Things are blah and I still feel like I'm trying to live apart from Jesus. It doesn't work well but I try anyway. The sin isn't really worth it but when you're stuck in malaise, it is so hard to break out. Jesus is with me and forgiveness and restoration is a prayer away. God knows I am sorry and sad but obedience and a desire to fellowship seems beyond me — a lie of the enemy that still rings true with my heart.
As a friend said, just tell God that you love him and want him to do as he will so here it is. Lord, I love you and so desperately desire that you would change my heart and make me want to glorify you with my all of my mind, body, soul and strength, that I in my entirety and everything that I would do bring you Glory and that, in your grace, I would have relationship. Lord, I love you and need you to save me from this death spiral I find myself in — I know that your grace is for the sake of relationship and permission to do whatever I desire, something that I know is blasphemy.
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