Discerning the "right" course of action

Discerning is not something that I am especially good at. I would like to think I have wisdom and good discernment and that's why I've lived with some interesting people including a compulsive lier and thief, a deadbeat poker player who slept on my couch for over a month, and perhaps some others that it may be best to say we just never really got each other.

So, now I am at a time where I feel not very satisfied with my decision to pursue a masters, mostly because a few friends question whether it was really God's will for me to do it. I thought it was and now I wonder if I want to be a pastor (this has been a reoccurring theme btw) and not a planner. Quite simply, a friend pointed out to me today, there are a lot of starving pastors and few actually get to do it for their full time job. Realizing this, I feel more comfortable in pursuing a direction that God can call me out of whenever he wants to. Maybe this is a bad perspective but I have few other options. Grad school is my choice because I want a good job so I can be productive and I don't think there's much wrong with that. I realize I won't find satisfaction there, I won't find security there, I won't find salvation there and as long as my job does not become my god, I should be O.K.

On to other matters though — I want some things at this point in my life:
— First, I want to be free of sexual sin. I think the vast majority struggle with it and I need God to continue to give me a heart after him, the strength to fight urges and the desire to be righteous in this area of my life.
— Second, I want to be in community with people who will watch my back, who will be Jesus to me when I need it, who will help me fight the good fight.
— Third, I want to have chances to use my gifts in leadership and to develop gifts in teaching and communicating the Gospel. Help me be more loving and extend more grace.
— Fourth, I want opportunities to mentor and be mentored. I don't know what this looks like and I struggle to find examples but this is something I desire — to have people who can speak into my life and help guide my walk and I desire to do the same for others.
— Fifth, I want to be a part of a real, thriving, vibrant small group that knows why it exists and is actually functional for more of a purpose than simply to build community.
— Sixth and most importantly, I want to draw closer to God than I ever have. I want more of a need to spend time with him, worshiping and praying, reading His Word, etc. My desire is to say yes to Him more in my life.

In response, I'm going to start chasing after these things. When I describe to a friend that my life feels like I'm just waiting on a bed to die in a nursing home — with nothing really asked or expected of me from my group and my friends... I've got to realize something is wrong. It may not be my group but then again I desire relationships where people care who I am, what I struggle with, what I need prayer for. With these desires unsatisfied, it may be that I need to get out of this group. This is a group seemingly without vision or purpose, a group that acts as if prayer, pushing into God, and pushing each other toward Christ to be optional functions. Passion instills passion and right now, I need fellow passionate Believers to live life with. I'm going to challenge my leaders and if I don't get the response I want, I'm moving on.

And describing some of this for a friend, she wondered if I'd start a new group. My response was simply that it is not my goal or desire to further splinter the church. I don't want power or position to pursue my ideals... I just want Biblical community that earnestly strives to seek, worship, and love the Father and do his will here on earth. I guess the difference is that if I can't find that group, I have few qualms about trying to start that group.

As for me, I want to six things above. I also desperately need people who will help me learn what love is and how to love more. I need people who will help push me to learn the Word so that every time I open my mouth it isn't just Eric's sinful, post-modern perspective / opinion spewing fourth. I want to know the Truth, to move by the leading of the Spirit, to preach with power and authority, to love like Jesus loves.

If this is what I want, I've got to go for it. I've got to start communicating this, making moves toward this... and Lord knows that if I am to keep any integrity, it will try to do it within the church. I will respect my leadership and do as they ask no matter how screwed up things seem. I am a member, I am under pastoral leadership and will submit to it until God tells me to go. I realize that God uses imperfect people and imperfect churches to display His spender, glory, and grace because he wants us to know that it is Him and not these people doing the good work. I want to be where I'm called and for now, this is here in this time and place. I will be faithful with what is in front of me. I pray that as God calls me, I will move.