Where I'm at

I just want to jot a few things down on this night. I move tomorrow to a new house with new roommates and in many ways a new life. I started a job last week and can I say that dressing pretty and shaving every day so that you can stare into a computer monitor sucks? I start counseling next Wednesday and a support group on the 2nd. Things are changing and I hope that they will be for the better.

At the end of a long night, the sky starts to get blue from black, eventually you see rays of sun through the sky. A day is being born. A sunrise that may rival any sunset is forming while you can still see your breath; feel what it's like to be alive.

I've got so much more to pack and I think to myself, why do I have so much? It is such a burden, it is such a waste. When boxes haven't been unpacked for two moves now, is not now the time to throw things out? To give them away? To sell them?

But the sky seems still to be dark. Lust, pride, and depression have formed a thick blanket of clouds and I feel smothered. How do you help people who don't want to help themselves? How do you tell a numb person to feel, to think, to decide, to act, to destroy what binds them to death? How does one change one's self? Well there's an answer there — one cannot change one's self. Lord, Father, Dad — please help me as I fell, I hurt, I don't know what to do.

I am a saint, twice bought and owned by Christ, who has a sin problem, who is paranoid, who is a control freak, who hates one's self, who has little hope, who feels like they're living two lives. The one they want to live in Christ and the one on the fast track, careening into an eternity of death and destruction, perversion and pain. Oh I just wish this night could be over and that I, once again, could feel the joy and peace of being in the presence of my Father, who deeply loves me and will be forever praised, Amen.