I write this from the dining room of my new place. Thanks to the graciousness of my roommate, landlord and friend, I can have my computer and desk in the dining room. I am thankful because without this I would be typing in a stuffy basement away from the view of those who could comfort, encourage, and hold me accountable. A year of being a recluse may soon be worked out of me.
I am thankful to the Lord that he has provided this house for me to live in, to enjoy with some great roommates. These are great roommates that I will quarrel with, celebrate with, and pursue You with. I am so rough around the edges, so jealous, so greedy, so envious, so depraved and yet now I live in someone else's house of who I need to respect, love, follow, and bless. I will fail but from my failure will come grace and lessons learned, this will be a good year.
And yet at work today, by far the worst day yet, I really question whether I want to continue pursuing planning or really anything else like that. This one internship can't reflect on what all of planning must be like but I'll say that I don't want to spend the rest of my working years (or even just one more year) sifting through development text, making plans, working with the public, babying developers to make sure they implement the changes you required, etc. Oh the work required to help shape a city into the gem that everyone hopes for — the work must be rewarding (still trying to get that feeling) but perhaps not for me.
I would rather help shape individuals and communities of believers over cities and nations. These things will crumble and burn but building up people and churches, that work will stand for eternity. And in no way is this more evident than this stupid bikeway project I'm working on. The trails without maintenance will just fall a part and though the city required developers to build them, there's no money to maintain them. In our rough economic times, few are worried about taking care of bikepaths that run next to superior neighborhood streets for one's riding pleasure. I'm trying to be conservative regarding my approach but it really isn't my decision. And paths built just 15 to 10 years ago are already breaking apart and will require gobs of money to fix.
Compare this with the fruit of one's labor in teaching and preaching, in praying and building up fellow believers. Today I felt like my slow computer was eating my soul and leading me toward death and yet, last night while praying for a friend and possibly helping to heal her of a painful fall, I felt alive and with purpose. Doing the work of the Kingdom is my hope for a career and if I'm supposed to get out of this, I pray God would do something soon.
And that something may have little if anything to do with getting me out of the program or workplace. In fact, who am I to say that this wandering path will not lead directly to where I feel like God's eventually leading me. Planning teaches you a lot about how not to lead, plan, etc. and this will lead to blessing for the church. Certainly the career path matches my skills but just not my desire for a more vibrant, more faithful, more alive church. And as I write this, I am reminded again that it is Christ who does all of this and yet so much more — I have no power to make any of these things happen yet we know Christ uses people to bring about his will, his purpose, his Kingdom. I wish to be one of those people.
So tomorrow I'm eating left over Chipotlé stored in one of our two fridges. Maybe I'll get some significant GIS work done tomorrow, maybe I'll feel better about using my skills to improve people's lives even in a seemingly insignificant way. In this time, God is moving to change me, to mold me, to make me more like Him. Who knew the awkward times trying to figure out what to do at work, trying to be honest, trying to deal with rush hour traffic could, perhaps, build character? Could be used to help us understand that we are not the center of the universe (from Matt Chandler).
Jesus, you're the center of the universe and I want you more than everything else and if I have to loose my life (abandon my degree, career, etc.) to follow you, I will.
I love you Dad,
All Glory, Honor, and Power is yours Amen!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Where I'm at
I just want to jot a few things down on this night. I move tomorrow to a new house with new roommates and in many ways a new life. I started a job last week and can I say that dressing pretty and shaving every day so that you can stare into a computer monitor sucks? I start counseling next Wednesday and a support group on the 2nd. Things are changing and I hope that they will be for the better.
At the end of a long night, the sky starts to get blue from black, eventually you see rays of sun through the sky. A day is being born. A sunrise that may rival any sunset is forming while you can still see your breath; feel what it's like to be alive.
I've got so much more to pack and I think to myself, why do I have so much? It is such a burden, it is such a waste. When boxes haven't been unpacked for two moves now, is not now the time to throw things out? To give them away? To sell them?
But the sky seems still to be dark. Lust, pride, and depression have formed a thick blanket of clouds and I feel smothered. How do you help people who don't want to help themselves? How do you tell a numb person to feel, to think, to decide, to act, to destroy what binds them to death? How does one change one's self? Well there's an answer there — one cannot change one's self. Lord, Father, Dad — please help me as I fell, I hurt, I don't know what to do.
I am a saint, twice bought and owned by Christ, who has a sin problem, who is paranoid, who is a control freak, who hates one's self, who has little hope, who feels like they're living two lives. The one they want to live in Christ and the one on the fast track, careening into an eternity of death and destruction, perversion and pain. Oh I just wish this night could be over and that I, once again, could feel the joy and peace of being in the presence of my Father, who deeply loves me and will be forever praised, Amen.
At the end of a long night, the sky starts to get blue from black, eventually you see rays of sun through the sky. A day is being born. A sunrise that may rival any sunset is forming while you can still see your breath; feel what it's like to be alive.
I've got so much more to pack and I think to myself, why do I have so much? It is such a burden, it is such a waste. When boxes haven't been unpacked for two moves now, is not now the time to throw things out? To give them away? To sell them?
But the sky seems still to be dark. Lust, pride, and depression have formed a thick blanket of clouds and I feel smothered. How do you help people who don't want to help themselves? How do you tell a numb person to feel, to think, to decide, to act, to destroy what binds them to death? How does one change one's self? Well there's an answer there — one cannot change one's self. Lord, Father, Dad — please help me as I fell, I hurt, I don't know what to do.
I am a saint, twice bought and owned by Christ, who has a sin problem, who is paranoid, who is a control freak, who hates one's self, who has little hope, who feels like they're living two lives. The one they want to live in Christ and the one on the fast track, careening into an eternity of death and destruction, perversion and pain. Oh I just wish this night could be over and that I, once again, could feel the joy and peace of being in the presence of my Father, who deeply loves me and will be forever praised, Amen.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Who and what are we worshiping?
"'Hosanah Save Us' on Monday, 'Crucify him' on Friday.
"They did not love him for him (who he was) but rather for what he had done."
—Matt Chandler
More on this soon
"They did not love him for him (who he was) but rather for what he had done."
—Matt Chandler
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Funny posting - maybe?
I thought this was funny but I'm not sure why
3 guys need one more roommate for 08-09! - $247
Posted: Tue Aug 5 Expires in 90 days Report as inappropriate Share
We have 4 bedrooms and only 3 are filled. We are a bunch of regualar guys; one english major, one business major and one special education major. What we are looking for is Cory Matthews on the weekdays and Shawn Hunter on the weekends. We like playstation, movies and sports. The apartment is across the street from Jesse Owens South, one block from campus and two short blocks from the South Campus Gateway. The apartment is 3 stories and really cool. Email Kevin at balogh.28@osu.edu if you are interested. We are scheduled to move in on September 16, and the lease goes until September 2, 2009.
Location
1586 Worthington Ave. @ 10th Ave., Columbus, OH
3 guys need one more roommate for 08-09! - $247
Posted: Tue Aug 5 Expires in 90 days Report as inappropriate Share
We have 4 bedrooms and only 3 are filled. We are a bunch of regualar guys; one english major, one business major and one special education major. What we are looking for is Cory Matthews on the weekdays and Shawn Hunter on the weekends. We like playstation, movies and sports. The apartment is across the street from Jesse Owens South, one block from campus and two short blocks from the South Campus Gateway. The apartment is 3 stories and really cool. Email Kevin at balogh.28@osu.edu if you are interested. We are scheduled to move in on September 16, and the lease goes until September 2, 2009.
Location
1586 Worthington Ave. @ 10th Ave., Columbus, OH
Friday, August 1, 2008
Relationships, Transformation, and Some Thoughts
Relationships
Dan and I try to get lunch once a week, maybe every other week at the latest. We've been friends for five years this fall and he is one of the few friends in my life that I would describe as an Oak tree. Beyond Dan, there are a few other solid trees in my garden of friends but as I described to him, I lack these significant friendships in the context of my group and really my church. The kind of friendships that will last, people who will do what is needed to protect you from the evil one, who will confront you when you do wrong, who will endure suffering to help you when you need help. Oh, I am thankful for Dan and I wish I had more friendships with people who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and eagerly desire to see me grow in devotion and likeness to Him! Oh Lord, please show me who these people are.
Transformation
God is doing stuff in my life and this is sweet yet I am not necessarily all smiles. Here's some of the stuff that God is doing:
1) Showing me that he desires good and perfect gifts (discerned in prayer at Breathe, July 19th). In so doing, He is providing what I need. I've got an internship, a roommate, soon an apartment and perhaps some other stuff in the works.
2) Telling me not to worry about the call to be a pastor or a leader because at this time, these are not things that he's calling me to in this season. (discerned at Breathe, July 19th)
2b) The pursuit of trying to figure out these things grew to an obsession and I think the desire to possibly become a pastor was simply not from God and could probably be labeled idolatry. (discerned during ministry time at the close of Joshua House on July 27th).
3) Telling me that I need to focus on knowing who I am in Christ (a repeating theme, perhaps solidified on Sunday, July 27th and Thursday, July 31th). God has a specific plan and purpose for my life and I need to stop pursuing things that he hasn't called me to. Knowing that idolatry is a problem, repenting and focusing on Christ.
4) Idolatry in Kingdom Stuff, and potential rewards of the Kingdom. Realizing that I place too much of a focus on trying to get freedom from sexual sin, in becoming a leader, in fixing my small group, in using my gifts to do great stuff, in seeing the church renewed, in feeling the presence of God, in receiving the gifts of God. My desire for all of these things pulls my worship and adoration away from Christ for Christ's sake to worshiping Christ for he is the one who can deliver me. Worship in this state of idolatry is based on my level of success in reaching what I desire, not based on the divinity and thankfulness of Christ as Lord! (discerned over the past month, Tuesday, July 29 and Thursday, July 31).
5) And finally, maybe not a positive change in the area of lust and sexual brokenness — I was tempted by an ad I read on Craigslist for someone seeking a place to live in exchange for cooking, chores, and whatever else someone might need detailing this person's age, weight and features. I fell fast, just a couple days later and it was hard to get past that but I have to remember that those wells are dry, that they don't quench my thirst and that only Christ can do that. I wasn't even trying to find such an ad but simply looking for people who needed roommates.... Lesson learned: I am weak and I am very able to slip and fall and be dragged into temptation and the schemes of the evil one. I need to know, trust and celebrate the Truth that Jesus is sufficient, that Jesus loves me, that Jesus will eventually transform my heart and bring freedom from sexual brokenness, that someday I'll live in a world where I don't have to struggle with this anymore. I must seek out this Jesus and die to the world so that I can find Life in Him.
Some thoughts as I proceed forward.
1) I need to stop thinking I can fix other people, my group, etc. Either I like my group and I'm going to stay or I'm going to leave because I don't feel like I want to wait for something to happen. I think about group outside of group and I feel like we don't get along, we don't really do anything together, like we're not compatible... "it's not you, it's me — thing...." I think I'll give it a week or two more and see how things change, or don't change. Maybe I'll like say something, who knows.
2) I need to work on my dating relationship with Jesus. I know this sounds retarded^2 because Jesus is a dude and dating God is crazy. Anyways, this would be a metaphor for purposefully making time for us to hang out (me, alone without distractions and with God... time to pray and listen, time to read the Word and listen, time to commune with God. I'd love to do this everyday but I can't so maybe I'll start with one or two several hour dates during the week. Perhaps this fall I'll have an evening and/or a morning for time between me and God.
3) Why do I hide who I am; fake who I am?
- I am a saint
- (yet) I sin
- I struggle with the affects of sexual brokenness
- I am hurting
- I am vulnerable
- I am weak but in Christ I am strong.
- I can't change hearts
- I can't fix people
- I can't fix groups
- I can't fix churches
- I must seek wholly after Jesus
- I must increase my knowledge of the Truth, theology.
- I must surround myself with more people who care enough to try to understand what I'm going through and who are open to be used by God to help me find healing.
- I must not be deceived, I cannot do this on my own
- I must find more friends who desire to be oaks of faith in my life.
- I must wait until God calls me out of this season to move as he would have me move.
Dan and I try to get lunch once a week, maybe every other week at the latest. We've been friends for five years this fall and he is one of the few friends in my life that I would describe as an Oak tree. Beyond Dan, there are a few other solid trees in my garden of friends but as I described to him, I lack these significant friendships in the context of my group and really my church. The kind of friendships that will last, people who will do what is needed to protect you from the evil one, who will confront you when you do wrong, who will endure suffering to help you when you need help. Oh, I am thankful for Dan and I wish I had more friendships with people who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and eagerly desire to see me grow in devotion and likeness to Him! Oh Lord, please show me who these people are.
Transformation
God is doing stuff in my life and this is sweet yet I am not necessarily all smiles. Here's some of the stuff that God is doing:
1) Showing me that he desires good and perfect gifts (discerned in prayer at Breathe, July 19th). In so doing, He is providing what I need. I've got an internship, a roommate, soon an apartment and perhaps some other stuff in the works.
2) Telling me not to worry about the call to be a pastor or a leader because at this time, these are not things that he's calling me to in this season. (discerned at Breathe, July 19th)
2b) The pursuit of trying to figure out these things grew to an obsession and I think the desire to possibly become a pastor was simply not from God and could probably be labeled idolatry. (discerned during ministry time at the close of Joshua House on July 27th).
3) Telling me that I need to focus on knowing who I am in Christ (a repeating theme, perhaps solidified on Sunday, July 27th and Thursday, July 31th). God has a specific plan and purpose for my life and I need to stop pursuing things that he hasn't called me to. Knowing that idolatry is a problem, repenting and focusing on Christ.
4) Idolatry in Kingdom Stuff, and potential rewards of the Kingdom. Realizing that I place too much of a focus on trying to get freedom from sexual sin, in becoming a leader, in fixing my small group, in using my gifts to do great stuff, in seeing the church renewed, in feeling the presence of God, in receiving the gifts of God. My desire for all of these things pulls my worship and adoration away from Christ for Christ's sake to worshiping Christ for he is the one who can deliver me. Worship in this state of idolatry is based on my level of success in reaching what I desire, not based on the divinity and thankfulness of Christ as Lord! (discerned over the past month, Tuesday, July 29 and Thursday, July 31).
5) And finally, maybe not a positive change in the area of lust and sexual brokenness — I was tempted by an ad I read on Craigslist for someone seeking a place to live in exchange for cooking, chores, and whatever else someone might need detailing this person's age, weight and features. I fell fast, just a couple days later and it was hard to get past that but I have to remember that those wells are dry, that they don't quench my thirst and that only Christ can do that. I wasn't even trying to find such an ad but simply looking for people who needed roommates.... Lesson learned: I am weak and I am very able to slip and fall and be dragged into temptation and the schemes of the evil one. I need to know, trust and celebrate the Truth that Jesus is sufficient, that Jesus loves me, that Jesus will eventually transform my heart and bring freedom from sexual brokenness, that someday I'll live in a world where I don't have to struggle with this anymore. I must seek out this Jesus and die to the world so that I can find Life in Him.
Some thoughts as I proceed forward.
1) I need to stop thinking I can fix other people, my group, etc. Either I like my group and I'm going to stay or I'm going to leave because I don't feel like I want to wait for something to happen. I think about group outside of group and I feel like we don't get along, we don't really do anything together, like we're not compatible... "it's not you, it's me — thing...." I think I'll give it a week or two more and see how things change, or don't change. Maybe I'll like say something, who knows.
2) I need to work on my dating relationship with Jesus. I know this sounds retarded^2 because Jesus is a dude and dating God is crazy. Anyways, this would be a metaphor for purposefully making time for us to hang out (me, alone without distractions and with God... time to pray and listen, time to read the Word and listen, time to commune with God. I'd love to do this everyday but I can't so maybe I'll start with one or two several hour dates during the week. Perhaps this fall I'll have an evening and/or a morning for time between me and God.
3) Why do I hide who I am; fake who I am?
- I am a saint
- (yet) I sin
- I struggle with the affects of sexual brokenness
- I am hurting
- I am vulnerable
- I am weak but in Christ I am strong.
- I can't change hearts
- I can't fix people
- I can't fix groups
- I can't fix churches
- I must seek wholly after Jesus
- I must increase my knowledge of the Truth, theology.
- I must surround myself with more people who care enough to try to understand what I'm going through and who are open to be used by God to help me find healing.
- I must not be deceived, I cannot do this on my own
- I must find more friends who desire to be oaks of faith in my life.
- I must wait until God calls me out of this season to move as he would have me move.
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