Relationships, Transformation, and Some Thoughts

Relationships
Dan and I try to get lunch once a week, maybe every other week at the latest. We've been friends for five years this fall and he is one of the few friends in my life that I would describe as an Oak tree. Beyond Dan, there are a few other solid trees in my garden of friends but as I described to him, I lack these significant friendships in the context of my group and really my church. The kind of friendships that will last, people who will do what is needed to protect you from the evil one, who will confront you when you do wrong, who will endure suffering to help you when you need help. Oh, I am thankful for Dan and I wish I had more friendships with people who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and eagerly desire to see me grow in devotion and likeness to Him! Oh Lord, please show me who these people are.

Transformation
God is doing stuff in my life and this is sweet yet I am not necessarily all smiles. Here's some of the stuff that God is doing:

1) Showing me that he desires good and perfect gifts (discerned in prayer at Breathe, July 19th). In so doing, He is providing what I need. I've got an internship, a roommate, soon an apartment and perhaps some other stuff in the works.

2) Telling me not to worry about the call to be a pastor or a leader because at this time, these are not things that he's calling me to in this season. (discerned at Breathe, July 19th)
2b) The pursuit of trying to figure out these things grew to an obsession and I think the desire to possibly become a pastor was simply not from God and could probably be labeled idolatry. (discerned during ministry time at the close of Joshua House on July 27th).

3) Telling me that I need to focus on knowing who I am in Christ (a repeating theme, perhaps solidified on Sunday, July 27th and Thursday, July 31th). God has a specific plan and purpose for my life and I need to stop pursuing things that he hasn't called me to. Knowing that idolatry is a problem, repenting and focusing on Christ.

4) Idolatry in Kingdom Stuff, and potential rewards of the Kingdom. Realizing that I place too much of a focus on trying to get freedom from sexual sin, in becoming a leader, in fixing my small group, in using my gifts to do great stuff, in seeing the church renewed, in feeling the presence of God, in receiving the gifts of God. My desire for all of these things pulls my worship and adoration away from Christ for Christ's sake to worshiping Christ for he is the one who can deliver me. Worship in this state of idolatry is based on my level of success in reaching what I desire, not based on the divinity and thankfulness of Christ as Lord! (discerned over the past month, Tuesday, July 29 and Thursday, July 31).

5) And finally, maybe not a positive change in the area of lust and sexual brokenness — I was tempted by an ad I read on Craigslist for someone seeking a place to live in exchange for cooking, chores, and whatever else someone might need detailing this person's age, weight and features. I fell fast, just a couple days later and it was hard to get past that but I have to remember that those wells are dry, that they don't quench my thirst and that only Christ can do that. I wasn't even trying to find such an ad but simply looking for people who needed roommates.... Lesson learned: I am weak and I am very able to slip and fall and be dragged into temptation and the schemes of the evil one. I need to know, trust and celebrate the Truth that Jesus is sufficient, that Jesus loves me, that Jesus will eventually transform my heart and bring freedom from sexual brokenness, that someday I'll live in a world where I don't have to struggle with this anymore. I must seek out this Jesus and die to the world so that I can find Life in Him.


Some thoughts as I proceed forward.
1) I need to stop thinking I can fix other people, my group, etc. Either I like my group and I'm going to stay or I'm going to leave because I don't feel like I want to wait for something to happen. I think about group outside of group and I feel like we don't get along, we don't really do anything together, like we're not compatible... "it's not you, it's me — thing...." I think I'll give it a week or two more and see how things change, or don't change. Maybe I'll like say something, who knows.

2) I need to work on my dating relationship with Jesus. I know this sounds retarded^2 because Jesus is a dude and dating God is crazy. Anyways, this would be a metaphor for purposefully making time for us to hang out (me, alone without distractions and with God... time to pray and listen, time to read the Word and listen, time to commune with God. I'd love to do this everyday but I can't so maybe I'll start with one or two several hour dates during the week. Perhaps this fall I'll have an evening and/or a morning for time between me and God.

3) Why do I hide who I am; fake who I am?
- I am a saint
- (yet) I sin
- I struggle with the affects of sexual brokenness
- I am hurting
- I am vulnerable
- I am weak but in Christ I am strong.
- I can't change hearts
- I can't fix people
- I can't fix groups
- I can't fix churches
- I must seek wholly after Jesus
- I must increase my knowledge of the Truth, theology.
- I must surround myself with more people who care enough to try to understand what I'm going through and who are open to be used by God to help me find healing.
- I must not be deceived, I cannot do this on my own
- I must find more friends who desire to be oaks of faith in my life.
- I must wait until God calls me out of this season to move as he would have me move.