Numbness and Apathy Continues

So today is Saturday the 6th. Again, I had nothing to do on a Friday night. Yes, I spent some time with a friend earlier in the evening but nothing in the evening. I thought I was going to hang out with friends, maybe smoke some hookah (flavored tobacco) with friends but that didn't pan out. I ended up going to bed around 9pm because I was really tired and also because I was quite lonely. Compounding the loneliness were a couple actions that were meant to rest my lustful desires and yet one still feels lonely, still feels down.

I wonder about the effect of people who are addicted to sex, porn and masturbation. A cnn.com article mentioned about how these people are addicted to the high you get when you do these things and that most find it difficult overcome. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a part of the 3 to 6 percent of America that is thought to suffer from this. Sometimes I wonder if 3 to 6 percent is a really low estimate.

I think I am realizing more that the needs of my community and my own needs are really different. Like, I'd like friends but most the people in my group already have friends. Like, I want to significantly grow in my knowledge and relationship with Christ yet either other people already have or have other priorities like work or relationships that are getting in the way (at least for us to have this bond). I really want a community where others are challenging me and pushing me on to run the race, to be active but instead, I'm usually standing still and seemingly quite numb in my faith walk. I know I'll get busier but this is a priority I want to make (though current decisions and lifestyle choices say otherwise - i.e. not praying or reading the word as much as I should, if ever).

Certainly, I cannot blame my group for everything and I can't. I am personally accountable before Jesus for what I do with my life. The question is, can I reasonably expect to be able to change the culture of my group or not? And the answer is quite simply "no." Not because they're not changeable but because only God can change our hearts and that's what we need. My understanding is this, if we as a group don't desire to change our hearts on these things then we will most likely not see the Lord breaking in and changing our hearts. God can do whatever he wants but Jesus wants us to ask him to help us.

As for me though, I started a support group for my sexual issues and have started to go see a counselor. Regarding the group, I am starting to dread the fact that they'll want me to share what I'm struggling with in deep detail and that I should share that at no points this week have I been repentant and tried to stop acting on my lust. More than that, I'll have to share the content of my lust with people who I fear will not understand, will not have the grace and love of Christ. At times I feel like this is not a safe place to cry, a safe place to heal.

In many ways right now, I'm upset about the things going on around me. I hate the idea that I'm starting to work (despite the fact that not working makes you feel so worthless) and not able to have the freedom to hang out with people, etc. Work adds so much structure to your life, as if 2/3rds of my week are now gone and that things will now move so much slower until, well, I die. Again, not realistic. I could also say I'm upset that I'm not more repentant about my sin, not more grieved by the Spirit. I should have hope that I will have more Joy as these were words given to me and yet for some reason, Words from the Lord feel useless to me. Parts of me feel like at times that I am beyond the cross — a lie from the enemy but when you don't feel condemnation from the Spirit when you're in open opposition, there's not much else I can think of to explain it.

As for what to do... I've got this paper taped to my computer with something written on it. Words of wisdom from a friend's counselor. "If it doesn't work, try something else, try a different way." Secondly, "Push people, tell them what you want and if they balk, move on." Perhaps it's time to start applying these concepts.