Depressed

Not that you want to hear this.
Not that I want to write this.

I think I may be depressed.
Today started off well, breakfast with a good friend of mine. Light snack for lunch with another good friend of mine. From then on, it was home for my third meeting for the day. That meeting didn't happen, and those kinds of things sometimes happen. This was a nice break from my normal schedule of nothing and more nothing.

Life as an unemployed person is, well, depressing for me. I should maybe feel perky and happy after Breathe but I don't. Reality (as I see it) has set back in and it is quite clear — I need a job soon and I need to make at least $12/hr to pay most of my bills. I would be better if I could make at least $14 to $15. If I was employed in my field, I'd be making $15 to $20/hr. I don't want to think about this.

More than the money, I am alone. Very little contact with others, though today was an exception. Stir-crazy may come close to explaining where I'm at right now. I have the cash, I could go eat a nice meal at a nice restaurant but instead, I'm deciding between eating the baked beans given to me as a gag-gift and pasta and a bratwurst.

Maybe the Lord is trying to break me. It is no secret that I am having a really, really hard time dealing with the fact that I am unemployed and have been so for about a month now since graduating. It's been almost four months since I got laid-off from my internship. I'm not saying that the Lord tries to break people but he knows that he isn't first right now — being joyful in him isn't happening right now and not only that, I'm starting to think that I'm making agreements about him in not having work. I'm next to livid, angry, vile. I went to school because there wasn't anything to do and I felt like he was telling me to go to school so I went and now 40K in the hole and in the middle of the depression/recession, no one is freaking hiring people like me anymore. I would probably go back for something I knew I could make money doing but, oh that's right, I have now $53k in debt. Whoops!

So what do I do?
I guess I send applications even though I am so fearful of rejection.
I guess I pray harder, maybe fast.
I guess I take more risks, apply everywhere and try for anything.
I guess I confess my sin and ask the Lord to fix me and, in his timing, give me a job.

Please pray.