Life as I know it

I am broken like a vase that fell off the top shelf, like a window just after the baseball flies through it, like a building just imploded for demolition.

Without Jesus there would be no hope. I would be known by who I am - a depressed, compulsive, codependent, socially awkward, control freak guy who is addicted to porn and questions his faith daily, sometimes hourly. There would be no hope. My future would be to fall further into a life of sexual brokenness and isolation until I do unthinkable things - I must stop here. I must stop because one, it is sad and two, on some level I already feel condemned.

I must trust that Jesus was the son of God, was born to Mary, revealed himself as the Savior of the world, was chosen by God and that Jesus, himself, freely chose to die on a cross for my sins (of which are very numerous) and rose from the dead to sit on the right hand of God, in heaven and that so by believing, trusting, and living in him and accepting the Holy Spirit, I might find solace in the fact that though I am depraved, though this is a depressing and evil world, I have been redeemed by grace and no longer have to be chained to the evil of this world or of my heart. That I at any time, just as I did the first time, can repent from the evil, embrace Jesus and start anew. This could be daily, it probably needs to be hourly yet we feel like turning toward the Lord less often. This its self is a source of pain in my life.

Less obvious than to the average person, the one who struggles with an addiction is constantly choosing between Christ and his or her desire. The addiction attempts to destroy your soul and turn you from the one who can heal you, who can oust the evil that defies your attempts to free yourself. The words I heard today to inspire me to write on this - we must admit as we live our lives that we are at war. I am at war with evil in my life and at this time in my life, I feel like I'm losing battle after battle but I know that Jesus will be victorious, I will be healed and one day dwell with the saints in heaven, worshiping the Father because he is good and for all of the good things he has done. Believing this requires faith, of which the conviction never seems strong enough to thwart the temptation to sin.

The solace here is Jesus knows where I am at, who I am in him, still loves me, still has a plan and a desire to see me healed and brought home and is actively working to free me from web of evil that has infected my heart, life, mind, soul. In Jesus there is no condemnation and in him there is hope in the faith that he will complete the work, bring healing to my life, will make me like Jesus more and more and in this hope, I am thankful! This doesn't null my desires for evil but it provides a bright point of light in a dark time - my aunt dying of liver failure, my parents struggling to keep up on their own power as well as me dealing with friends who do not act as brothers, churches who continue to fall short and sin against people I love, and myself - dealing with issues that rock my core: selfishness, lust, anger, addiction, depression.

In the eight years I've known Jesus, there has been no other time in my life where I needed Jesus more than today. I have no proof for the existence of God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit but I have experienced them moving in my life and in the lives of those around me in the last eight years. They have testified to their presence and I cry out now, Jesus, have mercy on me! Change my heart Lord, make me more like you, make me more whole, make me love with reckless abandon, allow me to have joy again and prosper in your ways Lord. Jesus, have mercy on me.