Crazy January

Man things are crazy this January! Read the Jan 18 post before you read this one....

Obviously I was dealing with a lot last week. At a point where I where I was trying to work with leaders at my JH to pursue a new small group concept, this whole mosaic thing again came out of left field and popped into my lap. This is now the third time in 9 months that I have considered moving back to mosaic or what will eventually be mosaic. I'm confused as I think anyone else would be.

I've noticed while soul searching and thinking about these things, there are issues that I reject in one context yet embrace in another and it's clear this is obviously not very logical. Case in point, my feelings about a ministry or group that is focused on college students.

A week or more ago, I was very moved against this idea of a church or even small group that tried to exclusively reach college students. This doesn't mean they don't love and value non-college students but it does mean they have a vision and focus of
reaching college students. This is hard for me because there are a lot of good people out there who are not students and they can sometimes make or break a group. To "exclude" them seems wrong and that's how I felt, I thought it was favoritism.

Now, I realize that:
a) God has sovereignty to call someone to have a heart for a certain group and it's not as if God rejects others but that for us, in our place in life, time and space, he's called us to a specific goal. He's called others other specific calls but as for us, this is where God is calling us!
b) We are like a drop of water in the ocean - we are small. We are like a metallic atomic particle of a metal gear in a beautiful and complicated watch - we were meant to fulfill a specific purpose for a specific time and place. Considering these ideas, we can't be doing all things at all times. I have lots of dreams but it seems to be mutually exclusive for me to pursue all at the same time. God has called us for seasons of our lives to live and serve in various ways.
c) Though I can't relive the past, there's noting saying that in this season of my life, I can't revisit it one last time - as long as I'm okay with the fact I'm 24 and not 19 anymore.


WHAT DO I WANT
Not as angry at GCM or people who want to pursue campuses, I now have to consider where I'm at and what I want if it were only possible. These things are....

1) I want to live with good friends that help grow in my relationship with the Father, learn the Word, and learn how to help others grow in Christ. (Relationships leading one toward growing closer to God)
2) I want to live with good friends that will help me be faithful to God and reject evil in my life and embrace the Father. (Relationships leading one toward repentance)
3) I want to live with good friends that I co-labor with to help usher in the Kingdom of God. (Relationships leading one toward loving others)

and...

4) I want to be a part of a church that is helping me grow, helping others grow, helping me help others grow - closer to God as followers of Christ.
5) I want leaders who I can faithfully respect, who value God and love those in the faith in their church. (Where everyone, believer and non-believer is valued but the believer is loved as a brother, not feeling rejected because he is not someone who others in the church can share the gospel with them).
6) I want that beautiful community (one of mosaic's old tag-lines) that I enjoyed when I was an undergrad.
7) I want to be a part of a church that wants me as much as I so desperately want it.
8) I want to serve a church that needs laborers - where I don't feel like I could attend a do nothing and be okay with that.
9) The church can do so much to put its finger down on what could be and I guess I want to be a part of a church that uses this power only as God leads them to, not just when they feel like it.

I'm sure there's more to mention here. I know there were a lot of "I wants" in here but I'll say that I know that we don't always get our "I wants." God has different plans for us sometimes but even though, these are things I desire that I believe are biblical.


SHIFTING GEARS
This all comes at an interesting point in my life. After 43 days, I finally met with leaders at my church about the prospect of starting a new, specifically focused group. Essentially, this would be a group focused on reaching people who live in the north campus neighborhood between Clintonville and OSU. The idea is that we live in this area and we should try to reach those around us! It was a good meeting and I'm glad we met.

Not surprisingly, the outcome was that I needed to network with other leaders to try to gather those who share the vision and try to just start the darn thing. This is the hardest part — getting people on board with your vision. This gives me pause because though I believe I could do this, at this time I don't have enough contacts to make something like this happen. Should God provide others to lead with me, I'm now realizing that If I have to leave town to get a job, - it all may die. Yes, I have to put this in God's hands but I also need to have a measure of commitment so that if I start something, I'd stick with it until I can pass it on. I'm not saying that this isn't possible but three phrases come time mind.

— With God, all things are possible
— Everything that is Good is worth fighting for
— We make time for those things that are most important to us

Certainly starting a group is possible and something Good but I'm wondering how much I'm willing to sacrifice for it.


REGARDING THE CHURCH I DESIRE
Obviously points 1 through 3 have to do with who I live with and though I could live with JH people who desire these things, this door has not been opened to me. Instead, the door has been opened to live with a dear friend of the past and this excites me.

Furthermore, regarding the church, JH has grown me a lot and helped me grow others and I respect the leaders and the kind of community they are trying to create. I enjoy the community and the people but with few exceptions, they are at arms length. When I am getting real with people, it's a once or twice a month thing. This may be more my fault than anything though. I desire my church and the community but sometimes I feel like this is a one-way fight. Anyone who's tried to create community knows that it's something one has to fight for! Either way, I feel like I'm floating and not really serving or being a part of helping to bring something about but I also don't feel like I have to do anything. Though I feel like I'm not needed, it's obviously a lie from the enemy that keeps me from fighting through that perception and trying to help expand the church and the Kingdom. Though it also may also be a lie, there is a perception that the church limits what could be. In reality, they love to release people to do awesome stuff but the personal cost is high as I'm learning with this prospective group concept. Regardless of all of this, I LOVE MY CHURCH!

There are issues with it, and certainly this is reasonable but I love this church. In my darkest hour, they were there for me and there is a heart and a passion to love people who who they are unlike any community I've seen before. Not everyone is like this but those who love are not hard to find for those who are looking.

This is all just an issue because, if you can't tell, I'm questioning again whether or not I should pursue this church plant. I meet with the guy leading it in a week and I guess I need to pray that God would speak to me leading up to and through this meeting. What's clear though is that I do not feel like I'm looking for greener grass this time - instead of trying to leave something, this may just be one of those times where God is calling me toward something and I have to have faith that either way, God's Will will be accomplished — he will lead me where I am to go.