Not that you want to hear this.
Not that I want to write this.
I think I may be depressed.
Today started off well, breakfast with a good friend of mine. Light snack for lunch with another good friend of mine. From then on, it was home for my third meeting for the day. That meeting didn't happen, and those kinds of things sometimes happen. This was a nice break from my normal schedule of nothing and more nothing.
Life as an unemployed person is, well, depressing for me. I should maybe feel perky and happy after Breathe but I don't. Reality (as I see it) has set back in and it is quite clear — I need a job soon and I need to make at least $12/hr to pay most of my bills. I would be better if I could make at least $14 to $15. If I was employed in my field, I'd be making $15 to $20/hr. I don't want to think about this.
More than the money, I am alone. Very little contact with others, though today was an exception. Stir-crazy may come close to explaining where I'm at right now. I have the cash, I could go eat a nice meal at a nice restaurant but instead, I'm deciding between eating the baked beans given to me as a gag-gift and pasta and a bratwurst.
Maybe the Lord is trying to break me. It is no secret that I am having a really, really hard time dealing with the fact that I am unemployed and have been so for about a month now since graduating. It's been almost four months since I got laid-off from my internship. I'm not saying that the Lord tries to break people but he knows that he isn't first right now — being joyful in him isn't happening right now and not only that, I'm starting to think that I'm making agreements about him in not having work. I'm next to livid, angry, vile. I went to school because there wasn't anything to do and I felt like he was telling me to go to school so I went and now 40K in the hole and in the middle of the depression/recession, no one is freaking hiring people like me anymore. I would probably go back for something I knew I could make money doing but, oh that's right, I have now $53k in debt. Whoops!
So what do I do?
I guess I send applications even though I am so fearful of rejection.
I guess I pray harder, maybe fast.
I guess I take more risks, apply everywhere and try for anything.
I guess I confess my sin and ask the Lord to fix me and, in his timing, give me a job.
Please pray.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Breathe 2009
Today is Monday, the Monday after breathe.
Returning from the mountain is so hard. Like waking up from a night of dreaming, the fleeting thoughts and feelings seem to slip. I write hoping to document some of those reactions to this year's Breathe festival.
LOVING OTHERS IS KEY
I walk away knowing that I am, at most times, too obsessed about details and not concerned with people. Jesus wants me to be about him and his people, showing mercy and grace, loving people where they're at and all of that. Though God-given, I have an amazing capacity to notice and a strong desire to fix details, problems, issues, etc. I fix things and I fix them well. Though this desire for perfectionism matters in some situations, it does not matter in most... and in most all, it is subordinate to loving people. This is especially difficult when dealing with others who like to control details and may have similar gifts yet, in my estimation, do things wrong or break things.
We all can be better at what we do, me included, and some are more able than others. The key for me is realizing that the goal of camping at breathe is to be at breathe and have reasonable shelter — if we fail, a tent collapses, something breaks, etc. My intervention to fix and do things better (making tents work, fixing things in general is a strength of mine) is not needed unless asked and furthermore, it's more important to love and assist others than try to explain and fix in a gruff, frustrated, and perhaps condescending manner. I may be freakishly smart at fixing stuff but getting along with people remains a weakness, one that I think God wants to work on and I'm eagerly anticipating his healing work, God — the one who is able to fix anything and everything to be perfect as he made it. I long for his healing work in my life.
INADEQUACY TO WORSHIP EFFECTIVELY
I felt like worship was, well, boring the first night. I wasn't feeling it, getting into it. I didn't know the songs, I didn't really feel the Lord, I was tired and stressed.... On Saturday, things changed and I really felt like the Lord met us. By session three on Saturday night, I felt like the Lord really came and a strong desire to worship him. The desire at times seems weird and fleeting itself but I worshiped all the same. I want to feel sucked into worship, like it is something I cannot compel myself to abstain from — like it is something I long to do and am sucked into... but rather, it usually is something I have to focus on and push into. I think either form is fine, God want's us to worship and that is a difficult thing to do, rejecting the desires of ourselves, the world, and Satan to put our attention, focus, and bodies before God and praise him! We were made to praise but at times it feels like I'm so divided. Anyway, several times I got really caught up in praising God and just felt totally inadequate to pray and praise. I felt like the Lord was saying that he wanted to give me the gift of praying (praising) in tongues and that I should find a certain person to pray with and that it would be given to me. It didn't work out to do that and we ended up praying the next day. All I can say is that it hasn't happened yet but I hope and pray that it will happen soon, in His timing.
OTHER GREAT INSIGHTS AND QUOTABLES
Mike Erre (Friday night)
— The reward of following Jesus is Jesus. — Mike Erre
— We can say "no" to Jesus' instruction and teaching... but where else would we go? How can we say "no" to Jesus when he's the one we trust, love, believe is the one, the savior, etc.
Mike Erre (Saturday morning)
— Jesus is more radical than we ever thought he was or could be.
— Our faith should be a faith of action, that is doing or living the life of faith and not simply an intellectual pursuit.
— actions show what we really believe and eventually our actions should start showing that we are submitting to and trusting in Jesus and the Scriptures.
— following Jesus is doing and acting in such a way as we already are. When we gained faith and salvation in Jesus, our lives and destinies changed, he changed us... and we must put to death the ways of the old to accept the new life Christ has for us in this age and the age to come!
Jay Pathak (Saturday night)
— The Jesus story, the story we were all made for.
— The Jesus story is the one we should believe yet other stories compete for our hearts.
— People are inhibited from moving forward because of hurdles inside of us that must be jumped before we can see things change on the outside. Love with Jesus drives us forward through these hurdles....
— We must be rooted and established in Jesus (eph 3:14)
— We can do nothing (of significance) apart from Jesus (jn 15:5-17)
— Changes happens passively and not always actively.
— Everything God does in you moves from the inside out.
— Simple things become impossible when we're disconnected from Jesus — seek him first and ask him to uproot the weeds in our lives rather than just trying to hack away the weeds and leaving the roots behind. God wants to completely restore you, not manage your sin.
— Watch for bad fruit and know that it does not come from the Father
— If you love, you'll obey. If you obey, you will be loved. This is relational, obeying flows out of relationship.
— If you make me (Jesus) the priority, the center — I'll reveal and share things with you, the future will open.
— To see Jesus changes everything.... what's possible for me, what competes with him. wouldn't it be great if all of this was simple again, and it is with Jesus.
Jay Pathak (Sunday AM)
— Our lives at church and in the Kingdom are mroe real than all else...
— How do we stay there and not get lost in normalcy?
— We must know ourselves, our feers, our concerns, and believe that Jesus is more and have our hearts in a place where we're ready to respond in a moment.
— Take life by the horns, be real, be authentic.... the key issue that inhibits growth and realizing dreams is not a lack of knowledge or information but a need to release yourself from the things that bind you, your fears.
— We can be afraid and not know it, largely because of subtle fears that we are comfortable with such as insecurity, fear, shame, and doubt that prevent us from seeing the possible.
— Stop making excuses and be ready for the Lord and say "yes" to his calling...
— Don't waste your life waiting for the "right" time.
— Don't let fear keep you from taking chances. You'll make mistakes but every once in a while you'll get something right, really right. Though fear of making mistakes is normal, don't let it paralyze you from taking risks.
— Don't wait to see opportunities in the rear-view mirror.
— Remove resistance so you can move when God moves you to. (1 Peter 3:9)
— Don't worry, we can't make Jesus look bad, we can't.
— If we deal with our fear, we can then move when He leads... if you must be afraid, be afraid of God. Do not be afraid of this world or of man.
—Three main fears
1. Fear of Rejection (man). Don't be afraid of things that lead to death (symbolic and literal) because it is death that leads to life.
2. Fear of Failure. We all will fail but will you fail by not even trying or will you fail in your trying? Peter is looked at as a failure for not having enough faith to be able to walk all the way to Jesus on the water but remember, he was the only one who got up and attempted it (he got two steps before starting to sink), the rest simply looked on and had not enough faith to attempt such thing.
3. Fear of Success. Afraid that things will work out (if God really does come through) and that it will change my life, things may never be the same.
I'll post more soon but this is it for now...
Returning from the mountain is so hard. Like waking up from a night of dreaming, the fleeting thoughts and feelings seem to slip. I write hoping to document some of those reactions to this year's Breathe festival.
LOVING OTHERS IS KEY
I walk away knowing that I am, at most times, too obsessed about details and not concerned with people. Jesus wants me to be about him and his people, showing mercy and grace, loving people where they're at and all of that. Though God-given, I have an amazing capacity to notice and a strong desire to fix details, problems, issues, etc. I fix things and I fix them well. Though this desire for perfectionism matters in some situations, it does not matter in most... and in most all, it is subordinate to loving people. This is especially difficult when dealing with others who like to control details and may have similar gifts yet, in my estimation, do things wrong or break things.
We all can be better at what we do, me included, and some are more able than others. The key for me is realizing that the goal of camping at breathe is to be at breathe and have reasonable shelter — if we fail, a tent collapses, something breaks, etc. My intervention to fix and do things better (making tents work, fixing things in general is a strength of mine) is not needed unless asked and furthermore, it's more important to love and assist others than try to explain and fix in a gruff, frustrated, and perhaps condescending manner. I may be freakishly smart at fixing stuff but getting along with people remains a weakness, one that I think God wants to work on and I'm eagerly anticipating his healing work, God — the one who is able to fix anything and everything to be perfect as he made it. I long for his healing work in my life.
INADEQUACY TO WORSHIP EFFECTIVELY
I felt like worship was, well, boring the first night. I wasn't feeling it, getting into it. I didn't know the songs, I didn't really feel the Lord, I was tired and stressed.... On Saturday, things changed and I really felt like the Lord met us. By session three on Saturday night, I felt like the Lord really came and a strong desire to worship him. The desire at times seems weird and fleeting itself but I worshiped all the same. I want to feel sucked into worship, like it is something I cannot compel myself to abstain from — like it is something I long to do and am sucked into... but rather, it usually is something I have to focus on and push into. I think either form is fine, God want's us to worship and that is a difficult thing to do, rejecting the desires of ourselves, the world, and Satan to put our attention, focus, and bodies before God and praise him! We were made to praise but at times it feels like I'm so divided. Anyway, several times I got really caught up in praising God and just felt totally inadequate to pray and praise. I felt like the Lord was saying that he wanted to give me the gift of praying (praising) in tongues and that I should find a certain person to pray with and that it would be given to me. It didn't work out to do that and we ended up praying the next day. All I can say is that it hasn't happened yet but I hope and pray that it will happen soon, in His timing.
OTHER GREAT INSIGHTS AND QUOTABLES
Mike Erre (Friday night)
— The reward of following Jesus is Jesus. — Mike Erre
— We can say "no" to Jesus' instruction and teaching... but where else would we go? How can we say "no" to Jesus when he's the one we trust, love, believe is the one, the savior, etc.
Mike Erre (Saturday morning)
— Jesus is more radical than we ever thought he was or could be.
— Our faith should be a faith of action, that is doing or living the life of faith and not simply an intellectual pursuit.
— actions show what we really believe and eventually our actions should start showing that we are submitting to and trusting in Jesus and the Scriptures.
— following Jesus is doing and acting in such a way as we already are. When we gained faith and salvation in Jesus, our lives and destinies changed, he changed us... and we must put to death the ways of the old to accept the new life Christ has for us in this age and the age to come!
Jay Pathak (Saturday night)
— The Jesus story, the story we were all made for.
— The Jesus story is the one we should believe yet other stories compete for our hearts.
— People are inhibited from moving forward because of hurdles inside of us that must be jumped before we can see things change on the outside. Love with Jesus drives us forward through these hurdles....
— We must be rooted and established in Jesus (eph 3:14)
— We can do nothing (of significance) apart from Jesus (jn 15:5-17)
— Changes happens passively and not always actively.
— Everything God does in you moves from the inside out.
— Simple things become impossible when we're disconnected from Jesus — seek him first and ask him to uproot the weeds in our lives rather than just trying to hack away the weeds and leaving the roots behind. God wants to completely restore you, not manage your sin.
— Watch for bad fruit and know that it does not come from the Father
— If you love, you'll obey. If you obey, you will be loved. This is relational, obeying flows out of relationship.
— If you make me (Jesus) the priority, the center — I'll reveal and share things with you, the future will open.
— To see Jesus changes everything.... what's possible for me, what competes with him. wouldn't it be great if all of this was simple again, and it is with Jesus.
Jay Pathak (Sunday AM)
— Our lives at church and in the Kingdom are mroe real than all else...
— How do we stay there and not get lost in normalcy?
— We must know ourselves, our feers, our concerns, and believe that Jesus is more and have our hearts in a place where we're ready to respond in a moment.
— Take life by the horns, be real, be authentic.... the key issue that inhibits growth and realizing dreams is not a lack of knowledge or information but a need to release yourself from the things that bind you, your fears.
— We can be afraid and not know it, largely because of subtle fears that we are comfortable with such as insecurity, fear, shame, and doubt that prevent us from seeing the possible.
— Stop making excuses and be ready for the Lord and say "yes" to his calling...
— Don't waste your life waiting for the "right" time.
— Don't let fear keep you from taking chances. You'll make mistakes but every once in a while you'll get something right, really right. Though fear of making mistakes is normal, don't let it paralyze you from taking risks.
— Don't wait to see opportunities in the rear-view mirror.
— Remove resistance so you can move when God moves you to. (1 Peter 3:9)
— Don't worry, we can't make Jesus look bad, we can't.
— If we deal with our fear, we can then move when He leads... if you must be afraid, be afraid of God. Do not be afraid of this world or of man.
—Three main fears
1. Fear of Rejection (man). Don't be afraid of things that lead to death (symbolic and literal) because it is death that leads to life.
2. Fear of Failure. We all will fail but will you fail by not even trying or will you fail in your trying? Peter is looked at as a failure for not having enough faith to be able to walk all the way to Jesus on the water but remember, he was the only one who got up and attempted it (he got two steps before starting to sink), the rest simply looked on and had not enough faith to attempt such thing.
3. Fear of Success. Afraid that things will work out (if God really does come through) and that it will change my life, things may never be the same.
I'll post more soon but this is it for now...
Friday, July 10, 2009
I need a job Lord, please save me.
Today I continued my job search... online.
I'm realizing that I'm depressed and that I both majored and mastered in programs that were not really in demand. The Bureau of Labor Statistics says Planning as a job field will grow over the next few years but that projection was made before the credit crisis of 2008. I'm starting to get really tired of being unemployed.
I could listen to a sermon, read, or even pray but all of that just seems so futile now. I know that I'm under attack from the enemy today. He wants to steal my joy. It seems so easy to believe him when things are so bad right now. So bad in comparison to what I had hoped for — the land of milk and honey after getting a master's degree. At least I have food to eat and a house over my head (for now). The funny thing is that I don't know if I even want to be a planner anyway. At a time, I wanted to work for the church, I wanted to be a pastor. Today I think about how many classes would it take to get me to pass the CPA exam or get some sort of medical license. I think about serving, I think about selling. I think about how I'm in a spot right now.
Lord, please get me a job
I'm realizing that I'm depressed and that I both majored and mastered in programs that were not really in demand. The Bureau of Labor Statistics says Planning as a job field will grow over the next few years but that projection was made before the credit crisis of 2008. I'm starting to get really tired of being unemployed.
I could listen to a sermon, read, or even pray but all of that just seems so futile now. I know that I'm under attack from the enemy today. He wants to steal my joy. It seems so easy to believe him when things are so bad right now. So bad in comparison to what I had hoped for — the land of milk and honey after getting a master's degree. At least I have food to eat and a house over my head (for now). The funny thing is that I don't know if I even want to be a planner anyway. At a time, I wanted to work for the church, I wanted to be a pastor. Today I think about how many classes would it take to get me to pass the CPA exam or get some sort of medical license. I think about serving, I think about selling. I think about how I'm in a spot right now.
Lord, please get me a job
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I am proud and it is not good!
I had plans of writing a book this summer. When? I'm not sure, but I was thinking about it. I'm 25, pious and unwise, proud and unbridled, sarcastic and unfiltered. For now, I have my blog. As for writing books, the things that people pay money to buy and read, I should wait. My wisdom is limited, my perspective is unsure, I am uneasy. This is where I try to figure this stuff and other things out.
I am haughty and this is not something to prideful about. I judge most and tell others what I think. I try to polish it off, "calling a spade a spade," or something. Dissension will help no one but that doesn't stop me. I assail my pastor, other pastors and churches, brothers and sisters who sin in one way or the other. I am hardly ever rebuked or challenged and in many ways, I feel adrift in a sea of lawlessness and injustice. In my pain, in my hurting, I sometimes seek to take others down and for this I say I'm sorry and confess that this is behavior unbecoming of a disciple of Christ.
All I desire is to know him more. To know him more, I feel I must learn how to allow him to go out before me, and to respect the authority he has established. Respect the authority means placing yourself underneath that authority and allowing others to challenge, rebuke, encourage, guide, and direct me toward being a more faithful servant. I hope to find those believers.
Until I find those people, I'm left here to largely figure it out on my own. This pains me. I want to be under authority. Processing this here and now, beyond being under the authority of Christ, I want to be under the authority (and correction) of those who can help me be a more mature and effective disciple — notably older Christians who aren't tossed to and fro by the waves of this life.
Not to diminish the point above, for now I (pridefully) believe that it is possible to discern both Spiritually and through observation as to whether or not the actions of an individual are effective, helpful, biblical, etc. Is this being judgmental? Can the actions be judged and the person (their soul, character, etc.) be kept separate from their actions? Perhaps it matters as to whether or not the issues are black and white, or grey?
We can parse words all day but my heart shows that I am clearly guilty of malice and bitterness. I have willfully and wantonly engaged in these kinds of issues and have done so in a way that has been careful and I still feel as if I am leading to dissension and causing problems. I have no outlet but prayer and though appealing to the ultimate authority seems to be the obvious thing, it seems bothersome (immaturity?). All I can say is Lord help me, have mercy on my because I'm a sinner and miss the forest for the trees everyday! Bring me out of this fog, tear me down and make me humble!
I am haughty and this is not something to prideful about. I judge most and tell others what I think. I try to polish it off, "calling a spade a spade," or something. Dissension will help no one but that doesn't stop me. I assail my pastor, other pastors and churches, brothers and sisters who sin in one way or the other. I am hardly ever rebuked or challenged and in many ways, I feel adrift in a sea of lawlessness and injustice. In my pain, in my hurting, I sometimes seek to take others down and for this I say I'm sorry and confess that this is behavior unbecoming of a disciple of Christ.
All I desire is to know him more. To know him more, I feel I must learn how to allow him to go out before me, and to respect the authority he has established. Respect the authority means placing yourself underneath that authority and allowing others to challenge, rebuke, encourage, guide, and direct me toward being a more faithful servant. I hope to find those believers.
Until I find those people, I'm left here to largely figure it out on my own. This pains me. I want to be under authority. Processing this here and now, beyond being under the authority of Christ, I want to be under the authority (and correction) of those who can help me be a more mature and effective disciple — notably older Christians who aren't tossed to and fro by the waves of this life.
Not to diminish the point above, for now I (pridefully) believe that it is possible to discern both Spiritually and through observation as to whether or not the actions of an individual are effective, helpful, biblical, etc. Is this being judgmental? Can the actions be judged and the person (their soul, character, etc.) be kept separate from their actions? Perhaps it matters as to whether or not the issues are black and white, or grey?
We can parse words all day but my heart shows that I am clearly guilty of malice and bitterness. I have willfully and wantonly engaged in these kinds of issues and have done so in a way that has been careful and I still feel as if I am leading to dissension and causing problems. I have no outlet but prayer and though appealing to the ultimate authority seems to be the obvious thing, it seems bothersome (immaturity?). All I can say is Lord help me, have mercy on my because I'm a sinner and miss the forest for the trees everyday! Bring me out of this fog, tear me down and make me humble!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)