Danger, Will Robinson!

I write this, not because I've learned the lesson but because I need to learn it myself.

I think I see that my desire is always to satiate myself. Whether it's food, pain or church - the desire is to make myself feel full and satisfied. This is dangerous because we know, there is only one thing that will satisfy — Jesus Christ.

And I look at the problems in my life and I think, at least in part, if only X, Y, and Z were different perhaps then I wouldn't be mad at God or at least seek out sin in an attempt to satisfy my foolish and depraved desires. Even if things were perfect on the outside, they probably wouldn't change my hearts desire to chase after things that are not of God. This is the problem!

No system or program will save me, make me happy, or help me follow a path of righteousness.... No, the thirst of God is only quenched from the source! Period.

How I get to the point where God is quenching my thirst — not on rare occasions but everyday, in every hour of need? To be honest, I'm not sure. I assume it comes from placing all of my faith in Jesus, especially when I desire to satisfy myself, to trust him with my lust and greed and choose to turn toward righteousness. Certainly we offer our petitions to God through prayer and we (should) try earnestly to help bring about the transformation we need but ultimately it's God who does the transformation.

This is such a lengthy and difficult thing to do, especially when there are large portions of my inner self and flesh that don't want to be transformed and are trying as hard as possible to reject God and his reign and rule in my life. I feel like I live in a state of duality where part of me wants to seek out God and the freedom that comes from placing my faith in and following Jesus, becoming a child of God with a destiny hid with Christ (all that good stuff!). The other part of me feels entrapped by such freedom and seeks to find a comfortable parasite to stymie the freedom Christ wants to give us for temporary pleasure and the "attractive," delusional perception of my ability control of my life (by pursuing desires, addictions, and more).

My response must be to keep praying and try, harder, to live a life dependent on God. Yes, God changes us but we must also be willing partners in pursuing life change and in my life, I feel like my heart does not always wish to cooperate. I need to pursue Christ so that he can change my heart to seek the things of God over the things of this world, that will all burn in the end.

Similar to the man inside me who pursues things that are not of God, there's a man that desires to be a part of a perfect church and to be a great small group leader who is the center of attention with dozens of great relationships. This man is an idol that distracts me from following and worshiping God as well as whatever it is that God wants to use me for. This man needs to be taken outback and spiritually shot in the head.

Father, though I don't say it enough — I need you to survive! I need you to change me, I need you to make me more dependent on you. You are the way, the truth and the light and I want to follow you home God! Lord God, help me change, have your way with my life and all my soul! Amen