Let me share the wonderful things God is doing in my life.
This summer started off in a slump like I have not seen in years. I thought my worth and value was determined by getting a job and succeeding. After all that's why I went to school. Nothing like a depression to help you realize that these things are not worthy of holding our hope and joy.
Several months of depression later, I finally got a part-time job doing something that I was uber-overqualified to do. I had never been more happy to pee into a cup than the day they hired me! This job has been a humbling experience and God has given me grace in it. He's even changed my attitude some, helping me find him in my service to others.
Three weeks ago, I spoke with a good friend about how I really wanted to be used by God to pastor and to expand his Kingdom. He really encouraged me and we prayed. I felt hopeful that God wanted to use me and that this pent up desire could be opened up and walked into. But God wasn't done moving.
A week later, I got off work a little early and made it to Joshua House. I came in, sat down. I started to feel the Spirit come on my as Jonathan Rue shared some words, first of which that he believed God was calling some of us to be Pastors. I came up for prayer. God took this opportunity to speak into me, to encourage his son. It was in this time I felt the Lord specifically say some things that brought a lot of encouragement.
"You are first a son. I want to bless son-ship in your life."
"You've already been given the gift of pastoring, use it."
"Don't waste what I've given you."
All I can say is thank you Lord.
A week later I went to a small group retreat and had several people pray for me there. I wanted one of my group leaders to pray for me but in typical demonic fashion, the girls restroom toilet clogged up and the leader had to help with that. How a girl might have clogged her toilet up (royally I must add), I am not sure but it was "perfect" timing.
In my leader's absence, two of my friends began to pray for me. Three distinct words seem to come out of this. First, choose my words more carefully and avoid sarcasm. Second, God has placed people in my life already that he has appointed for me to help "pastor." Third, God has a higher portion of himself for me if I am willing to pay more for it. In other words, he will give more of himself to me if I am willing to sacrifice more of myself to him. As some may be uncomfortable with this language, let me say that he is the eternal gentleman and we have to invite and willingly give over ourselves to him in order to receive what he'd have for us. As for the higher portion, I have longed for this for weeks and likewise, the Spirit has been developing in me a desire to give up all that I am and seem to control and give it to him. Past, present and future, money, possessions, debt, talents, relationships, family, church, goals, dreams, occupation, education, and more and more and really everything in my life.
The following week, I walked with Jesus in the woods. As I walked, I shared with him my heart and at key times, he shared with me his heart. I think he wants me to bless me with gifts of evangelism, and proclamation of his truth and love. He also told me he's getting me a job at an upcoming job fair. He's told me that he's got me and that he will take care of me.
Today is the day after the Current, an annual conference of the Holy Spirit Task Force of the Great Lakes Region of US Vineyard Church. (I can't make this stuff up.) It was a great weekend and God really blessed me through it. I now know a lot more and I love learning. I also think that I may speak in Tongues (though it doesn't sound like others who I know speak in tongues... an odd but beautiful Gift from the Spirit. Beyond this, I received a lot of prayer and God chose to encourage me a lot. I felt a connection with Jeff Cannell, pastor of Central Vineyard. God doesn't need the star power but it was encouraging to know that the holy angst I've had about wanting to be a pastor is not unusual. Moreover, he blessed what God was doing in my life regarding that stuff and it was quite funny as he walked away, I noticed we have very similar messenger bags, both with the logo of the Israeli Paratroopers on them. I walked away very encouraged and very tired.
Today, I get ready to go to work and I hope to write about what Salvation is about. I pray the Lord would speak to me as I try to write on paper thoughts and concepts that my parents might be able to understand as I try to communicate what Christianity and Jesus are all really about. Like so many, they are confused and hounded by sickness and the evil one. I know God desires something better for them — namely Himself and His Love. I pray that I can formalize these thoughts and communicate them to my parents.
The Lord is doing something new in my life and I am thankful. I feel like a veil has been lifted and that light can shine in like it hasn't in so long. Please pray first and foremost that I would really embrace the son-ship that God wants to bless me with and that I would not be so easily distracted by so many other, lesser things. I know that if I seek him first, the rest will follow and I pray this and really that He would continue to transform my life.
God Bless and have a good day,
Eric
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Crazy September
I want to say this first, I hate facebook. That's right, facebook — step off! What did facebook do you may ask? First and foremost it ruined my life, chance of having a livelihood, children, retirement, etc. We're suing.... No really, I hate that everyone posts pictures of me that are embarrassing, unflattering, and perhaps worse. I could remove the tags but actions in the virtual have affects in reality. That's short for there will be hell to pay. One issue at a time I guess.
Beyond facebook, can I say that it seems like life can really suck at times. These have been crazy months, months where I've tried to avoid Jesus, got myself in over my head in a relationship, and found that life is hard and can really suck sometimes. Okay, that's circular but you get to where I'm at and then we'll talk. It's times like these that make me say I hate the world and Jesus, come get me, we're going home or at least somewhere else because I thought we were going to the ice rink or skateworld or something. This is not skateworld damn-it!
I hate the fact that I have so many commitments. Today, I pissed into a cup and if that and a background check come back alright, I should begin training to be a CSR at Safelite Autoglass. This is a F*CKING BLESSING at the point where any further (within two months) and I'd be moving home to live with my parents and look for something there — where unemployment is +2% worse, pay is dismal, and young people flee. And I felt like it could work because I miss my parents some and don't want to deal with relationships in Columbus anymore. Nothing against people here and I've got a few great friendships but I get no time to myself and feel like text messages and commitments are breathing down my neck. I know I'm the messed up one here, no one else is at fault. In fact, everyone else, especially my girl, has done an excellent job of giving me space but I still feel enclosed and drowning.
And it is in times like these that wholesale changes need to happen because I'm tired of doing the status quo. What that means? I'm not sure. I thought about changing my name on facebook but instead I decided to limit security settings even more. Next, I may un-tag every single freaking photograph and ask my friends not to post or tag me in their photos, at least to use some discretion. I know I'm 25 but I'm sure that my friend's moms and potential employers don't need to see me with that crazy freaking smile or drunk-like blank stair that sometimes I have. Image isn't everything but it's important and I don't need the stress of thinking that people can see those images and that those kinds of things could be used to discriminate or at least misinform them of who I am. It's not like every photo is me holding a red cup and actually very few if any actually show me consuming any alcohol. The issue is a lack of discretion and before I know it, there will be a thousand photos posted and for what? So stalkers and future employers can rustle through them? So I can feel embarrassed all over again when I look at photos that show me doing weird things?
Am I being paranoid and freaked out too much here? Probably.
At this point to try to summarize things. I don't feel like many people get me, accept me, or really know anything else for that matter. That's okay but I'm not living a life that's true to Jesus or myself. This blog post is stuff seeping out of the wound. I need time and more of a desire to seek out Jesus and when I have so many surfacy relationships (sugar) and responsibilities I question how I can juggle everything (aka sour stomach from eating too much sugar). It's not the fault of the people I'm in relationship with but I need more space, lots more space.
A small but important victory — I am going to no longer try to impress or worry about impressing my small group leaders. The co-dependency in that relationship is going away and I hope it goes for good. Too be honest, I wish all the dependency would go away in all my relationships but that may take some time, hard conversations, and discipline to pursue what is most important in this life — loving and pursuing Jesus, loving myself, loving others, etc. Life was meant to be about more than all of this and I think I need to go on a sugar diet to find out.
Beyond facebook, can I say that it seems like life can really suck at times. These have been crazy months, months where I've tried to avoid Jesus, got myself in over my head in a relationship, and found that life is hard and can really suck sometimes. Okay, that's circular but you get to where I'm at and then we'll talk. It's times like these that make me say I hate the world and Jesus, come get me, we're going home or at least somewhere else because I thought we were going to the ice rink or skateworld or something. This is not skateworld damn-it!
I hate the fact that I have so many commitments. Today, I pissed into a cup and if that and a background check come back alright, I should begin training to be a CSR at Safelite Autoglass. This is a F*CKING BLESSING at the point where any further (within two months) and I'd be moving home to live with my parents and look for something there — where unemployment is +2% worse, pay is dismal, and young people flee. And I felt like it could work because I miss my parents some and don't want to deal with relationships in Columbus anymore. Nothing against people here and I've got a few great friendships but I get no time to myself and feel like text messages and commitments are breathing down my neck. I know I'm the messed up one here, no one else is at fault. In fact, everyone else, especially my girl, has done an excellent job of giving me space but I still feel enclosed and drowning.
And it is in times like these that wholesale changes need to happen because I'm tired of doing the status quo. What that means? I'm not sure. I thought about changing my name on facebook but instead I decided to limit security settings even more. Next, I may un-tag every single freaking photograph and ask my friends not to post or tag me in their photos, at least to use some discretion. I know I'm 25 but I'm sure that my friend's moms and potential employers don't need to see me with that crazy freaking smile or drunk-like blank stair that sometimes I have. Image isn't everything but it's important and I don't need the stress of thinking that people can see those images and that those kinds of things could be used to discriminate or at least misinform them of who I am. It's not like every photo is me holding a red cup and actually very few if any actually show me consuming any alcohol. The issue is a lack of discretion and before I know it, there will be a thousand photos posted and for what? So stalkers and future employers can rustle through them? So I can feel embarrassed all over again when I look at photos that show me doing weird things?
Am I being paranoid and freaked out too much here? Probably.
At this point to try to summarize things. I don't feel like many people get me, accept me, or really know anything else for that matter. That's okay but I'm not living a life that's true to Jesus or myself. This blog post is stuff seeping out of the wound. I need time and more of a desire to seek out Jesus and when I have so many surfacy relationships (sugar) and responsibilities I question how I can juggle everything (aka sour stomach from eating too much sugar). It's not the fault of the people I'm in relationship with but I need more space, lots more space.
A small but important victory — I am going to no longer try to impress or worry about impressing my small group leaders. The co-dependency in that relationship is going away and I hope it goes for good. Too be honest, I wish all the dependency would go away in all my relationships but that may take some time, hard conversations, and discipline to pursue what is most important in this life — loving and pursuing Jesus, loving myself, loving others, etc. Life was meant to be about more than all of this and I think I need to go on a sugar diet to find out.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Keep Pushing On
The Lord will sanctify me in his timing. I know He has me, and he will do what he is doing in his timing. This is a season in which I need to turn in toward him and I pray that this is happening! What is this "turn in toward him?"
In the simplest form, it is embracing more of the daily and really hourly prayer life (e.g. "Lord, Father, this is hard and things are difficult. Please help me." and "Please speak to me, guide me Father, let my will be your will, let my actions be those that glorify you, and help me to be obedient in everything!"
Beyond this, it's creating space and praying for and listening (mostly listening) for what the Lord would want to say about these things. These things today are "should I move?" "where should I move?" "Guide me to find a job," "Give me a job," "Help me to lead my relationship with Lindsey" (my G.F.), "help me to be obedient and under your direction," "Share with me what you want to share with me Father," "help me find the people you want me to love today," and "Please help me find joy Lord." I ask, and he speaks. Am I listening. So many times I don't hear what he wants to say. Sometimes he speaks louder, but usually, I miss him altogether. Do I not want to live with God those days? Am I just too busy? Am I rejecting the Spirit? Does he grant me grace and patiently wait until I come back?
This is such a crazy season. In many ways, I want it all to change. Unlike before, I'm starting to realize that changing everything is a great way to crash and burn. I'm also realizing that I need to move in the flow that the Lord is moving, and if I want to experience blessing and move as he would lead me, I have to stop and submit what's going on to him, listen and be obedient. Wisdom helps guide me here — obviously I need a job and the Lord has instructed us (so to say) through St. Paul that we are in fact to do work so that we can take care of ourselves and others. Okay, I'll be working on that.
In another vein though, I am trying to move. Why? Not necessarily because the Lord is "calling me" toward something but rather, I feel like I need to move on. Why? The peace is gone and I am, at times, full of malice. When I move on, will I have to deal with this — ohhh yes! Perhaps I'm running away from this but I know that this is all something that I need to get over. To sum it up, envy and jealousy and those sins compounded by my desire to judge others for, in my eyes, being selfish and self focused. Am I being selfish and self focused? Sure, I have to say... (enter excuses: but I'm on the brink (six months) of being completely broke and they are lavishly spending without regard for those (like me) who are getting pinched. Who's guilty in this kind of a situation — certainly me and that's all I can really say (confess).
What I want to move toward (calling or not) is a situation where I can stop hemorrhaging money as fast and potentially start saving and/or paying down debt as fast as possible. $53k in the whole with school loans, I need it to be paid off and fast. If I can pay $10K/yr (by living dirt cheap), it can be gone in six years. I'll be 31, maybe married, and on to whatever I will do next in my life — hopefully free of being a slave to debt! Lord, please help me get rid of this beast in my life!
Tomorrow is the fun day — swim party, state fair, and dinner with a friend who's getting married. Sunday and Monday I'm back in Dayton — where I'm from.
Best wishes,
Eric
In the simplest form, it is embracing more of the daily and really hourly prayer life (e.g. "Lord, Father, this is hard and things are difficult. Please help me." and "Please speak to me, guide me Father, let my will be your will, let my actions be those that glorify you, and help me to be obedient in everything!"
Beyond this, it's creating space and praying for and listening (mostly listening) for what the Lord would want to say about these things. These things today are "should I move?" "where should I move?" "Guide me to find a job," "Give me a job," "Help me to lead my relationship with Lindsey" (my G.F.), "help me to be obedient and under your direction," "Share with me what you want to share with me Father," "help me find the people you want me to love today," and "Please help me find joy Lord." I ask, and he speaks. Am I listening. So many times I don't hear what he wants to say. Sometimes he speaks louder, but usually, I miss him altogether. Do I not want to live with God those days? Am I just too busy? Am I rejecting the Spirit? Does he grant me grace and patiently wait until I come back?
This is such a crazy season. In many ways, I want it all to change. Unlike before, I'm starting to realize that changing everything is a great way to crash and burn. I'm also realizing that I need to move in the flow that the Lord is moving, and if I want to experience blessing and move as he would lead me, I have to stop and submit what's going on to him, listen and be obedient. Wisdom helps guide me here — obviously I need a job and the Lord has instructed us (so to say) through St. Paul that we are in fact to do work so that we can take care of ourselves and others. Okay, I'll be working on that.
In another vein though, I am trying to move. Why? Not necessarily because the Lord is "calling me" toward something but rather, I feel like I need to move on. Why? The peace is gone and I am, at times, full of malice. When I move on, will I have to deal with this — ohhh yes! Perhaps I'm running away from this but I know that this is all something that I need to get over. To sum it up, envy and jealousy and those sins compounded by my desire to judge others for, in my eyes, being selfish and self focused. Am I being selfish and self focused? Sure, I have to say... (enter excuses: but I'm on the brink (six months) of being completely broke and they are lavishly spending without regard for those (like me) who are getting pinched. Who's guilty in this kind of a situation — certainly me and that's all I can really say (confess).
What I want to move toward (calling or not) is a situation where I can stop hemorrhaging money as fast and potentially start saving and/or paying down debt as fast as possible. $53k in the whole with school loans, I need it to be paid off and fast. If I can pay $10K/yr (by living dirt cheap), it can be gone in six years. I'll be 31, maybe married, and on to whatever I will do next in my life — hopefully free of being a slave to debt! Lord, please help me get rid of this beast in my life!
Tomorrow is the fun day — swim party, state fair, and dinner with a friend who's getting married. Sunday and Monday I'm back in Dayton — where I'm from.
Best wishes,
Eric
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Depressed
Not that you want to hear this.
Not that I want to write this.
I think I may be depressed.
Today started off well, breakfast with a good friend of mine. Light snack for lunch with another good friend of mine. From then on, it was home for my third meeting for the day. That meeting didn't happen, and those kinds of things sometimes happen. This was a nice break from my normal schedule of nothing and more nothing.
Life as an unemployed person is, well, depressing for me. I should maybe feel perky and happy after Breathe but I don't. Reality (as I see it) has set back in and it is quite clear — I need a job soon and I need to make at least $12/hr to pay most of my bills. I would be better if I could make at least $14 to $15. If I was employed in my field, I'd be making $15 to $20/hr. I don't want to think about this.
More than the money, I am alone. Very little contact with others, though today was an exception. Stir-crazy may come close to explaining where I'm at right now. I have the cash, I could go eat a nice meal at a nice restaurant but instead, I'm deciding between eating the baked beans given to me as a gag-gift and pasta and a bratwurst.
Maybe the Lord is trying to break me. It is no secret that I am having a really, really hard time dealing with the fact that I am unemployed and have been so for about a month now since graduating. It's been almost four months since I got laid-off from my internship. I'm not saying that the Lord tries to break people but he knows that he isn't first right now — being joyful in him isn't happening right now and not only that, I'm starting to think that I'm making agreements about him in not having work. I'm next to livid, angry, vile. I went to school because there wasn't anything to do and I felt like he was telling me to go to school so I went and now 40K in the hole and in the middle of the depression/recession, no one is freaking hiring people like me anymore. I would probably go back for something I knew I could make money doing but, oh that's right, I have now $53k in debt. Whoops!
So what do I do?
I guess I send applications even though I am so fearful of rejection.
I guess I pray harder, maybe fast.
I guess I take more risks, apply everywhere and try for anything.
I guess I confess my sin and ask the Lord to fix me and, in his timing, give me a job.
Please pray.
Not that I want to write this.
I think I may be depressed.
Today started off well, breakfast with a good friend of mine. Light snack for lunch with another good friend of mine. From then on, it was home for my third meeting for the day. That meeting didn't happen, and those kinds of things sometimes happen. This was a nice break from my normal schedule of nothing and more nothing.
Life as an unemployed person is, well, depressing for me. I should maybe feel perky and happy after Breathe but I don't. Reality (as I see it) has set back in and it is quite clear — I need a job soon and I need to make at least $12/hr to pay most of my bills. I would be better if I could make at least $14 to $15. If I was employed in my field, I'd be making $15 to $20/hr. I don't want to think about this.
More than the money, I am alone. Very little contact with others, though today was an exception. Stir-crazy may come close to explaining where I'm at right now. I have the cash, I could go eat a nice meal at a nice restaurant but instead, I'm deciding between eating the baked beans given to me as a gag-gift and pasta and a bratwurst.
Maybe the Lord is trying to break me. It is no secret that I am having a really, really hard time dealing with the fact that I am unemployed and have been so for about a month now since graduating. It's been almost four months since I got laid-off from my internship. I'm not saying that the Lord tries to break people but he knows that he isn't first right now — being joyful in him isn't happening right now and not only that, I'm starting to think that I'm making agreements about him in not having work. I'm next to livid, angry, vile. I went to school because there wasn't anything to do and I felt like he was telling me to go to school so I went and now 40K in the hole and in the middle of the depression/recession, no one is freaking hiring people like me anymore. I would probably go back for something I knew I could make money doing but, oh that's right, I have now $53k in debt. Whoops!
So what do I do?
I guess I send applications even though I am so fearful of rejection.
I guess I pray harder, maybe fast.
I guess I take more risks, apply everywhere and try for anything.
I guess I confess my sin and ask the Lord to fix me and, in his timing, give me a job.
Please pray.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Breathe 2009
Today is Monday, the Monday after breathe.
Returning from the mountain is so hard. Like waking up from a night of dreaming, the fleeting thoughts and feelings seem to slip. I write hoping to document some of those reactions to this year's Breathe festival.
LOVING OTHERS IS KEY
I walk away knowing that I am, at most times, too obsessed about details and not concerned with people. Jesus wants me to be about him and his people, showing mercy and grace, loving people where they're at and all of that. Though God-given, I have an amazing capacity to notice and a strong desire to fix details, problems, issues, etc. I fix things and I fix them well. Though this desire for perfectionism matters in some situations, it does not matter in most... and in most all, it is subordinate to loving people. This is especially difficult when dealing with others who like to control details and may have similar gifts yet, in my estimation, do things wrong or break things.
We all can be better at what we do, me included, and some are more able than others. The key for me is realizing that the goal of camping at breathe is to be at breathe and have reasonable shelter — if we fail, a tent collapses, something breaks, etc. My intervention to fix and do things better (making tents work, fixing things in general is a strength of mine) is not needed unless asked and furthermore, it's more important to love and assist others than try to explain and fix in a gruff, frustrated, and perhaps condescending manner. I may be freakishly smart at fixing stuff but getting along with people remains a weakness, one that I think God wants to work on and I'm eagerly anticipating his healing work, God — the one who is able to fix anything and everything to be perfect as he made it. I long for his healing work in my life.
INADEQUACY TO WORSHIP EFFECTIVELY
I felt like worship was, well, boring the first night. I wasn't feeling it, getting into it. I didn't know the songs, I didn't really feel the Lord, I was tired and stressed.... On Saturday, things changed and I really felt like the Lord met us. By session three on Saturday night, I felt like the Lord really came and a strong desire to worship him. The desire at times seems weird and fleeting itself but I worshiped all the same. I want to feel sucked into worship, like it is something I cannot compel myself to abstain from — like it is something I long to do and am sucked into... but rather, it usually is something I have to focus on and push into. I think either form is fine, God want's us to worship and that is a difficult thing to do, rejecting the desires of ourselves, the world, and Satan to put our attention, focus, and bodies before God and praise him! We were made to praise but at times it feels like I'm so divided. Anyway, several times I got really caught up in praising God and just felt totally inadequate to pray and praise. I felt like the Lord was saying that he wanted to give me the gift of praying (praising) in tongues and that I should find a certain person to pray with and that it would be given to me. It didn't work out to do that and we ended up praying the next day. All I can say is that it hasn't happened yet but I hope and pray that it will happen soon, in His timing.
OTHER GREAT INSIGHTS AND QUOTABLES
Mike Erre (Friday night)
— The reward of following Jesus is Jesus. — Mike Erre
— We can say "no" to Jesus' instruction and teaching... but where else would we go? How can we say "no" to Jesus when he's the one we trust, love, believe is the one, the savior, etc.
Mike Erre (Saturday morning)
— Jesus is more radical than we ever thought he was or could be.
— Our faith should be a faith of action, that is doing or living the life of faith and not simply an intellectual pursuit.
— actions show what we really believe and eventually our actions should start showing that we are submitting to and trusting in Jesus and the Scriptures.
— following Jesus is doing and acting in such a way as we already are. When we gained faith and salvation in Jesus, our lives and destinies changed, he changed us... and we must put to death the ways of the old to accept the new life Christ has for us in this age and the age to come!
Jay Pathak (Saturday night)
— The Jesus story, the story we were all made for.
— The Jesus story is the one we should believe yet other stories compete for our hearts.
— People are inhibited from moving forward because of hurdles inside of us that must be jumped before we can see things change on the outside. Love with Jesus drives us forward through these hurdles....
— We must be rooted and established in Jesus (eph 3:14)
— We can do nothing (of significance) apart from Jesus (jn 15:5-17)
— Changes happens passively and not always actively.
— Everything God does in you moves from the inside out.
— Simple things become impossible when we're disconnected from Jesus — seek him first and ask him to uproot the weeds in our lives rather than just trying to hack away the weeds and leaving the roots behind. God wants to completely restore you, not manage your sin.
— Watch for bad fruit and know that it does not come from the Father
— If you love, you'll obey. If you obey, you will be loved. This is relational, obeying flows out of relationship.
— If you make me (Jesus) the priority, the center — I'll reveal and share things with you, the future will open.
— To see Jesus changes everything.... what's possible for me, what competes with him. wouldn't it be great if all of this was simple again, and it is with Jesus.
Jay Pathak (Sunday AM)
— Our lives at church and in the Kingdom are mroe real than all else...
— How do we stay there and not get lost in normalcy?
— We must know ourselves, our feers, our concerns, and believe that Jesus is more and have our hearts in a place where we're ready to respond in a moment.
— Take life by the horns, be real, be authentic.... the key issue that inhibits growth and realizing dreams is not a lack of knowledge or information but a need to release yourself from the things that bind you, your fears.
— We can be afraid and not know it, largely because of subtle fears that we are comfortable with such as insecurity, fear, shame, and doubt that prevent us from seeing the possible.
— Stop making excuses and be ready for the Lord and say "yes" to his calling...
— Don't waste your life waiting for the "right" time.
— Don't let fear keep you from taking chances. You'll make mistakes but every once in a while you'll get something right, really right. Though fear of making mistakes is normal, don't let it paralyze you from taking risks.
— Don't wait to see opportunities in the rear-view mirror.
— Remove resistance so you can move when God moves you to. (1 Peter 3:9)
— Don't worry, we can't make Jesus look bad, we can't.
— If we deal with our fear, we can then move when He leads... if you must be afraid, be afraid of God. Do not be afraid of this world or of man.
—Three main fears
1. Fear of Rejection (man). Don't be afraid of things that lead to death (symbolic and literal) because it is death that leads to life.
2. Fear of Failure. We all will fail but will you fail by not even trying or will you fail in your trying? Peter is looked at as a failure for not having enough faith to be able to walk all the way to Jesus on the water but remember, he was the only one who got up and attempted it (he got two steps before starting to sink), the rest simply looked on and had not enough faith to attempt such thing.
3. Fear of Success. Afraid that things will work out (if God really does come through) and that it will change my life, things may never be the same.
I'll post more soon but this is it for now...
Returning from the mountain is so hard. Like waking up from a night of dreaming, the fleeting thoughts and feelings seem to slip. I write hoping to document some of those reactions to this year's Breathe festival.
LOVING OTHERS IS KEY
I walk away knowing that I am, at most times, too obsessed about details and not concerned with people. Jesus wants me to be about him and his people, showing mercy and grace, loving people where they're at and all of that. Though God-given, I have an amazing capacity to notice and a strong desire to fix details, problems, issues, etc. I fix things and I fix them well. Though this desire for perfectionism matters in some situations, it does not matter in most... and in most all, it is subordinate to loving people. This is especially difficult when dealing with others who like to control details and may have similar gifts yet, in my estimation, do things wrong or break things.
We all can be better at what we do, me included, and some are more able than others. The key for me is realizing that the goal of camping at breathe is to be at breathe and have reasonable shelter — if we fail, a tent collapses, something breaks, etc. My intervention to fix and do things better (making tents work, fixing things in general is a strength of mine) is not needed unless asked and furthermore, it's more important to love and assist others than try to explain and fix in a gruff, frustrated, and perhaps condescending manner. I may be freakishly smart at fixing stuff but getting along with people remains a weakness, one that I think God wants to work on and I'm eagerly anticipating his healing work, God — the one who is able to fix anything and everything to be perfect as he made it. I long for his healing work in my life.
INADEQUACY TO WORSHIP EFFECTIVELY
I felt like worship was, well, boring the first night. I wasn't feeling it, getting into it. I didn't know the songs, I didn't really feel the Lord, I was tired and stressed.... On Saturday, things changed and I really felt like the Lord met us. By session three on Saturday night, I felt like the Lord really came and a strong desire to worship him. The desire at times seems weird and fleeting itself but I worshiped all the same. I want to feel sucked into worship, like it is something I cannot compel myself to abstain from — like it is something I long to do and am sucked into... but rather, it usually is something I have to focus on and push into. I think either form is fine, God want's us to worship and that is a difficult thing to do, rejecting the desires of ourselves, the world, and Satan to put our attention, focus, and bodies before God and praise him! We were made to praise but at times it feels like I'm so divided. Anyway, several times I got really caught up in praising God and just felt totally inadequate to pray and praise. I felt like the Lord was saying that he wanted to give me the gift of praying (praising) in tongues and that I should find a certain person to pray with and that it would be given to me. It didn't work out to do that and we ended up praying the next day. All I can say is that it hasn't happened yet but I hope and pray that it will happen soon, in His timing.
OTHER GREAT INSIGHTS AND QUOTABLES
Mike Erre (Friday night)
— The reward of following Jesus is Jesus. — Mike Erre
— We can say "no" to Jesus' instruction and teaching... but where else would we go? How can we say "no" to Jesus when he's the one we trust, love, believe is the one, the savior, etc.
Mike Erre (Saturday morning)
— Jesus is more radical than we ever thought he was or could be.
— Our faith should be a faith of action, that is doing or living the life of faith and not simply an intellectual pursuit.
— actions show what we really believe and eventually our actions should start showing that we are submitting to and trusting in Jesus and the Scriptures.
— following Jesus is doing and acting in such a way as we already are. When we gained faith and salvation in Jesus, our lives and destinies changed, he changed us... and we must put to death the ways of the old to accept the new life Christ has for us in this age and the age to come!
Jay Pathak (Saturday night)
— The Jesus story, the story we were all made for.
— The Jesus story is the one we should believe yet other stories compete for our hearts.
— People are inhibited from moving forward because of hurdles inside of us that must be jumped before we can see things change on the outside. Love with Jesus drives us forward through these hurdles....
— We must be rooted and established in Jesus (eph 3:14)
— We can do nothing (of significance) apart from Jesus (jn 15:5-17)
— Changes happens passively and not always actively.
— Everything God does in you moves from the inside out.
— Simple things become impossible when we're disconnected from Jesus — seek him first and ask him to uproot the weeds in our lives rather than just trying to hack away the weeds and leaving the roots behind. God wants to completely restore you, not manage your sin.
— Watch for bad fruit and know that it does not come from the Father
— If you love, you'll obey. If you obey, you will be loved. This is relational, obeying flows out of relationship.
— If you make me (Jesus) the priority, the center — I'll reveal and share things with you, the future will open.
— To see Jesus changes everything.... what's possible for me, what competes with him. wouldn't it be great if all of this was simple again, and it is with Jesus.
Jay Pathak (Sunday AM)
— Our lives at church and in the Kingdom are mroe real than all else...
— How do we stay there and not get lost in normalcy?
— We must know ourselves, our feers, our concerns, and believe that Jesus is more and have our hearts in a place where we're ready to respond in a moment.
— Take life by the horns, be real, be authentic.... the key issue that inhibits growth and realizing dreams is not a lack of knowledge or information but a need to release yourself from the things that bind you, your fears.
— We can be afraid and not know it, largely because of subtle fears that we are comfortable with such as insecurity, fear, shame, and doubt that prevent us from seeing the possible.
— Stop making excuses and be ready for the Lord and say "yes" to his calling...
— Don't waste your life waiting for the "right" time.
— Don't let fear keep you from taking chances. You'll make mistakes but every once in a while you'll get something right, really right. Though fear of making mistakes is normal, don't let it paralyze you from taking risks.
— Don't wait to see opportunities in the rear-view mirror.
— Remove resistance so you can move when God moves you to. (1 Peter 3:9)
— Don't worry, we can't make Jesus look bad, we can't.
— If we deal with our fear, we can then move when He leads... if you must be afraid, be afraid of God. Do not be afraid of this world or of man.
—Three main fears
1. Fear of Rejection (man). Don't be afraid of things that lead to death (symbolic and literal) because it is death that leads to life.
2. Fear of Failure. We all will fail but will you fail by not even trying or will you fail in your trying? Peter is looked at as a failure for not having enough faith to be able to walk all the way to Jesus on the water but remember, he was the only one who got up and attempted it (he got two steps before starting to sink), the rest simply looked on and had not enough faith to attempt such thing.
3. Fear of Success. Afraid that things will work out (if God really does come through) and that it will change my life, things may never be the same.
I'll post more soon but this is it for now...
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