"The dividing line between good and evil was not between peoples but right down the middle of every human heart."
- Aleksander Solzhenitsyn.
So one of my closest friends tells me today, clearer than I've heard him speak in a while, be careful because I don't want you to be like the White Knight who saves the day and then gets stabbed in the back. He tells me this because I have made a serious error. I have just dived off the side of the pool and while in mid air and unable to do anything about what I have done up to this point, realize that I am diving into the shallow end of the pool. Ahead of me is first a few feet of water followed by an instrument of discipline - the concrete bottom of the pool. I could be paralyzed, I could die. In this moment, I have to realize that God works all things for the greater glory and that he disciplines the ones he loves. The bottom of the pool may appear to be impending doom but in reality, it is his grace for without correction, we would not be able to call ourselves sons and daughters and, in this, we would most likely fall away from the Lord.
My motives and my desires fall within two categories, good and evil. In this situation, God has given me the desire to help those in need and bless them with what he has blessed me with. Unfortunately, the desires and giftings God has given me also lead to sin, especially pride and self-sufficiency. The worst combination of the two is something my friend calls the savior complex - the desire to always come into a situation and fix it regardless of whether or not it's God's will - or even the desire of the people who you want to help. This may be for God's Glory or for my glory but because you did not wait for God's timing, you are not doing this in God's power or of God's blessing and like walking down the up escalator, it will be difficult to accomplish your goals.
God calls us to pick up his easy yoke, pick up his cross and follow him - not chart our own course or to try to find out how much we can do without Him. If it is without Him, it will be fruitless and will burn like the rest of the things of this world. I must desire and ultimately need to be aligned with and following God's will and the shocker today is that I am not necessarily submitting in this.
Certainly I have desires that are not his and even if I say they are his, I know they're not. Of all of my desires, some of those are in line with the heart and will of the Father but when I jump ahead, fill in blanks, don't wait patiently, don't take enough time to listen in the silence - I fail to wait, actively, and do what I think is best which of course is not best and not God's will things blow up in my face (surprise, surprise).... By the time God comes back, I've got a golden calf ready and I'm worshiping it and then — He speaks.
I am the way the truth and the light. Come follow me for my burden is easy and my yoke is light. I am salvation. Choose what is better and it will not be taken away from you. I love you. I died for your sins: past, present, and future. Don't fret for the joy of the Father is found in placing the sheep on his father's shoulders and carrying it all the way home. He disciplines the ones who he loves. He who began a good work in you will carry it to completion.
I must learn what it means to actively wait for God to move and when I know more about this, I'll certainly put it down here.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Paradox
So here's the gist of what is complicating my life this fall.
- One year or so ago, I feel as if God is telling me "be a part of a body of believers near where you live." Simple enough - I went to small group and church services in Westerville, 20 minutes by freeway from my campus area apartment. I love my church but yeah sure, I could change small groups. Nine months, one month ago later I finally do and, well, it was an okay experience.
- Within the last eight months, I felt as if God gave me a burden for a church I used to attend and he did this by a) placing them on my heart, b) by keeping relationships with people there fresh, c) by having them tell me of the crazy stuff going on, and d) by giving me a hope that he could change the things that seemed wrong there.
- Last summer, four months ago, I wanted to go back but then I realized it wasn't the right timing and that I'd be placing myself in the middle of temptation.
- Now, I believe I am to return but events in the short run have me second guessing. (Does this sound like a "previously on Alias" run-down?).
My question now is - would God lead me somewhere that I would disagree with their vision to the point that I would confront the pastor? If God would lead me somewhere like that, why would he do this - either because God wants me to act/confront or because God wants me to pray (or both)? If God's will is for me to share what God has placed on my heart, why do I fear I will be rejected and loose relationships if I follow God's leading. How do I follow God's will and stay true to what he has for me as well as communicate what I need to in a way that is both encouraging and edifying to the Body? Simply put, I don't know how I'm going to survive this and I need your help Lord! For my friends, brothers and sisters in Jesus - please pray for me!
- One year or so ago, I feel as if God is telling me "be a part of a body of believers near where you live." Simple enough - I went to small group and church services in Westerville, 20 minutes by freeway from my campus area apartment. I love my church but yeah sure, I could change small groups. Nine months, one month ago later I finally do and, well, it was an okay experience.
- Within the last eight months, I felt as if God gave me a burden for a church I used to attend and he did this by a) placing them on my heart, b) by keeping relationships with people there fresh, c) by having them tell me of the crazy stuff going on, and d) by giving me a hope that he could change the things that seemed wrong there.
- Last summer, four months ago, I wanted to go back but then I realized it wasn't the right timing and that I'd be placing myself in the middle of temptation.
- Now, I believe I am to return but events in the short run have me second guessing. (Does this sound like a "previously on Alias" run-down?).
My question now is - would God lead me somewhere that I would disagree with their vision to the point that I would confront the pastor? If God would lead me somewhere like that, why would he do this - either because God wants me to act/confront or because God wants me to pray (or both)? If God's will is for me to share what God has placed on my heart, why do I fear I will be rejected and loose relationships if I follow God's leading. How do I follow God's will and stay true to what he has for me as well as communicate what I need to in a way that is both encouraging and edifying to the Body? Simply put, I don't know how I'm going to survive this and I need your help Lord! For my friends, brothers and sisters in Jesus - please pray for me!
Saturday, October 27, 2007
I have a dream - church redefined V1.2
I have a dream of church - the passion God has placed on my life. Here, the functional definition God has brought me to desire...
A healthy, multi-generational church that strives to reach those in its local community - especially the under-served and under-reached.
Healthy - the church must functionally be a whole unit of fellowship which means that beyond God, the church in question requires no outside help from others and could functionally survive and thrive in isolation from other bodies of believers. This doesn't require that it separate its self from other churches but just says that it would still be possible that this church could survive on its own. In addition, the church must preach the Word with its actions and words as well as be true to the Gospel and Jesus Christ. This means the church has a heart for the least, the last, and the lonely and views it as a priority to love people where they're at, helping those in need in real and tangible ways.
Multi-generational - the church has a variety of members who are of different phases of life from youth, young adults, singles, married folk, married folk with kids, grandparents, etc. Knowledge and passion flows between the age groups and people use their gifts to build up their generation and especially the next and those going through transition.
Reach the local community - a church that focuses on the area and the people around it as being a part of the mission field and reduces the unhealthy practice of people leaving their community and driving all over town to go to their church of choice (this is debatable). This is based on the assumption that it is healthier to live lives with others and live in community with them 7 days a week over simply Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. If moving towards an Acts 2 style church is a goal, how will this happen if we all commute to church from different places, etc. How will we know/respond appropriately to those in need in our community if we don't have a community?
Under-served and under-reached - a church that does not value those who are difficult to reach, those who have turned away from God, those who seem indifferent to God, is a church that has turned its back on a population of those God wants to reach and one that has lost faith in God to still do His work here. In this situation, it becomes easy to stereotype a generation and give up on them and this is especially true of twenty-somethings. Here's the truth though - twenty-somethings are looking for God and some churches are helping them find Him! The local church must strive to reach people in its local population - most especially those who are under-served and under-reached by the church at large. The church should make it a strong priority to accomplish these goals in sharing with and eventually discipling new believers but in this task, we must know that the church cannot neglect its other responsibilities to accomplish only this one - most especially neglecting the core membership and leadership of the church.
In order to reach those who are outside of the church, there must be common ground and their must be an attempt to reach them where they're at and allow them to be who God has made them to be. We can't expect them to change overnight or to value all of the things we hold so dear, especially those things that are not biblically required.
Accomplishing The Task: We Need Strong Church Cores That Will Help Us Survive Persecution and Death
Furthermore, just as an athlete needs a lot of core body strength, the church needs a solid core in order to over-extend and reach people. If it doesn't have a strong core, it will pull muscles - effectively wounding people - and long-term neglect could ultimately lead to a church dying. This is of course if God does not intervene and we must realize that God does not always intervene in these situations. If we want to have churches that can stand up to the world, the attacks of the enemy, to rape and abuse, porn and depression, and even great persecutions that some feel are near - it is critical that we build believers and churches that have strong cores, churches that are thriving (in closeness with the Lord) through and through.
We live in a world where the attractive nature of sin that pulls members from the congregation either in whole or in part. We live in a society where as followers of Jesus, we are assured we will carry a cross. We live in a world where it is more than a possibility that we will be tortured and killed for our faith. This is the world we live in. In light of this, as individual believers and as a church body, the question is "do we really believe this whole Jesus thing and if so, will you dedicate 100% of your life toward this cause?" In other words, is this worth dying for? If we really believe these things, we will follow Jesus completely and we will build churches that can help people survive persecution of the World and judgment of the Father.
For the individual, this means living in close communion with God and being willing to do dangerous things for the Lord. For the church, this means giving to the church of time, energy, and heart - seeking to build the church up and to see it radically start changing the lives of its members and reaching the world around it. From this core (of people and faith), the church is built up in the economy of love and grace, creating a place where the wounded can be healed and be released to free other captives (and they will!). A place where the Gospel and the world are reconciled through Jesus. Jesus in his love and compassion is the bridge, we are his saints attending to his desires and being extensions of his love so that his Holy Spirit can come. He works through us to release other believers from bondage and in doing so, he makes us more like himself. Without people going through this change, the glory and the love of Christ cannot be fully shown to the world around us.
Conflict of Focus?
For those afraid that an inward focus on making the church more healthy would detract from the church's evangelical focus, some words.
- First, a healthy church where God moves and frees people from bondage is attractive to most, especially the broken. Jesus said he came to heal the sick and in this, the broken are welcome.
- Second, a thriving church where people really connect with God and see their lives changed by Him will create passionate witnesses out of many. These are people who feel as if Jesus has not only saved them from death but that Jesus is showing them His love and transforming them now. These people, who are truly changed and feel free, are naturally evangelical because these are the people who just can't hold back this secret any longer. In a world that doubts the goodness and even existence of God, there is not a stronger witness than a person who says they have been CHANGED by God.
- Third, a passionate and healthy church with a strong core will keep members, unless they feel called to leave or have to move out of town, allowing for more net ministry as leaders and empowered core people can stay longer, get more training, and have more of an impact. Churches are either growing or dying and in this light, church practices are either sustainable or unsustainable. Passionate believers want to be a part of a church that they believe will have a return for the Kingdom and if the church appears to be dying and involved in unsustainable practices, they'll leave.
Beyond this working, living definition, I guess I'm struggling to come up with a similar, healthy definition for a church that is trying to be a missional outreach toward a specific group of the under-reached. I am struggling to find a counter example with does not fall under the definition of the para-church organization of which I am firmly convinced is not a church, nor healthy or self-sustainable organism. When I finally make the distinction, I'll post it.
11/10/07: This concept will be defined as the "revolving door church." Though it is a concept that is good for reaching people in transient societies, there still seems to be a need for a critical mass of community to help the body continue maturing and seeking after God as well as to help individuals and the church survive the valleys and mountaintops of life.
A healthy, multi-generational church that strives to reach those in its local community - especially the under-served and under-reached.
Healthy - the church must functionally be a whole unit of fellowship which means that beyond God, the church in question requires no outside help from others and could functionally survive and thrive in isolation from other bodies of believers. This doesn't require that it separate its self from other churches but just says that it would still be possible that this church could survive on its own. In addition, the church must preach the Word with its actions and words as well as be true to the Gospel and Jesus Christ. This means the church has a heart for the least, the last, and the lonely and views it as a priority to love people where they're at, helping those in need in real and tangible ways.
Multi-generational - the church has a variety of members who are of different phases of life from youth, young adults, singles, married folk, married folk with kids, grandparents, etc. Knowledge and passion flows between the age groups and people use their gifts to build up their generation and especially the next and those going through transition.
Reach the local community - a church that focuses on the area and the people around it as being a part of the mission field and reduces the unhealthy practice of people leaving their community and driving all over town to go to their church of choice (this is debatable). This is based on the assumption that it is healthier to live lives with others and live in community with them 7 days a week over simply Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. If moving towards an Acts 2 style church is a goal, how will this happen if we all commute to church from different places, etc. How will we know/respond appropriately to those in need in our community if we don't have a community?
Under-served and under-reached - a church that does not value those who are difficult to reach, those who have turned away from God, those who seem indifferent to God, is a church that has turned its back on a population of those God wants to reach and one that has lost faith in God to still do His work here. In this situation, it becomes easy to stereotype a generation and give up on them and this is especially true of twenty-somethings. Here's the truth though - twenty-somethings are looking for God and some churches are helping them find Him! The local church must strive to reach people in its local population - most especially those who are under-served and under-reached by the church at large. The church should make it a strong priority to accomplish these goals in sharing with and eventually discipling new believers but in this task, we must know that the church cannot neglect its other responsibilities to accomplish only this one - most especially neglecting the core membership and leadership of the church.
In order to reach those who are outside of the church, there must be common ground and their must be an attempt to reach them where they're at and allow them to be who God has made them to be. We can't expect them to change overnight or to value all of the things we hold so dear, especially those things that are not biblically required.
Accomplishing The Task: We Need Strong Church Cores That Will Help Us Survive Persecution and Death
Furthermore, just as an athlete needs a lot of core body strength, the church needs a solid core in order to over-extend and reach people. If it doesn't have a strong core, it will pull muscles - effectively wounding people - and long-term neglect could ultimately lead to a church dying. This is of course if God does not intervene and we must realize that God does not always intervene in these situations. If we want to have churches that can stand up to the world, the attacks of the enemy, to rape and abuse, porn and depression, and even great persecutions that some feel are near - it is critical that we build believers and churches that have strong cores, churches that are thriving (in closeness with the Lord) through and through.
We live in a world where the attractive nature of sin that pulls members from the congregation either in whole or in part. We live in a society where as followers of Jesus, we are assured we will carry a cross. We live in a world where it is more than a possibility that we will be tortured and killed for our faith. This is the world we live in. In light of this, as individual believers and as a church body, the question is "do we really believe this whole Jesus thing and if so, will you dedicate 100% of your life toward this cause?" In other words, is this worth dying for? If we really believe these things, we will follow Jesus completely and we will build churches that can help people survive persecution of the World and judgment of the Father.
For the individual, this means living in close communion with God and being willing to do dangerous things for the Lord. For the church, this means giving to the church of time, energy, and heart - seeking to build the church up and to see it radically start changing the lives of its members and reaching the world around it. From this core (of people and faith), the church is built up in the economy of love and grace, creating a place where the wounded can be healed and be released to free other captives (and they will!). A place where the Gospel and the world are reconciled through Jesus. Jesus in his love and compassion is the bridge, we are his saints attending to his desires and being extensions of his love so that his Holy Spirit can come. He works through us to release other believers from bondage and in doing so, he makes us more like himself. Without people going through this change, the glory and the love of Christ cannot be fully shown to the world around us.
Conflict of Focus?
For those afraid that an inward focus on making the church more healthy would detract from the church's evangelical focus, some words.
- First, a healthy church where God moves and frees people from bondage is attractive to most, especially the broken. Jesus said he came to heal the sick and in this, the broken are welcome.
- Second, a thriving church where people really connect with God and see their lives changed by Him will create passionate witnesses out of many. These are people who feel as if Jesus has not only saved them from death but that Jesus is showing them His love and transforming them now. These people, who are truly changed and feel free, are naturally evangelical because these are the people who just can't hold back this secret any longer. In a world that doubts the goodness and even existence of God, there is not a stronger witness than a person who says they have been CHANGED by God.
- Third, a passionate and healthy church with a strong core will keep members, unless they feel called to leave or have to move out of town, allowing for more net ministry as leaders and empowered core people can stay longer, get more training, and have more of an impact. Churches are either growing or dying and in this light, church practices are either sustainable or unsustainable. Passionate believers want to be a part of a church that they believe will have a return for the Kingdom and if the church appears to be dying and involved in unsustainable practices, they'll leave.
Beyond this working, living definition, I guess I'm struggling to come up with a similar, healthy definition for a church that is trying to be a missional outreach toward a specific group of the under-reached. I am struggling to find a counter example with does not fall under the definition of the para-church organization of which I am firmly convinced is not a church, nor healthy or self-sustainable organism. When I finally make the distinction, I'll post it.
11/10/07: This concept will be defined as the "revolving door church." Though it is a concept that is good for reaching people in transient societies, there still seems to be a need for a critical mass of community to help the body continue maturing and seeking after God as well as to help individuals and the church survive the valleys and mountaintops of life.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Sober Up
song: Jason Upton / Faith / "Gideon (Valley/Victory)" & "Freedom Reigns"
There's nothing more sobering than the news a doctor gives you - to go home and prepare to die, there's nothing we can do. They gave that prognosis to my aunt 15 months ago and now, she is finally at the door, the doctors say. Constant pain, infection, and a situation where operating would likely hasten death so she is go home and prepare to die.
And this brings me to a place where I am relatively healthy and yet in bondage to sin, not living fully alive and free in the Lord and it seems pathetic. Furthermore, this is the time where I'm tempted to doubt the Lord and his goodness but I have to remember, and remember I do, that she will be joining Jesus and all of the saints in Heaven. Victory is yours Lord, victory is yours Lord, victory is yours Lord - all of Heaven rejoices.
So I pray God, please bring me strength to see you at work in what seems to be something so horrible and to trust that you will work through this to bring her closer to you as well as the rest of us. I pray that it is the desire of my heart to draw nearer to you and really find the Freedom of the Lord, water to quench my eternal thirst, an end to addiction to porn and need to rely on myself. God change me, change my heart, make me more like you - I pray you'd reign in my heart Father, you'd change me from the inside out, for good. I pray for the day where the wrong becomes right and we can bask in your glory and praise you in the way we were meant to, I pray that you'd continue to win my heart and seal it for you Lord, prepare me for this day... and help me have an desire to stay on fire for you, to trust you, to love you Jesus.
I pray it'd be more than a song but that it would be real...
Whatever you're burdened with tonight, Whatever you struggle with tonight, There is Freedom, There is freedom. Nobody is looking at you tonight. Nobody is looking at you tonight, The eyes of the Lord is moving to and fro throughout the Earth, Seeking an heart that's completely his. Jesus you reign in this place, Showers of mercy and grace, Falling on ev'ry face, There is freedom. (from Freedom Reigns)
And I must keep telling myself that God is saying it now as he was saying it three years ago and will continue saying it:
Don't let anyone, don't let anything hold you back
Don't let anything hold you back, Don't let anything hold you back
Father is calling you. (Come up here (John on the Isle of Patmos version)
Jesus, Have mercy on me! Deliver me from this continual state of running from you and running back to you - change me, take away my addictions and make me more like you - help me find peace, joy, and satisfaction in following you, in serving you - please Lord! Help me follow your word and not let stupid things get in the way between me and you - you want my heart and you want all of it and help me desire to give you all of it! This life is fleeing from me too - help me see that my days are numbered too - help me to make the most of them Lord!
There's nothing more sobering than the news a doctor gives you - to go home and prepare to die, there's nothing we can do. They gave that prognosis to my aunt 15 months ago and now, she is finally at the door, the doctors say. Constant pain, infection, and a situation where operating would likely hasten death so she is go home and prepare to die.
And this brings me to a place where I am relatively healthy and yet in bondage to sin, not living fully alive and free in the Lord and it seems pathetic. Furthermore, this is the time where I'm tempted to doubt the Lord and his goodness but I have to remember, and remember I do, that she will be joining Jesus and all of the saints in Heaven. Victory is yours Lord, victory is yours Lord, victory is yours Lord - all of Heaven rejoices.
So I pray God, please bring me strength to see you at work in what seems to be something so horrible and to trust that you will work through this to bring her closer to you as well as the rest of us. I pray that it is the desire of my heart to draw nearer to you and really find the Freedom of the Lord, water to quench my eternal thirst, an end to addiction to porn and need to rely on myself. God change me, change my heart, make me more like you - I pray you'd reign in my heart Father, you'd change me from the inside out, for good. I pray for the day where the wrong becomes right and we can bask in your glory and praise you in the way we were meant to, I pray that you'd continue to win my heart and seal it for you Lord, prepare me for this day... and help me have an desire to stay on fire for you, to trust you, to love you Jesus.
I pray it'd be more than a song but that it would be real...
Whatever you're burdened with tonight, Whatever you struggle with tonight, There is Freedom, There is freedom. Nobody is looking at you tonight. Nobody is looking at you tonight, The eyes of the Lord is moving to and fro throughout the Earth, Seeking an heart that's completely his. Jesus you reign in this place, Showers of mercy and grace, Falling on ev'ry face, There is freedom. (from Freedom Reigns)
And I must keep telling myself that God is saying it now as he was saying it three years ago and will continue saying it:
Don't let anyone, don't let anything hold you back
Don't let anything hold you back, Don't let anything hold you back
Father is calling you. (Come up here (John on the Isle of Patmos version)
Jesus, Have mercy on me! Deliver me from this continual state of running from you and running back to you - change me, take away my addictions and make me more like you - help me find peace, joy, and satisfaction in following you, in serving you - please Lord! Help me follow your word and not let stupid things get in the way between me and you - you want my heart and you want all of it and help me desire to give you all of it! This life is fleeing from me too - help me see that my days are numbered too - help me to make the most of them Lord!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Life as I know it
I am broken like a vase that fell off the top shelf, like a window just after the baseball flies through it, like a building just imploded for demolition.
Without Jesus there would be no hope. I would be known by who I am - a depressed, compulsive, codependent, socially awkward, control freak guy who is addicted to porn and questions his faith daily, sometimes hourly. There would be no hope. My future would be to fall further into a life of sexual brokenness and isolation until I do unthinkable things - I must stop here. I must stop because one, it is sad and two, on some level I already feel condemned.
I must trust that Jesus was the son of God, was born to Mary, revealed himself as the Savior of the world, was chosen by God and that Jesus, himself, freely chose to die on a cross for my sins (of which are very numerous) and rose from the dead to sit on the right hand of God, in heaven and that so by believing, trusting, and living in him and accepting the Holy Spirit, I might find solace in the fact that though I am depraved, though this is a depressing and evil world, I have been redeemed by grace and no longer have to be chained to the evil of this world or of my heart. That I at any time, just as I did the first time, can repent from the evil, embrace Jesus and start anew. This could be daily, it probably needs to be hourly yet we feel like turning toward the Lord less often. This its self is a source of pain in my life.
Less obvious than to the average person, the one who struggles with an addiction is constantly choosing between Christ and his or her desire. The addiction attempts to destroy your soul and turn you from the one who can heal you, who can oust the evil that defies your attempts to free yourself. The words I heard today to inspire me to write on this - we must admit as we live our lives that we are at war. I am at war with evil in my life and at this time in my life, I feel like I'm losing battle after battle but I know that Jesus will be victorious, I will be healed and one day dwell with the saints in heaven, worshiping the Father because he is good and for all of the good things he has done. Believing this requires faith, of which the conviction never seems strong enough to thwart the temptation to sin.
The solace here is Jesus knows where I am at, who I am in him, still loves me, still has a plan and a desire to see me healed and brought home and is actively working to free me from web of evil that has infected my heart, life, mind, soul. In Jesus there is no condemnation and in him there is hope in the faith that he will complete the work, bring healing to my life, will make me like Jesus more and more and in this hope, I am thankful! This doesn't null my desires for evil but it provides a bright point of light in a dark time - my aunt dying of liver failure, my parents struggling to keep up on their own power as well as me dealing with friends who do not act as brothers, churches who continue to fall short and sin against people I love, and myself - dealing with issues that rock my core: selfishness, lust, anger, addiction, depression.
In the eight years I've known Jesus, there has been no other time in my life where I needed Jesus more than today. I have no proof for the existence of God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit but I have experienced them moving in my life and in the lives of those around me in the last eight years. They have testified to their presence and I cry out now, Jesus, have mercy on me! Change my heart Lord, make me more like you, make me more whole, make me love with reckless abandon, allow me to have joy again and prosper in your ways Lord. Jesus, have mercy on me.
Without Jesus there would be no hope. I would be known by who I am - a depressed, compulsive, codependent, socially awkward, control freak guy who is addicted to porn and questions his faith daily, sometimes hourly. There would be no hope. My future would be to fall further into a life of sexual brokenness and isolation until I do unthinkable things - I must stop here. I must stop because one, it is sad and two, on some level I already feel condemned.
I must trust that Jesus was the son of God, was born to Mary, revealed himself as the Savior of the world, was chosen by God and that Jesus, himself, freely chose to die on a cross for my sins (of which are very numerous) and rose from the dead to sit on the right hand of God, in heaven and that so by believing, trusting, and living in him and accepting the Holy Spirit, I might find solace in the fact that though I am depraved, though this is a depressing and evil world, I have been redeemed by grace and no longer have to be chained to the evil of this world or of my heart. That I at any time, just as I did the first time, can repent from the evil, embrace Jesus and start anew. This could be daily, it probably needs to be hourly yet we feel like turning toward the Lord less often. This its self is a source of pain in my life.
Less obvious than to the average person, the one who struggles with an addiction is constantly choosing between Christ and his or her desire. The addiction attempts to destroy your soul and turn you from the one who can heal you, who can oust the evil that defies your attempts to free yourself. The words I heard today to inspire me to write on this - we must admit as we live our lives that we are at war. I am at war with evil in my life and at this time in my life, I feel like I'm losing battle after battle but I know that Jesus will be victorious, I will be healed and one day dwell with the saints in heaven, worshiping the Father because he is good and for all of the good things he has done. Believing this requires faith, of which the conviction never seems strong enough to thwart the temptation to sin.
The solace here is Jesus knows where I am at, who I am in him, still loves me, still has a plan and a desire to see me healed and brought home and is actively working to free me from web of evil that has infected my heart, life, mind, soul. In Jesus there is no condemnation and in him there is hope in the faith that he will complete the work, bring healing to my life, will make me like Jesus more and more and in this hope, I am thankful! This doesn't null my desires for evil but it provides a bright point of light in a dark time - my aunt dying of liver failure, my parents struggling to keep up on their own power as well as me dealing with friends who do not act as brothers, churches who continue to fall short and sin against people I love, and myself - dealing with issues that rock my core: selfishness, lust, anger, addiction, depression.
In the eight years I've known Jesus, there has been no other time in my life where I needed Jesus more than today. I have no proof for the existence of God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit but I have experienced them moving in my life and in the lives of those around me in the last eight years. They have testified to their presence and I cry out now, Jesus, have mercy on me! Change my heart Lord, make me more like you, make me more whole, make me love with reckless abandon, allow me to have joy again and prosper in your ways Lord. Jesus, have mercy on me.
First
This isn't my first blog - the first was bitchy, the second was raw, and this one will be something else, I hope. When I made such a bold comment the last time I switched it up, a friend commented that he thought I was aspiring for something else and well, I now wish to say that I don't want to make any promises that I can't keep. These are my ramblings, feelings, place in life. I want to be real and I want you to realize that some of this will be ugly and some of it will bring a smile to your face. I now understand that blogging is not a substitute for real quality time with friends and family, brothers and sisters in Christ. If you want to be one of these people, contact me.
The Christian life is about sharing life together and here is an attempt to share my life with readers who don't know me and of course those who do yet don't get a chance to talk to me very often - more than I would wish but what can you do about this? For those who feel I may be saying too much about you or others, please contact me and we will resolve this. I don't want to rumor, to spread inaccurate ideas or concepts, etc. Because of that, I have to watch myself and shield this site from those kinds of discussions and if I don't, call me out - please.
The Christian life is about sharing life together and here is an attempt to share my life with readers who don't know me and of course those who do yet don't get a chance to talk to me very often - more than I would wish but what can you do about this? For those who feel I may be saying too much about you or others, please contact me and we will resolve this. I don't want to rumor, to spread inaccurate ideas or concepts, etc. Because of that, I have to watch myself and shield this site from those kinds of discussions and if I don't, call me out - please.
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