Monday, October 27, 2008

What's wrong with this picture



What's wrong with this picture?

I was shocked when I found this gem on our GIS satellite imagery. Of course, this is a local live bird's eye shot but you get the picture. You're looking at two roads that could join, eliminating a cul-de-sac effectively allowing more vehicular access for auto drivers and cyclists alike. For some reason — and historians will speculate for the next 100 years — these roads were never connected. Somehow, this is all too typical in the American urban landscape.

Of course there are reasons why this is the way it is. The first being, most-likely a regulation that required or allowed the construction of a cul-de-sac to terminate at the edge of a subdivided parcel. The second and final lynch-pin came when the city, who owned the right-of-way of the original cul-de-sac, did not require the later development (with larger cul-de-sac loop on right) to tie into the original loop. Whether it was a lack of foresight, a lacking of a desire to require high connectivity standards or a combination of these two factors, this legacy will continue to impact our nation's for decades to come. The costs of which will be hard to define, especially because we have yet to fully realize what we've actually lost?

Though multiple friends of mine love suburbia, I do not. They love suburbia because they argue that it isn't as crowded as the city and that they are happy to live at a distance from the problems of our society. Hopefully in neighborhoods without drugs or at least the crime that comes with them. I understand their concerns and though I may emphasize more when I am raising children, it is also fair to say that such a lifestyle is for those who can afford it in terms of its cost of living and its societal costs of centralizing poverty in urban cores.

Now, I won't say that if we just move people that things will get better and I am certainly not suggesting that we should just redistribute income or resources to "fix" the inequality problem. I guess my first concerns are what are the costs of continual sprawl, of increased social class separation, and the loss of most of the benefits of urban living because we're afraid of being an unlikely victim of urban crime.

Undoubtedly matters like education and crime need to be dealt with to allow urban neighborhoods to be desirable family neighborhoods again and hopefully we'll see progress on both of these fronts in our lifetimes but to call suburbia a desirable substitute seems to be, well, not well received.

Living in suburbia out of necessity, I can tell you that I miss walking to local restaurants, shops, and transit. I certainly do not miss taking the bus — which is usually early, crowded, and generally inconvenient for where one wants to go. Cracked sidewalks, graffiti, old brick blocks, neon-lighted businesses and most importantly pedestrians help make the neighborhood into a vibrant place. To say this place is safe is, well, a stretch as crimereports.com show it is not "safe" but if you take precautions, you'll most likely not be mugged, burglarized or otherwise inconvenienced by the mostly petty crime in this neighborhood.

In the burbs, there is no such thing as "neighborhood retail." One must get in a car and drive to a strip center made of asphalt, vista-walls, flat roofs, and if you're lucky, some brick fascia. The local coffee shop closes at 10 P.M. though you're in luck if you're in the mood for a burger, some fries or a taco as several fast food restaurants stay open late. There is no place for the public to interact — except while complaining that there is always a shortage of cashiers at the local grocery or while waving a variety of hand signs at each other while sitting in rush hour traffic. For those who desire it, one could try to be social at a bar or perhaps at a church but both carry stigmas.

Essentially, if you don't want to associate with others and if that's why you moved to suburbia, this place is perfect. But if you're like me and you like people, you'll quickly find that something dies inside of us when we move into such an impersonable place. There are no public gardens, public spaces, public anythings. And as for the crime, drugs and homeless — it's all in suburbia but it's hidden. The buildings may only last 30 years but that's okay because by that time, those same developers are turning out new commercial zoning the next highway exit down. Blight starts to form — first Wal-Mart moves and then everyone who occupies the strip-mall surrounding the Wal-Mart. Yes my friends, even Dublin Ohio has blighted commercial property but lucky for the most over-planned community in central Ohio, growing trees and extremely strict signage standards allow Dublin Village Center and probably a few other places to be "hidden" from our view. If we can drive past it, we can pretend it isn't there. That's our response to blight, to neighbors in need, to poverty, to our fellow human. The Midwest values of succeed so you can take care of your self and help others have been stolen by greed, by gangs, by crack, and by the fear of violence.

Though I'd love to be able to do something about this, to improve people's lives and though I may be able to do something about things like this in future jobs — there's a limit to what I can do to fix this. Building a new society of cul-de-sac neighborhoods and vast seas of asphalt parking lots may seem like a way to escape the problems of urban America but these problems are able to spread just as fast. Certainly we've tried to segregate for hundreds of years and I won't claim that this is a new phenomena, the fact that we can now travel in vehicles as blink-of-an-eye speed from suburban house to suburban office park or an urban parking garage without coming into close contact with the poor marks a change in our society. We still live in a story, a tale of two cities despite all of the reform. Perhaps they may not live in absolute poverty but it is poverty none the less. I won't argue that our nation should try to stop this as perhaps a culture of being owed a "handout" just might represent one of the worst things in our society. I just wonder what this affect of near complete separation between the rich and poor will have on our society in the decades to come. Smart money is on the fact that some suburbs will become blighted and may become the face of the 21st century ghetto. It will be interesting to see how this happens - or doesn't.

Short of government policies to restrict or encourage particular patterns of growth and renewal, it's unclear what will happen except that there will be an increasing amount of separation between the wealthy and poor and that society will adapt. Inflexible real estate will decay and or be demolished. Zoning codes with the aim of separating uses will be loosened as vacancy and blight become more and more of a reality. Hopefully communities will cooperate and stop leap-frog development that is so costly for all but this creates its own negative consequences. In short, the answers we seek will reflect the things we value. Solutions will be fragmented and range in effectiveness from maybe effective to extremely not effective. The future will be what we make of it — and hopefully there will be things we can choose that actually help better our society as a whole.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Making it quick

First of all, I heart Matt Chandler. Listen to this piece of beautiful gospel manure.

Second, counseling is probably the best thing I've decided to do other than embrace Jesus. I have a sister in Christ who wants to help fight for me to get healing and it's really sweet to have someone who sees what Christ wants to do in our lives and wants to help us fight for it. I wish we could all do that and I pray that this is one of the things I'll get to do for the rest of my life, helping fight for the kingdom, for redemption, for the gospel in people's lives, in their hearts, in their souls....

Third, things are okay and from time to time feel like they're getting better. This is a painful process (counseling, healing, recovery, life...) but through it Christ will be Glorified and I will eventually be healed. It will take my whole life but hitting a lot of the stuff that's on me now will really help me see healing sooner rather than later and I praise God that he's working to help bring this about.

Fourth, I'm finding people in my group who are sweet and who like to hang out and enjoy quality time. It's a slow process but it's going to happen.

and Fifth, I'm still way to critical about people and situations. I have high standards but know that I am, in some situations, lacking in mercy and grace for those who are making mistakes. To simply try to ignore it may still be the wrong answer though and figuring out what to do, is well, an act of faith that I'm going to have to significantly explore. To do nothing is to discount the fact God is showing you stuff and maybe wants you to do something (appropriate) about it. To pray is to trust God will do what he needs to do, including use you to do something (appropriate) about it. To do something about it as in to approach and to talk about it would be to help preserve the glory and character of Christ, would be to (maybe) rebuke a brother who's (maybe) making an error but to do so wrongly will hurt, wound, and potentially show the judgementalism in my heart. As for now, the choice must be to pray and trust God to show me what I should do with and in the full character of Christ.

Please continue to pray that God will do great things in my life, bringing about healing and using me for the Kingdom - to help bring Glory, Honor, and Praise to the name of Jesus Christ.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Exchanging Truth for lies

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

My favorite quote from Stats 145. Anyways...


Yeah, so there's this lie I believe. I feel like I am sin, or like I am my sin or like I am the wrath of my sin. The sin of course is SSA and I think I feel so much like I am it is because in many ways, the sin carries an identity that is very strong and seems at times to be, well, me. Of course when I said this in a prayer group time tonight, I was challenged by a leader — "you do realize what you just said?" "yes, I know what I said and I'm not saying it's true but that at many times I feel as if I am my sin or as if I am sin."

Driving home just a few minutes later, I felt like all of these things started being spoken — perhaps as if this is the wrath of something I've done like in how the biblical-era Israelites were assumed to be sinful (or their parents or parent's parents) if they struggled with an infirmity. This is, in many ways, how I feel about my struggles and this feeling does not reflect the truth of the matter.

The truth of the matter is that the sin has been atoned for and I need not walk in it any longer. It has no power over me for Christ has broken its bond over me. Knowing this, I can't but think that I must be welcoming it or not actively rejecting it and that this must be a reason why my battle for freedom seems to be so easily stymied. I even desire to indulge the lust even right now despite all of the truth and knowledge that I know, though perhaps do not embrace or perhaps cannot accept with my heart.

The lie is that I am my sin, that Christ is not able to separate it from me, not able to purify or rip off the flesh from my body, remove the evil-desiring portions of my heart, etc. Most feel shameful or guilty that they can't get with the program and stop sinning. I guess, for the time-being, do not feel like I get that line of attack from the enemy because he'd rather make me feel like I have no choice as, perhaps he claims that I am but one thing, a sinner who desires to be comforted by what I know, my state living in sin, without hope, without desire for freedom. In essence, if the sin is removed, I will cease to exist. Two words: Scare Tactics.

There is a choice, I can choose Christ and to accept the TRUTH that I am not my sin, that Christ has atoned for these sins and for me, a sinful person, and that I am now a new creation, being transformed to be like Christ. Even-though I may be afflicted with SSA and even-though it seems as if it is me, it is not and I must reject it to put on the clothes of Christ. Furthermore, I must reject self-hatred and self-condemnation and put on the clothes of Christ, a son who is fully known and fully loved by the Father. One who is justified by the Father through Christ and needs not to condemn one's self.

If we embrace the lies, it will not cancel out the truth but it will make it damn near impossible to live as if the truth is true for us. Our knowledge is not defined by Truth but by feelings and the lies we embrace and, well, we will be sinning against God for we are refusing to believe who we are in him, who we are as the Word declares and the wrath, the result of this sin is a lack of hope and faith in the promises we have essentially rejected. For the time being, we may be saved by Jesus but we are not fully aware of the depth of saving and redemption that Christ is going to accomplish. Yes, even if we can't fathom the depths of our sins and disbelief, Christ intimately knows it all and permits us grace and mercy especially for the things we know not of and have little if any power to do anything about. In application, I may not be able personally stop my SSA but I can be striving to seek out more of God and some of those root issues and theology issues and I can be praying, confessing and repenting... Christ role is to change my heart and my role is to ask him, partner with him, and let him do as he will.

Lord, have your way.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Depths

So I know a pastor who questions whether David was like schizophrenic because of his psalms which some give great praise for God being near and then cry out, where are you God in the same song and verse even.

So I write tonight, perhaps in good company, that life is hard. Certainly there are many who would agree but tonight was especially hard. I sit in Church and feel like I'm being bombarded with thoughts that are depressing at best. I eagerly desire friends but this group I think I'm joining seems to be full of people who, well, could care less about whether or not I'm there. Maybe it's true but for someone who has been in situation after situation where they've felt rejected or were convinced they were rejected, it's hard to even dare to dream of something different. I decided during the service to talk to someone in the group and ask them, "do you think that the people in your group are people who desire to build friendships and relationships with new people?"

The answer I got was less than I could hope for and more along the lines of "building friendships is something you have to initiate and invest in and if you're not willing to do what you need to to build into a friendship, you're not going to find it." Also that "it could take six months to develop friendships in a group" and that you just have to stick with it." Again, disheartening because six months is a long time and because I'm lonely now. I asked him from his perspective as someone in the group and he thinks people are open to friendships but that they follow more than they initiate. This is not what I want to hear.

I hate feeling like I have to justify to others why it is worth their time to get to know me, to value me, to find worth in me. I hate feeling like I'm going head to head with relationships where the people I want to get to know make the easy decision to hang out with the guy they've been in friendship with since elementary school, junior high or high school. I hate having to deal with the enemy who continues to point to the obvious to say that I'm not loved, valued, desired, worth time, etc. Jesus so loves me and desires so much for me and yet I feel so far from him. I just feel like I have horrible secrets that I need to dump and people who I just wish could be there to help me. These secrets, this depression - it all feels like my soul, mind and heart is being ripped apart, limb by limb.

In the midst of this, I have the joy and freedom to be able to look up and pray and find peace, joy, and love from Jesus. Yes, this Jesus who is inviting me to take off my robes of pain, lust, evil, depravity, rejection and put on his robes of grace, love, righteousness, innocence and truth. Yes, this Jesus who brings freedom from the situations, flesh, and principalities that desire to see me take glory from the father and self-destruct. I want to be with people who desire this, who so eagerly desire this that it is evident in who they are and what they do. I haven't found these people yet or at least the Lord hasn't illuminated this for me yet.

And I don't want to say that I'm trying to find perfect people or something. This is something that's been suggested (accused) of my motivations. I just don't want another situation where I am in a group where I can't build relationships with men in the group because 1) they're too busy, 2) they could care less about the bible or pursuing Jesus, or 3) don't really appear to value me and/or our friendship to the point that they'd want to get to know me, meet regularly or hang out all that much, etc. ...And now I think I understand why so many people start drinking alone, they just don't have other people to drink with or really anything of value worth not being drunk for. God, I pray that I won't be a loner for long now!!!!!

And in this, I guess I see the codependency pop to the surface. But as I told my counselor, I'd rather have codependent relationships than no relationships at all. For the time being, unless I really try to connect with some of these people in my new group, I think I'll probably feel like I'll have neither. And in the dark places where I'm driving my car home or getting ready to go to bed at 9pm because I've got nothing going on.... in those places I get depressed and in those places, I start to lust after things and in that kind of a place, I so desperately fear that I will seek to have a one night stand or otherwise do something that I will regret. Of course you can't say this to anyone because there are far to few people who are mature enough to know how to deal with this and such seems to be my lot.

Lord, I desire friends, buddies who I can hang out with, enjoy time with. People who desire to see Christ glorified in my life and who I desire to see Him glorified in theirs. People who seek after truth and enjoy talking about truth, praying, moving as they would be led. People who actually call about hanging out and doing this or whatever. People who I don't feel like I have to justify my worth to or why they should like me, love me, etc. People who I can be completely real with and who are fine with that. Lord, I desire people who are like this.... Jesus, make me one of these people and help me find the others you're transforming to be like this. Jesus, help me to not feel entrapped in my loneliness, depression, and lust.

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Power IS OUT!!!! Are You Prepared?!?

So the power has been out since 3pm Sunday. I've got just one question for you -- are you prepared?!? Find out here.

Of course we've got power at work and while I enjoy my salt and vinegar potato chips, I write some words. One, it was a bad idea to go grocery shopping during the power outage somehow thinking - oh yeah, we'll have power sometime this evening and the food will not spoil. I guess I wasted a $15 on perishables.... Then I got Chinese late last night thinking I'll save it for lunch today but then realizing today that, oh crap, the power didn't go on so that means my food is probably spoiled so I can't eat it today (unless I desire to get sick of course).

Anyway, so like a typical blogger, it's time to spill the deep dark secrets. I'll write more about this later after I have more time to pray and think about this but the revolution in thought is this simple understanding that no matter what I do, Jesus loves me. I don't have to do anything to merit his love, his presence, his comfort. I could choose to do things my way, do worse and yet Jesus loves me just as I am. I don't have to seek after him or do religious things to get approval because I've already got it. There is real freedom in Christ to do as I desire and be loved just the same. In this freedom, there's room to love and worship Christ back for who he is and what he has done, is doing, and will do in my life. What a revolutionary concept -- that love could simply be based on who you are and not what you do! Some of the people I've talked to seem to get this but I'll just say that it is so much harder to get it and to let it sustain you when you deal with extreme levels of self-hatred. When one needs to learn how to love others, love themselves and love God all over again. It's like I'm hearing the Gospel for the very first time and I've been "trying" to follow Christ for eight years.

More on this later,
ttyl,
eric