Lord, I declare again that I am yours. You know the wayward ways of my heart and all that I can say is that I am wrong, I am sorry (on some level) and that I eagerly desire you to continue sanctifying me, changing my heart, making me want to love and honor you more.
On a lighter note, I met a girl. Actually I've known her for a while — she laughs at my jokes, I feel all funny inside when I'm around her. I think she's cute and she told me that she really likes me as well. This is all weird and new to me — I've never dated anyone before. I'm struggling to understand how I feel and what all of this means. I wish it was straight forward but it's all complicated — not with her but with me. I know that's a cliché but it seems so true right now. Perhaps it is the enemy, perhaps it is fear . . . Lord I need clarity, I need your guidance.
Beyond that, comps went okay. I hope I passed. I'm really at the mercy of my instructors. The job hunt is slow and I don't really have a lot of time for it right now. For now, Lord, I need you to guide my path, get me a job, give me direction. Lord, lead me to do my part and you do the rest.
Praise you father
Monday, May 11, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Back from APA
Back from the conference in Minneapolis — the conference I thought I would get a job at. And, there were 28 positions available, 7 for interns and more than half for senior or upper level people. Knowing one must buy a lotto ticket to win, I left four resumés and tried to have a good time during the rest of the conference.
I arrived back to Columbus tired and deluged with a ton of work and studying. Comps is in 8 days and I have virtually no studying done, I have classwork for three courses that needs attention, and then there's the fretting about my living situation, jobs, and continual flow of bills and bad news that weighs me down. Praise God for being there and loving us and not leaving because life can really suck some times and I know I haven't seen the half of it yet. $53k in the hole and a seemingly non-existent job market does wonders for instilling hope in the next class of graduates.
Jokingly, the swine flu seems to be the one thing that will be good for the job market as it may thin out competition or create openings — however you'd like to say it. When I made the joke to a friend, I immediately realized that it wasn't all that funny but things can seem so bleak now that one knows there's three ways out of this, either the economy will grow or you or I will have to no longer be looking for work and there's only a few ways that happens — usually disability or death. I'm sure 2008 and 2009 will be record years for suicide — the question is who will outlast the weakest? Even if we survive, we've got years of debt that only our children will be able ("hope"-fully) pay off.... Obama's indentured servitude to be placed on the second and third generation. To be fair, Obama didn't cause this but he ain't helping it either. Now seems like a great time to find a third-world nation or slice of the West to settle down in and go off the grid, get to the simple life, focus on what's important — Jesus and blessing those around you.
I arrived back to Columbus tired and deluged with a ton of work and studying. Comps is in 8 days and I have virtually no studying done, I have classwork for three courses that needs attention, and then there's the fretting about my living situation, jobs, and continual flow of bills and bad news that weighs me down. Praise God for being there and loving us and not leaving because life can really suck some times and I know I haven't seen the half of it yet. $53k in the hole and a seemingly non-existent job market does wonders for instilling hope in the next class of graduates.
Jokingly, the swine flu seems to be the one thing that will be good for the job market as it may thin out competition or create openings — however you'd like to say it. When I made the joke to a friend, I immediately realized that it wasn't all that funny but things can seem so bleak now that one knows there's three ways out of this, either the economy will grow or you or I will have to no longer be looking for work and there's only a few ways that happens — usually disability or death. I'm sure 2008 and 2009 will be record years for suicide — the question is who will outlast the weakest? Even if we survive, we've got years of debt that only our children will be able ("hope"-fully) pay off.... Obama's indentured servitude to be placed on the second and third generation. To be fair, Obama didn't cause this but he ain't helping it either. Now seems like a great time to find a third-world nation or slice of the West to settle down in and go off the grid, get to the simple life, focus on what's important — Jesus and blessing those around you.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Changes
So yesterday I found my bible and journal, both lost for at least six weeks. They were in a box in the basement. I found them just two days after I finally broke down and bought a new bible — a NASB.
Life is difficult and yet at times I question how I could think that. Not sure if I just like the pity or if my opinion on things is just always askew. Regardless, I've got a fair amount of work I could and should be doing, plus studying for a comp exam, updating my resume, creating a visual resume to do. I'm going to a conference in 10 days and I hope to get myself a job. After then, I'll be applying everywhere though sometimes I think I really don't want to move on.
Moving on means opportunity and new people, places, challenges, community. I'm okay with that but my prayer is that something would work out here. That I could find a job and hopefully a job where I get to be creative and really address issues, problems, challenges, adversity. I'm tired of inventing problems and trying to find solutions for them — and maybe those efforts will result in a business but as for right now, I've got to graduate and figure out how to make some coin.
Oh Lord, I need you and I want to be with you. I know you are near, I know you love me. Lord, please keep working on my heart and keep transforming it to be like yours, to be so desperately in love with you. Help me fall in love with your Word and in spending time with you. Help me to see your path for redemption in the people and the things that seem so fallen to me, the churches that seem so dysfunctional. Give me a hope and a desire to pray for your transformation of it all, to see your Glory come through the renovation and restoration of it all. Give me a heart of love and patience and grace for those who so annoy me, for those I would rather ignore, for those I'd rather defame, steal from, etc. Lord, get me a job here or in Ohio or the midwest — please! Help me know that you are near and that you won't leave me and have plans to prosper me.
Your son,
Eric
Life is difficult and yet at times I question how I could think that. Not sure if I just like the pity or if my opinion on things is just always askew. Regardless, I've got a fair amount of work I could and should be doing, plus studying for a comp exam, updating my resume, creating a visual resume to do. I'm going to a conference in 10 days and I hope to get myself a job. After then, I'll be applying everywhere though sometimes I think I really don't want to move on.
Moving on means opportunity and new people, places, challenges, community. I'm okay with that but my prayer is that something would work out here. That I could find a job and hopefully a job where I get to be creative and really address issues, problems, challenges, adversity. I'm tired of inventing problems and trying to find solutions for them — and maybe those efforts will result in a business but as for right now, I've got to graduate and figure out how to make some coin.
Oh Lord, I need you and I want to be with you. I know you are near, I know you love me. Lord, please keep working on my heart and keep transforming it to be like yours, to be so desperately in love with you. Help me fall in love with your Word and in spending time with you. Help me to see your path for redemption in the people and the things that seem so fallen to me, the churches that seem so dysfunctional. Give me a hope and a desire to pray for your transformation of it all, to see your Glory come through the renovation and restoration of it all. Give me a heart of love and patience and grace for those who so annoy me, for those I would rather ignore, for those I'd rather defame, steal from, etc. Lord, get me a job here or in Ohio or the midwest — please! Help me know that you are near and that you won't leave me and have plans to prosper me.
Your son,
Eric
Monday, March 23, 2009
Lord, please help
Things are blah and I still feel like I'm trying to live apart from Jesus. It doesn't work well but I try anyway. The sin isn't really worth it but when you're stuck in malaise, it is so hard to break out. Jesus is with me and forgiveness and restoration is a prayer away. God knows I am sorry and sad but obedience and a desire to fellowship seems beyond me — a lie of the enemy that still rings true with my heart.
As a friend said, just tell God that you love him and want him to do as he will so here it is. Lord, I love you and so desperately desire that you would change my heart and make me want to glorify you with my all of my mind, body, soul and strength, that I in my entirety and everything that I would do bring you Glory and that, in your grace, I would have relationship. Lord, I love you and need you to save me from this death spiral I find myself in — I know that your grace is for the sake of relationship and permission to do whatever I desire, something that I know is blasphemy.
As a friend said, just tell God that you love him and want him to do as he will so here it is. Lord, I love you and so desperately desire that you would change my heart and make me want to glorify you with my all of my mind, body, soul and strength, that I in my entirety and everything that I would do bring you Glory and that, in your grace, I would have relationship. Lord, I love you and need you to save me from this death spiral I find myself in — I know that your grace is for the sake of relationship and permission to do whatever I desire, something that I know is blasphemy.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Backsliding
Jesus, please have mercy on me a sinner.
Father, the past two weeks have seen me grow colder and number to you and your quiet voice. I've sought to worship other things — I've been absorbed by compulsion and false hopes. I've been distracted by the illusion of satisfaction in anything other than you Father. As horrible as it always seems, today is the first Sunday of the month so Communion is being prepared as I contemplate my sin and ask for forgiveness and yet seemingly never really change the way I act, never really try to be obedient. Father, you know where I'm at and you know it isn't my fault that I'm in this world that is so sexualized, that is so full of distractions. Yet, I am accountable for how I respond to this world, how I choose to reject or embrace the traps and the enemy that seeks to entangle me. I do not heed your warnings, I do not try to stay away from the thoughts, the things, the demons that lead me to death and destruction.
For all of this and more, I'm sorry Lord. I don't know what I do, I don't know how I desecrate my soul, I don't know how much I pain you when I sin, and sin, and sin some more just in a day. If I'm not overtly sinning by over-spending, over-eating, masturbating, entertaining lustful thoughts, and the like, then I'm being judgmental, prideful, and bearing false witness. Seldom O' Father, do I simply run to you and try to be in your arms, hear what you would have to say to me, retreat into your Word. Seldom O' Lord, do I seek to walk in obedience, service, and friendship. Change me Lord, make my heart bend toward you, may I realize a deep relationship in you where I surrender my whole heart, mind, body, and strength to your will and purposes, to obedience and love of you and your ways. Have your way O' Lord — may it not be about me but may it be completely and totally about you, about your glory, about seeing me lowered and you raised up.... From dust I have come and to dust I shall return, until that day that you shall call me to serve and worship you forever Lord.
Father, the past two weeks have seen me grow colder and number to you and your quiet voice. I've sought to worship other things — I've been absorbed by compulsion and false hopes. I've been distracted by the illusion of satisfaction in anything other than you Father. As horrible as it always seems, today is the first Sunday of the month so Communion is being prepared as I contemplate my sin and ask for forgiveness and yet seemingly never really change the way I act, never really try to be obedient. Father, you know where I'm at and you know it isn't my fault that I'm in this world that is so sexualized, that is so full of distractions. Yet, I am accountable for how I respond to this world, how I choose to reject or embrace the traps and the enemy that seeks to entangle me. I do not heed your warnings, I do not try to stay away from the thoughts, the things, the demons that lead me to death and destruction.
For all of this and more, I'm sorry Lord. I don't know what I do, I don't know how I desecrate my soul, I don't know how much I pain you when I sin, and sin, and sin some more just in a day. If I'm not overtly sinning by over-spending, over-eating, masturbating, entertaining lustful thoughts, and the like, then I'm being judgmental, prideful, and bearing false witness. Seldom O' Father, do I simply run to you and try to be in your arms, hear what you would have to say to me, retreat into your Word. Seldom O' Lord, do I seek to walk in obedience, service, and friendship. Change me Lord, make my heart bend toward you, may I realize a deep relationship in you where I surrender my whole heart, mind, body, and strength to your will and purposes, to obedience and love of you and your ways. Have your way O' Lord — may it not be about me but may it be completely and totally about you, about your glory, about seeing me lowered and you raised up.... From dust I have come and to dust I shall return, until that day that you shall call me to serve and worship you forever Lord.
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