I am frustrated as I sit at a red light on Sawmill and 161.
I had gone out to get gas, driving to a station I thought had cheap gas but had raised their prices. Then I drove to Target and realize just as I pull into the parking lot that I didn't know everything I needed to know for the purchase I wanted to make there. Now, on my way back, my stomach is grumbling too much to make my final stop — reading and enjoying a venti six-pump chai with soy. With so many choices and a stomach now growling, I decide to go home. But these are not the reasons why I am upset.
Confusion like this is normal for me, especially while I'm stressed but these are the reasons why I'm frustrated. I am frustrated for several reasons — all of which I feel I have little if any control over.
Yesterday, I traveled to Logan with a long-time friend named Sara. We were driving to visit Mike, a good friend of both of ours who lives in Japan but had come home for the Holidays. It was a good time and I miss Mike. Sara and I have a lot in common, especially when it comes to wounding. Last night I took time to pray for her because I believe God desires to bring healing into our lives. God showed up and that was cool. She thanked me for being one of the very few people she knows who cares enough about her to take the time to pray.
This all comes within hours of a complaint session in the car about how I struggle to trust my church, my small group, and especially my douche-bag friends. Like most nights of the week, I am sitting in my home alone. (A roommate is playing games up stairs so yes, alone.) I feel like I'm stuck in this church, this group, this network of friends who do not understand what friendship, what life together really means. This is why I am frustrated.
The friends I care about, who I want to be in relationship with never call me. And now my phone rings . . . and it's another friend of mine - also named Mike. Mike noticed that I put something on my Facebook about being bored tonight so we're meeting up at Starbucks.
How I proceed with my discontentment is something I am starting to see will be a test for my life. Do I take it to the Lord, do I try to find my own answer, or do I do nothing. In general, my response is do nothing (... that is I talk to people about it — while not necessarily being as honoring or respectful as I should be).
My meeting at Starbucks with Mike was, well, along such lines and we have yet to come to any conclusions as for how we should respond. While sipping my Chai, we pondered whether a discussion with a Pastor about such things may be helpful. I remain pessimistic but may give it a try. In spite of the desire to work things out, I'm starting to think that joining a multi-generational church or small group (of which has a high view of Jesus and the Authority of the Scriptures) may be prudent step. Though I don't want to claim that my church doesn't have a high view of Jesus or the Authority of the Scriptures, saying (statements of belief) one does and acting (actions of the church, theological framework and subject of preaching) as if one does are two different things. Such things are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Matt Chandler messed my life up
God, please help me. I am adulterous — seemingly always chasing the greener grass. I am not satisfied with what others find sufficient. I feel disillusioned and confused. Please help me.
Yes, Matt Chandler of the Village Church messed my life up. This is what a friend of mine told me last Tuesday and this is what I type this morning. For this I am very thankful for if he didn't mess my life up, I would probably still be stuck where I was just 9 months ago.
In short, here are my thoughts. I now believe I have a greater understanding of the affect of bad theology and teaching on the church. I also feel as if my theological construction has been changed. Now, in loose terms, I feel as if it is centered around a theology of God cares most about his Glory and that our response is to realize our place in creation and give him the glory he deserves and desires.
This theology isn't a product of my church, it's a product of listening to Chandler's podcasts and conversations that I have with two friends of mine, Brandon and Michael. What I get from my church is, well, not as crisp and clean and clear as I would hope and this makes me pause and ask why. I don't want to make sweeping allegations and condemn a host of people, including myself, to some label but I can say that this kind of state of conflict between what I believe and what my church preaches causes inner strife.
My response has been "I can't podcast friendships." In essence, I believe that being a part of a local community of believers - be that a small group or small church - is where one and others get to use Gifts to build each other up and to glorify Christ, to dive into scripture, to exercise discipline, to admonish and encourage, to pray and to fast. One can't podcast that. So, I attend a local fellowship of believers and the church of which they belong to.
This local fellowship of believers is a small group. A group with leaders that I have a hard time trusting for two reasons: 1) I have trust issues, and 2) I sometimes object to what I see happening and what I hear spoken out of their leadership. My response is to try to be faithful (which is why I'm cutting them down here?) and give grace but it weighs on me. I don't want to be the judge. In fact feeling the way I do and trying to faithful is hard! As for the people, they're cool and they're on fire but I still feel separated and I've been there for more than three months. Fridays and Saturdays I sit at home unless I'm invited by my roommate to tag along, i.e. play the third wheel with a group of people. It is not always like this but my hope of something better is slowly dying. I've got to drop my expectations for these people because, like myself, they're sinful people.... That doesn't mean giving up the dream and it doesn't mean that I stop being proactive... but it may mean that I stop viewing these things as expectations of others.
This local church is one of the largest in Columbus and does many great things. They strive to really impact our city in a number of great ways and there are lofty goals for seeing Justice, but I am vigilante. I won't claim that we are Justice focused to the point that it supplants the Gospel. It isn't as overt. It is as if the correct theological angle (Glory first) is assumed but not proclaimed. As a result, there are many with varying opinions who suffer the affects of what I'd call "bad theology"* in their lives. I would suspect that a pastor would notice and preach to dispel the bad theology or stumbling block but this has yet to occur. So how do I respond? Do I hurdle stones, cause dissension? I guess I should pray.
Can I say it is hard to have faith in such matters? I am a member and I tithe and yet I would prefer to assume that our young adult ministry is not a part of the mother church, I would prefer to wear rose colored glasses and be ignorant of the things I see and hear but usually I can't and judgmentalism, cynicism, and bitterness take hold. I find it hard to trust almost all. Where does one draw the line and say, "that's it, I will no longer support this organization of which I am a member of!"
Jesus, Believers, please respond. On one hand, I don't want to church hop for the rest of my life. I don't want to be that guy who sits above from the seer's tower to judge the rest. Yet, I see and hear (rumors) things that if I had a viable alternative church and I knew I'd be staying in this city for more than a year, I'd change churches. To me, some of these things are that big of a deal but for some reason (sin), I can't find it in me to offer grace.
So when a friend of mine, who I'd describe as a near Christian automaton**, told me she likes to listen to podcasted sermons, I gave her the gift of Chandler. A few weeks later, she said that Jesus called her a Pharisee and that she was going to try to ditch the need to do things because she felt like she should. Last Tuesday, my follow up advice sounded like this.
Pray and ask God to tell you what to do. Don't just do stuff because you felt like you should or because you felt like it was right or that it was what was expected of you. Cling to Jesus and the Scriptures, not the twisted expectations of sinful people and their perception of what is righteousness.... Though you feel like you're not being fed at your small group, be faithful to your small group and your commitments and look for how Christ is working through you and is working through them. There are no perfect small groups but you have a choice as for how you will respond and whether that response will bring honor or dishonor to the Father.
As for myself, I hope that my response has not given dishonor to the Father but I don't know if there's ever been a church that I've been a part of that I have honored. I am critical, very critical. Lord, how should I respond when I see things that I don't like, things that give me the willies, things that scream unacceptable and wrong. I will not offer a list but the things that have happened to make me feel the way I have include weak small groups, worshiping community, weak and sometimes incorrect teaching on core issues, bad treatment of several church employees, etc. Is this par for the course regarding mega-churches? How do I respond? How do I avoid falling into sin by judging them? How do I change the organization? Is changing the organization something I can do, should do, have a responsibility to do? Is such an action a threat to leadership, is it dissension worthy?
I want to be faithful with what the Lord has given me so for now, this is what I try to do. I stay in my small group; I continue tithing; I love, encourage, admonish my brothers and sisters; I stay away from those who appear to have a lack of respect for God, the Scriptures, and the Church. I should pray more for my church and pray that I will find people and a community that gets it better.
*Bad Theology: Theology that isn't true. Sounds simple but it's complicated from my perspective. I am surrounded by many who in Western fashion view their theology as the way things are and when they encounter things that are sinful, they abstract issues in their life and try to focus on these things. This causes shame and anguish and makes people feel like they're a bad witness. If they "do it right" then they look pretty and can be accepted. This seems to be an outgrowth of self-righteousness rather than a faith that wells up from the work Christ is doing in one's heart. A more correct theology is realizing who God is, that he desires his Glory above all else, a realization of who we are and a realization that growing in and being transformed by Christ gives him Glory and that he is a much better leader than we are when it comes to life transformation. This requires a significant leaning in on Christ and the Scriptures, of which cannot be changed (or interpreted) to allow the sinful issues or acts to appear to be acceptable in the Scriptures.
**Christian Automaton: again, the christian automaton is one who is obsessed with doing it right, following the rules, being accepted, and who doesn't know why they do the things they do and always feels guilty about not doing the things they know they should. The desire and guilt do not come from the Father but rather from the Flesh or other demons. These people are locked into an autopilot state where they just do what's expected, being too busy for God. When they fail to do what's expected, it can become a cycle of self-hatred especially when the issues are related to sexual addition.
Yes, Matt Chandler of the Village Church messed my life up. This is what a friend of mine told me last Tuesday and this is what I type this morning. For this I am very thankful for if he didn't mess my life up, I would probably still be stuck where I was just 9 months ago.
In short, here are my thoughts. I now believe I have a greater understanding of the affect of bad theology and teaching on the church. I also feel as if my theological construction has been changed. Now, in loose terms, I feel as if it is centered around a theology of God cares most about his Glory and that our response is to realize our place in creation and give him the glory he deserves and desires.
This theology isn't a product of my church, it's a product of listening to Chandler's podcasts and conversations that I have with two friends of mine, Brandon and Michael. What I get from my church is, well, not as crisp and clean and clear as I would hope and this makes me pause and ask why. I don't want to make sweeping allegations and condemn a host of people, including myself, to some label but I can say that this kind of state of conflict between what I believe and what my church preaches causes inner strife.
My response has been "I can't podcast friendships." In essence, I believe that being a part of a local community of believers - be that a small group or small church - is where one and others get to use Gifts to build each other up and to glorify Christ, to dive into scripture, to exercise discipline, to admonish and encourage, to pray and to fast. One can't podcast that. So, I attend a local fellowship of believers and the church of which they belong to.
This local fellowship of believers is a small group. A group with leaders that I have a hard time trusting for two reasons: 1) I have trust issues, and 2) I sometimes object to what I see happening and what I hear spoken out of their leadership. My response is to try to be faithful (which is why I'm cutting them down here?) and give grace but it weighs on me. I don't want to be the judge. In fact feeling the way I do and trying to faithful is hard! As for the people, they're cool and they're on fire but I still feel separated and I've been there for more than three months. Fridays and Saturdays I sit at home unless I'm invited by my roommate to tag along, i.e. play the third wheel with a group of people. It is not always like this but my hope of something better is slowly dying. I've got to drop my expectations for these people because, like myself, they're sinful people.... That doesn't mean giving up the dream and it doesn't mean that I stop being proactive... but it may mean that I stop viewing these things as expectations of others.
This local church is one of the largest in Columbus and does many great things. They strive to really impact our city in a number of great ways and there are lofty goals for seeing Justice, but I am vigilante. I won't claim that we are Justice focused to the point that it supplants the Gospel. It isn't as overt. It is as if the correct theological angle (Glory first) is assumed but not proclaimed. As a result, there are many with varying opinions who suffer the affects of what I'd call "bad theology"* in their lives. I would suspect that a pastor would notice and preach to dispel the bad theology or stumbling block but this has yet to occur. So how do I respond? Do I hurdle stones, cause dissension? I guess I should pray.
Can I say it is hard to have faith in such matters? I am a member and I tithe and yet I would prefer to assume that our young adult ministry is not a part of the mother church, I would prefer to wear rose colored glasses and be ignorant of the things I see and hear but usually I can't and judgmentalism, cynicism, and bitterness take hold. I find it hard to trust almost all. Where does one draw the line and say, "that's it, I will no longer support this organization of which I am a member of!"
Jesus, Believers, please respond. On one hand, I don't want to church hop for the rest of my life. I don't want to be that guy who sits above from the seer's tower to judge the rest. Yet, I see and hear (rumors) things that if I had a viable alternative church and I knew I'd be staying in this city for more than a year, I'd change churches. To me, some of these things are that big of a deal but for some reason (sin), I can't find it in me to offer grace.
So when a friend of mine, who I'd describe as a near Christian automaton**, told me she likes to listen to podcasted sermons, I gave her the gift of Chandler. A few weeks later, she said that Jesus called her a Pharisee and that she was going to try to ditch the need to do things because she felt like she should. Last Tuesday, my follow up advice sounded like this.
Pray and ask God to tell you what to do. Don't just do stuff because you felt like you should or because you felt like it was right or that it was what was expected of you. Cling to Jesus and the Scriptures, not the twisted expectations of sinful people and their perception of what is righteousness.... Though you feel like you're not being fed at your small group, be faithful to your small group and your commitments and look for how Christ is working through you and is working through them. There are no perfect small groups but you have a choice as for how you will respond and whether that response will bring honor or dishonor to the Father.
As for myself, I hope that my response has not given dishonor to the Father but I don't know if there's ever been a church that I've been a part of that I have honored. I am critical, very critical. Lord, how should I respond when I see things that I don't like, things that give me the willies, things that scream unacceptable and wrong. I will not offer a list but the things that have happened to make me feel the way I have include weak small groups, worshiping community, weak and sometimes incorrect teaching on core issues, bad treatment of several church employees, etc. Is this par for the course regarding mega-churches? How do I respond? How do I avoid falling into sin by judging them? How do I change the organization? Is changing the organization something I can do, should do, have a responsibility to do? Is such an action a threat to leadership, is it dissension worthy?
I want to be faithful with what the Lord has given me so for now, this is what I try to do. I stay in my small group; I continue tithing; I love, encourage, admonish my brothers and sisters; I stay away from those who appear to have a lack of respect for God, the Scriptures, and the Church. I should pray more for my church and pray that I will find people and a community that gets it better.
*Bad Theology: Theology that isn't true. Sounds simple but it's complicated from my perspective. I am surrounded by many who in Western fashion view their theology as the way things are and when they encounter things that are sinful, they abstract issues in their life and try to focus on these things. This causes shame and anguish and makes people feel like they're a bad witness. If they "do it right" then they look pretty and can be accepted. This seems to be an outgrowth of self-righteousness rather than a faith that wells up from the work Christ is doing in one's heart. A more correct theology is realizing who God is, that he desires his Glory above all else, a realization of who we are and a realization that growing in and being transformed by Christ gives him Glory and that he is a much better leader than we are when it comes to life transformation. This requires a significant leaning in on Christ and the Scriptures, of which cannot be changed (or interpreted) to allow the sinful issues or acts to appear to be acceptable in the Scriptures.
**Christian Automaton: again, the christian automaton is one who is obsessed with doing it right, following the rules, being accepted, and who doesn't know why they do the things they do and always feels guilty about not doing the things they know they should. The desire and guilt do not come from the Father but rather from the Flesh or other demons. These people are locked into an autopilot state where they just do what's expected, being too busy for God. When they fail to do what's expected, it can become a cycle of self-hatred especially when the issues are related to sexual addition.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Reject the West, Embrace the Truth
Well, I'm done with this quarter. Yes, I frequently update this blog!
Some thoughts before I go to bed.
1) I don't always feel like it but the feeling is slowly returning, a feeling of joy and thankfulness that Jesus Christ died for me too and that he loves me and that he is going to see me through this time in my life — of which I can only really describe as a re-hardening of my heart.
2) Christians and the Church need to drop this Western view of self, purpose, vision, church and other people. Notions like making projects out of people, being purposeful about sharing Jesus with people, pushing one's self to advance particular aspects of who Jesus is or what the church is about... it is unnatural and it can make others feel un-human. In short, there are other ways to be true to who God is and be true to Jesus, the Savior we love so much. In short, the West believes in the division of roles and occupations for individuals such as "I am a teacher" or "I am a police officer." This may be how the West works but one can't say about (for lack of better words) the economy of Christian Faith, I'm the pastor and I fulfill my role to take care of your spiritual needs and because you are the CEO, you pay me back with tithes. There is some division of gifting and roles but no "outsourcing" of the faith. Further in this construction, you don't exist to make people projects or to walk into a room and tell the Lord, "this is what I will do for you here, I am so thankful that you're using me as a tool (or accepting my work) to bring you Glory and advance your Kingdom." This paradigm is folly and heretical and must stop.
3) Flipping the West upside down — Christ transforms us and flips everything upside down — the Western perspective of 'now I'll do something purposeful for God' is naive, misguided, and can be damaging to you and others. It isn't so much about what I should "do" but it is more about seeking and following Jesus and watching as the rest follows. To do this, you must destroy all preconceived notions of what seeking and following Jesus are supposed to look like. Don't seek to hatch plans about how we'll now purposefully strive to do X, Y, and Z and then ask God to bless it — this is so Western, this is so deceitful! Instead, pursue Jesus and move as he leads you, period.
4) Preaching the Gospel: without words - If you want a heart for others, start praying for them secretly. If you want to reach people, start by being friends. Have no more expectation than to be friends. Share what Jesus has done in your life only if asked. Share how Jesus thinks of them only if asked. People are not projects, they're people. Don't insert your life into others just to share Jesus with them — this is hypocritical, a bad witness, and will bring defame the Father. Live a life transformed that brings no shame or disgrace to the Father but rather that is a life of thankfulness, a life of Honor and service to the Lord. In the words of St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words."
5) Preaching the Gospel: with words - Be bold with the Gospel when such time presents its self and in places where it is acceptable but do not push the Gospel onto people when the time is not right. Good times to be bold are in situations where people come to you wanting to know more and perhaps at other opportune times. Examples include offering prayer for people in a park or on campus, and even preaching about Jesus in a public place so long as you're preaching about the goodness of Jesus, not Jesus and something else (i.e. conservatism, doctrine, dogma, etc.).
6) Things have their place... The Church: a true witness of the Lord, declaring Truth by scripture and deed, through relationships and charity. Preaching nothing short of the Truth, nothing short of Jesus. Seeking to chase after everything God would have for us. Seeking to display the full manifold wisdom of God!
7) We live in such a narcissistic generation. Columbus, this city I reside in, is full of up and coming young people who are clamoring to be more attractive, desirable, educated, and get their butts out of this city to pursue greener grass somewhere else. I am one of these prideful, narcissistic people. There is no love, no time to listen, to desire to pray, no desire to make room for the new people... none of these things unless we think we have something to gain such as brownie points with God, acceptance in our groups, or some other vain desire. Our lives, our churches and our small groups need to be places where there is room for new people. We need to always be down a few relationships, a few hobbies (computer games are such a waste of time) and the like so there's space for those new people as the Lord brings them. Pray for a heart to want to seek out and love new people, all new people including the uncomfortable, the outcast, the unattractive. Pray for the eyes of Jesus, to see them for who God sees them. If you're heart doesn't want to do this, doesn't want to love the undesirable then do nothing else but start to pray about your heart..., etc.
If we want to lose the narcissism, we must start living lives where we are denying it. If we want churches that exude God's love, we've got to start being those people. Do not argue with people, but love them into a place where they can choose Christ — should they desire. It is there choice from our perspective, regardless of your views on predestination, so let it be their choice. Don't make it for them, don't force it for them, don't push Christ on to people. Let them see the Savior and decide that He is what they desire. I'm tired of feeling like I go to a narcissistic church full of narcissistic people. My church isn't either of these things but in a society like ours, we have to try extra hard to be a true witness and my prayer is that Christ develops that love for others in our hearts and transforms our community. I can try to explain to people about what it looks like to have a loving and hospitable community (that is a group of people who are loving and hospitable and unified in Christ) but what good would it be for me to tell those who don't desire it in their hearts as a natural expression of Love for the Father? When we try to do it on our own, by our own leading, what will that self-righteousness look like, smell like, and be like to the Father, to others, to ourselves. Deceit is a strong word that may not be strong enough. Remember, your self-righteous works are like dirty rags to me.
Let us seek Jesus and all else will find its place.
Some thoughts before I go to bed.
1) I don't always feel like it but the feeling is slowly returning, a feeling of joy and thankfulness that Jesus Christ died for me too and that he loves me and that he is going to see me through this time in my life — of which I can only really describe as a re-hardening of my heart.
2) Christians and the Church need to drop this Western view of self, purpose, vision, church and other people. Notions like making projects out of people, being purposeful about sharing Jesus with people, pushing one's self to advance particular aspects of who Jesus is or what the church is about... it is unnatural and it can make others feel un-human. In short, there are other ways to be true to who God is and be true to Jesus, the Savior we love so much. In short, the West believes in the division of roles and occupations for individuals such as "I am a teacher" or "I am a police officer." This may be how the West works but one can't say about (for lack of better words) the economy of Christian Faith, I'm the pastor and I fulfill my role to take care of your spiritual needs and because you are the CEO, you pay me back with tithes. There is some division of gifting and roles but no "outsourcing" of the faith. Further in this construction, you don't exist to make people projects or to walk into a room and tell the Lord, "this is what I will do for you here, I am so thankful that you're using me as a tool (or accepting my work) to bring you Glory and advance your Kingdom." This paradigm is folly and heretical and must stop.
3) Flipping the West upside down — Christ transforms us and flips everything upside down — the Western perspective of 'now I'll do something purposeful for God' is naive, misguided, and can be damaging to you and others. It isn't so much about what I should "do" but it is more about seeking and following Jesus and watching as the rest follows. To do this, you must destroy all preconceived notions of what seeking and following Jesus are supposed to look like. Don't seek to hatch plans about how we'll now purposefully strive to do X, Y, and Z and then ask God to bless it — this is so Western, this is so deceitful! Instead, pursue Jesus and move as he leads you, period.
4) Preaching the Gospel: without words - If you want a heart for others, start praying for them secretly. If you want to reach people, start by being friends. Have no more expectation than to be friends. Share what Jesus has done in your life only if asked. Share how Jesus thinks of them only if asked. People are not projects, they're people. Don't insert your life into others just to share Jesus with them — this is hypocritical, a bad witness, and will bring defame the Father. Live a life transformed that brings no shame or disgrace to the Father but rather that is a life of thankfulness, a life of Honor and service to the Lord. In the words of St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words."
5) Preaching the Gospel: with words - Be bold with the Gospel when such time presents its self and in places where it is acceptable but do not push the Gospel onto people when the time is not right. Good times to be bold are in situations where people come to you wanting to know more and perhaps at other opportune times. Examples include offering prayer for people in a park or on campus, and even preaching about Jesus in a public place so long as you're preaching about the goodness of Jesus, not Jesus and something else (i.e. conservatism, doctrine, dogma, etc.).
6) Things have their place... The Church: a true witness of the Lord, declaring Truth by scripture and deed, through relationships and charity. Preaching nothing short of the Truth, nothing short of Jesus. Seeking to chase after everything God would have for us. Seeking to display the full manifold wisdom of God!
7) We live in such a narcissistic generation. Columbus, this city I reside in, is full of up and coming young people who are clamoring to be more attractive, desirable, educated, and get their butts out of this city to pursue greener grass somewhere else. I am one of these prideful, narcissistic people. There is no love, no time to listen, to desire to pray, no desire to make room for the new people... none of these things unless we think we have something to gain such as brownie points with God, acceptance in our groups, or some other vain desire. Our lives, our churches and our small groups need to be places where there is room for new people. We need to always be down a few relationships, a few hobbies (computer games are such a waste of time) and the like so there's space for those new people as the Lord brings them. Pray for a heart to want to seek out and love new people, all new people including the uncomfortable, the outcast, the unattractive. Pray for the eyes of Jesus, to see them for who God sees them. If you're heart doesn't want to do this, doesn't want to love the undesirable then do nothing else but start to pray about your heart..., etc.
If we want to lose the narcissism, we must start living lives where we are denying it. If we want churches that exude God's love, we've got to start being those people. Do not argue with people, but love them into a place where they can choose Christ — should they desire. It is there choice from our perspective, regardless of your views on predestination, so let it be their choice. Don't make it for them, don't force it for them, don't push Christ on to people. Let them see the Savior and decide that He is what they desire. I'm tired of feeling like I go to a narcissistic church full of narcissistic people. My church isn't either of these things but in a society like ours, we have to try extra hard to be a true witness and my prayer is that Christ develops that love for others in our hearts and transforms our community. I can try to explain to people about what it looks like to have a loving and hospitable community (that is a group of people who are loving and hospitable and unified in Christ) but what good would it be for me to tell those who don't desire it in their hearts as a natural expression of Love for the Father? When we try to do it on our own, by our own leading, what will that self-righteousness look like, smell like, and be like to the Father, to others, to ourselves. Deceit is a strong word that may not be strong enough. Remember, your self-righteous works are like dirty rags to me.
Let us seek Jesus and all else will find its place.
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