I am proud and it is not good!

I had plans of writing a book this summer. When? I'm not sure, but I was thinking about it. I'm 25, pious and unwise, proud and unbridled, sarcastic and unfiltered. For now, I have my blog. As for writing books, the things that people pay money to buy and read, I should wait. My wisdom is limited, my perspective is unsure, I am uneasy. This is where I try to figure this stuff and other things out.

I am haughty and this is not something to prideful about. I judge most and tell others what I think. I try to polish it off, "calling a spade a spade," or something. Dissension will help no one but that doesn't stop me. I assail my pastor, other pastors and churches, brothers and sisters who sin in one way or the other. I am hardly ever rebuked or challenged and in many ways, I feel adrift in a sea of lawlessness and injustice. In my pain, in my hurting, I sometimes seek to take others down and for this I say I'm sorry and confess that this is behavior unbecoming of a disciple of Christ.

All I desire is to know him more. To know him more, I feel I must learn how to allow him to go out before me, and to respect the authority he has established. Respect the authority means placing yourself underneath that authority and allowing others to challenge, rebuke, encourage, guide, and direct me toward being a more faithful servant. I hope to find those believers.

Until I find those people, I'm left here to largely figure it out on my own. This pains me. I want to be under authority. Processing this here and now, beyond being under the authority of Christ, I want to be under the authority (and correction) of those who can help me be a more mature and effective disciple — notably older Christians who aren't tossed to and fro by the waves of this life.

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Not to diminish the point above, for now I (pridefully) believe that it is possible to discern both Spiritually and through observation as to whether or not the actions of an individual are effective, helpful, biblical, etc. Is this being judgmental? Can the actions be judged and the person (their soul, character, etc.) be kept separate from their actions? Perhaps it matters as to whether or not the issues are black and white, or grey?

We can parse words all day but my heart shows that I am clearly guilty of malice and bitterness. I have willfully and wantonly engaged in these kinds of issues and have done so in a way that has been careful and I still feel as if I am leading to dissension and causing problems. I have no outlet but prayer and though appealing to the ultimate authority seems to be the obvious thing, it seems bothersome (immaturity?). All I can say is Lord help me, have mercy on my because I'm a sinner and miss the forest for the trees everyday! Bring me out of this fog, tear me down and make me humble!