Of the things I hate about grad school....

I felt like I needed to vent. Of the things I hate about grad school, there are fewer and fewer people who know anything about what you're researching or writing about. I have a question about something that was done like 38 years ago and despite 1. talking to the local agency director, 2. talking to a few folks who work for the state of Ohio, and 3. searching on Google for probably an hour - I have yet to find what I'm looking for.

Not because anyone will be able to help but for your enjoyment. So why are Newark, Lancaster, and some other city in Ohio classified as CDBG (community development block grant) entitlement cities? Entitlement communities have to have pops over 50,000 or be the central cities of a metropolitan area and well, neither are either. They may have been in the 1970s (and if I could find a map of MSAs from the 1970 census...grrr). Libraries have these kinds of things but it may be on microfiche and probably isn't readily available or indexed (you don't search for a map of MSAs to find what you're looking for if you know what I mean). Anyway, none of this is really all that important for my paper as I keep getting distracted from working on it.

Two paragraphs of six pages now done and it's 8pm on Saturday. I've still got about 36 hours before it's due but I have a cold and I plan on going to two church services tomorrow and to work Monday morning. Will I get done? Will I have to skip work again? Will I arrive late, find the last parking spot at the top of the parking garage adjacent to our building (a faith enhancing experience!)? Stay tuned I guess. Maybe not as exciting as James Bond but I've got one thing up on 007, my life is real.

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Meanwhile, I'm getting laid off at the end of December and haven't taken the time to apply for another job yet. All I can say is that I like Ohio but I think I'm going to do everyone (fellow unemployed job seekers) a favor when I graduate and leave this sorry, jobless state in search for another. If I read one more brain-drain article in the Columbus Dispatch, I'm going to freak out....

Thankfulness

So why a picture of Rich and Marlene? The first excuse is that it was a test to try to see if I could get the html for a photo hosted on another web site to work in the signature section of gmail (for a friend). The answer to that one is, no it doesn't work - you have to add a picture to the signature manually on each email so oh well....

So why a picture of Rich and Marlene? So why did I go to the annual congregational meeting (me and 50 other people, over half on staff with the church)? Can I say that I am glad, thankful, happy that they chose to obey God and fulfill His plan in using them at our church. Though I have not always been thrilled with my church and at times angered, hurt and disillusioned, without it there would be nothing. I am thankful for this man's obedience to God of which I say is greater than mine and I am thankful that I get to receive some of those blessings that have flowed out of their toil. Certainly there are others who should be thanked and for you, thank you for your work, your obedience, your sacrifice.

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I have dreams.
I have hopes.
...and these are of me.

Certainly I have counselors, friends, and pastors who would say that our dreams, our hopes are of the Lord, that he gives them to us and this is true but I want to lay these down for such dreams, such hopes are not to be raised up, not to be idolized, not to be pursued.

Instead we are to pray.

More than my dreams, my hope, my desire, my dream is that I will live the life I am called to live, according to the plan and provision of the Father. I pray I would be obedient and only worship and seek after the Father.

My hope, my dream is that I will some day get to plant churches and pastor a congregation, I desire to be used and to see people released from their chains to do the work of the Kingdom, to see revival, to see redemption. The church, in many respects, has been emasculated (literally and figuratively) and it is because we are trying to do the wrong things under our power when we should be trying to do the right things with His Power. I want to be a part of a community that is seeking after the Lord fervently and pursuing all that he'd have for us, obeying all that he would instruct us to do. I have a lot of that now but it is only in part, limited by the fickle nature of adulterous hearts, namely mine. I have a desire to communicate truth, especially through the arts and through speech and writing.

And even if I am to do this and more, it would be for nothing if it was not God calling me to do this so I say here — Lord have your way with me, guide my steps, guide my thoughts, guide my soul. All I am is yours, do as you will....

All honor, glory, and power is yours Lord, even if I am to be a prisoner, a martyr, a fool, if it brings you Glory and it is what you call me to do, may it be Father.

And I pray Father that you will heal me, build me up, teach me in your ways, discipline me Lord. Father, I pray and I ask that I will live a life pleasing to you, that you would be glorified, that I would know you ever so intimately, Father.

What's wrong with this picture

What's wrong with this picture?

I was shocked when I found this gem on our GIS satellite imagery. Of course, this is a local live bird's eye shot but you get the picture. You're looking at two roads that could join, eliminating a cul-de-sac effectively allowing more vehicular access for auto drivers and cyclists alike. For some reason — and historians will speculate for the next 100 years — these roads were never connected. Somehow, this is all too typical in the American urban landscape.

Of course there are reasons why this is the way it is. The first being, most-likely a regulation that required or allowed the construction of a cul-de-sac to terminate at the edge of a subdivided parcel. The second and final lynch-pin came when the city, who owned the right-of-way of the original cul-de-sac, did not require the later development (with larger cul-de-sac loop on right) to tie into the original loop. Whether it was a lack of foresight, a lacking of a desire to require high connectivity standards or a combination of these two factors, this legacy will continue to impact our nation's for decades to come. The costs of which will be hard to define, especially because we have yet to fully realize what we've actually lost?

Though multiple friends of mine love suburbia, I do not. They love suburbia because they argue that it isn't as crowded as the city and that they are happy to live at a distance from the problems of our society. Hopefully in neighborhoods without drugs or at least the crime that comes with them. I understand their concerns and though I may emphasize more when I am raising children, it is also fair to say that such a lifestyle is for those who can afford it in terms of its cost of living and its societal costs of centralizing poverty in urban cores.

Now, I won't say that if we just move people that things will get better and I am certainly not suggesting that we should just redistribute income or resources to "fix" the inequality problem. I guess my first concerns are what are the costs of continual sprawl, of increased social class separation, and the loss of most of the benefits of urban living because we're afraid of being an unlikely victim of urban crime.

Undoubtedly matters like education and crime need to be dealt with to allow urban neighborhoods to be desirable family neighborhoods again and hopefully we'll see progress on both of these fronts in our lifetimes but to call suburbia a desirable substitute seems to be, well, not well received.

Living in suburbia out of necessity, I can tell you that I miss walking to local restaurants, shops, and transit. I certainly do not miss taking the bus — which is usually early, crowded, and generally inconvenient for where one wants to go. Cracked sidewalks, graffiti, old brick blocks, neon-lighted businesses and most importantly pedestrians help make the neighborhood into a vibrant place. To say this place is safe is, well, a stretch as crimereports.com show it is not "safe" but if you take precautions, you'll most likely not be mugged, burglarized or otherwise inconvenienced by the mostly petty crime in this neighborhood.

In the burbs, there is no such thing as "neighborhood retail." One must get in a car and drive to a strip center made of asphalt, vista-walls, flat roofs, and if you're lucky, some brick fascia. The local coffee shop closes at 10 P.M. though you're in luck if you're in the mood for a burger, some fries or a taco as several fast food restaurants stay open late. There is no place for the public to interact — except while complaining that there is always a shortage of cashiers at the local grocery or while waving a variety of hand signs at each other while sitting in rush hour traffic. For those who desire it, one could try to be social at a bar or perhaps at a church but both carry stigmas.

Essentially, if you don't want to associate with others and if that's why you moved to suburbia, this place is perfect. But if you're like me and you like people, you'll quickly find that something dies inside of us when we move into such an impersonable place. There are no public gardens, public spaces, public anythings. And as for the crime, drugs and homeless — it's all in suburbia but it's hidden. The buildings may only last 30 years but that's okay because by that time, those same developers are turning out new commercial zoning the next highway exit down. Blight starts to form — first Wal-Mart moves and then everyone who occupies the strip-mall surrounding the Wal-Mart. Yes my friends, even Dublin Ohio has blighted commercial property but lucky for the most over-planned community in central Ohio, growing trees and extremely strict signage standards allow Dublin Village Center and probably a few other places to be "hidden" from our view. If we can drive past it, we can pretend it isn't there. That's our response to blight, to neighbors in need, to poverty, to our fellow human. The Midwest values of succeed so you can take care of your self and help others have been stolen by greed, by gangs, by crack, and by the fear of violence.

Though I'd love to be able to do something about this, to improve people's lives and though I may be able to do something about things like this in future jobs — there's a limit to what I can do to fix this. Building a new society of cul-de-sac neighborhoods and vast seas of asphalt parking lots may seem like a way to escape the problems of urban America but these problems are able to spread just as fast. Certainly we've tried to segregate for hundreds of years and I won't claim that this is a new phenomena, the fact that we can now travel in vehicles as blink-of-an-eye speed from suburban house to suburban office park or an urban parking garage without coming into close contact with the poor marks a change in our society. We still live in a story, a tale of two cities despite all of the reform. Perhaps they may not live in absolute poverty but it is poverty none the less. I won't argue that our nation should try to stop this as perhaps a culture of being owed a "handout" just might represent one of the worst things in our society. I just wonder what this affect of near complete separation between the rich and poor will have on our society in the decades to come. Smart money is on the fact that some suburbs will become blighted and may become the face of the 21st century ghetto. It will be interesting to see how this happens - or doesn't.

Short of government policies to restrict or encourage particular patterns of growth and renewal, it's unclear what will happen except that there will be an increasing amount of separation between the wealthy and poor and that society will adapt. Inflexible real estate will decay and or be demolished. Zoning codes with the aim of separating uses will be loosened as vacancy and blight become more and more of a reality. Hopefully communities will cooperate and stop leap-frog development that is so costly for all but this creates its own negative consequences. In short, the answers we seek will reflect the things we value. Solutions will be fragmented and range in effectiveness from maybe effective to extremely not effective. The future will be what we make of it — and hopefully there will be things we can choose that actually help better our society as a whole.

Making it quick

First of all, I heart Matt Chandler. Listen to this piece of beautiful gospel manure.

Second, counseling is probably the best thing I've decided to do other than embrace Jesus. I have a sister in Christ who wants to help fight for me to get healing and it's really sweet to have someone who sees what Christ wants to do in our lives and wants to help us fight for it. I wish we could all do that and I pray that this is one of the things I'll get to do for the rest of my life, helping fight for the kingdom, for redemption, for the gospel in people's lives, in their hearts, in their souls....

Third, things are okay and from time to time feel like they're getting better. This is a painful process (counseling, healing, recovery, life...) but through it Christ will be Glorified and I will eventually be healed. It will take my whole life but hitting a lot of the stuff that's on me now will really help me see healing sooner rather than later and I praise God that he's working to help bring this about.

Fourth, I'm finding people in my group who are sweet and who like to hang out and enjoy quality time. It's a slow process but it's going to happen.

and Fifth, I'm still way to critical about people and situations. I have high standards but know that I am, in some situations, lacking in mercy and grace for those who are making mistakes. To simply try to ignore it may still be the wrong answer though and figuring out what to do, is well, an act of faith that I'm going to have to significantly explore. To do nothing is to discount the fact God is showing you stuff and maybe wants you to do something (appropriate) about it. To pray is to trust God will do what he needs to do, including use you to do something (appropriate) about it. To do something about it as in to approach and to talk about it would be to help preserve the glory and character of Christ, would be to (maybe) rebuke a brother who's (maybe) making an error but to do so wrongly will hurt, wound, and potentially show the judgementalism in my heart. As for now, the choice must be to pray and trust God to show me what I should do with and in the full character of Christ.

Please continue to pray that God will do great things in my life, bringing about healing and using me for the Kingdom - to help bring Glory, Honor, and Praise to the name of Jesus Christ.

Exchanging Truth for lies

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

My favorite quote from Stats 145. Anyways...


Yeah, so there's this lie I believe. I feel like I am sin, or like I am my sin or like I am the wrath of my sin. The sin of course is SSA and I think I feel so much like I am it is because in many ways, the sin carries an identity that is very strong and seems at times to be, well, me. Of course when I said this in a prayer group time tonight, I was challenged by a leader — "you do realize what you just said?" "yes, I know what I said and I'm not saying it's true but that at many times I feel as if I am my sin or as if I am sin."

Driving home just a few minutes later, I felt like all of these things started being spoken — perhaps as if this is the wrath of something I've done like in how the biblical-era Israelites were assumed to be sinful (or their parents or parent's parents) if they struggled with an infirmity. This is, in many ways, how I feel about my struggles and this feeling does not reflect the truth of the matter.

The truth of the matter is that the sin has been atoned for and I need not walk in it any longer. It has no power over me for Christ has broken its bond over me. Knowing this, I can't but think that I must be welcoming it or not actively rejecting it and that this must be a reason why my battle for freedom seems to be so easily stymied. I even desire to indulge the lust even right now despite all of the truth and knowledge that I know, though perhaps do not embrace or perhaps cannot accept with my heart.

The lie is that I am my sin, that Christ is not able to separate it from me, not able to purify or rip off the flesh from my body, remove the evil-desiring portions of my heart, etc. Most feel shameful or guilty that they can't get with the program and stop sinning. I guess, for the time-being, do not feel like I get that line of attack from the enemy because he'd rather make me feel like I have no choice as, perhaps he claims that I am but one thing, a sinner who desires to be comforted by what I know, my state living in sin, without hope, without desire for freedom. In essence, if the sin is removed, I will cease to exist. Two words: Scare Tactics.

There is a choice, I can choose Christ and to accept the TRUTH that I am not my sin, that Christ has atoned for these sins and for me, a sinful person, and that I am now a new creation, being transformed to be like Christ. Even-though I may be afflicted with SSA and even-though it seems as if it is me, it is not and I must reject it to put on the clothes of Christ. Furthermore, I must reject self-hatred and self-condemnation and put on the clothes of Christ, a son who is fully known and fully loved by the Father. One who is justified by the Father through Christ and needs not to condemn one's self.

If we embrace the lies, it will not cancel out the truth but it will make it damn near impossible to live as if the truth is true for us. Our knowledge is not defined by Truth but by feelings and the lies we embrace and, well, we will be sinning against God for we are refusing to believe who we are in him, who we are as the Word declares and the wrath, the result of this sin is a lack of hope and faith in the promises we have essentially rejected. For the time being, we may be saved by Jesus but we are not fully aware of the depth of saving and redemption that Christ is going to accomplish. Yes, even if we can't fathom the depths of our sins and disbelief, Christ intimately knows it all and permits us grace and mercy especially for the things we know not of and have little if any power to do anything about. In application, I may not be able personally stop my SSA but I can be striving to seek out more of God and some of those root issues and theology issues and I can be praying, confessing and repenting... Christ role is to change my heart and my role is to ask him, partner with him, and let him do as he will.

Lord, have your way.