So I write this post. I know no one will probably find it (in time) but I write it because I feel like I must.
God I love you and I so struggle to believe that you have good and perfect gifts for me, your son. You've given me a job — praise you and Amen! — but now I need a place to live, people to live with and so much more importantly, I so desperately desire friends. Friends who want to spend time with you, friends who want to know about you, friends who you can tell secrets to. Yes, friends who you can enjoy Christ with and morn life with, yes friends who desire to live lives together. Oh Lord, I really want friends.
Why is this so hard? I am sad. Why? Could it be because I don't know if people understand what it is like to deal with this, to live through this? Tonight is a night that I don't have very often — those kinds of days where I'm at a low. Yes, Today I ate with two friends, helped another take care of some things today. This evening, I passed going to a bar with roomies to, well, eat at home and watch tv. Now, almost 1 A.M., I feel like I'm in a spiral again; I sit at the computer trying to explain what I think I see below the surface.
Oh Lord, I need you but oh Lord, I would so desperately like to have friends who can help keep me company and help me draw closer to you. People to live life with. I need to find a new group, I need to find these people. Oh Lord, please help me.
Yes, you've given me people to talk with from time to time, people who claim they carry the sword and will defend me — oh thank you for them — but these people are few and far between and they are busy Lord, seemingly too busy for me. This is a lie but it is a lie with a shade of truth and oh how the shade of truth can be so convincing. Am I crazy, do I expect too much or am I more real than I've ever been, more in touch with what I need? Am I a relationship addict, is this idolatry? Or is this genuine, something you're putting me through? Regardless Lord, I pray this test would be over with and that life would flow again to my relationships, that I'd be blessed with great people placed in my life so that I could love them and that they could love me. Lord thank you for your gifts and I pray that you will give me gifts in people, especially in the coming days and weeks.
Praise you and may I worship you and do your will all the days of my life, Amen.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Breathe 08 — God is good!
Breathe went by really fast this year but here are some good things that happened:
— God reminded me that he loves me, wants the best for me, and will do great stuff in my life and give me perfect gifts.
— God is pleased with my open and soft heart, and my heart of service.
— God has plans for my life, plans to prosper me, plans to use me and increase the gift of leadership in me.
— God likes to surprise us (see story below).
— God may trying to develop a gifting to help bring healing to the sick.
Prayer with the Pickerills
So, as previous mentioned here, I am wondering about pastoring as a calling and profession. I was talking to a friend, Grace, after the service that maybe I should have Eric Pickerill pray with me as he's leaving to plant a church in Amsterdam. I don't really know if pastoring is something that is being placed on me and maybe God will give him discernment. So I decide to ask Eric to pray for me (after weeks of being prodded by Patrick, another friend). At the end of the session, I see Eric but he's busy — about to dismiss the session and then later on a cell phone. Talking to Grace, I notice him leaving on a bike and think "Oh crap, he's leaving and now we won't be able to pray."
I then meet up with Patrick, who has been harassing me for weeks to pray with this guy. Patrick's like, "every time you see him, you walk near and then look around and walk away..." and I didn't realize that I do this but I guess I do — Anyway. Walking out of the tent, I think that God doesn't have to speak through this guy as much as he could speak through any one of us or just directly to me. I think, "why do I need him to pray for me anyway, it's not really a big deal, etc."
In the pitch dark walking away from the main tent, I notice Eric and his wife walking toward the tent. I stop them and ask if they could pray with me about my calling and what may be a desire God is giving me to be a church planter and maybe a pastor. They pray and they discern a lot of the things God's doing with me and the passions he's place on my heart.
They pray and say they don't think the call is on me now but that it could be later. Mainly though, they say that they believe God is very pleased with me and how I am choosing do the things in front of me today and that he's pleased and happy with my soft heart and desire to be used. For now, the call may be to act as a deacon — watching after and caring for the community, serving the church, etc — all in line with what God is doing/moving me toward.
It was good to pray with them and I can say that I'll miss them. All along this time, Patrick standing a few feet away, is just extremely floored that God would choose to do this, it was such a sweet morsel of his goodness. Thinking back on it, I didn't have to pray with the Pickerills about this stuff but God made it possible and that was pretty sweet!
Disappointment and Doubt?
Like I said before, the weekend felt so freaking short but I did get to spend some good times with friends and meet some new folks. I guess I had hoped that like last year, I'd get lit up by the Spirit. Sometimes I wonder if I worship that or something but anyway I didn't really get lit up this year. I had hoped that God would release a desire and addiction for some stuff but I don't really feel like that happened. I know I'm loved and this should floor me but for some reason, it seems like an old message. "Yeah, so what God, I know you love me, etc..."
Maybe I need to know that God loves me even though he isn't giving me what I want, when I want it. God, maybe, telling me that he hears my prayers and the prayers of others but that it isn't time for some of these things to happen. Can I be at peace with this? I pray yes.
I think this boils down to idols of security and pride. I want to be secure in my possessions, job, relationships, groups, church and stuff and you know what — I'm so far from that, it's crazy. On pride, I want what God will give me (gifts, presence, experience) — sometimes more than my desire to want to praise God and give him what he deserves, what he desires — Glory! Again, at home now, I feel like I'm a bit in a daze, finding it hard to just settle down and pray, worship, etc. Am I upset? Am I tired? How long can one worship the Father through music and song. Eventually one can lose interest in both but yet God is still worthy of worship even when I don't feel like it. How am I to respond when I am tired? I even saw the Spirit come on people and maybe even heal them and for some reason I don't rejoice, praise God, etc. These are signs and wonders and yet I feel dry — why?
To wrap this up, it wasn't what I thought it would be and God did some good stuff but I'm still in a bit of a down mood. Maybe I need to take some time to connect with God, to get away and be with Him.... Maybe I just need to commit these things to Him and deal with it for this time.
— God reminded me that he loves me, wants the best for me, and will do great stuff in my life and give me perfect gifts.
— God is pleased with my open and soft heart, and my heart of service.
— God has plans for my life, plans to prosper me, plans to use me and increase the gift of leadership in me.
— God likes to surprise us (see story below).
— God may trying to develop a gifting to help bring healing to the sick.
Prayer with the Pickerills
So, as previous mentioned here, I am wondering about pastoring as a calling and profession. I was talking to a friend, Grace, after the service that maybe I should have Eric Pickerill pray with me as he's leaving to plant a church in Amsterdam. I don't really know if pastoring is something that is being placed on me and maybe God will give him discernment. So I decide to ask Eric to pray for me (after weeks of being prodded by Patrick, another friend). At the end of the session, I see Eric but he's busy — about to dismiss the session and then later on a cell phone. Talking to Grace, I notice him leaving on a bike and think "Oh crap, he's leaving and now we won't be able to pray."
I then meet up with Patrick, who has been harassing me for weeks to pray with this guy. Patrick's like, "every time you see him, you walk near and then look around and walk away..." and I didn't realize that I do this but I guess I do — Anyway. Walking out of the tent, I think that God doesn't have to speak through this guy as much as he could speak through any one of us or just directly to me. I think, "why do I need him to pray for me anyway, it's not really a big deal, etc."
In the pitch dark walking away from the main tent, I notice Eric and his wife walking toward the tent. I stop them and ask if they could pray with me about my calling and what may be a desire God is giving me to be a church planter and maybe a pastor. They pray and they discern a lot of the things God's doing with me and the passions he's place on my heart.
They pray and say they don't think the call is on me now but that it could be later. Mainly though, they say that they believe God is very pleased with me and how I am choosing do the things in front of me today and that he's pleased and happy with my soft heart and desire to be used. For now, the call may be to act as a deacon — watching after and caring for the community, serving the church, etc — all in line with what God is doing/moving me toward.
It was good to pray with them and I can say that I'll miss them. All along this time, Patrick standing a few feet away, is just extremely floored that God would choose to do this, it was such a sweet morsel of his goodness. Thinking back on it, I didn't have to pray with the Pickerills about this stuff but God made it possible and that was pretty sweet!
Disappointment and Doubt?
Like I said before, the weekend felt so freaking short but I did get to spend some good times with friends and meet some new folks. I guess I had hoped that like last year, I'd get lit up by the Spirit. Sometimes I wonder if I worship that or something but anyway I didn't really get lit up this year. I had hoped that God would release a desire and addiction for some stuff but I don't really feel like that happened. I know I'm loved and this should floor me but for some reason, it seems like an old message. "Yeah, so what God, I know you love me, etc..."
Maybe I need to know that God loves me even though he isn't giving me what I want, when I want it. God, maybe, telling me that he hears my prayers and the prayers of others but that it isn't time for some of these things to happen. Can I be at peace with this? I pray yes.
I think this boils down to idols of security and pride. I want to be secure in my possessions, job, relationships, groups, church and stuff and you know what — I'm so far from that, it's crazy. On pride, I want what God will give me (gifts, presence, experience) — sometimes more than my desire to want to praise God and give him what he deserves, what he desires — Glory! Again, at home now, I feel like I'm a bit in a daze, finding it hard to just settle down and pray, worship, etc. Am I upset? Am I tired? How long can one worship the Father through music and song. Eventually one can lose interest in both but yet God is still worthy of worship even when I don't feel like it. How am I to respond when I am tired? I even saw the Spirit come on people and maybe even heal them and for some reason I don't rejoice, praise God, etc. These are signs and wonders and yet I feel dry — why?
To wrap this up, it wasn't what I thought it would be and God did some good stuff but I'm still in a bit of a down mood. Maybe I need to take some time to connect with God, to get away and be with Him.... Maybe I just need to commit these things to Him and deal with it for this time.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Discerning the "right" course of action
Discerning is not something that I am especially good at. I would like to think I have wisdom and good discernment and that's why I've lived with some interesting people including a compulsive lier and thief, a deadbeat poker player who slept on my couch for over a month, and perhaps some others that it may be best to say we just never really got each other.
So, now I am at a time where I feel not very satisfied with my decision to pursue a masters, mostly because a few friends question whether it was really God's will for me to do it. I thought it was and now I wonder if I want to be a pastor (this has been a reoccurring theme btw) and not a planner. Quite simply, a friend pointed out to me today, there are a lot of starving pastors and few actually get to do it for their full time job. Realizing this, I feel more comfortable in pursuing a direction that God can call me out of whenever he wants to. Maybe this is a bad perspective but I have few other options. Grad school is my choice because I want a good job so I can be productive and I don't think there's much wrong with that. I realize I won't find satisfaction there, I won't find security there, I won't find salvation there and as long as my job does not become my god, I should be O.K.
On to other matters though — I want some things at this point in my life:
— First, I want to be free of sexual sin. I think the vast majority struggle with it and I need God to continue to give me a heart after him, the strength to fight urges and the desire to be righteous in this area of my life.
— Second, I want to be in community with people who will watch my back, who will be Jesus to me when I need it, who will help me fight the good fight.
— Third, I want to have chances to use my gifts in leadership and to develop gifts in teaching and communicating the Gospel. Help me be more loving and extend more grace.
— Fourth, I want opportunities to mentor and be mentored. I don't know what this looks like and I struggle to find examples but this is something I desire — to have people who can speak into my life and help guide my walk and I desire to do the same for others.
— Fifth, I want to be a part of a real, thriving, vibrant small group that knows why it exists and is actually functional for more of a purpose than simply to build community.
— Sixth and most importantly, I want to draw closer to God than I ever have. I want more of a need to spend time with him, worshiping and praying, reading His Word, etc. My desire is to say yes to Him more in my life.
In response, I'm going to start chasing after these things. When I describe to a friend that my life feels like I'm just waiting on a bed to die in a nursing home — with nothing really asked or expected of me from my group and my friends... I've got to realize something is wrong. It may not be my group but then again I desire relationships where people care who I am, what I struggle with, what I need prayer for. With these desires unsatisfied, it may be that I need to get out of this group. This is a group seemingly without vision or purpose, a group that acts as if prayer, pushing into God, and pushing each other toward Christ to be optional functions. Passion instills passion and right now, I need fellow passionate Believers to live life with. I'm going to challenge my leaders and if I don't get the response I want, I'm moving on.
And describing some of this for a friend, she wondered if I'd start a new group. My response was simply that it is not my goal or desire to further splinter the church. I don't want power or position to pursue my ideals... I just want Biblical community that earnestly strives to seek, worship, and love the Father and do his will here on earth. I guess the difference is that if I can't find that group, I have few qualms about trying to start that group.
As for me, I want to six things above. I also desperately need people who will help me learn what love is and how to love more. I need people who will help push me to learn the Word so that every time I open my mouth it isn't just Eric's sinful, post-modern perspective / opinion spewing fourth. I want to know the Truth, to move by the leading of the Spirit, to preach with power and authority, to love like Jesus loves.
If this is what I want, I've got to go for it. I've got to start communicating this, making moves toward this... and Lord knows that if I am to keep any integrity, it will try to do it within the church. I will respect my leadership and do as they ask no matter how screwed up things seem. I am a member, I am under pastoral leadership and will submit to it until God tells me to go. I realize that God uses imperfect people and imperfect churches to display His spender, glory, and grace because he wants us to know that it is Him and not these people doing the good work. I want to be where I'm called and for now, this is here in this time and place. I will be faithful with what is in front of me. I pray that as God calls me, I will move.
So, now I am at a time where I feel not very satisfied with my decision to pursue a masters, mostly because a few friends question whether it was really God's will for me to do it. I thought it was and now I wonder if I want to be a pastor (this has been a reoccurring theme btw) and not a planner. Quite simply, a friend pointed out to me today, there are a lot of starving pastors and few actually get to do it for their full time job. Realizing this, I feel more comfortable in pursuing a direction that God can call me out of whenever he wants to. Maybe this is a bad perspective but I have few other options. Grad school is my choice because I want a good job so I can be productive and I don't think there's much wrong with that. I realize I won't find satisfaction there, I won't find security there, I won't find salvation there and as long as my job does not become my god, I should be O.K.
On to other matters though — I want some things at this point in my life:
— First, I want to be free of sexual sin. I think the vast majority struggle with it and I need God to continue to give me a heart after him, the strength to fight urges and the desire to be righteous in this area of my life.
— Second, I want to be in community with people who will watch my back, who will be Jesus to me when I need it, who will help me fight the good fight.
— Third, I want to have chances to use my gifts in leadership and to develop gifts in teaching and communicating the Gospel. Help me be more loving and extend more grace.
— Fourth, I want opportunities to mentor and be mentored. I don't know what this looks like and I struggle to find examples but this is something I desire — to have people who can speak into my life and help guide my walk and I desire to do the same for others.
— Fifth, I want to be a part of a real, thriving, vibrant small group that knows why it exists and is actually functional for more of a purpose than simply to build community.
— Sixth and most importantly, I want to draw closer to God than I ever have. I want more of a need to spend time with him, worshiping and praying, reading His Word, etc. My desire is to say yes to Him more in my life.
In response, I'm going to start chasing after these things. When I describe to a friend that my life feels like I'm just waiting on a bed to die in a nursing home — with nothing really asked or expected of me from my group and my friends... I've got to realize something is wrong. It may not be my group but then again I desire relationships where people care who I am, what I struggle with, what I need prayer for. With these desires unsatisfied, it may be that I need to get out of this group. This is a group seemingly without vision or purpose, a group that acts as if prayer, pushing into God, and pushing each other toward Christ to be optional functions. Passion instills passion and right now, I need fellow passionate Believers to live life with. I'm going to challenge my leaders and if I don't get the response I want, I'm moving on.
And describing some of this for a friend, she wondered if I'd start a new group. My response was simply that it is not my goal or desire to further splinter the church. I don't want power or position to pursue my ideals... I just want Biblical community that earnestly strives to seek, worship, and love the Father and do his will here on earth. I guess the difference is that if I can't find that group, I have few qualms about trying to start that group.
As for me, I want to six things above. I also desperately need people who will help me learn what love is and how to love more. I need people who will help push me to learn the Word so that every time I open my mouth it isn't just Eric's sinful, post-modern perspective / opinion spewing fourth. I want to know the Truth, to move by the leading of the Spirit, to preach with power and authority, to love like Jesus loves.
If this is what I want, I've got to go for it. I've got to start communicating this, making moves toward this... and Lord knows that if I am to keep any integrity, it will try to do it within the church. I will respect my leadership and do as they ask no matter how screwed up things seem. I am a member, I am under pastoral leadership and will submit to it until God tells me to go. I realize that God uses imperfect people and imperfect churches to display His spender, glory, and grace because he wants us to know that it is Him and not these people doing the good work. I want to be where I'm called and for now, this is here in this time and place. I will be faithful with what is in front of me. I pray that as God calls me, I will move.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Five Months Later, on the path
I had told my self that I wouldn't blog for a while. Not because blogging is bad or anything but that one can spend too much time doing it and that it may be just a distraction from the real world. I still think this but I'm lonely this hot Friday night in July and just after eating, why not reflect on what's going on in my life. Some friends read this or may if I prompt with an email explaining a post is up that explains what's up in my life, what I'm thinking about today — maybe they'll read.
— —— —— —— —
First, I didn't switch churches and found a new small group. Some of the older posts may eventually be hidden because they either aren't relevant or say inflammatory things that I'm not sure I support anymore. The best thing I can say about this is that I think I have relied to heavily on post modernity to provide a basis for opinions and this is at expense of the Gospel that is more than sufficient than anything I could try to spout off. In the end, my words are just simply opinions and are meaningless unless God speaks through them. In my estimation, some posts just don't smell right if you know what I mean and they may go. If you read further back, please know this.
Secondly, I'm in a different place now — starting to have my quarter life crisis as I'm looking for my first non-campus apartment with someone who may or may not be going to live with me. At this time I'm trying to figure out who my friends are when more people are graduating, moving away and those I do know are sometimes distant or too busy to be friends. Also, I though I found a small group but at this point, I think I may be looking for another so yeah. One week to Breathe 08 and, well, it's time to spend time with God and let him give me a name, let him figure out my madness.
While cleaning my room, in preparation for that move where I've got no clue where I'm going, I found a letter from a brother of mine — Wes. As Wes was admonished, I think I will take time to do the same soon. In the mean time, can I say that I am incredibly thankful for my friendship with Wes and also Dan, Dustin, Blake, RH, Mike Sch., Eric A., Brandon, Michael, and Patrick M. These brothers in Christ help me understand things that I have trouble with and most importantly, I believe they love me as a brother and I know that several will be there for me when I need a brother to intervene. I also want to thank my other friends including Ben who has more patience for me than most Christians and my fellow CRPers who help me cut loose every once in a while. There are others but there are only so many ASCII characters to express one's feelings. I hope to write letters to some of these people and I hope they will be encouraging.
For the rest, this is a general letter explaining what's up in my life. If you want to know more, come talk to me rather than stalking my internet blog.
— —— —— —— —
God is Good. Things can suck but I know that the Lord is good to all who call on his name and this is the same for me. And to help make the most of next weekend at Breathe, I'm going to try to take some time to get away and really draw close to God this next week. At this time in my life, it is so important to know who I am in Christ and this has been echoed by several in my life and I need to take the time so I will do so next week and I pray that God shows up!
At this point, I'm unemployed and waiting for interviews for internships that I may not get. I'm about one half to two thirds through a masters degree in something I'm not sure I really want to do for the rest of my life. I think I'm starting to realize that God may be placing calls on my life and I guess I'm not sure when and what they will entail. Does this mean I should drop out, does this mean I should study something else. What does this all mean? At about $7,000 a quarter, it is expensive to keep going unless I'll work long enough to pay off these loans — maybe 5 to 8 years if I live a very simple life and get a fair salary. Of course in this economy, getting a job may be the real battle.
I enjoy planning (my masters degree). Going to Mississippi to help a county prepare a physical plan for a beach was a fun and rewarding task. Future projects I hope to work on appear to be good uses of my time as well. I can see myself working for a city helping to plan for development, neighborhoods, and maybe feeling good about what I do. Lots of things interest me so I'm sure that I'd find my niche. The problem is that I also want to be involved at the church.
To be involved is maybe an understatement. I have a desire to be used by God for whatever he's calling me toward. For now, this is blurry, but I think church planting is something he's giving me a passion for. Also, he's giving me a passion for the church as a whole and for the lost — trying to understand God, theology, culture, philosophy, and so much more. In the mean time, I want to use my gifts and do what God is calling me to do now — which I think is finish my degree and try to dig in a lot deeper regarding some personal issues and maybe get a chance to use those gifts he's giving me.
Regardless of all of this, I know God loves me and that he's being patient with me and I am thankful for this. I know that righteousness is something God is calling me to fight for right now and this is hard! I fail at times but it's more of a priority, seeking to live rightly as a follower of Jesus. This doesn't mean moralism, it means learning how to live as a follower of Jesus, walking in his ways and in his Grace.
To this end, I'm looking for mentorship and discipleship and I hope to be able to mentor and/or disciple others and use my other gifts to build up the church. I'm also looking for people who can help me figure out the Gospel beyond what seems to be dry, dogmatic and offensive theology. I know the Gospel is offensive but God calls us to love and I know to share the Gospel is a part of that. I want to share that message in a way that communicates love and makes sense. Maybe a good place to start is what Jesus' has done in my life, but I also know that things like the Word, Orthodoxy and Theology are so very important yet some of these are they very things that turn friends off to Jesus. They are things that give me peace and reassurance yet point to a singular truth that is opposed by post modernists. Maybe this is why Paul says he "suffers" for the Gospel, why he begs people to consider it.
Away from this for a few minutes, at this time in my life I'm going to take more of an interest in trying to seek what I want — a closer relationship with Jesus, close relationships, vibrant community, friends, opportunities to use gifts as well as mentor and be mentored. Most importantly to know who I am in Christ and to be a better follower — one who goes where he is led. Other things may seem daunting but Christ will provide and if it is God's will, I will be able to do everything he is calling me to do. I pray and hope that his Will will be my own and that I will be faithful.
As for my dreams and the kinds of things I think Christ may be putting on me, I want to see Christians of my age and generation awake and be alive in Christ. I pray that many would come to know Him and that they would not languish in the Church but that they'd be alive in Christ and respond to the calls he will place on their lives. I pray the lost would be found, the hurt would be healed, the disbelieving would fall at the foot of the cross. I pray faith would be something this generation talks about and that our world would be changed because of it. I pray that many would come to know Jesus and that regeneration and revival would fill the earth. In the midst of this, it's my prayer that Jesus will use me to bring His Kingdom! It is my prayer that Jesus will use me to help wake his Church.
For now, this is the path I'm on but Lord, I will continue to seek you out and pursue you — even if my dreams must die to realize your more perfect and awesome dreams for my life. It's just hard to keep doing what I'm doing in school if this is my destiny. For all I know, I could die tomorrow or in just a few years and may miss my calling (despite the fact that my days are numbered and that Christ knows my calling). So why am I wasting my time on my "Plan B" if this isn't what I really want to do? Yes, this is a good question and I only wish I knew the answer God was giving me on this.
— —— —— —— —
First, I didn't switch churches and found a new small group. Some of the older posts may eventually be hidden because they either aren't relevant or say inflammatory things that I'm not sure I support anymore. The best thing I can say about this is that I think I have relied to heavily on post modernity to provide a basis for opinions and this is at expense of the Gospel that is more than sufficient than anything I could try to spout off. In the end, my words are just simply opinions and are meaningless unless God speaks through them. In my estimation, some posts just don't smell right if you know what I mean and they may go. If you read further back, please know this.
Secondly, I'm in a different place now — starting to have my quarter life crisis as I'm looking for my first non-campus apartment with someone who may or may not be going to live with me. At this time I'm trying to figure out who my friends are when more people are graduating, moving away and those I do know are sometimes distant or too busy to be friends. Also, I though I found a small group but at this point, I think I may be looking for another so yeah. One week to Breathe 08 and, well, it's time to spend time with God and let him give me a name, let him figure out my madness.
While cleaning my room, in preparation for that move where I've got no clue where I'm going, I found a letter from a brother of mine — Wes. As Wes was admonished, I think I will take time to do the same soon. In the mean time, can I say that I am incredibly thankful for my friendship with Wes and also Dan, Dustin, Blake, RH, Mike Sch., Eric A., Brandon, Michael, and Patrick M. These brothers in Christ help me understand things that I have trouble with and most importantly, I believe they love me as a brother and I know that several will be there for me when I need a brother to intervene. I also want to thank my other friends including Ben who has more patience for me than most Christians and my fellow CRPers who help me cut loose every once in a while. There are others but there are only so many ASCII characters to express one's feelings. I hope to write letters to some of these people and I hope they will be encouraging.
For the rest, this is a general letter explaining what's up in my life. If you want to know more, come talk to me rather than stalking my internet blog.
— —— —— —— —
God is Good. Things can suck but I know that the Lord is good to all who call on his name and this is the same for me. And to help make the most of next weekend at Breathe, I'm going to try to take some time to get away and really draw close to God this next week. At this time in my life, it is so important to know who I am in Christ and this has been echoed by several in my life and I need to take the time so I will do so next week and I pray that God shows up!
At this point, I'm unemployed and waiting for interviews for internships that I may not get. I'm about one half to two thirds through a masters degree in something I'm not sure I really want to do for the rest of my life. I think I'm starting to realize that God may be placing calls on my life and I guess I'm not sure when and what they will entail. Does this mean I should drop out, does this mean I should study something else. What does this all mean? At about $7,000 a quarter, it is expensive to keep going unless I'll work long enough to pay off these loans — maybe 5 to 8 years if I live a very simple life and get a fair salary. Of course in this economy, getting a job may be the real battle.
I enjoy planning (my masters degree). Going to Mississippi to help a county prepare a physical plan for a beach was a fun and rewarding task. Future projects I hope to work on appear to be good uses of my time as well. I can see myself working for a city helping to plan for development, neighborhoods, and maybe feeling good about what I do. Lots of things interest me so I'm sure that I'd find my niche. The problem is that I also want to be involved at the church.
To be involved is maybe an understatement. I have a desire to be used by God for whatever he's calling me toward. For now, this is blurry, but I think church planting is something he's giving me a passion for. Also, he's giving me a passion for the church as a whole and for the lost — trying to understand God, theology, culture, philosophy, and so much more. In the mean time, I want to use my gifts and do what God is calling me to do now — which I think is finish my degree and try to dig in a lot deeper regarding some personal issues and maybe get a chance to use those gifts he's giving me.
Regardless of all of this, I know God loves me and that he's being patient with me and I am thankful for this. I know that righteousness is something God is calling me to fight for right now and this is hard! I fail at times but it's more of a priority, seeking to live rightly as a follower of Jesus. This doesn't mean moralism, it means learning how to live as a follower of Jesus, walking in his ways and in his Grace.
To this end, I'm looking for mentorship and discipleship and I hope to be able to mentor and/or disciple others and use my other gifts to build up the church. I'm also looking for people who can help me figure out the Gospel beyond what seems to be dry, dogmatic and offensive theology. I know the Gospel is offensive but God calls us to love and I know to share the Gospel is a part of that. I want to share that message in a way that communicates love and makes sense. Maybe a good place to start is what Jesus' has done in my life, but I also know that things like the Word, Orthodoxy and Theology are so very important yet some of these are they very things that turn friends off to Jesus. They are things that give me peace and reassurance yet point to a singular truth that is opposed by post modernists. Maybe this is why Paul says he "suffers" for the Gospel, why he begs people to consider it.
Away from this for a few minutes, at this time in my life I'm going to take more of an interest in trying to seek what I want — a closer relationship with Jesus, close relationships, vibrant community, friends, opportunities to use gifts as well as mentor and be mentored. Most importantly to know who I am in Christ and to be a better follower — one who goes where he is led. Other things may seem daunting but Christ will provide and if it is God's will, I will be able to do everything he is calling me to do. I pray and hope that his Will will be my own and that I will be faithful.
As for my dreams and the kinds of things I think Christ may be putting on me, I want to see Christians of my age and generation awake and be alive in Christ. I pray that many would come to know Him and that they would not languish in the Church but that they'd be alive in Christ and respond to the calls he will place on their lives. I pray the lost would be found, the hurt would be healed, the disbelieving would fall at the foot of the cross. I pray faith would be something this generation talks about and that our world would be changed because of it. I pray that many would come to know Jesus and that regeneration and revival would fill the earth. In the midst of this, it's my prayer that Jesus will use me to bring His Kingdom! It is my prayer that Jesus will use me to help wake his Church.
For now, this is the path I'm on but Lord, I will continue to seek you out and pursue you — even if my dreams must die to realize your more perfect and awesome dreams for my life. It's just hard to keep doing what I'm doing in school if this is my destiny. For all I know, I could die tomorrow or in just a few years and may miss my calling (despite the fact that my days are numbered and that Christ knows my calling). So why am I wasting my time on my "Plan B" if this isn't what I really want to do? Yes, this is a good question and I only wish I knew the answer God was giving me on this.
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