God, please help me. I am adulterous — seemingly always chasing the greener grass. I am not satisfied with what others find sufficient. I feel disillusioned and confused. Please help me.
Yes, Matt Chandler of the Village Church messed my life up. This is what a friend of mine told me last Tuesday and this is what I type this morning. For this I am very thankful for if he didn't mess my life up, I would probably still be stuck where I was just 9 months ago.
In short, here are my thoughts. I now believe I have a greater understanding of the affect of bad theology and teaching on the church. I also feel as if my theological construction has been changed. Now, in loose terms, I feel as if it is centered around a theology of God cares most about his Glory and that our response is to realize our place in creation and give him the glory he deserves and desires.
This theology isn't a product of my church, it's a product of listening to Chandler's podcasts and conversations that I have with two friends of mine, Brandon and Michael. What I get from my church is, well, not as crisp and clean and clear as I would hope and this makes me pause and ask why. I don't want to make sweeping allegations and condemn a host of people, including myself, to some label but I can say that this kind of state of conflict between what I believe and what my church preaches causes inner strife.
My response has been "I can't podcast friendships." In essence, I believe that being a part of a local community of believers - be that a small group or small church - is where one and others get to use Gifts to build each other up and to glorify Christ, to dive into scripture, to exercise discipline, to admonish and encourage, to pray and to fast. One can't podcast that. So, I attend a local fellowship of believers and the church of which they belong to.
This local fellowship of believers is a small group. A group with leaders that I have a hard time trusting for two reasons: 1) I have trust issues, and 2) I sometimes object to what I see happening and what I hear spoken out of their leadership. My response is to try to be faithful (which is why I'm cutting them down here?) and give grace but it weighs on me. I don't want to be the judge. In fact feeling the way I do and trying to faithful is hard! As for the people, they're cool and they're on fire but I still feel separated and I've been there for more than three months. Fridays and Saturdays I sit at home unless I'm invited by my roommate to tag along, i.e. play the third wheel with a group of people. It is not always like this but my hope of something better is slowly dying. I've got to drop my expectations for these people because, like myself, they're sinful people.... That doesn't mean giving up the dream and it doesn't mean that I stop being proactive... but it may mean that I stop viewing these things as expectations of others.
This local church is one of the largest in Columbus and does many great things. They strive to really impact our city in a number of great ways and there are lofty goals for seeing Justice, but I am vigilante. I won't claim that we are Justice focused to the point that it supplants the Gospel. It isn't as overt. It is as if the correct theological angle (Glory first) is assumed but not proclaimed. As a result, there are many with varying opinions who suffer the affects of what I'd call "bad theology"* in their lives. I would suspect that a pastor would notice and preach to dispel the bad theology or stumbling block but this has yet to occur. So how do I respond? Do I hurdle stones, cause dissension? I guess I should pray.
Can I say it is hard to have faith in such matters? I am a member and I tithe and yet I would prefer to assume that our young adult ministry is not a part of the mother church, I would prefer to wear rose colored glasses and be ignorant of the things I see and hear but usually I can't and judgmentalism, cynicism, and bitterness take hold. I find it hard to trust almost all. Where does one draw the line and say, "that's it, I will no longer support this organization of which I am a member of!"
Jesus, Believers, please respond. On one hand, I don't want to church hop for the rest of my life. I don't want to be that guy who sits above from the seer's tower to judge the rest. Yet, I see and hear (rumors) things that if I had a viable alternative church and I knew I'd be staying in this city for more than a year, I'd change churches. To me, some of these things are that big of a deal but for some reason (sin), I can't find it in me to offer grace.
So when a friend of mine, who I'd describe as a near Christian automaton**, told me she likes to listen to podcasted sermons, I gave her the gift of Chandler. A few weeks later, she said that Jesus called her a Pharisee and that she was going to try to ditch the need to do things because she felt like she should. Last Tuesday, my follow up advice sounded like this.
Pray and ask God to tell you what to do. Don't just do stuff because you felt like you should or because you felt like it was right or that it was what was expected of you. Cling to Jesus and the Scriptures, not the twisted expectations of sinful people and their perception of what is righteousness.... Though you feel like you're not being fed at your small group, be faithful to your small group and your commitments and look for how Christ is working through you and is working through them. There are no perfect small groups but you have a choice as for how you will respond and whether that response will bring honor or dishonor to the Father.
As for myself, I hope that my response has not given dishonor to the Father but I don't know if there's ever been a church that I've been a part of that I have honored. I am critical, very critical. Lord, how should I respond when I see things that I don't like, things that give me the willies, things that scream unacceptable and wrong. I will not offer a list but the things that have happened to make me feel the way I have include weak small groups, worshiping community, weak and sometimes incorrect teaching on core issues, bad treatment of several church employees, etc. Is this par for the course regarding mega-churches? How do I respond? How do I avoid falling into sin by judging them? How do I change the organization? Is changing the organization something I can do, should do, have a responsibility to do? Is such an action a threat to leadership, is it dissension worthy?
I want to be faithful with what the Lord has given me so for now, this is what I try to do. I stay in my small group; I continue tithing; I love, encourage, admonish my brothers and sisters; I stay away from those who appear to have a lack of respect for God, the Scriptures, and the Church. I should pray more for my church and pray that I will find people and a community that gets it better.
*Bad Theology: Theology that isn't true. Sounds simple but it's complicated from my perspective. I am surrounded by many who in Western fashion view their theology as the way things are and when they encounter things that are sinful, they abstract issues in their life and try to focus on these things. This causes shame and anguish and makes people feel like they're a bad witness. If they "do it right" then they look pretty and can be accepted. This seems to be an outgrowth of self-righteousness rather than a faith that wells up from the work Christ is doing in one's heart. A more correct theology is realizing who God is, that he desires his Glory above all else, a realization of who we are and a realization that growing in and being transformed by Christ gives him Glory and that he is a much better leader than we are when it comes to life transformation. This requires a significant leaning in on Christ and the Scriptures, of which cannot be changed (or interpreted) to allow the sinful issues or acts to appear to be acceptable in the Scriptures.
**Christian Automaton: again, the christian automaton is one who is obsessed with doing it right, following the rules, being accepted, and who doesn't know why they do the things they do and always feels guilty about not doing the things they know they should. The desire and guilt do not come from the Father but rather from the Flesh or other demons. These people are locked into an autopilot state where they just do what's expected, being too busy for God. When they fail to do what's expected, it can become a cycle of self-hatred especially when the issues are related to sexual addition.
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