I cannot move mountains

I cannot move mountains. I can't - but there are mountains in the way. Only God can move mountains and so we pray, or at least I should. And here's a revelation, I'm bad about making sure to consult God on stuff, on trying to discern his will, praying about things, etc.

These mountains are the situations and people around me, I have no control over the fact that my aunt is dying and will be dead within a couple months. I have no control over the fact that there are some pretty f-ed up things going on at the church I feel like God is calling me too. I can't control the fact that I have lust issues. I can't control the fact that I don't really have a lot of friends and can't get along with my roomies. I can't control anything and in this state of brokenness there is Jesus.

Jesus has big eyes and he stares at me from across the hallway and says, "come here son, come here." I am so occupied and distraught with the politics and the drama of church and friends. I am so overwhelmed and yet running away from the fact my aunt is dying one of the most painful and cruel deaths I can think of - beyond the cross. I have little patience for any and all of this and on most days, if I could move away to the countryside and live alone in a small trailer, I would. This is where the depression sets in.

I know that following Jesus is a hard road. Every time my aunt screams in pain, I wince and become nauseous. I wonder, is this how Jesus' disciples felt when they saw him being put on the cross? This life is fleeing from us and all around us will burn in the days of judgment.

This sounds harsh and it is supposed to be. Some of you reading this may think I'm crazy but the truth is, even if you don't believe in God, all of the money and things in the world will mean nothing to you when you are dead. You can't bring them with you and the second truth is that all of the money and things in the world should not mean a thing to you when you are alive either because money can't by you love - or happiness. I digress but I guess as I realize life is short and resources to get an education are limited, this leads me to start making decisions toward things that are important in my life and I hope I consult the Lord.

Regarding the church, I am realizing I cannot save the day and this was a really naive thought I had within the last few months. Lesson learned - check! So now I must ask, am I still to stay at this new church home? I'm not in community, I don't feel welcomed, I don't feel like this is a good idea and yet the question that people keep peppering me with is "do you feel led to be here?"


And there is silence.

I don't know.

I would have said yes a few days ago but I feel like if I come back, the whole world will be against me from the pastor to the lay people, minus a friend or two. I don't want to be somewhere where I'm not welcomed, loved, desired, a part of the community. Yes, it takes time to become a part of this but it can't be all one sided, one sided relationships never work out. If it is just too hard, I will leave because I am not a rock, I am not strong, I am not invincible. There are churches that work here in Columbus and I guess you realize their value when you step into other communities for a while. I have a feeling that there will be a season of crying over the next few months. Maybe its because I am reading Elie Wiesel's Night and with the pervasiveness of death and evil around me, I long for God's Kingdom to break through and for the Lord to rescue me.

Lord, Father I ask - how did I find myself here in midst of so much death and decay - please help me find my way back to the light of your people, I miss them so much!