Breathe 08 — God is good!

Breathe went by really fast this year but here are some good things that happened:

— God reminded me that he loves me, wants the best for me, and will do great stuff in my life and give me perfect gifts.

— God is pleased with my open and soft heart, and my heart of service.

— God has plans for my life, plans to prosper me, plans to use me and increase the gift of leadership in me.

— God likes to surprise us (see story below).

— God may trying to develop a gifting to help bring healing to the sick.


Prayer with the Pickerills
So, as previous mentioned here, I am wondering about pastoring as a calling and profession. I was talking to a friend, Grace, after the service that maybe I should have Eric Pickerill pray with me as he's leaving to plant a church in Amsterdam. I don't really know if pastoring is something that is being placed on me and maybe God will give him discernment. So I decide to ask Eric to pray for me (after weeks of being prodded by Patrick, another friend). At the end of the session, I see Eric but he's busy — about to dismiss the session and then later on a cell phone. Talking to Grace, I notice him leaving on a bike and think "Oh crap, he's leaving and now we won't be able to pray."

I then meet up with Patrick, who has been harassing me for weeks to pray with this guy. Patrick's like, "every time you see him, you walk near and then look around and walk away..." and I didn't realize that I do this but I guess I do — Anyway. Walking out of the tent, I think that God doesn't have to speak through this guy as much as he could speak through any one of us or just directly to me. I think, "why do I need him to pray for me anyway, it's not really a big deal, etc."

In the pitch dark walking away from the main tent, I notice Eric and his wife walking toward the tent. I stop them and ask if they could pray with me about my calling and what may be a desire God is giving me to be a church planter and maybe a pastor. They pray and they discern a lot of the things God's doing with me and the passions he's place on my heart.

They pray and say they don't think the call is on me now but that it could be later. Mainly though, they say that they believe God is very pleased with me and how I am choosing do the things in front of me today and that he's pleased and happy with my soft heart and desire to be used. For now, the call may be to act as a deacon — watching after and caring for the community, serving the church, etc — all in line with what God is doing/moving me toward.

It was good to pray with them and I can say that I'll miss them. All along this time, Patrick standing a few feet away, is just extremely floored that God would choose to do this, it was such a sweet morsel of his goodness. Thinking back on it, I didn't have to pray with the Pickerills about this stuff but God made it possible and that was pretty sweet!



Disappointment and Doubt?
Like I said before, the weekend felt so freaking short but I did get to spend some good times with friends and meet some new folks. I guess I had hoped that like last year, I'd get lit up by the Spirit. Sometimes I wonder if I worship that or something but anyway I didn't really get lit up this year. I had hoped that God would release a desire and addiction for some stuff but I don't really feel like that happened. I know I'm loved and this should floor me but for some reason, it seems like an old message. "Yeah, so what God, I know you love me, etc..."

Maybe I need to know that God loves me even though he isn't giving me what I want, when I want it. God, maybe, telling me that he hears my prayers and the prayers of others but that it isn't time for some of these things to happen. Can I be at peace with this? I pray yes.

I think this boils down to idols of security and pride. I want to be secure in my possessions, job, relationships, groups, church and stuff and you know what — I'm so far from that, it's crazy. On pride, I want what God will give me (gifts, presence, experience) — sometimes more than my desire to want to praise God and give him what he deserves, what he desires — Glory! Again, at home now, I feel like I'm a bit in a daze, finding it hard to just settle down and pray, worship, etc. Am I upset? Am I tired? How long can one worship the Father through music and song. Eventually one can lose interest in both but yet God is still worthy of worship even when I don't feel like it. How am I to respond when I am tired? I even saw the Spirit come on people and maybe even heal them and for some reason I don't rejoice, praise God, etc. These are signs and wonders and yet I feel dry — why?

To wrap this up, it wasn't what I thought it would be and God did some good stuff but I'm still in a bit of a down mood. Maybe I need to take some time to connect with God, to get away and be with Him.... Maybe I just need to commit these things to Him and deal with it for this time.