Keep Pushing On

The Lord will sanctify me in his timing. I know He has me, and he will do what he is doing in his timing. This is a season in which I need to turn in toward him and I pray that this is happening! What is this "turn in toward him?"

In the simplest form, it is embracing more of the daily and really hourly prayer life (e.g. "Lord, Father, this is hard and things are difficult. Please help me." and "Please speak to me, guide me Father, let my will be your will, let my actions be those that glorify you, and help me to be obedient in everything!"

Beyond this, it's creating space and praying for and listening (mostly listening) for what the Lord would want to say about these things. These things today are "should I move?" "where should I move?" "Guide me to find a job," "Give me a job," "Help me to lead my relationship with Lindsey" (my G.F.), "help me to be obedient and under your direction," "Share with me what you want to share with me Father," "help me find the people you want me to love today," and "Please help me find joy Lord." I ask, and he speaks. Am I listening. So many times I don't hear what he wants to say. Sometimes he speaks louder, but usually, I miss him altogether. Do I not want to live with God those days? Am I just too busy? Am I rejecting the Spirit? Does he grant me grace and patiently wait until I come back?

This is such a crazy season. In many ways, I want it all to change. Unlike before, I'm starting to realize that changing everything is a great way to crash and burn. I'm also realizing that I need to move in the flow that the Lord is moving, and if I want to experience blessing and move as he would lead me, I have to stop and submit what's going on to him, listen and be obedient. Wisdom helps guide me here — obviously I need a job and the Lord has instructed us (so to say) through St. Paul that we are in fact to do work so that we can take care of ourselves and others. Okay, I'll be working on that.

In another vein though, I am trying to move. Why? Not necessarily because the Lord is "calling me" toward something but rather, I feel like I need to move on. Why? The peace is gone and I am, at times, full of malice. When I move on, will I have to deal with this — ohhh yes! Perhaps I'm running away from this but I know that this is all something that I need to get over. To sum it up, envy and jealousy and those sins compounded by my desire to judge others for, in my eyes, being selfish and self focused. Am I being selfish and self focused? Sure, I have to say... (enter excuses: but I'm on the brink (six months) of being completely broke and they are lavishly spending without regard for those (like me) who are getting pinched. Who's guilty in this kind of a situation — certainly me and that's all I can really say (confess).

What I want to move toward (calling or not) is a situation where I can stop hemorrhaging money as fast and potentially start saving and/or paying down debt as fast as possible. $53k in the whole with school loans, I need it to be paid off and fast. If I can pay $10K/yr (by living dirt cheap), it can be gone in six years. I'll be 31, maybe married, and on to whatever I will do next in my life — hopefully free of being a slave to debt! Lord, please help me get rid of this beast in my life!

Tomorrow is the fun day — swim party, state fair, and dinner with a friend who's getting married. Sunday and Monday I'm back in Dayton — where I'm from.

Best wishes,
Eric