Decisions

I guess I want to vocalize some of my thoughts and feelings. This is raw me and I hope I don't disparage anyone.

It's understood that I am a sinner who is egotistical, greedy, selfish, self-reliant, and prideful. Big surprise? No, not really.

A month ago, I was fearful that I would never get a job as a planner, forever stuck working in the call center, and that I'd stay for a long time in my current small group where I feel like I am stagnant — not growing or maturing. Today, I am about 10 days out from starting a new job, praise Jesus!

Given this, I started thinking about moving closer to my job so I wouldn't have to drive an hour plus every day. I started thinking about a small walkable neighborhood on a bus line from work. The new neighborhood provides new opportunities to change churches, small groups, and friend groups. I'm not sure that I want all of this but my sinful self is not getting what it wants. How do I know where I should go and what I should do.

I guess the answer is to pray, pray that the Lord would guide my steps and decisions. I will but I also expect that the decision, short of God telling me go this way, will be one where I at least consider the situation and apply wisdom to the situation. If I were happy at my current church, things wouldn't be a big deal. But I'm not.

Maybe because when I think about what I want church to be, I think that I want it to be a place where the bible is taught, where I grow, where I can lead, where I can flourish, where great things are happening, where we're all happy, where Jesus is no. 1, where I get to gain experience leading and eventually get a group or something so that I can learn how to pastor well. This kind of a church doesn't exist and my expectations are wrong, selfish, unbiblical, judgmental, and unrealizable.

What I need to do is pray for God to lead me and speak to me. Pray that I might be taken under the wings of people who are close to the Lord and that I may grow in wisdom and knowledge, faith and love, sacrifice and selflessness. I think I know everything and yet it shows how little I know. I think I have my act together but any real examination shows that I am a mess. I want to change things up, in hopes that another group of people will be able to fulfill what I'm looking for and what's funny is that I already know that they can't. No ministry opportunity, no encouragement, no relationship, no mentorship, no church, no pastor, no nobody can do what I need done. Simply put, I need to submit to the authority, grace, and friendship of Jesus Christ.

I am responsible for whether or not I grow or spend time with Jesus. No one else is responsible, I am responsible for that. I choose to pass that buck onto others and yet it is mine and can't be passed! I entered this blogging session thinking about how does one choose what church to belong to. That's like asking what are the qualities of the team you want to be on. The trick is, no one ever said that you could make up your own team or simply trade whenever you want. That defeats the point perhaps.

And what is that point? Well, that God has placed you where he wants you to bring about something in your life and in the lives of others. That may still result in you leaving but only under narrow and careful evaluation of things that really matter.

The short list off the top of my head.
1. Is the Bible taught?
2. Is the Bible held in highest esteem?
3. Is the focus on Jesus and God?
4. Is the Trinity worshiped?
5. Is the Holy Spirit acknowledged and welcomed?
6. Does the church pray and encourage praying?
7. Does the church exist for Jesus or its members?
8. Is the church concerned for the things Jesus would be concerned about?
9. Does the church and its people have a desire to pursue holiness?
10. Does the church encourage people to pursue Jesus or something else?
11. Is the church outward focused on a.) evangelizing, growing, and planting; and b.) serving and equipping servants to help those who need help?
12. Does the church baptize and disciple its believers?
13. Is there respect for the Sacraments and the Word?

So there's a list. If I don't see something that should be happening, should I leave or do something about it. What happens when your church is so big that it's nicknamed "the company" and to affect change is to cross burning bridges only to be ostracized. Not sure that this is a fair representation but it may be. What do we do though? Do we move on or do we pray and work to help our church grow?

Reminds me of how people just move from new house to new house, never investing in a city or neighborhood. They just throw it all away and move on when they're tired of something. Is that sustainable? Is that biblical? Nope, that's American and nope, that's probably not how our churches will prosper. This being said, the wise solder knows when to fight and when to retreat (as they're still alive). Can you tell that I'm tired as I write this?

Anyways, wrapping it up. I guess I need to pray and ask for guidance. Perhaps if I actually start going to church, these issues will go away. If they don't, maybe I should talk to someone? In the mean time, please pray that Jesus would continue to sanctify me and grow me, bring about more of a desire to personally grow closer to him and find my satisfaction and joy in him.

Amen

Update

Hey friends,

A few updates. I am being considered as a final candidate for a position with a planning and engineering consultancy here in Columbus. This is kind of crazy to be one of the final contestants — I hope I get the job but if I don't, I will press on. This has been quite a difficult journey but I'm willing to go on. I pray the Lord would use all of this to draw me even closer to him, more important than any job, my possessions, or even my health, liberty, or life.

On a second note, I recently installed Picasa on my computer and it found some interesting j-pegs. Some of my favorite are provided below. These are all things that I made or photographed unless otherwise noted.


One of my finer creations freshman year. Unfortunately we couldn't get it published (too close to 9/11) but the newspaper guys thought it was a riot - no pun intended.


Yes, this happened.


They are funny and I wish we all were still living together. Note the hotdog bun in the shirt pocket.


Yes, I did jump into mirror lake once in my life.