Note: Writing on this blog isn't going to become a daily thing but I want to share and ask for prayer.
I am not concerned that I will somehow escape the will of God or his plan for my life. I don't desire to hyper-spiritualize things either. That being said, this is a weird season that I'm in these days — very few planning jobs (the profession I'm educated in), and few other jobs to speak of. If I am willing to move, my prospects of finding something increase but at an expense. Simply, my impression of what God wants to do in my life with my community and in this time is growing and to leave at the beginning or middle of it seems to be, well, counter productive. This all said, I need a job and I'm not going to screw up his plans.... I know and want to submit all of this to the Lord and I don't believe that will hyper-spiritualizing anything. Beyond direction, I want to be submitted to his leading and direction. This is something that's important to me, a way of obeying and worshiping. I pray these things to God and now I put them on my blog, please pray that this would be a summer of intense growth and connection with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, a summer of healing, a summer of following, a summer of finding work and keeping my affairs in order.
your friend,
Eric
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Freedom? — Yes, Freedom in Christ
On Sunday, I put on my solar heat collector (black graduation robe) and marched into Ohio Stadium. Three hours later I had three photographs of me taken as I walked up to someone who wore a more fancy robe than I, shook their hand, and received my white envelope. In side, a piece of paper recognizing my two years of work and the result of $40,000 of student loans. Dazed and realizing this is probably the last time I'll get to walk on the field at Ohio Stadium, I took a few minutes to soak up the moment. Looking around, I saw parents and family members snapping shots of the graduates as well as fellow graduates getting into groups and taking photographs on the field. Many were excited and full of emotion. I stood there holding my crocks (shoes) in one hand and my diploma in the other. My bare feet trying to pinch the fake grass between my toes, striving for some sense of awareness. Minutes later, I walked through crowds of very diverse families — some waiting and others rejoicing and taking photographs with their new graduates. Regardless of ethnicity or race, Black families, Indian families, Asian families, and White families alike were celebrating the achievement of their newest graduate family member. I wonder why they are so excited. Was graduating from college such a challenge or even a question? I know that not all graduate and I know from friends that it can sometimes take a full decade to get through as an undergrad. Regardless, graduating the first time felt normal and now, graduating for the second time it felt surreal as I walked through the crowds toward my father who came to watch the ceremony.
A few days later, I sit unemployed and looking at job postings. Many are in far away places and I'm fine with moving but in many respects, I don't want to move on. In many respects moving on seems like something that would be paralyzing and come at the wrong time.... I finally have time for art, pursuing God and relationships, and most importantly, I finally have met someone I really like and I think that it's safe to say we're dating. Beyond the anxiety, this could be a really good season to stay in Columbus for... with the sole exception of the whole employment thing. The number of choices seem crippling and everything being up in the air (thinking about moving again) at the same time seems at times as if it is too much to bear. While in school, the directive was simple: pay money (loans), do the work well, pass classes, work internships, and graduate. Now, it is get a job (more outside of my control than I'm usually comfortable with) and live life. There's little structure and lots of ambiguity.
I don't like this place but I know that this is the place where faith grows. This is the place where I need to come to Jesus in prayer and ask, Lord — what should I do? In many respects, I don't expect a bright neon sign or an audible voice but the Lord has been clear with me about such things before and he can do so again. If anything is apparent over the past few years, pursuing what he wants for me is the best thing that I can do in my life. In many aspects I have dreams and aspirations and though I do believe God moves and works through those things as well, I believe he has plans and processes that he moves us through to mature us, to draw us closer to him, to help us increase in the measure of Christ-likeness. If this is a time that will lead to those things, all the more wonderful a season this will be. In past years I've felt like my life has been on hold and now I can be more purposeful about finding and walking out the things he'd have for me — hopefully here but if I need to move, hopefully wherever I go. All of this makes me nervous but I know Christ is with me and in him, I can survive and thrive in the season of unknown around the corner.... My desire is to grow in him and I pray that this happens in great abundance over the this season.
A few days later, I sit unemployed and looking at job postings. Many are in far away places and I'm fine with moving but in many respects, I don't want to move on. In many respects moving on seems like something that would be paralyzing and come at the wrong time.... I finally have time for art, pursuing God and relationships, and most importantly, I finally have met someone I really like and I think that it's safe to say we're dating. Beyond the anxiety, this could be a really good season to stay in Columbus for... with the sole exception of the whole employment thing. The number of choices seem crippling and everything being up in the air (thinking about moving again) at the same time seems at times as if it is too much to bear. While in school, the directive was simple: pay money (loans), do the work well, pass classes, work internships, and graduate. Now, it is get a job (more outside of my control than I'm usually comfortable with) and live life. There's little structure and lots of ambiguity.
I don't like this place but I know that this is the place where faith grows. This is the place where I need to come to Jesus in prayer and ask, Lord — what should I do? In many respects, I don't expect a bright neon sign or an audible voice but the Lord has been clear with me about such things before and he can do so again. If anything is apparent over the past few years, pursuing what he wants for me is the best thing that I can do in my life. In many aspects I have dreams and aspirations and though I do believe God moves and works through those things as well, I believe he has plans and processes that he moves us through to mature us, to draw us closer to him, to help us increase in the measure of Christ-likeness. If this is a time that will lead to those things, all the more wonderful a season this will be. In past years I've felt like my life has been on hold and now I can be more purposeful about finding and walking out the things he'd have for me — hopefully here but if I need to move, hopefully wherever I go. All of this makes me nervous but I know Christ is with me and in him, I can survive and thrive in the season of unknown around the corner.... My desire is to grow in him and I pray that this happens in great abundance over the this season.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Finishing up in Style (3 days until the ceremony!)
I'm done. It would be a sweeter feeling if I didn't feel so hung-over from the marathon session of final projects and commitments for the quarter — including an all-nighter and not eating food for almost 30 hours.
Things with one of my studio courses got so far out of whack that I barely had enough time to prepare for a final exam and didn't have enough time to complete my group project (second studio) in another class. Due at midnight Tuesday, it was delivered in full by 3pm Wednesday. Luckily, I have profs who can be okay with things like that. This is all done now... sure in a few weeks I'll be revisiting that project and trying to turn it into something I can be proud of but for now I'm done.
And the Lord was with me. I so wanted to quit and I so wanted to give up this whole week. There were times when I thought I was headed toward disaster, times when I was accused of doing bad things, times when I thought I might lose my "manlihood" — or at least this is what it all felt like. In the end, the Lord was protecting and making sure that I would get done. He made my group project, which relied upon the highly buggy and unstable CommunityViz plug-in for ArcGIS, finally start working okay after days of work and losing progress, etc.
Today, I clean -- laundry is in the wash, stuff is getting cleaned up, I shaved, I showered (first time in 48+ hrs). I'm getting a haircut later today -- like the man who comes out of the wilderness, I'm getting a haircut (needed since I haven't had one in like 5 or 6 weeks) and trying to get back some sense of normalcy in my life, or at least appearance.
Well, thank you all who were praying for me and I hope to see some of you tonight at small-group. Bests to all and I hope this will be a great summer of growing closer to God, experiencing new freedom in multiple realms, and hopefully this will include employment as well...
God Bless and have a great day,
Eric
Things with one of my studio courses got so far out of whack that I barely had enough time to prepare for a final exam and didn't have enough time to complete my group project (second studio) in another class. Due at midnight Tuesday, it was delivered in full by 3pm Wednesday. Luckily, I have profs who can be okay with things like that. This is all done now... sure in a few weeks I'll be revisiting that project and trying to turn it into something I can be proud of but for now I'm done.
And the Lord was with me. I so wanted to quit and I so wanted to give up this whole week. There were times when I thought I was headed toward disaster, times when I was accused of doing bad things, times when I thought I might lose my "manlihood" — or at least this is what it all felt like. In the end, the Lord was protecting and making sure that I would get done. He made my group project, which relied upon the highly buggy and unstable CommunityViz plug-in for ArcGIS, finally start working okay after days of work and losing progress, etc.
Today, I clean -- laundry is in the wash, stuff is getting cleaned up, I shaved, I showered (first time in 48+ hrs). I'm getting a haircut later today -- like the man who comes out of the wilderness, I'm getting a haircut (needed since I haven't had one in like 5 or 6 weeks) and trying to get back some sense of normalcy in my life, or at least appearance.
Well, thank you all who were praying for me and I hope to see some of you tonight at small-group. Bests to all and I hope this will be a great summer of growing closer to God, experiencing new freedom in multiple realms, and hopefully this will include employment as well...
God Bless and have a great day,
Eric
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
19 days until I graduate — praise Jesus!
Praise you Jesus for I graduate in 19 days and it is time to move on with the rest of your life for me. I don't know what awaits but I know you'll be there, you love me, and I trust that you are good and that you will provide!
Of course 19 days is a long time and it's not over yet. Things are getting downright murderous in response to problems and delays in one of my courses. The others are difficult and will become issues soon enough. So I take a couple minutes to chill out, post a post and maybe pray some.
I am realizing that I am completely dependent upon the good work of the Lord to bring about the change that I desire in my life. I will not be able to change my heart, change my attractions from evil to good, change my desires from bad things to things that are of the Lord! I can accomplish none of this but with Christ, all of these things are possible! I will try to be obedient and position myself and I pray that he will heal and change and transform — He will receive the Glory! He is worth of Praise! Oh my soul aches because his work regarding key things is not complete in me — but I can have hope because I know he makes all things new. Praise Jesus that I do not stand condemned but that I stand as friend and that he loves me oh so much.
Oh, I long to know and love the Father more and more. Oh, I long to know the Spirit all the more — his warm touch and embrace, better than any high. Oh, I wish that I felt you daily, that I would hear your voice daily. I feel like I am one of those who will perish for lack of knowledge, lack of faith — Lord, give me that faith! give me that Trust! These are but gifts that you apportion, increase my faith, increase my trust! Sustain me today, help me grow in you.
And Lord, please provide me a job — a way to pay for the indebtedness that I should have never shouldered. Owned by the debt, I ask you provide a way for me to release this from my yoke — principally, I ask that you'd give me a job for which I can work and try to release the debt quickly.
Of course 19 days is a long time and it's not over yet. Things are getting downright murderous in response to problems and delays in one of my courses. The others are difficult and will become issues soon enough. So I take a couple minutes to chill out, post a post and maybe pray some.
I am realizing that I am completely dependent upon the good work of the Lord to bring about the change that I desire in my life. I will not be able to change my heart, change my attractions from evil to good, change my desires from bad things to things that are of the Lord! I can accomplish none of this but with Christ, all of these things are possible! I will try to be obedient and position myself and I pray that he will heal and change and transform — He will receive the Glory! He is worth of Praise! Oh my soul aches because his work regarding key things is not complete in me — but I can have hope because I know he makes all things new. Praise Jesus that I do not stand condemned but that I stand as friend and that he loves me oh so much.
Oh, I long to know and love the Father more and more. Oh, I long to know the Spirit all the more — his warm touch and embrace, better than any high. Oh, I wish that I felt you daily, that I would hear your voice daily. I feel like I am one of those who will perish for lack of knowledge, lack of faith — Lord, give me that faith! give me that Trust! These are but gifts that you apportion, increase my faith, increase my trust! Sustain me today, help me grow in you.
And Lord, please provide me a job — a way to pay for the indebtedness that I should have never shouldered. Owned by the debt, I ask you provide a way for me to release this from my yoke — principally, I ask that you'd give me a job for which I can work and try to release the debt quickly.
Monday, May 11, 2009
What can I say?
Lord, I declare again that I am yours. You know the wayward ways of my heart and all that I can say is that I am wrong, I am sorry (on some level) and that I eagerly desire you to continue sanctifying me, changing my heart, making me want to love and honor you more.
On a lighter note, I met a girl. Actually I've known her for a while — she laughs at my jokes, I feel all funny inside when I'm around her. I think she's cute and she told me that she really likes me as well. This is all weird and new to me — I've never dated anyone before. I'm struggling to understand how I feel and what all of this means. I wish it was straight forward but it's all complicated — not with her but with me. I know that's a cliché but it seems so true right now. Perhaps it is the enemy, perhaps it is fear . . . Lord I need clarity, I need your guidance.
Beyond that, comps went okay. I hope I passed. I'm really at the mercy of my instructors. The job hunt is slow and I don't really have a lot of time for it right now. For now, Lord, I need you to guide my path, get me a job, give me direction. Lord, lead me to do my part and you do the rest.
Praise you father
On a lighter note, I met a girl. Actually I've known her for a while — she laughs at my jokes, I feel all funny inside when I'm around her. I think she's cute and she told me that she really likes me as well. This is all weird and new to me — I've never dated anyone before. I'm struggling to understand how I feel and what all of this means. I wish it was straight forward but it's all complicated — not with her but with me. I know that's a cliché but it seems so true right now. Perhaps it is the enemy, perhaps it is fear . . . Lord I need clarity, I need your guidance.
Beyond that, comps went okay. I hope I passed. I'm really at the mercy of my instructors. The job hunt is slow and I don't really have a lot of time for it right now. For now, Lord, I need you to guide my path, get me a job, give me direction. Lord, lead me to do my part and you do the rest.
Praise you father
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