I write this, not because I've learned the lesson but because I need to learn it myself.
I think I see that my desire is always to satiate myself. Whether it's food, pain or church - the desire is to make myself feel full and satisfied. This is dangerous because we know, there is only one thing that will satisfy — Jesus Christ.
And I look at the problems in my life and I think, at least in part, if only X, Y, and Z were different perhaps then I wouldn't be mad at God or at least seek out sin in an attempt to satisfy my foolish and depraved desires. Even if things were perfect on the outside, they probably wouldn't change my hearts desire to chase after things that are not of God. This is the problem!
No system or program will save me, make me happy, or help me follow a path of righteousness.... No, the thirst of God is only quenched from the source! Period.
How I get to the point where God is quenching my thirst — not on rare occasions but everyday, in every hour of need? To be honest, I'm not sure. I assume it comes from placing all of my faith in Jesus, especially when I desire to satisfy myself, to trust him with my lust and greed and choose to turn toward righteousness. Certainly we offer our petitions to God through prayer and we (should) try earnestly to help bring about the transformation we need but ultimately it's God who does the transformation.
This is such a lengthy and difficult thing to do, especially when there are large portions of my inner self and flesh that don't want to be transformed and are trying as hard as possible to reject God and his reign and rule in my life. I feel like I live in a state of duality where part of me wants to seek out God and the freedom that comes from placing my faith in and following Jesus, becoming a child of God with a destiny hid with Christ (all that good stuff!). The other part of me feels entrapped by such freedom and seeks to find a comfortable parasite to stymie the freedom Christ wants to give us for temporary pleasure and the "attractive," delusional perception of my ability control of my life (by pursuing desires, addictions, and more).
My response must be to keep praying and try, harder, to live a life dependent on God. Yes, God changes us but we must also be willing partners in pursuing life change and in my life, I feel like my heart does not always wish to cooperate. I need to pursue Christ so that he can change my heart to seek the things of God over the things of this world, that will all burn in the end.
Similar to the man inside me who pursues things that are not of God, there's a man that desires to be a part of a perfect church and to be a great small group leader who is the center of attention with dozens of great relationships. This man is an idol that distracts me from following and worshiping God as well as whatever it is that God wants to use me for. This man needs to be taken outback and spiritually shot in the head.
Father, though I don't say it enough — I need you to survive! I need you to change me, I need you to make me more dependent on you. You are the way, the truth and the light and I want to follow you home God! Lord God, help me change, have your way with my life and all my soul! Amen
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I just want some friends
How difficult can this be? I just want some friends. At 24, getting friends is harder than you might think (or at least this is how it seems to me).
People my age hang out at bars, meet at clubs or at work, etc. Life revolves around sex or dating or work. Where do I fit in this?
Virtually everyone in my academic program is a workaholic because they want that degree, that awesome job, etc. They seemingly have little to live for, to aspire to so they try to do 20 hour internships and take three or four classes.
I think to the "good olde days" when I lived in the dorms and there at least were other people. When I lived in a community house with 11 other Christian guys. When I was in a smallgroup bible study and an even smaller group of people reading Blue Like Jazz and Ragamuffin Gospel for the first time. We lived our lives, to some degree, with eachother. Those days are over and my soul hurts because of it all.
What would it take to go back, if possible? Certainly I can't pretend to be 18 and move into the dorms? Would I try to be a Christian or would I role with the punches and party until I puke and party some more? Would I do the crazy things that dorm students do or would I settle back into a Christian organization. Certainly this is the safe thing to do.
I'm not bashing Christian organizations by the way but there's something very, um, limiting by them. On one hand, they show you how to have fun without sinning but on the other hand, they help separate you from the world around you. All of a sudden, it's not okay to have sex be something that is common ground between you and friends, women, men, etc. Booze, depending on the church, are taboo. Certainly the drugs that make and break friendships - especially pot - are of course off limits. I like to talk about academic subjects and hang out with people while listening to chill music — the only thing missing is the pot... but it's funny because I'm not convinced you really need it either.
What does it take for a 24 year-old to make good, solid relationships? Who are my peers? Can I even make friendships with 20 and 19 year-olds and would I want to? I'm not a "cool" person by their narcissistic standards. F*ck their narcissistic standards — I hope their iPods and cell phones would just die, I hope their myspace and facebook universes would coplapse. Just as slavery wasn't acceptable, we must reject the urge to be enslaved by technology and embrace people, relationships, and most importantly - God! Certainly I don't expect people to be perfect but I do still expect them to still be people though.
People my age hang out at bars, meet at clubs or at work, etc. Life revolves around sex or dating or work. Where do I fit in this?
Virtually everyone in my academic program is a workaholic because they want that degree, that awesome job, etc. They seemingly have little to live for, to aspire to so they try to do 20 hour internships and take three or four classes.
I think to the "good olde days" when I lived in the dorms and there at least were other people. When I lived in a community house with 11 other Christian guys. When I was in a smallgroup bible study and an even smaller group of people reading Blue Like Jazz and Ragamuffin Gospel for the first time. We lived our lives, to some degree, with eachother. Those days are over and my soul hurts because of it all.
What would it take to go back, if possible? Certainly I can't pretend to be 18 and move into the dorms? Would I try to be a Christian or would I role with the punches and party until I puke and party some more? Would I do the crazy things that dorm students do or would I settle back into a Christian organization. Certainly this is the safe thing to do.
I'm not bashing Christian organizations by the way but there's something very, um, limiting by them. On one hand, they show you how to have fun without sinning but on the other hand, they help separate you from the world around you. All of a sudden, it's not okay to have sex be something that is common ground between you and friends, women, men, etc. Booze, depending on the church, are taboo. Certainly the drugs that make and break friendships - especially pot - are of course off limits. I like to talk about academic subjects and hang out with people while listening to chill music — the only thing missing is the pot... but it's funny because I'm not convinced you really need it either.
What does it take for a 24 year-old to make good, solid relationships? Who are my peers? Can I even make friendships with 20 and 19 year-olds and would I want to? I'm not a "cool" person by their narcissistic standards. F*ck their narcissistic standards — I hope their iPods and cell phones would just die, I hope their myspace and facebook universes would coplapse. Just as slavery wasn't acceptable, we must reject the urge to be enslaved by technology and embrace people, relationships, and most importantly - God! Certainly I don't expect people to be perfect but I do still expect them to still be people though.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Crazy January
Man things are crazy this January! Read the Jan 18 post before you read this one....
Obviously I was dealing with a lot last week. At a point where I where I was trying to work with leaders at my JH to pursue a new small group concept, this whole mosaic thing again came out of left field and popped into my lap. This is now the third time in 9 months that I have considered moving back to mosaic or what will eventually be mosaic. I'm confused as I think anyone else would be.
I've noticed while soul searching and thinking about these things, there are issues that I reject in one context yet embrace in another and it's clear this is obviously not very logical. Case in point, my feelings about a ministry or group that is focused on college students.
A week or more ago, I was very moved against this idea of a church or even small group that tried to exclusively reach college students. This doesn't mean they don't love and value non-college students but it does mean they have a vision and focus of
reaching college students. This is hard for me because there are a lot of good people out there who are not students and they can sometimes make or break a group. To "exclude" them seems wrong and that's how I felt, I thought it was favoritism.
Now, I realize that:
a) God has sovereignty to call someone to have a heart for a certain group and it's not as if God rejects others but that for us, in our place in life, time and space, he's called us to a specific goal. He's called others other specific calls but as for us, this is where God is calling us!
b) We are like a drop of water in the ocean - we are small. We are like a metallic atomic particle of a metal gear in a beautiful and complicated watch - we were meant to fulfill a specific purpose for a specific time and place. Considering these ideas, we can't be doing all things at all times. I have lots of dreams but it seems to be mutually exclusive for me to pursue all at the same time. God has called us for seasons of our lives to live and serve in various ways.
c) Though I can't relive the past, there's noting saying that in this season of my life, I can't revisit it one last time - as long as I'm okay with the fact I'm 24 and not 19 anymore.
WHAT DO I WANT
Not as angry at GCM or people who want to pursue campuses, I now have to consider where I'm at and what I want if it were only possible. These things are....
1) I want to live with good friends that help grow in my relationship with the Father, learn the Word, and learn how to help others grow in Christ. (Relationships leading one toward growing closer to God)
2) I want to live with good friends that will help me be faithful to God and reject evil in my life and embrace the Father. (Relationships leading one toward repentance)
3) I want to live with good friends that I co-labor with to help usher in the Kingdom of God. (Relationships leading one toward loving others)
and...
4) I want to be a part of a church that is helping me grow, helping others grow, helping me help others grow - closer to God as followers of Christ.
5) I want leaders who I can faithfully respect, who value God and love those in the faith in their church. (Where everyone, believer and non-believer is valued but the believer is loved as a brother, not feeling rejected because he is not someone who others in the church can share the gospel with them).
6) I want that beautiful community (one of mosaic's old tag-lines) that I enjoyed when I was an undergrad.
7) I want to be a part of a church that wants me as much as I so desperately want it.
8) I want to serve a church that needs laborers - where I don't feel like I could attend a do nothing and be okay with that.
9) The church can do so much to put its finger down on what could be and I guess I want to be a part of a church that uses this power only as God leads them to, not just when they feel like it.
I'm sure there's more to mention here. I know there were a lot of "I wants" in here but I'll say that I know that we don't always get our "I wants." God has different plans for us sometimes but even though, these are things I desire that I believe are biblical.
SHIFTING GEARS
This all comes at an interesting point in my life. After 43 days, I finally met with leaders at my church about the prospect of starting a new, specifically focused group. Essentially, this would be a group focused on reaching people who live in the north campus neighborhood between Clintonville and OSU. The idea is that we live in this area and we should try to reach those around us! It was a good meeting and I'm glad we met.
Not surprisingly, the outcome was that I needed to network with other leaders to try to gather those who share the vision and try to just start the darn thing. This is the hardest part — getting people on board with your vision. This gives me pause because though I believe I could do this, at this time I don't have enough contacts to make something like this happen. Should God provide others to lead with me, I'm now realizing that If I have to leave town to get a job, - it all may die. Yes, I have to put this in God's hands but I also need to have a measure of commitment so that if I start something, I'd stick with it until I can pass it on. I'm not saying that this isn't possible but three phrases come time mind.
— With God, all things are possible
— Everything that is Good is worth fighting for
— We make time for those things that are most important to us
Certainly starting a group is possible and something Good but I'm wondering how much I'm willing to sacrifice for it.
REGARDING THE CHURCH I DESIRE
Obviously points 1 through 3 have to do with who I live with and though I could live with JH people who desire these things, this door has not been opened to me. Instead, the door has been opened to live with a dear friend of the past and this excites me.
Furthermore, regarding the church, JH has grown me a lot and helped me grow others and I respect the leaders and the kind of community they are trying to create. I enjoy the community and the people but with few exceptions, they are at arms length. When I am getting real with people, it's a once or twice a month thing. This may be more my fault than anything though. I desire my church and the community but sometimes I feel like this is a one-way fight. Anyone who's tried to create community knows that it's something one has to fight for! Either way, I feel like I'm floating and not really serving or being a part of helping to bring something about but I also don't feel like I have to do anything. Though I feel like I'm not needed, it's obviously a lie from the enemy that keeps me from fighting through that perception and trying to help expand the church and the Kingdom. Though it also may also be a lie, there is a perception that the church limits what could be. In reality, they love to release people to do awesome stuff but the personal cost is high as I'm learning with this prospective group concept. Regardless of all of this, I LOVE MY CHURCH!
There are issues with it, and certainly this is reasonable but I love this church. In my darkest hour, they were there for me and there is a heart and a passion to love people who who they are unlike any community I've seen before. Not everyone is like this but those who love are not hard to find for those who are looking.
This is all just an issue because, if you can't tell, I'm questioning again whether or not I should pursue this church plant. I meet with the guy leading it in a week and I guess I need to pray that God would speak to me leading up to and through this meeting. What's clear though is that I do not feel like I'm looking for greener grass this time - instead of trying to leave something, this may just be one of those times where God is calling me toward something and I have to have faith that either way, God's Will will be accomplished — he will lead me where I am to go.
Obviously I was dealing with a lot last week. At a point where I where I was trying to work with leaders at my JH to pursue a new small group concept, this whole mosaic thing again came out of left field and popped into my lap. This is now the third time in 9 months that I have considered moving back to mosaic or what will eventually be mosaic. I'm confused as I think anyone else would be.
I've noticed while soul searching and thinking about these things, there are issues that I reject in one context yet embrace in another and it's clear this is obviously not very logical. Case in point, my feelings about a ministry or group that is focused on college students.
A week or more ago, I was very moved against this idea of a church or even small group that tried to exclusively reach college students. This doesn't mean they don't love and value non-college students but it does mean they have a vision and focus of
reaching college students. This is hard for me because there are a lot of good people out there who are not students and they can sometimes make or break a group. To "exclude" them seems wrong and that's how I felt, I thought it was favoritism.
Now, I realize that:
a) God has sovereignty to call someone to have a heart for a certain group and it's not as if God rejects others but that for us, in our place in life, time and space, he's called us to a specific goal. He's called others other specific calls but as for us, this is where God is calling us!
b) We are like a drop of water in the ocean - we are small. We are like a metallic atomic particle of a metal gear in a beautiful and complicated watch - we were meant to fulfill a specific purpose for a specific time and place. Considering these ideas, we can't be doing all things at all times. I have lots of dreams but it seems to be mutually exclusive for me to pursue all at the same time. God has called us for seasons of our lives to live and serve in various ways.
c) Though I can't relive the past, there's noting saying that in this season of my life, I can't revisit it one last time - as long as I'm okay with the fact I'm 24 and not 19 anymore.
WHAT DO I WANT
Not as angry at GCM or people who want to pursue campuses, I now have to consider where I'm at and what I want if it were only possible. These things are....
1) I want to live with good friends that help grow in my relationship with the Father, learn the Word, and learn how to help others grow in Christ. (Relationships leading one toward growing closer to God)
2) I want to live with good friends that will help me be faithful to God and reject evil in my life and embrace the Father. (Relationships leading one toward repentance)
3) I want to live with good friends that I co-labor with to help usher in the Kingdom of God. (Relationships leading one toward loving others)
and...
4) I want to be a part of a church that is helping me grow, helping others grow, helping me help others grow - closer to God as followers of Christ.
5) I want leaders who I can faithfully respect, who value God and love those in the faith in their church. (Where everyone, believer and non-believer is valued but the believer is loved as a brother, not feeling rejected because he is not someone who others in the church can share the gospel with them).
6) I want that beautiful community (one of mosaic's old tag-lines) that I enjoyed when I was an undergrad.
7) I want to be a part of a church that wants me as much as I so desperately want it.
8) I want to serve a church that needs laborers - where I don't feel like I could attend a do nothing and be okay with that.
9) The church can do so much to put its finger down on what could be and I guess I want to be a part of a church that uses this power only as God leads them to, not just when they feel like it.
I'm sure there's more to mention here. I know there were a lot of "I wants" in here but I'll say that I know that we don't always get our "I wants." God has different plans for us sometimes but even though, these are things I desire that I believe are biblical.
SHIFTING GEARS
This all comes at an interesting point in my life. After 43 days, I finally met with leaders at my church about the prospect of starting a new, specifically focused group. Essentially, this would be a group focused on reaching people who live in the north campus neighborhood between Clintonville and OSU. The idea is that we live in this area and we should try to reach those around us! It was a good meeting and I'm glad we met.
Not surprisingly, the outcome was that I needed to network with other leaders to try to gather those who share the vision and try to just start the darn thing. This is the hardest part — getting people on board with your vision. This gives me pause because though I believe I could do this, at this time I don't have enough contacts to make something like this happen. Should God provide others to lead with me, I'm now realizing that If I have to leave town to get a job, - it all may die. Yes, I have to put this in God's hands but I also need to have a measure of commitment so that if I start something, I'd stick with it until I can pass it on. I'm not saying that this isn't possible but three phrases come time mind.
— With God, all things are possible
— Everything that is Good is worth fighting for
— We make time for those things that are most important to us
Certainly starting a group is possible and something Good but I'm wondering how much I'm willing to sacrifice for it.
REGARDING THE CHURCH I DESIRE
Obviously points 1 through 3 have to do with who I live with and though I could live with JH people who desire these things, this door has not been opened to me. Instead, the door has been opened to live with a dear friend of the past and this excites me.
Furthermore, regarding the church, JH has grown me a lot and helped me grow others and I respect the leaders and the kind of community they are trying to create. I enjoy the community and the people but with few exceptions, they are at arms length. When I am getting real with people, it's a once or twice a month thing. This may be more my fault than anything though. I desire my church and the community but sometimes I feel like this is a one-way fight. Anyone who's tried to create community knows that it's something one has to fight for! Either way, I feel like I'm floating and not really serving or being a part of helping to bring something about but I also don't feel like I have to do anything. Though I feel like I'm not needed, it's obviously a lie from the enemy that keeps me from fighting through that perception and trying to help expand the church and the Kingdom. Though it also may also be a lie, there is a perception that the church limits what could be. In reality, they love to release people to do awesome stuff but the personal cost is high as I'm learning with this prospective group concept. Regardless of all of this, I LOVE MY CHURCH!
There are issues with it, and certainly this is reasonable but I love this church. In my darkest hour, they were there for me and there is a heart and a passion to love people who who they are unlike any community I've seen before. Not everyone is like this but those who love are not hard to find for those who are looking.
This is all just an issue because, if you can't tell, I'm questioning again whether or not I should pursue this church plant. I meet with the guy leading it in a week and I guess I need to pray that God would speak to me leading up to and through this meeting. What's clear though is that I do not feel like I'm looking for greener grass this time - instead of trying to leave something, this may just be one of those times where God is calling me toward something and I have to have faith that either way, God's Will will be accomplished — he will lead me where I am to go.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Respect the place God has placed you
My experience at my second church, a college ministry focused missional church, has left me with more pain and wounding than I thought possible. I know this isn't everybody's story but for me my departure was a hurtful one of which I continue to feel the fallout from. As a result of the situation I was depressed, disillusioned, mad at God, myself and my friends. I lost my hope, my joy and though I longed for something more. Believing that it was my fault, I started doing things to hurt myself. Even now, two years later, I am so full of pain that I wept for some time last night.
Is it not hard to understand that I would do everything I could to reject and walkaway from these people and the theories they operated by. As a student, I started going to a community church that was quite a distance from campus. I made friends with people who were from Columbus and those who never went to school. God blessed me with my new small group and God started healing me.
Now that the grass is not so green anymore at my current church, I learned that the denomination of my old church is replanting the church. This means that new leaders from another church are coming here and trying to start up something new. Discontent with my patchy grass and upset, lonely, and bored, I was attracted to this new thing.
In this process I realize that the rejection of the old church and it's methods was not based on solid grounds but actually stemming from emotional wounding and hurt rather than logic and principles. In this, I have to accept that I am dealing with massive unforgiveness and not too much else.
Now that the viability of this way of doing things is no longer in question as a primary issue, I now think I could be a part of the new church plant. In this though, my desires are partially rooted in a desire to recapture the good community and relationships that were lost when I left the old church. Now, 24 and in grad school, I'm not the same person and I have to deal with the fact that I can't go back and expect it to be the same. Certainly there is much sadness in this realization that this chapter in my life is closed — you're only 21 and an undergraduate once in your life and I finally realized that a realistic hope of reliving this is gone. This is why I wept last night.
Like dealing with loss after a fire, when your house burns down, you remember half of the things you lost but over time, you slowly remember the rest and this is where I'm at right now.
Though I'm not completely sure that I'm not to be a part of this new church plant, this decision can't be based on my desire to relive the past for this is not possible. Certainly I can try to experience things like I did in the past — build relationships, socialize with others, have fun and this is fine. Though these things may make my experience similar, I can't relive the past.
I have to come to terms with the fact that the Mosaic I knew is dead and has been dead for a long time. The reasons why I left are the same reasons why it has died. Now a part of a church that I agree with in theory but not always in practice, I've got to respect where God has placed me and try to make the best of it. At least I agree with the vision at my church and now the church just has to apply it justly and though this can be annoying, I can live with slow change.
I must persevere. I must trust and have faith that God will work. Please pray that I can get to the point where I can forgive GCM, Mosaic, and my friends for what they did and (in practice, not theory) and please pray that I can realize that I can't relive the past or vicariously live through the past. Please pray that I would have hope for today and tomorrow and that something would happen. I need friends to help me through this and I need to meet a few good friends who have time to help create that beautiful community I desire.
Is it not hard to understand that I would do everything I could to reject and walkaway from these people and the theories they operated by. As a student, I started going to a community church that was quite a distance from campus. I made friends with people who were from Columbus and those who never went to school. God blessed me with my new small group and God started healing me.
Now that the grass is not so green anymore at my current church, I learned that the denomination of my old church is replanting the church. This means that new leaders from another church are coming here and trying to start up something new. Discontent with my patchy grass and upset, lonely, and bored, I was attracted to this new thing.
In this process I realize that the rejection of the old church and it's methods was not based on solid grounds but actually stemming from emotional wounding and hurt rather than logic and principles. In this, I have to accept that I am dealing with massive unforgiveness and not too much else.
Now that the viability of this way of doing things is no longer in question as a primary issue, I now think I could be a part of the new church plant. In this though, my desires are partially rooted in a desire to recapture the good community and relationships that were lost when I left the old church. Now, 24 and in grad school, I'm not the same person and I have to deal with the fact that I can't go back and expect it to be the same. Certainly there is much sadness in this realization that this chapter in my life is closed — you're only 21 and an undergraduate once in your life and I finally realized that a realistic hope of reliving this is gone. This is why I wept last night.
Like dealing with loss after a fire, when your house burns down, you remember half of the things you lost but over time, you slowly remember the rest and this is where I'm at right now.
Though I'm not completely sure that I'm not to be a part of this new church plant, this decision can't be based on my desire to relive the past for this is not possible. Certainly I can try to experience things like I did in the past — build relationships, socialize with others, have fun and this is fine. Though these things may make my experience similar, I can't relive the past.
I have to come to terms with the fact that the Mosaic I knew is dead and has been dead for a long time. The reasons why I left are the same reasons why it has died. Now a part of a church that I agree with in theory but not always in practice, I've got to respect where God has placed me and try to make the best of it. At least I agree with the vision at my church and now the church just has to apply it justly and though this can be annoying, I can live with slow change.
I must persevere. I must trust and have faith that God will work. Please pray that I can get to the point where I can forgive GCM, Mosaic, and my friends for what they did and (in practice, not theory) and please pray that I can realize that I can't relive the past or vicariously live through the past. Please pray that I would have hope for today and tomorrow and that something would happen. I need friends to help me through this and I need to meet a few good friends who have time to help create that beautiful community I desire.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
More Than Life
Stand by everything You said
Stand by the promises we made
Let go of everything I’ve done
I'll run into Your open arms
And all I know
Chorus:
I love You more than life
I love You more than life
Fall back on everything You've done
Fall back on everlasting arms
When all the world is swept away
You are all the things I need
You're the air I breathe
How can it be
You were the one on the cross that died for me?
Lifted for all our shame?
How can it be
The scars in Your hands are for me?
You are the king of all
Stand by the promises we made
Let go of everything I’ve done
I'll run into Your open arms
And all I know
Chorus:
I love You more than life
I love You more than life
Fall back on everything You've done
Fall back on everlasting arms
When all the world is swept away
You are all the things I need
You're the air I breathe
How can it be
You were the one on the cross that died for me?
Lifted for all our shame?
How can it be
The scars in Your hands are for me?
You are the king of all
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