Hope Shines

The depression broke by Monday morning, like a fever letting up. Things are okay now.

I've been listening to some conference tapes of Brennan Manning in '93 from a college in Washington and it is, well, excellent. Not because I learn but because God is communicating something through those tapes. Simply God loves me as I am and nothing I do will change that. He'd love me to become more like Christ and find life in him but he still loves me now more than ever, more than anything.

Today's session went well until I was asked the question "how do I know God? As Father, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit." I blanked and tried to answer the question but maybe deflected. I recommitted my life today but for some reason I felt like there was a wall, like I could not think or feel.... it was weird. With prompting for what to say from my counselor with words like "repent" and "express your thankfulness," I tried to get through that prayer. Something is wrong in me, that I do not understand the cross, Jesus and what he had to go through. I do not feel like I know God though I know he fully knows and fully loves me. I eagerly ask God to do things but I seldom listen to hear what he has to say to me, look to see what he looks like, listen to hear how he sounds like, etc. Either I fail or Satan is eff-ing with me or something.

So I'll be going to a new small group if - if possible - tomorrow. Not because I so desperately need to or was justified by my counselor but because there's no harm in looking and seeing what's out there and if I feel like God is calling me to another group, then so be it. If not, I'll be back in a jiffy....

I should place more of an effort to get to know who this God guy is — go on a trip with him, read his word, listen to his voice, etc. I pray I'll make this a priority soon.

I must go soon....
Please pray that God will continue to show me Himself, especially his heart of compassion.
Please pray that I will be moved and changed.
Please pray that I will find some friends who I can live life with.
Please pray that I will eagerly pursue him and then healing.
Please pray that I will find lasting joy and peace in the Lord soon.