Crazy September

I want to say this first, I hate facebook. That's right, facebook — step off! What did facebook do you may ask? First and foremost it ruined my life, chance of having a livelihood, children, retirement, etc. We're suing.... No really, I hate that everyone posts pictures of me that are embarrassing, unflattering, and perhaps worse. I could remove the tags but actions in the virtual have affects in reality. That's short for there will be hell to pay. One issue at a time I guess.

Beyond facebook, can I say that it seems like life can really suck at times. These have been crazy months, months where I've tried to avoid Jesus, got myself in over my head in a relationship, and found that life is hard and can really suck sometimes. Okay, that's circular but you get to where I'm at and then we'll talk. It's times like these that make me say I hate the world and Jesus, come get me, we're going home or at least somewhere else because I thought we were going to the ice rink or skateworld or something. This is not skateworld damn-it!

I hate the fact that I have so many commitments. Today, I pissed into a cup and if that and a background check come back alright, I should begin training to be a CSR at Safelite Autoglass. This is a F*CKING BLESSING at the point where any further (within two months) and I'd be moving home to live with my parents and look for something there — where unemployment is +2% worse, pay is dismal, and young people flee. And I felt like it could work because I miss my parents some and don't want to deal with relationships in Columbus anymore. Nothing against people here and I've got a few great friendships but I get no time to myself and feel like text messages and commitments are breathing down my neck. I know I'm the messed up one here, no one else is at fault. In fact, everyone else, especially my girl, has done an excellent job of giving me space but I still feel enclosed and drowning.

And it is in times like these that wholesale changes need to happen because I'm tired of doing the status quo. What that means? I'm not sure. I thought about changing my name on facebook but instead I decided to limit security settings even more. Next, I may un-tag every single freaking photograph and ask my friends not to post or tag me in their photos, at least to use some discretion. I know I'm 25 but I'm sure that my friend's moms and potential employers don't need to see me with that crazy freaking smile or drunk-like blank stair that sometimes I have. Image isn't everything but it's important and I don't need the stress of thinking that people can see those images and that those kinds of things could be used to discriminate or at least misinform them of who I am. It's not like every photo is me holding a red cup and actually very few if any actually show me consuming any alcohol. The issue is a lack of discretion and before I know it, there will be a thousand photos posted and for what? So stalkers and future employers can rustle through them? So I can feel embarrassed all over again when I look at photos that show me doing weird things?

Am I being paranoid and freaked out too much here? Probably.

At this point to try to summarize things. I don't feel like many people get me, accept me, or really know anything else for that matter. That's okay but I'm not living a life that's true to Jesus or myself. This blog post is stuff seeping out of the wound. I need time and more of a desire to seek out Jesus and when I have so many surfacy relationships (sugar) and responsibilities I question how I can juggle everything (aka sour stomach from eating too much sugar). It's not the fault of the people I'm in relationship with but I need more space, lots more space.

A small but important victory — I am going to no longer try to impress or worry about impressing my small group leaders. The co-dependency in that relationship is going away and I hope it goes for good. Too be honest, I wish all the dependency would go away in all my relationships but that may take some time, hard conversations, and discipline to pursue what is most important in this life — loving and pursuing Jesus, loving myself, loving others, etc. Life was meant to be about more than all of this and I think I need to go on a sugar diet to find out.