm because I've got nothing going on.... in those places I get depressed and in those places, I start to lust after things and in that kind of a place, I so desperately fear that I will seek to have a one night stand or otherwise do something that I will regret. Of course you can't say this to anyone because there are far to few people who are mature enough to know how to deal with this and such seems to be my lot.

Lord, I desire friends, buddies who I can hang out with, enjoy time with. People who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and who I desire to see Him glorified in theirs. People who seek after truth and enjoy talking about truth, praying, moving as they would be led. People who actually call about hanging out and doing this or whatever. People who I don't feel like I have to justify my worth to or why they should like me, love me, etc. People who I can be completely real with and who are fine with that. Lord, I desire people who are like this.... Jesus, make me one of these people and help me find the others you're transforming to be like this. Jesus, help me to not feel entrapped in my loneliness, depression, and lust.