Not so profound

So I write this post. I know no one will probably find it (in time) but I write it because I feel like I must.

God I love you and I so struggle to believe that you have good and perfect gifts for me, your son. You've given me a job — praise you and Amen! — but now I need a place to live, people to live with and so much more importantly, I so desperately desire friends. Friends who want to spend time with you, friends who want to know about you, friends who you can tell secrets to. Yes, friends who you can enjoy Christ with and morn life with, yes friends who desire to live lives together. Oh Lord, I really want friends.

Why is this so hard? I am sad. Why? Could it be because I don't know if people understand what it is like to deal with this, to live through this? Tonight is a night that I don't have very often — those kinds of days where I'm at a low. Yes, Today I ate with two friends, helped another take care of some things today. This evening, I passed going to a bar with roomies to, well, eat at home and watch tv. Now, almost 1 A.M., I feel like I'm in a spiral again; I sit at the computer trying to explain what I think I see below the surface.

Oh Lord, I need you but oh Lord, I would so desperately like to have friends who can help keep me company and help me draw closer to you. People to live life with. I need to find a new group, I need to find these people. Oh Lord, please help me.

Yes, you've given me people to talk with from time to time, people who claim they carry the sword and will defend me — oh thank you for them — but these people are few and far between and they are busy Lord, seemingly too busy for me. This is a lie but it is a lie with a shade of truth and oh how the shade of truth can be so convincing. Am I crazy, do I expect too much or am I more real than I've ever been, more in touch with what I need? Am I a relationship addict, is this idolatry? Or is this genuine, something you're putting me through? Regardless Lord, I pray this test would be over with and that life would flow again to my relationships, that I'd be blessed with great people placed in my life so that I could love them and that they could love me. Lord thank you for your gifts and I pray that you will give me gifts in people, especially in the coming days and weeks.

Praise you and may I worship you and do your will all the days of my life, Amen.