Wake Up pt. 2

I am steeped in depression and addiction to games and porn and caught in a cycle of the place you'd never want to be. For my friends who are addicts of various types of drugs, certainly my addiction is not as bad but I feel like I know what it's like to feel like I need to run away and be numbed by something, try to enjoy something. I pray I don't get caught up in worse things as this seems hard enough to handle.

The depression thing has been for a month or more now, the porn thing for like 2 years and, well, it makes you feel hollow. You confess your sin and "repent" and here I am. I tried a recovery group and, well, I didn't want to recover. How do you deal with this? I hear a word on the way home from lunch yesterday - basically something like "one can't embrace God and evil at the same time." There are verses to support this I mean Jesus calls us from our lives of sin to repent and walk in salvation, in his grace, sinning no more!

And for me, I get tired and stressed out and I disengage. I'm sad, I feel like I'm done at moments throughout the day. Not done with life, life is good but seemingly done with trying to be good, trying to reject who I am. Of course, I don't really know who I am though.

I feel like I'm a sinner and some people say, yes think of yourself as a sinner because you still need Jesus every day, he is continually saving you, you will continue to need to repent to the Father for your trespasses, etc. And there are others who say that Paul says that, no, your identity is saint, not sinner, for what Christ has done for you is everlasting and that you need to think with eternity in mind, realize this is an important part of life but that there is so much more ahead in eternity!

And we can try to change but it is only a changing of the heart from sinner to saint that will allow us to draw near. It is only with the touch of Jesus that I will be healed of my attachment issues, depression, loneliness, lust, guilt, and lack of faith and hope.

But unlike the sinner, I, the saint respond by pleading to the Father, "Lord Jesus, have your way with me, make me whole and make me new today. I reject evil in the name of Jesus Christ and ask that you would change my heart, make me whole again. Rescue me from what seems to be a life of despair that I would otherwise be condemned to endure. You've come to be a ransom for many and I pray that I would be rescued from a life, here on earth, away from your light. I try to hide myself from your light but you know where I am and what's going on inside my soul and I pray you'd rescue me today! - Amen."