Brokenness does not wait for an opportune time

Friends, can I tell you that brokenness does not wait for an opportune time? That when God knocks, you will answer. It started with a debilitating amount of senioritis and procrastination — I just simply didn't want to do what I needed to do. Rather than work on an assignment for my program evaluation course, I just couldn't stop thinking about how bad I wanted out of the program, out of school and away from this stuff. I hate it. I started freaking out, called a few friends. One called back. Fighting back tears, I had to admit that I feel like I'm going crazy and that I feel like I am a total failure and doomed to unemployment because I just can't do this one assignment — by far one of the hardest I've had at Ohio State. My friend tried to tell me that it was just an assignment, just a class and he was right but the thing was that I had built my worth on the idea that I was going to double master at OSU, that I was going to have these two pieces of paper that would mean more than the next guy and help me get jobs that would pay money and make me happy because I wouldn't be sitting around drowning in debt and despair. Motivated by fear, I felt like I was making a safe choice to try for something higher. And like that, the cards crumbled.

That was yesterday — this is today. Today, I went to work and then skipped this class I want to drop. Finally called the student health center about an appointment to get a boil or cyst removed from my gluteal cleft. Today is Monday, the next appointment is Friday (WTF?!?!). I was instructed that I could go to an urgent care I went to an urgent care center, and I did only to find an hour long wait. At a second urgent care, I got into a room within 15 minutes and was laying face-down and naked on a table. The doctor started pushing on the spot, asking me where it hurt the most and, tell you the truth, it didn't hurt as much as it does when I sit. I'm not sure why but I got the feeling that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He told me he couldn't figure out where it is specifically (so he could cut it open and drain it) so I should take antibiotics and pain killers and come back in 10 days or sooner if it starts to hurt more, gets larger, or doesn't go away.

For the rest of the day, I've done virtually nothing and it feels great. Later, I'll start working on an assignment due Thursday but tonight I'm going to hang out with a friend and it will be smashing. Tomorrow, two classes, one of which we'll watch a movie in and then I'll work more on my assignment.

You know, I hate public policy and if I'm making the wrong decision, it costs me a year where I work somewhere and then take classes for the quarter that I need and then I'm gone. No big deal — but for now, it's not something I want to put myself through on a whim or a fear of not succeeding, of not getting a job, of failing. Jesus is the one who defines me and no one and not anything else. At this point (quarter #20 at OSU), I need out and I need a job. I pray God will provide and I'm willing to follow his lead, move or whatever I need to do to get that job and I pray the Lord will provide.

...And if no dice, one may just ask Obama, where's my bailout?