Five Months Later, on the path

I had told my self that I wouldn't blog for a while. Not because blogging is bad or anything but that one can spend too much time doing it and that it may be just a distraction from the real world. I still think this but I'm lonely this hot Friday night in July and just after eating, why not reflect on what's going on in my life. Some friends read this or may if I prompt with an email explaining a post is up that explains what's up in my life, what I'm thinking about today — maybe they'll read.

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First, I didn't switch churches and found a new small group. Some of the older posts may eventually be hidden because they either aren't relevant or say inflammatory things that I'm not sure I support anymore. The best thing I can say about this is that I think I have relied to heavily on post modernity to provide a basis for opinions and this is at expense of the Gospel that is more than sufficient than anything I could try to spout off. In the end, my words are just simply opinions and are meaningless unless God speaks through them. In my estimation, some posts just don't smell right if you know what I mean and they may go. If you read further back, please know this.

Secondly, I'm in a different place now — starting to have my quarter life crisis as I'm looking for my first non-campus apartment with someone who may or may not be going to live with me. At this time I'm trying to figure out who my friends are when more people are graduating, moving away and those I do know are sometimes distant or too busy to be friends. Also, I though I found a small group but at this point, I think I may be looking for another so yeah. One week to Breathe 08 and, well, it's time to spend time with God and let him give me a name, let him figure out my madness.

While cleaning my room, in preparation for that move where I've got no clue where I'm going, I found a letter from a brother of mine — Wes. As Wes was admonished, I think I will take time to do the same soon. In the mean time, can I say that I am incredibly thankful for my friendship with Wes and also Dan, Dustin, Blake, RH, Mike Sch., Eric A., Brandon, Michael, and Patrick M. These brothers in Christ help me understand things that I have trouble with and most importantly, I believe they love me as a brother and I know that several will be there for me when I need a brother to intervene. I also want to thank my other friends including Ben who has more patience for me than most Christians and my fellow CRPers who help me cut loose every once in a while. There are others but there are only so many ASCII characters to express one's feelings. I hope to write letters to some of these people and I hope they will be encouraging.

For the rest, this is a general letter explaining what's up in my life. If you want to know more, come talk to me rather than stalking my internet blog.

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God is Good. Things can suck but I know that the Lord is good to all who call on his name and this is the same for me. And to help make the most of next weekend at Breathe, I'm going to try to take some time to get away and really draw close to God this next week. At this time in my life, it is so important to know who I am in Christ and this has been echoed by several in my life and I need to take the time so I will do so next week and I pray that God shows up!

At this point, I'm unemployed and waiting for interviews for internships that I may not get. I'm about one half to two thirds through a masters degree in something I'm not sure I really want to do for the rest of my life. I think I'm starting to realize that God may be placing calls on my life and I guess I'm not sure when and what they will entail. Does this mean I should drop out, does this mean I should study something else. What does this all mean? At about $7,000 a quarter, it is expensive to keep going unless I'll work long enough to pay off these loans — maybe 5 to 8 years if I live a very simple life and get a fair salary. Of course in this economy, getting a job may be the real battle.

I enjoy planning (my masters degree). Going to Mississippi to help a county prepare a physical plan for a beach was a fun and rewarding task. Future projects I hope to work on appear to be good uses of my time as well. I can see myself working for a city helping to plan for development, neighborhoods, and maybe feeling good about what I do. Lots of things interest me so I'm sure that I'd find my niche. The problem is that I also want to be involved at the church.

To be involved is maybe an understatement. I have a desire to be used by God for whatever he's calling me toward. For now, this is blurry, but I think church planting is something he's giving me a passion for. Also, he's giving me a passion for the church as a whole and for the lost — trying to understand God, theology, culture, philosophy, and so much more. In the mean time, I want to use my gifts and do what God is calling me to do now — which I think is finish my degree and try to dig in a lot deeper regarding some personal issues and maybe get a chance to use those gifts he's giving me.

Regardless of all of this, I know God loves me and that he's being patient with me and I am thankful for this. I know that righteousness is something God is calling me to fight for right now and this is hard! I fail at times but it's more of a priority, seeking to live rightly as a follower of Jesus. This doesn't mean moralism, it means learning how to live as a follower of Jesus, walking in his ways and in his Grace.

To this end, I'm looking for mentorship and discipleship and I hope to be able to mentor and/or disciple others and use my other gifts to build up the church. I'm also looking for people who can help me figure out the Gospel beyond what seems to be dry, dogmatic and offensive theology. I know the Gospel is offensive but God calls us to love and I know to share the Gospel is a part of that. I want to share that message in a way that communicates love and makes sense. Maybe a good place to start is what Jesus' has done in my life, but I also know that things like the Word, Orthodoxy and Theology are so very important yet some of these are they very things that turn friends off to Jesus. They are things that give me peace and reassurance yet point to a singular truth that is opposed by post modernists. Maybe this is why Paul says he "suffers" for the Gospel, why he begs people to consider it.

Away from this for a few minutes, at this time in my life I'm going to take more of an interest in trying to seek what I want — a closer relationship with Jesus, close relationships, vibrant community, friends, opportunities to use gifts as well as mentor and be mentored. Most importantly to know who I am in Christ and to be a better follower — one who goes where he is led. Other things may seem daunting but Christ will provide and if it is God's will, I will be able to do everything he is calling me to do. I pray and hope that his Will will be my own and that I will be faithful.

As for my dreams and the kinds of things I think Christ may be putting on me, I want to see Christians of my age and generation awake and be alive in Christ. I pray that many would come to know Him and that they would not languish in the Church but that they'd be alive in Christ and respond to the calls he will place on their lives. I pray the lost would be found, the hurt would be healed, the disbelieving would fall at the foot of the cross. I pray faith would be something this generation talks about and that our world would be changed because of it. I pray that many would come to know Jesus and that regeneration and revival would fill the earth. In the midst of this, it's my prayer that Jesus will use me to bring His Kingdom! It is my prayer that Jesus will use me to help wake his Church.

For now, this is the path I'm on but Lord, I will continue to seek you out and pursue you — even if my dreams must die to realize your more perfect and awesome dreams for my life. It's just hard to keep doing what I'm doing in school if this is my destiny. For all I know, I could die tomorrow or in just a few years and may miss my calling (despite the fact that my days are numbered and that Christ knows my calling). So why am I wasting my time on my "Plan B" if this isn't what I really want to do? Yes, this is a good question and I only wish I knew the answer God was giving me on this.